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It's not me, it's my husband

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Needsomeclosure, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. after having our daughter (which is our second child) I went into a deep post pardom depression.. In this time my husband turned to drugs (cocaine) and alcohol. Since May 2015 my husband hasn't been clean from cocaine for more than a week or 2. I have finally pulled myself out of depression and realized that all of our saving was gone.. My husband has been lying to me for months and months... And he came clean to me without me asking him back in October 2015. It is now feb 2016 and he is still trying to quit but hasn't successfully done so. My worry is that I'm giving up on him. No matter how hard I try to make his life easier, no matter if I make his life a living hell.. He doesn't stop. I have kicked him out for 2 weeks and he had been clean those weeks by me drug testing him because he wanted to prove he could stop.. He was clean from nov 26- dec 13.. He lies to me, he sneaks behind my back. Our kids are in this and I just need someone who knows this situation to give me an answer!! Leave him because he's not going to get better or stay and fight the battle with him??? Help me! We have been together 10 years! I don't want to throw it all away because of something so stupid!! This drug has GOT TO GO!!
  2. Elendil

    Elendil Active Contributor

    From your post, I somehow get the idea that your husband is actually trying to let g oof the drugs and alcohol and get back into the mainstream. If that is indeed the case, why don't you try a formal rehabilitation centre and participate in a rehab program? Because, and this is from my own experience, you can't just yell away an addiction, because it's not something one can just let go, an addict like one on cocaine without the drug faces some serious health risks as withdrawal symptoms, and the only way to get him out is to get professional help. Oh, and on a side note, don't leave him if you want him to quit. Giving up on an addict makes the person give up on himself, and then he'll never quit.

  3. Thank you for the feed back, we have talked about rehab.. He has some excuse of why he can't go.. Work, money, no insurance... He says he needs a therapist, so I tell him he can spend as much money on a therapist every month than he does the cocaine and alcohol. We are young and he's only 25... But we grew up together and always had each other through anything so giving up is never my intention.. But our kids have to come first and I can't let his addiction bring our life down with his.. I guess what I need is for someone to point me in the right direction because what I have been doing seems to not be getting through to him. He still lies, he still hides... He always comes home to us but while he's here, he's not actually here.. He's in his own little world. And the depression takes over him when he is sober. He will sleep an entire 24 hours and be agitated and upset.. Then he turns to it again... It's so hard and takes a huge told on our family. It's almost like he doesn't want to function without it!
  4. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Welcome @Needsomeclosure. Thank you for sharing your concerns with us.

    I see that you have already realized that the well being of your children come first. You can still support your husband but you must keep your focus on yourself and your children right now. I agree that you should seek professionals in substance abuse counseling and you can continue supporting your husband with proper guidance. You may not agree with everything but just remember to take what you want and leave the rest for later.

    You will receive lots of support, suggestions, and the experiences from others as they join in.
  5. darkrebelchild

    darkrebelchild Community Champion

    @Needsomeclosure Please stay strong and positive; you wouldn't kick your child out if he was the one on drugs, please don't kick your husband out. For the sake of his safety, your children and your love. You need to make your husband fear you, lay some ground rules, if possible both of you should find the time to attend a program and get him clean.

    You would share your old days together and you need to help him stay alive; the drugs want to destroy what you have both built for 10 years. It stops now.
    Needsomeclosure likes this.
  6. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I am sorry that you are dealing with this. My husband is also an alcoholic and cocaine addict. I know how tough it can be. The lying really wears thin after awhile. I can't even trust him about anything. I never give him money to pay bills, etc. because he immediately buys cocaine with it. I love him but I hate the person that he has become with the drugs. I am glad you are putting your children first. We have no children together so it is a different situation. I am glad that he is trying to get clear. I hope he works harder so that you can be a happy family again. I will say a prayer for your family.
  7. Nancy D.

    Nancy D. Senior Contributor

    I agree the drug has got to go. However, it is not you decision it is his. You can just love him from a far...don't let him back in the house until he has committed to getting clean. It is a choice not for you but for the children...they are the most important pieces to the puzzle. Think about their future and the turmoil they may be going through....and if this keeps up in the house they live in it will only get worse. I think you should not think about what you want but what is best for the kids..and their health and well being. Not to seem harsh but forget what you want...your life is second when it comes to those kids.
  8. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Yes, I know it is hard but I think Nancy D. is right. I think he needs professional intervention right now..and if he is unwilling or unable to stay clean, you and the children need to leave or change the locks or do whatever it is you need to do to keep him out. Hopefully once he knows you are serious, it will give him the reinforcement he needs to stop the habit, and I know you will support him in this!
    Needsomeclosure likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Needsomeclosure... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. We are here to help and support you any way we can. Please know that you can reach out to us anytime. And remember that YOU are the most important person in your life. You and your kids. So make sure you take good care of yourself first.

    Peace and hugs.
    Needsomeclosure and MrsJones like this.
  10. Thank you all for your feed back. I totally understand that my babies are more important than anything and I should have made it a point that even with my husbands addiction the kids are in no way, shape, size or form in harms way. If they're with me, they're safe. And I'm glad everyone has voiced their opinions but the fact is my husbands battle needs to be resolved for our children's sake. And even though I keep them safe and out of harms way they deserve to have their daddy at home and clean with them. So that's why I am reaching out. Losing a father to a little girl is not only a tragedy but it is a heart ache that never goes away.. From experience.. So with that being said that's why I am fighting for him to be clean.. That's why I need him to "fear" me as someone said. But how do I know when I've accomplished that without pushing him to do it again by questioning it. Being mad because he's in the bathroom for more than 20 min... I don't need guidance on how to care for my children in this situation, I need guidance on how to overcome this! Mentally and emotionally...
  11. thank you for this.. I need to feel positively and not feel attacked on how to raise my children. My children are well tooken care of and people decided to make it to be about them as if I'm not putting them first.. So thank you for this feedback I appreciate it
  12. Thank you for this.. I know he wants to get better, it's just a battle that he keeps losing over and over again.. It's hard
  13. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    @Needsomeclosure. I'm sorry that you feel that you are being attacked. Please accept my apologies if it seemed anything different than making sure that your children are not safe for that was not and is not my intention. I suspect the same would be for others that have responded to your OP. Try to understand that you, your children and your husband have all become a concern to everyone here.
  14. I appreciate the feedback and concern. Really that's why I came on here to get some sort of different opinion and myself being in my own head. Family is too quick to judge and friends only tell you what you think you want to hear. So I do appreciate it. And you are the only one who spoke about my children but also noted that you see how I put my children first. I understand this isn't a life style for anyone to live. But then again, my husband isn't a "junkie" who doesn't care about his family so it's not fair to rip their father away from them. I try to see EVERY prospective but I know that dumping my husband and building a life without him isn't in the best interest of MY family. My kids deserve to have parents that fight for them and each other. thats what a family is. If I leave him because of the drugs and he just gets worse as someone said, that would be in THEIR WORST interest because they need their father and their father just needs help. But I don't know how to give it to him.
  15. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Thank you for understanding.

    You are doing what you feel in your heart what is the best to keep your family together. I understand that. I myself grew up without a father being present or that of a father figure and I wouldn't want that for any child to go through.

    Keeping the communication going with your husband is very good. Yes, you will hear the excuses and they can be very valid ones and this could be a stress factor that contributes to the substance abuse. These are things that need to be addressed in counseling. Depending on where you live there are facilities that offer services for free or low costs where insurance would not be an issue. Try seeking out what's in your area by searching online or asking a concerned friend or relative. This I would say is a start in helping your family.
  16. Thank you, I will try to find somewhere in town. The only thing that I know of are NA meetings that he can go to as of now.. I'm going to try and find him a good physiatrist to help him with his emotional and mental health also! He has been clean a week today. Hopefully he will stay clean another day... Taking it day by day..
    MrsJones likes this.