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Discussion in 'Share Your Detox Experience' started by True concern, Jan 13, 2019.
Fu×k my life I was born to fail
@True concern Hey there. I don't believe that at all, i'm hoping that you are more optimistic today. I'm going to address your other post rather than this one.
Arthur... Stop. Now. This is NOT true!!!
Yes sir you are correct yet again, I am one of those people who say exactly what I'm feeling and or thinking at the time,some call it ignorant or a mental defect I on the other hand see it as transparency. Is it smart to post every last thought or feeling I may have?Probably not,am I going to change that?Definitely not. I am here to be me happy,sad,depressed,enraged whatever it is on any given day I can't imagine a person can heal telling only part of the reality.You know this may sound corny but last night I couldn't stop thinking about how blessed your boys are to have a father who genuinely loves them with every ounce of his soul,in fact it made me jealous and I kept wondering if maybe I could be a better person if my dad loved me the way you love your boy's. I don't know why but my dad does not like me at all,it's not a gut feeling it's what he has told me to my face,I asked him why he didn't love me and my brother once and he said because I didn't want either of you but admitted he tries to care but just can't the way he should be able to.Twice in my dad's life someone has tried to harm him,once a man chased him around with a gun at work when I was about sixteen and I walked up to see it going down and smashed the guy with a jack handle and stomped his ass,the second time a man had my dad pinned in a corner and I tackled him and stomped his ass as well and oddly enough my dad got pissed off at me both time's. For the most part I don't let that bother me but here lately memories come as flashbacks in waves and I really don't want to remember them.I am happy he shows my sister the love a child deserves and I asked him why he can love her like he couldn't love us and his response was"I wanted her"and though it hurt to hear it makes me happy as well because I never want her to hurt the way I have and honestly that is what fuels my rage towards my uncle because my mom has already told her my uncle does drug's and that pissed me off because a 7 year old should never know that nor have to try and understand it.I am done self destructing at this time as I may have found a way out of this misery, I am a journeyman concrete finisher and a few day's ago I saw someone I know who told me where he worked and told me to go apply,typically construction companies don't dig to much into a person's background as long as they know how to do the work so even though physically my knee isn't ready for such labor intensive work I fear this may be my only chance at getting work and getting out of this home which I don't want to leave yet I can't stay around my uncle because I now completely recognize he is my biggest trigger so I really have no choice.I know I don't need to apologize but I do apologize because in my heart I care about you so for me it is the correct thing to do
Thanks for the kind words, @True concern. I hope that someday my boys will realize how much I truly love and care about them. Right now, I think they think I'm a pain in their asses, because I'm always suggesting things that I think will make their lives better. And they don't always want to hear that. Also, for what it's worth... My dad and I had a horrible relationship for my whole life. He was an alcoholic and I pretty much hated him up until just a few months before he died. I've tried to be a better father than he was to me, but Lord knows I've made my share of mistakes along the way. But we all do the best that we can, right?
Maybe try the concrete work and see how it goes. If it's too hard on your knee, you can always stop, right? I think getting out would be a great thing for you. Being around your uncle isn't ideal. Not at all.
I believe they realize how much you love them,speaking from my own experience when I have heard a loved one tell me thing's to help me out or just change my thought process I usually act like I could care less or I don't want to hear it and for me that way of lashing out is my way of saying I agree or your correct but the immediate response is simply a way of acknowledging the truth and the frustration of not being able to piece those thing's together on my own.As addicts we love to believe it's everyone else who is wrong or incorrect and usually for myself I lash out and rebel in a way that directly rebukes a person's best intentions but again it's self hate and a never ending confusion on why I struggle, I know what to do and how to do it yet at time's I can't allow my loved one's to see I heard and understood what they were saying.I don't know why we can't just swallow our own pride but maybe it's because we often times feel that's all we have left and to try and preserve it we rebell.
I maybe wrong but this is true at least for myself
I feel this way every morning , well 8 out of 10 morning 's
From what I have read you have come a long way , easy for me to say as i'm not in your shoes .
So 'Hang in there'.
Let me add , usually by the eve I feel better, Med's I suppose ?
@Davers perhaps I have been to open here on this forum,personally I don't think so...on this day I indeed felt this way but its not the truth.I hurt a LOT emotionally at time's but believe it or not this site,the people here give me purpose...ive made a life time of mistakes but if I can help someone to feel like their not alone or if I can be that person to relate to it drives me to want to do better because I sincerely love people,just in general and many of them I don't get along with yet I still care enough deep down I would jump in front of a bullet for them...i know that sounds like bullshit but if you knew me in real life you would understand, even the family I lost who won't talk to me would to this day say I would die to save them.Its just who I am,a natural born fuk up with a heart that can find good in just about anyone,but I struggle to find good in me,through my eyes because I expect so much more from myself and got trapped by addiction so I beat the sh1t out of myself emotionally,but I'm trying to see thing's through a better light