An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

I've graduated to the needle. But found life again.

Discussion in 'Sobriety Tips and Inspiration' started by Josh111187, May 31, 2018.

  1. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Hello everyone, I was thinking about my first NA meeting with astonishing joy and there was no way I could not share this.

    For anyone who doesn't know me then this won't meen much to you, so in a nutshell here's my background. I'm 30 been using since 15 and a decade of that was hard core drug use. I started with the hard core drugs after I lost my wife very early in our marriage due to brain disease. I have a son but not by my wife he is with my wifes friend as I was in severe morning and went to her friends house so we could console each other, alcohol got involved,then some cocaine,and now I have a son.
    Judge me if you want I am just telling you the truth. For several years we tried to make things work,even almost got married but we both had habits and it just wasn't going to happen.
    Anyway my parents got custody of my son while neither of us was capable of carring for him. I dohave custody now though,but I digress.
    Throughout the let's just call it a decade that I was truly living like a junkie, so many things happened to me that I truly did begin to question God. Why was this happening to me? But I was thinking about everything backwards. Let me explain.

    When I started buying my own dope from the guy who sold it to my friends who I then got it from. I realized that I could get my hands on a large quantity of it and cut it and sale it supporting my own habit and making that fast cash that seems to disappear so quick. So I started running into some bad people who I could never trust.
    I remember the first time, noticed that I said first time, that I was held at gunpoint being robbed. I really thought that I was about to die right then and there. Afterwards instead of thanking God for saving me and changing my life I was just so scared I thought getting high then was justified. Ha!
    I remember going to pick up my normal bag of dope from the same guy I always delt with and he had been up for days smoking meth, he was so spun that before I had left he became paranoid and thought I was a cop. He pulled a shotgun out his stash closet and held it straight at my chest while I was pleading with him to let me show him I was not. With the shotgun at my abdomen I stripped naked and he eventually let me go.
    Shortly after that I got six months in county prison. First time offender so I'm not a felon. I found a new dealer in there, so when I got out I was right back at it.
    I'm not going to go into detail about everything I did or that happened during that period of my life but I have to tell this last close encounter with death because it is a miracle.
    I was walking around the Tennessee river and I was thinking about changing my life. I was really thinking about turning to God for help and then I became the victim of a gang initiation. I should point out I was in a very bad neighborhood in a state I don't even live in. Well three guys approach me and I was at this point street smart enough that I knew I was about to get mugged. I was near a construction site and I ran for a 2X4 I saw broken about three feet long with some bent nails in one end of it. It was by far the worst fight that I have ever been in. I was able to take two of them down with the board, but one of them got behind me and choked me out. When I woke up I was repeatedly beaten.
    I don't know the extent of damage that I caused to the two attackers who6I hit with the board but I do know that I was taken to some sort of underground shelter. It was a place where homeless people went I think built during the cold war. I found out later during the period right before this went to trial that it was below an abandoned church.
    Anyway I was handcuffed to a water pipe and I was told I was going to pay for what I had done to his guys. I was traded for a piece of crack cocaine to a homosexual drug addict when this guy was done beating me. Well this guy wants to keep me alive so he can repeatedly rape me.
    And he does. He gets me water and food and has his way with me, when I am in the worst withdrawals this guy even gives a shot of dilauded that I had already loaded and had in my backpack.
    I end up being able to work a brick loose from the wall and break the cuffs. I thought I would be able to get away but was so week I couldn't crawl up the steps. He found me free when he came back and said he was going to have to kill me and bury me next to the others. He came back with a shovel and looked at me and saw the shirt I was wearing. It said Jesus Saves. He tied me up and said he would wait until tomorrow. He came back with a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Xanax the next day. I was forced to drink it and take the pills. Every time I tried to stop he would do things that I can't post on here. He wanted to force me to kill myself.
    I did not through up and the next day when he was gone I prayed for the first time with faith in more than ten years.
    I prayed that God would have mercy on me and forgive my sins and help me to make it up the steps.
    All I know from there is what I'm told. A state trooper had taken a different route than normal to wherever it was he was going and saw a limp body fall out of a broken window. This man had indeed killed two people Jesus saved the third.
    I am sharing this because today I was cleaning and decided to replace a bulb that has been out for a long time in my ceiling. When I took the dome down there was a sack of dope and a rig in it. I didn't think twice before I threw it all in the trash. And put the dope down the toilet.
    To everyone out there who thinks it can't be worse,it can, because at least you're still alive. And to everyone who thinks they can't get over their pain, you can. To anybody who thinks God has turned His back on you, ask. There is no such thing as a hopeless drug addict, I'm speaking from experience. If anyone droughts me then PM me all of this is public record. I hope this can inspire someone, God bless.
    Cametobelieve0202 and lonewolves like this.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Josh111187 hey josh. thank you so much for sharing this... you certainly have been through some things, huh?

    i'm so happy that you made it through alive... that God did see fit to keep you that YOU can be His light here for others... what hope and inspiration dear sir!!

    awesome that you put that dope down the toilet without even thinking about it.... to heck with dope! :)

    so proud of you...and really appreciate you sharing all of this here with us. you are making a difference to the many that read through these posts....

    glad to be your friend.

    Lostboy8731 and Josh111187 like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Josh111187 Man you have come so far and im so proud of you,indeed it does help to share our pain and advise as best we can.I don't know this one is deep and i have to digest it better and will reply further after.Man i have no reason to doubt your story and im so sorry you lost your wife,i knew that but not how i thought it was divorce and i shouldn't assume i know but now knowing that my heart hurts for you i couldn't imagine.....I'm at a loss for words on the rape thing i don't do well with that type of information,it makes me sick and i can't explain the rage i feel when i hear about that topic,it's the one thing that can make me very vicious without care as i absolutely despise mother×uckers that could do such an evil act.I think you are very strong to be able to move beyond that and i can't help it i just can't say what i really want to say about people like that would be graffic and gruesome...God bless you brother
    Lostboy8731 and Josh111187 like this.
  4. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    I don't know who to talk to about this but I know that reading success stories always helps me when I'm down.
    And I'm aware of the sobriety tips and inspiration forum but I was thinking about having a forum dedicated solely to successes and achievements, idk mabey it's kinda the same thing but I know that I would read every thread on there, given that no one got into the habit of trying to " out do" or" out post" anyone else.
  5. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    I lived with so much hate for that person that I was as consumed with hate as I was by the drugs that ultimately were the cause of my being in a vulnerable position for that to happen. Anyway justice was served and he'll get out at73 years old. However a few weeks ago the DA that procecuted my case called me and told me that he got cancer. I kinda became friends with the DA she's my age and was also working on my son's moms best friends case. Her husband was murdered, so I saw a lot of the DA over the last year, the guy has pancreatic cancer and won't make it through the year.
    I had to forgive because I kept thinking about the drugs I sold to people and I was harming them, I know there's a difference but I'm still more at peace. For about a year and a half I was drawing different torture devices and stuff like that I was in a bad place. Even before it happened to me that sort of thing was just THE absolute worst.
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Good morning josh i hope everything is well with you my friend.After reading your post last night my mind wondered and my dreams were fu×ked up all night,i don't know what to add to this it's a really tough thread for me now.Anyways i hope you have a great day
    Lostboy8731 likes this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for sharing your experiences with us, @Josh111187. I'm so happy that you are in a better place now. Your story is inspirational, for sure. I, too, am super proud of you. Keep doing the next right thing.
    Josh111187 likes this.
  8. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Didn't meen to give you rough time or bad dreams there friend I just felt that there were others who had been in similar situations and wanted to let them know that they weren't alone at all.
    In fact it was you @True concern, that first told me that I wasn't alone in my struggles with the opiate withdrawals and I cannot tell you how much I needed to hear that. I really was about ready to throw in the towel, so sick of the chills and crawling skin, living on the toilet.
    If it weren't for the fact that you told me your detox story and gave me all the ugly details so I knew that you had been as bad off if not worse than me and lived I can't say where I would be today.
    So I wanted to pay it forward and that was my low and I know there's somebody out there that has been through something similar, I just hope that my story gets to them and inspires the way yours did for me.
  9. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Bro i believe your story will help,and something did happen to me when i was younger but i can't remember to much and honestly i don't want to
    Lostboy8731 and deanokat like this.
  10. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Wow, life has thrown some crazy tests your way and you more than survived. I’m so happy, not just for you, but for your son to have such a great role model of strength to look up to!
  11. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Thank you for that @lonewolves, I wish I had started to try and be that role model earlier for him so that he didn't have some of the memories of me that he does,like me passing out at his birthday party at his own school when he was six!
    As far as what you said about life really throwing me some crazy tests, I'm not sure if I'm being tested or punished.
    But I will say this my last od, three doctors were arguing about what was keeping me alive. They had taken me off the ventilator and it was iffy wether or not I was going to start breathing on my own,and I did. My blood alcohol was 0.87, had injected 320mg oxycontin, and taken the bottle of klonopin that I had, and I only filled it the day before. I remember coming to enough to be able to tell the nurse that I needed to pee.
    I really have been spared. My boys mother still uses, and the other day ( I'm crying as I type this btw, I'm just so overwhelmed) he heard me talking about moving into the new house I'm going to build on the property I was just given. He said "well I am really glad God heard me all those times when I prayed for you after you passed out".
    I was shocked upon questioning he told me that he heard my dad say how important it is to tell God what you need. So eveytime he knew I was passed out in my room he had found the key would come in say a quick prayer and lock it back.
    He told me that he forgives me and is glad to have his dad back and is excited to move in with me.
    I think it's the other way around I think I'm blessed to have him for a son.
  12. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    The Lord work's in mysterious ways my friend,and you are not being punished you were and are being tested as we all are.I believe he wants to see humanity pull together in the darkest ways so we can help each other on our journey to the light.Not afterlife light but light of goodness we all need help finding at times
  13. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    This hits so deeply and truly does shine a light. I needed this and it couldn't be a better time. Thanks for the share many blessings friend
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Josh111187 Chime in my brother it's been awhile, I would love to hear how YOU are doing,this isn't my phone or I would call you, however I am back here and I miss you. I pray all is well
    deanokat and Lostboy8731 like this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    We're all here for you, @Josh111187. And we miss you. Hope things are good in your world.
    Lostboy8731 and True concern like this.