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Joining 3 days clean....and response

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Liola, Aug 28, 2018.

  1. Liola

    Liola Active Contributor

    Hi Peachy and all:
    i got your note as an email
    yes all you said.my sponsor who has never left me is now miss strict and i have to do the 90/90 of NA. I went to an addiction psychiatrist who yanked me off the wellbutrin the detox put me on and he said his conditions are no relapses and na meetings and he will help me. He put me on a drug called rexulti and i promised him i wouldn't google it. He said it will re direct my dopamine and i'll feel a little tired and weird for a couple of weeks until it gets in my system properly.
    so tonight i have to go to a stinking meeting to start my 90/90 or my sponsor will drop me and i do know i am at the last house on the block at this point. I was just being miserable thinking all the while that i am liking doing coke. i didn't. I just replaced the oxy i was doing with coke and wanted it but didn't like who i am on it cause who knows what i was doing anyway. The last few batches i share were poisoned. I got really sick but kept doing it. I spent thousands in like a month and went through about 14 grams. awful crap at the end. And, now since its a secret that i was doing this after detox from my husband (i told the doctor and my sponsor)...i am suffering terribly with all the same things as i did in the detox although not to the extent of intensity. Cocaine withdrawal does exist. It isn't just a mind thing. I'm weaker, hot/cold flashes more often, discontent etc.
    I know bring the body and the mind will follow to the meetings but really, not all are good, most suck and there is nothing more powerful than a good meeting but its rare. My sponsor won't accept online meetings for my 90/90. has to be face to face. But i have you guys which i'm truly enjoying ya never know...i may get a message. If i do, i'll pass it on. Thank you for encouraging me.
    I didn't go to the 30 day recovery unplugged program as they really mislead us on everything from their address, to price, to the process...just everything. Too bad. But i can do this and especially with this sites support. Thank you.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Liola... Try not to think of it as a "stinking meeting"; try thinking of it as just "a meeting." I know going to 90 meetings in 90 days is a bit of a burden. But the help and comfort you will find there are good things. These are people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. People who have been there and done that...or are there now and doing the same thing you are. There is strength in numbers and community. Trust me.

    I am praying hard for you. And sending you lots of positive juju, hope, and encouragement. You can do this and we will accompany you on the journey.
    Liola and True concern like this.
  3. Liola

    Liola Active Contributor

    hi deanokat
    thanks. how do you all reply so quickly ? I am just seeing this that looks like you wrote it at 10:21 am...so i'm constantly also needing support on site navigation as well as not picking up and staying positive and boy are you helping!!!! To tell you the truth this one tonight is a stinking meeting...i used to go all the time but i tried a new one today at 11 and ended up at an abandoned building in a very very bad neighborhood. I emailed NA.org as last nights meeting was in spanish and had said english and this one today non existent. So technically, my 90/90 only starts today...but, hey it starts, right? I have been listening to positive music, positive radio like joel osteen when in the car, and each day i get these positive thoughts (not addiction related).
    This is so me....that cash register honesty...i'm trying for this and so far succeeding with the help of having this site. I find i'm seeing all the open avenues i leave to relapse and am closing them as i see them. This disease really makes my lies seem like a good idea or true or not true....however i want to work it so i love this quote.
    Thank you and tonight i will go in with an open mind, heart, and mouth...going to take a quick nap so i make it. My body is still so weak, especially cognitively...and things like grocery shopping is like climbing mount everest. Thank god my husband has been doing it. Even feeding the dogs. This shall pass i know but when i have no idea. I truly know i do not have another recovery in me at 57 years old. I've never experienced anything but a pink cloud after getting clean...never this dragging on and on down feeling and weakness.
    Thank god for all of you really.
    True concern likes this.
  4. Liola

    Liola Active Contributor

    oh, the quote didn't paste...so here it is written out:
    Integrity is not something you show others,
    It is how you behave behind their back.
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Liola... Everyone here is behind you 100%. You go this. I know you do. And be grateful for your husband's help. Having someone to handle things like grocery shopping and feeding the dogs can make it easier for you, for sure. Tonight's meeting might suck, but you're right: Go into it with an open mind and heart. And take what you need and leave the rest. Who knows? Not only might somebody there help you...you might help somebody else, too.

    We're here for you. Whenever you need us. And we'll always reply as soon as we can. It might not always be quickly, but we'll do the best we can! :)
    Liola and True concern like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am very proud of you and I know you got this,I apologize I'm really busy right now so I must keep it short but I will respond later on.Take Care chat with you soon
    deanokat likes this.
  7. Liola

    Liola Active Contributor

    thanks again. sure true....and thanks again for the story.
    deanokat, i find once of my long lasting withdrawal symptoms is irritability. I was always irritable and was not grateful at all when all my husband brought home was fruit and some cookies and i'm so hungry and had a list but i'm so mean sometimes, he was afraid to call for a list. So i am copping up: I am not a really nice person a lot of times to the ones that love me and don't deserve to be talked down to. I owe an immediate apology which i will do after reading your comment. You all are doing more than you know for me. You're keeping not just my addiction in line but my soul.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I learned first hand that it is necessary to admit our wrongs and make amends where possible it's never easy but every apology ,every confession released leaves room to heal."Out with the old in with the new"Again im proud of you and I think its great that you recognize that you were being mean and now that your consciously aware of it as it start's to happen later down the road you may be able to catch yourself and apologize right then and there...That would be a huge step in the right direction.When I first came to this site I was fueled with shame and fear I expressed my fears of apologizing to my family for being well an asshole most of the time and with tears in my eyes as I left my wife's home my grandson gave me a shirt he had been holding for me for some time he gave me a hug and said "Its great to have you back papa"The shirt had a verse from Timothy in the bible.It said....God gave us a soul of faith not fear...That was amazing for my growth and healing,instantly 50%of my hurt and shame was gone.Another thing that really help's me is i made a promise to a friend a few years ago and gave him my word that I would find away to take my mistakes,my addictions and my bad choices and somehow I would turn them around and try to give back something positive to as many people as I possibly could from what I had been through and I dove head first here in this site and I pray I am in some small way making other's think and work on themselves.I pray that together we can all make a difference in each other's lives.Stay Strong and God Bless
    Dominica, deanokat and Liola like this.
  9. Liola

    Liola Active Contributor

    true concern: wow. I had an amazing experience at the meeting i was dreading (the stinking meeting). I took all your advise and went with an open mind and heart and mouth. I hadn't been there in years. There were 8 others...2 i didn't know with excellent sobriety. Just last night i said to my husband that i feel like i want to go home (and i am home)...i was just sad.
    I went home tonight at that meeting...it felt great. I got a white tag which i have a million and they meant nothing. I earned this one with blood sweat and tears and will treasure it.
    I was told what will make this time different over the years: you never know if this is the one time. I believe this is that time for me.
    Now to just pass through these physical symptoms!!!!
    i love you all.
    Dominica, deanokat and True concern like this.
  10. Liola

    Liola Active Contributor

    and deanokat...your positive vibes reached me
    True concern, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Im so happy that you had a good experience, continue the open mind,heart,mouth and i believe by the time you get through the 90/90 you will have a great support network and if you keep working it I believe this time will be the time for you. You got this and we got your back, take care and God Bless
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    This is awesome, @Liola. I'm so proud of you. And I'm glad my positive vibes reached you! Sending you more today!!! :)
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Liola

    I have to say that I am enjoying journeying with you along this life path. Through the struggles and all and through the victories and all. I really appreciate your honesty. I'm super glad that you went to the meeting and got something out of it. It's true that you never know if this is the last time, or perhaps let's look at it as a first time for a long-term sobriety and a life filled with more peace and joy.

    I'm super glad that you went with an open mind and heart. I remember a time when I went to a different kind of support group and I did not like going at first because I was just miserable and I didn't feel like I fit. I had a lot of walls around my heart and I resented the fact that others looked happy. I thought they were all full of crap. But I was also broken and simply needed support and needed to do something different. Over time my heart became more open and my walls began to crumble and I began to let people in. And I began realizing who I really was, which was not a broken woman, but a strong woman worthy of love and forgiveness and Grace.

    I am believing that this is perfect timing for you and things are exactly as they ought to be for your highest good. And we are believing for your highest good! Sure there will be bumps along the journey, and we will be here to help you get over those bumps and hold space for you however we can. I am praying for your long-term sobriety, emotional healing, physical healing, and a new hope that comes into your life that you can really feel deep in your gut.

    We love you too!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  14. peachydust

    peachydust Member

    Liola. I’m sending you love and hugs and the strength I’m trying to find as a very new clean person. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the best. You are very brave for seeking help.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Congratulations on being clean, @peachydust. I'm proud of you! :)
    peachydust likes this.