Just joined this forum today on a whim. I don't really have anyone to talk to about my alcohol addiction. I have always like drinking since I was 13 and got my first taste of being drunk at a sleepover. As I got older I had plenty of friends who were 21 that could buy it for me. I spent most nights drunk or high at parties with friends until I got pregnant with my son. I completely straightened my life out, dropped all my friends, got a full time job and put it all behind me. I found the love of my life when my son was 2 months old and got married 5 months later. After the birth of my second son about year after I had a lot of post partum depression. Most nights after my kids were asleep I would drink a bottle of wine and watch some shows or a movie. I didn't have that big of a problem then but it started to snowball once I went back to work part time and my kids started school. I am home most days alone and my kids go to sleep at 8:30 leaving me with a few hours to get drunk and watch tv. Drinking almost destroyed my marriage about 2 years ago. I stopped for a short time but now I have just gotten better at hiding it. If my husband found out I started again he would leave me so now I have to do this on my own will power and get it handled. I drink during the day, sleep it off, will drink again that night. I drink at work, any social get togethers because I have a lot of social anxiety. If I feel like anything will be stressful I plan to have a small bottle of vodka in my purse for my nerves. I drink at work, I have learned basically to be calm and not give anything away when I am drunk now. I am a wife and mother, I am ashamed I cant stop and continue to do this to myself. My family means the whole world to me and I never drink around my kids or expose them to it but once they get older they could realize more whats going on. I don't want them to be more susceptible to having problems like I do. I also look back and im not really remembering everything from when I have been drinking which also worries me. When me and my husband have gone to a friends house and im drunk I can think back the next day and pieces are missing. I know I didn't do anything, we were together and I was there I just don't want to live my life in a haze of alcohol if that makes sense. I want to live my life fully and stop hiding behind alcohol because I don't know how to deal with stuff being just me. Sorry this is long, thank you to anyone that took the time read it.