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Just realized I'm an addict

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Mikedotes, Oct 17, 2018.

  1. Mikedotes

    Mikedotes Member

    So...
    I'm not a native English speaker so I'm sorry for any grammar errors or generally being unclear...
    So , I've been a poly-drug addict since I was about 18, just realizing how bad and destructive my behavior is now that I'm 23. It really started to destroy me inside out, both my social and financial life, I'm almost at the bottom. And by bottom I mean that I don't have ANYTHING, no friends, no family, no money, no place to stay.
    It started off with alcohol and pot, then lead to mostly pot abuse, and I don't know how other potheads use weed, but I would smoke about 5g a day, smoking it like a compulsive maniac, having a bowl about every half an hour. I got destructive as soon as I went to college and started living alone, selling grandiose stories to both my girlfriend and mum, which made me feel like ****, and it still does.
    After I have completely fucked up college, I've started dealing weed as a way to earn money. But it didn't do anything since I spent all the money on feeding my habits. I started spending all the money on weed anyway, but then I got really f***** up when I got into stimulants...
    I started off with all the regular stuff like ecstasy and amphetamines, which I didn't really like, but the s*** that really grind my gears was cocaine and meth.
    Today I find myself desperate, I can't think of anything else, being simultaneously aware of my addiction and wanting to get better... I FEEL LIKE **** BECAUSE OF MY LOVED ONES....
    I got caught for dealing weed, currently I'm waiting for a sentence, jobless, don't have any money, in debt, nobody to help me financially or spiritually, feeling like **** and left with nothing but drugs to make feel a lil' bit better, or even feel anything.
    After I got caught for dealing, I don't have a lot of money, I didn't have enough money for cocaine or other more expensive stims, so I've turned to synthetic cathinones, and currently I'm abusing ethyl-hexedrone, and I'm really hooked on that ****...
    I'm just caught up in a circle of abusing for 1-2 weeks, and then sleeping/eating for the same amount of time feeling helpless....
    What do I do???? Is there anything I can do to escape this vicious circle and get on track with my life.. ?
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Mikedotes... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing so honestly with us. It sounds like you're really struggling, but I'm glad you're looking to make some changes to your life. That's a big step and I'm proud of you for taking it.

    You CAN escape your addiction! You just have to figure out the best way to do it, and be willing to do the hard work that will be required to get clean and sober. There are a lot of options out there: Inpatient treatment, intensive outpatient treatment (IOP), support group meetings (like NA, AA, or SMART Recovery), seeing an addiction specialist, etc. Have you tried any of those things before? If you're in the U.S., seeing an addiction specialist would be a great place to start. They can assess your situation and recommend the best next steps for you.

    You said you're waiting a sentence for selling weed. I'm wondering: Have you considered asking the powers-that-be to sentence you to a treatment facility instead of jail or probation? If you explain your situation and tell them you want to change your ways, they may be receptive to giving you a chance to find recovery. I think it's worth looking into at least.

    I want you to know that you're not a bad person. You're a sick person who has a disease called addiction. You are not alone, either. There are millions and millions of people who struggle with the same disease. So try not to beat yourself up too badly.

    We're here to help, support, and listen. If you need to lean on us, you are welcome to do so anytime. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of love, light, hope, and encouragement. You can beat your addiction. I know you can.
    Mikedotes, True concern and Dominica like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Mikedotes

    Hello and welcome. I'm really glad that you want to start making some changes. I agree that addiction can be overcome, but I also want to say that it takes a great amount of work done consistently. I agree with Dean that maybe you should ask if you could be assigned to a treatment facility rather than jail. And if you do go to jail, ask about what your options are regarding addiction treatment while you're there. Whether that's meetings or seeing a counselor, do everything that you can in order to work on overcoming this addiction during that time.

    I know you said that you have pretty much cut yourself off from everyone, and likely that feels very alone. Are you able to reach out for some support from someone in your life? Even just emotional support? We are definitely here and will Journey with you and believe in you. I hope that you'll keep coming back here and do let us know what you find out regarding treatment as opposed to jail time.
    Mikedotes, True concern and deanokat like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You are not alone and the others have given great insight and advice, I will respond further in awhile, I do apologize I just had surgery last night and I am in a lot of pain so I can't think properly until I get my medicine filled to dull the pain,however I know you can beat this that's easy to see as you opened up completely....this is a wonderful day my friend as you have taken the first step in recovery. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    Mikedotes and deanokat like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Mikedotes So your addiction has done to you what mine did to me,with a couple differences,I have shared my story after this sentence.

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A.D.H.D.at that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the Dr.to try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you.

    I shared this so you can see your not the only one who lost it all,but you can change it,I know because I am living proof change is possible. It's not easy but nothing worth doing ever is.After 20+ year's of drug abuse I am happy to say I am now sober.When I first got sober I typed none stop on here and truth be told I cried for about 3 month's none stop,everyday because of the hurt I had caused my family and friends, those memories truly suck but I needed to feel that pain sober ,I needed to hurt emotionally like they did,I had to feel that to understand what I was causing and through this process I have been able to do a complete 180 and yes it still takes wrk to heal completely. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS, AND YOU AND YOUR FAMILY CAN HEAL AND MOVE PAST THE PAIN
    Mikedotes and deanokat like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    As always, thanks for sharing your story, experiences, and insight with our community, @True concern. You are helping others by being here. Never forget that!
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2019
    Mikedotes and True concern like this.
  7. Lostinvoid

    Lostinvoid Member

    Its amazing how similar our stories are. I'm also 23/ meth addict. Feel free to read the thread i just posted, im sure you might feel some comfort in knowing you not alone. If I could at least do that for you, id feel like I finally have a purpose. The thread is called "last call, addicted to meth" if you care to read it. It would be nice hearing from someone my age aswell. this is my first time replying to a thread so im still very new to the site. I hope together we can find some sort of solution to this!
    Mikedotes, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  8. Mikedotes

    Mikedotes Member

    Hello everybody. First off, thank you @deanokat and @Dominica for your unconditional support. It's a rare quality to have in this mad world nowadays. I'd also like to thank @True concern for sharing his story. I read it a couple of months ago when I made the post, but I felt so unmotivated that I couldn't even symphatize and reply to you, that's how pathetic I felt. Now upon reading it again, it made me cry.


    I got a little better. I moved to a country far, far away from home. Alone. Literally alone. Feels like a new life entirely.
    However, I don't think this is a good way to tackle the problem of addiction.
    For this reason, I didn't want to contact anyone from my "previous" life. Also, back home, there's charges being pressed against me, so basically I got two flies with one hit.
    In this globalized world, you can do anything, anywhere, the same you would back home. I'm using very, very moderately to keep myself going...Currently I feel like I've built up this new life, only to destroy it in the future. It's so frightening. The feeling is absolutely sickening. I feel like I have no soul, Jesus Christ, now that I'm typing about it I can't believe what a drug can do to one's mind. It's so much worse than withdrawals and destroying one's social life. It's seeing the dark side and I would like to say trying to forget/get out of it, but in reality I WANNA GO THERE, with all my heart, but my mind keeps saying nono. Constant struggle. Emphasis on constant.

    I finally feel pieced and just brave enough get in touch with my old self, people I've hurt and people I loved and still do, and talk to them at least a little bit more openly than what was possible a couple of months back, when I felt the absolute worst and for that reason made an account on this site. I hope I can become an active member now...

    @Lostinvoid If you'd like us to talk sometimes, feel free to send me a PM if you're still active on the forum.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  9. Mikedotes

    Mikedotes Member

    Also,
    I'm pretty sure none of those things are possible back in my home country. I feel brave enough to reveal a little bit more now, I'm from Croatia, currently living in Ireland. Back in Croatia, addicts are treated like trash, while you might get help for being an alcoholic. There is some options but they're just pathetic, like going cold turkey with a bunch of other addicts somewhere in the countryside and the organisation is not that good, humbly put.
    About my sentence, I haven't received anything yet, I'm pretty sure they don't know what to do with me since when I got caught I basically did what you suggested, humbled myself in 5 seconds as I realized what was happening, admitted most of the stuff, handed everything I had to the officers to make their life easier, and in the most appreciative way ever asked for a pardon, which is not a thing in Croatia, so that's why I'm telling you, I'm pretty sure they don't know what to do with me :(:(:(
    Dominica likes this.
  10. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Mikedotes hey there. i'm glad you are here sharing with us. i know you're isolated, but glad you come here to connect. you're not alone...

    what do they do in croatia for drug offense? you go straight to jail? how long of a sentence would you be looking at? i really hope they can change the way the contend with addiction.... it's a sickness; not a horrible crime!

    where you are at now, do you think you could find a support group? that might help. trying to deal with all this on your own can probably feel overwhelming.

    also, since funds are limited, read as much as you can about overcoming addiction online. educate yourself. watch helpful videos. start a self-help journey..and if you're spiritual or religious, make a fresh commitment there. all of that is free...and can be helpful. but it takes effort..discipline..commitment...faith...and well, just plain ole hard work.

    but it can help!!!!

    think you for sharing here... keep coming back, ok? we're here to listen..and do our best to support you however we can.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm glad that you're back here on the forum and sharing more with us, @Mikedotes. And it's great to hear that you're doing a little better and using less. That's a step in the right direction, and that's a good thing.

    Now that you're in Ireland, have you thought about seeking out help for your addiction? I did a quick Google search for "addiction treatment Ireland" and there seem to be some good options. That's something you might want to think about.

    We're here for you. Always. No matter what.