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Keep relapsing.

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Teetee, Oct 19, 2018.

  1. Teetee

    Teetee Member

    Hi, while my addiction has come down lot, it needs to stop for good. I recently got married and my partner knew about my drug past as I wanted to be honest with her, but I always kinda knew I would relapse somewhere, I am addicted to 3MMC (like cocaine) I know I can stop, but then I just be like one more won't be bad, but now it affects my partner and I feel so bad and guilty for it knowing she comes home from work and see's me in a state, I can't hide it from her because I feel guilty, she is the best girl I have ever had from everyone I have been with, so I am wanted to stop the relapse for good for her and myself. It's so annoying as I do everything else good, I look after her, good to her parents and friend, always being the white knight with her and make her feel loved, I myself don't do clubbing, drinking and certainly no messing around with women as I have strong loyalty like that, but I absolutely hate myself for this one problem and it's major, it basically destroys everything good I do, I just want to stop and have no more relapse again.

    What do you suggest I do? I need some free rehab advice, i am from the UK and live in Leeds. I am very serious about wanting help, I can't trust myself I love her to much! I no doubt want to stop for good when someday we try for a kid.
    Dominica likes this.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Teetee

    Hello and welcome. Thank you for reaching out. I'm glad that you want to stop using. It does sound like you are incredibly blessed and I'm sure you don't want to jeopardize your relationship. I'm not sure about rehabs in the UK. Are you able to reach out to an addiction specialist? That might be a good start. They could do an assessment and perhaps give you some options regarding treatment. There may also be some support groups there that might be helpful. It sounds as if you're going to need to reach out for some professional help. I know that can be tough for some people, but will totally be worth it and there are professionals who are ready and willing to help. It's what they're passionate about. Just as you're doing now, begin researching all your options and then decide what route you will choose.

    We're always here to listen as well. Come here and share anytime. Recovery is a journey and a process. By you just coming here you've already started the process of change. Kudos for that.
  3. Jayj

    Jayj Member

    That is exactly I feel..I feel that even though its only once a WK I do it I end up making bad choices and not going to work..I don't like what it and are becoming x
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Teetee. I think the best thing you could possibly do for yourself is to work hard on overcoming your addiction. Since I live in the U.S., I don't know anything, really, about rehab in the U.K. But I did find this two websites that I think can help you:

    https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/drug-addiction-getting-help/

    https://www.talktofrank.com/need-support?ID=108

    Don't wait. Check those links out today. And start taking steps in the direction of recovery. You have a lot going for you, my friend. Don't risk losing it because of your addiction.

    We're here for you anytime you need help, support, or someone to listen.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Jayj... You can beat your addiction. Where are you located? If you tell us a little more about your situation, we can probably give you some suggestions that could help.
  6. Jayj

    Jayj Member

    I am fine all week work hard..think normal an just me..but then wen it cones to Friday or Saturday have a thew drinks then have cocaine..each time I say this time I won't let myself act an say the things I do..but I do an its like nothing is important until I realise reality..then my past is all I see an feel...such pain an sadness x
  7. Teetee

    Teetee Member

    Thanks its exactly what i needed to hear. How do you beat the urge though? To fight off the thinking and thoughts.
  8. Jayj

    Jayj Member

    I don't..wen its the weekend I only do it on one of the nights but I end up awake an off my head till atleast 10am then I lie in bed and go through every bad thing and scenario.. Which is wat I have done today..I feel horrible..my urge is a weekend an I say never again but I no I'm full of **** x
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Jayj If you're continually relapsing, I encourage you to do whatever it takes to reach out for some face to face help in your community. Find an addiction therapist and go for a while. Begin educating yourself on addiction and Recovery. Take time every day to feed your mind things about recovery. Read some great books on the topic. You can do a lot of things yourself at home if you're motivated. And also try some community things, whether it be meetings or seeing a therapist.

    Recovery is a process and a journey, and even though you might feel awful now, you're on that Journey because you're wanting to stop and you're even here reaching out for help. Hope to keep hearing from you
    deanokat likes this.
  10. Teetee

    Teetee Member

    Like dominica said, this is the advice I am taking. I know what you mean Jay, I feel so awful, imagine trying to sleep and your sweating buckets because you stink of that crap coming out of your system while she can't sleep, because as addicts we are not affecting ourselves only, but others to who love you. I am fortunate enough to have a wife who loves me so hence I'm taking this serious and making a big effort to stop, I always convinced myself I don't have an addiction, but I have a relapse issue, but this time it has really hurt to see her hurt so much by it. She can't sleep or eat and cried at work, I just stayed at home for days sweating in my own misery and not eating properley, I love the gym so much and I have worked a good physique then I let it go in space of few days then it takes a week or 2 to get back to normal.

    Honestly I just love to know if people who go through what I have and how they convinced them selves to not want to get high, I honestly think it's not worth it with all the bad effects it comes with, you upset your Wife, you don't eat for days, you spent so much money and time, no gym, family thinks your a fool, I'm actually suppose to be religious to and that helps me, God is a big important part of my life and I know i got to stop for his sake to.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Teetee I'm glad to hear that you have faith. I find that feeding my faith on a daily basis helps keep me strong mind body and spirit. With and through God, we have amazing potential.
    deanokat likes this.
  12. Jayj

    Jayj Member

    I have an an amazing partner to...I have decided I'm tired of it now like u said there's no gain at any point apart from needing more an hating urself..I need to be free of it an be happy..my heads a mess right now x
  13. Jayj

    Jayj Member

    I'm in the UK x
  14. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Jayj

    If drinking leads you to using cocaine, then it's essential that you not take that first drink. I remember many years ago I would binge drink on the weekends. And then I would kick myself come Monday morning. I actually decided to go to a support group called Alcoholics Anonymous for about a year to learn how to live life without drinking. I also saw a therapist, which I always suggest that people do. That they find a way to afford it. Addiction specialist or even sometimes a recovery or life coach can be so helpful. It's a small investment for a better quality of life for the rest of your life. A wonderful investment.

    Perhaps you can make a goal to go one weekend without drinking at all. Is that something that you can commit to? How did this weekend go for you?
    deanokat likes this.
  15. Jayj

    Jayj Member

    I drank again..I'm not a massive drinker but sadly the 2 come together so yes without a drink I would be fine. My goal is to not drink this weekend. I rang in work sick which has really put me on a downer as I new I was in work but still did it x
    Dominica likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Maybe this link could help you find a Cocaine Anonymous meeting to attend. Support group meetings can be incredibly helpful and comforting, because you are surrounded by people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling.

    https://meetings.cocaineanonymous.org.uk/meetings/

    We're here for you, my friend.
    Dominica likes this.
  17. Jayj

    Jayj Member

    Thank u so much just nice to speak out even that has helped x
    True concern, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  18. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    That's what we're here for, @Jayj. You can lean on us anytime you'd like. :)
    Dominica likes this.
  19. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    I'm glad that you've made the goal to not drink this weekend. We will definitely be here to inspire and motivate you and hold you accountable. You can do it!
    deanokat likes this.
  20. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Hard to follow but sounds like a similar situation with jayj and Teetee...
    One thing stands out to me: ABC: alcohol before cocaine. Very common. Both are drugs and both can kill you as both are progressive diseases that make your mind think you can control just one more. Obviously there is never just ONE more or there wouldn't be relapses. There is no way to fix staying clean on your own. Sounds like you know that. Once you cross a line and it sounds like you have you need help to break the cycle of relapsing and wanting to use. Sorry. Been there done that and it cannot be done...certainly with any happiness in your life.
    A solution is as deanokat and Dominica suggested: a 12 step meeting for either Narcotics Anonomous (cocaine anonymous aren't usually easy to find or frequent although I see deanokat sent a link) but in NA you can certainly address cocaine and even alcohol. Most people are poly addicted (addicted to more than one drug). NA is worldwide so there really is no excuse not to go unless you really don't want help.
    You can attend in any stage you are at. All that is required is a DESIRE to stop using which you have. Just don't bring any drugs or paraphernalia in with you.
    Just bring your desire and raise your hand or grab someone after the meeting if you don't want to share. Grab someone who said something that you related to or that you want to be like. Men with men and women with women though.
    Good luck. Do it. It is the last solution or hope other than going to a rehab at which you'll end up at a meeting after anyway! Of course, if you can go to a rehab all the better.
    True concern, Dominica and deanokat like this.