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Kicking pills...first real attempt...

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by fixingmyselfnow, Apr 15, 2019.

  1. fixingmyselfnow

    fixingmyselfnow Active Contributor

    On and off for 10 years with 5-7 years of 35-50 mg hydro daily. I know, not a ton compared to some.

    On day 4 and its strange but I go from feeling "normal" (I think its normal...its been so long) to then MASSIVE craving.

    I had read (and HOPED!!) by day 4 I'd feel better, but honestly still craving BAD.

    Jittery stomach, mental focus is difficult, zero energy. I can nap almost anytime.

    Doing this alone as no one else in my life knows this is happening. So I get a lot of "Why you so tired?" "You sick or something"?

    Still have pills so they call to me, but I've been strong thus far.

    EDIT - Re-reading edit here...

    I think I've always had an addictive personality. As did my father who I watched medicate with alcohol and, I now suspect, pills back in the day. He was a great man, but I suspect he had demons I was unaware of. As are my children. One of the reasons I want to quit. I have a good wife (who is unaware or so I hope) and great kids.

    I'm no longer pleased with having to take something to feel "ok" an go about my day.

    I'm afraid to toss remaining pills but I haven't accessed them since Thursday afternoon. Conscious decision to stop....but am I committed if I still have the pills? I guess not 100% at this point...

    sticking with it.
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019
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  2. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    @fixingmyselfnow, hey a fellow opiate addict here. Little over a year clean now.
    I'm very glad you came to this site as it was my lifeline when I was detoxing.
    I'm gonna be real with you. This may come off as harsh but its reality. Seriously.
    I was on hydros, had the opportunity to throw them away when I was 17 or 18 because I knew I had a problem. I did like you, said well I'm gonna stop, I've made up my mind, but I kept the pills. By the time I was at the end of my addiction (because if you don't want to throw away those life killing candies you don't really want to qiut),
    It took about a gram of heroin a day just to keep me from throwing up. Forget feeling high, I just didn't want to feel like death was around every corner.(In reality it was staring me in the face. And had been ever since I started taking those horrible Vicodin pills).
    I had a wife, kid, 2 cars, nice apartment. Then I fooled myself about my control over taking those pills. Eventdually I was homeless. Hoping for a high that always was out of reach. Locked up. Divorced.
    Please, you wouldn't be here if you didn't know you had a problem,and needed help. What I'm about to say next can save your life.
    If you have been four days w/o any throw the pills in the trash, never look back and enjoy your life while you still have it.
    If you just want to keep them around just because, you have already relapsed.
  3. fixingmyselfnow

    fixingmyselfnow Active Contributor

    ….harsh but I STRONGLY suspect you are 100% correct...

    Soul searching is needed.

    GREATLY appreciate your time and communication.
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  4. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Man I feel for you. I so want for you what I wish I had done. I know its harsh, but not at all as harsh as what this will grow into if you don't stop now. All I said was said out of love man. I'm here if you wanna talk. Always
    deanokat likes this.
  5. fixingmyselfnow

    fixingmyselfnow Active Contributor

    Thank you, very much. Seriously.

    Two stupid little pills would make everything feel better (and then 2 more in a couple hours...and then 2 more...)...and worse. Frustrating - with myself for getting here.

    The sun will rise. The world will turn.

    Time to get busy. There's always laundry. LOL.
    Dominica, deanokat and Joshstillclean like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @fixingmyselfnow... First off, I want to congratulate you on Day 4. That's a terrific accomplishment and I hope the coming days get easier for you.

    I have to say, I concur with @Joshstillclean. As long as you have those pills, they're gonna keep crying out to you. Just get rid of 'em, man.

    Also, have you ever considered sharing your addiction issue with your wife? Sure, in a perfect world it would be great if you could get clean, stay clean, and never have her find out about it. But, on the other hand, she could help you with accountability, which isn't a bad thing. Just a thought. I'm sure you're worried about how she would react to finding out you've been hiding an addiction from her for so long. But I'm guessing she'd be supportive and want to help you any way she could. Just my two cents.

    We're here for you, my brother. We'll help and support you any way we can, and we're terrific listeners. So keep coming back and leaning on us, okay?

    You can do this. I know you can. One day at a time.
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  7. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Thays so true. I often compare opiate addiction to one very long liquor bender with a delayed and seemingly never-ending hangover to end all hangovers. The worse part never makes the better part worth it.
  8. fixingmyselfnow

    fixingmyselfnow Active Contributor

    Have a "thing" tomorrow that's causing some nervousness and anxiety. Those little pills would cure that feeling...but, nope. That's why I stopped four days I'll be 4.5 days with nothing in system...

    Trying DHEA and other supplements (all OTC stuff) and that does seem to help.

    Maybe psychosomatic but I don't care...relief is relief.
    Dominica likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Deep-breathing exercises, @fixingmyselfnow. They do wonders for my anxiety. I especially like this one:

    Tw1971 likes this.
  10. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    L-tyrosine. Can get it at GNC. It helps with opioid withdrawal and depression by binding to dopamine receptors. When I was detoxing it actually helped me so much it stopped my vomiting. I still take it occasionally.
    Really does mellow you out and its all natural,but hard to find. I don't condone the use of kratom, its just another high, but this kinda helps like that without the high. Increases metabolism also so your more likely to pee clean. Sooner at least.
  11. fixingmyselfnow

    fixingmyselfnow Active Contributor

    I hit the gym HARD and feel MUCH improved.

    Sun is shining and almost feel normal....calm before the storm.hoping not.

    I think tomorrow the "stash" goes bye bye...

    Thanks for all the support.
    deanokat, Dominica and Joshstillclean like this.
  12. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Man that's a good feeling. I remember when I started getting my strength back after i detoxed(I was pathetic I lost about 40 pounds, and im only 160 when solid). Being able to run again felt so good.
    And glad to hear you made the decision to trash that trash. I believe just that alone will calm your nerves because it won't be a constant itch you have to make yourself NOT scratch.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  13. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    Hello and welcome. @Joshstillclean has given you some excellent advice. If I could go back 10 years and throw away those Percocet I would. Your withdrawal is nowhere near as bad as it could be. You are smart enough and strong enough to stop and to reach out for help now. Congratulations man you can do this.
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  14. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

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  15. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    I feel I should say something my friend. Every one on this thread is telling you straight up how it is and giving good advice.
    It advice like that and none of this tip-toeing around as to be politically correct that helped me,so much on this site. Remember that your post started with you saying you wanted to get clean and were tired of feeling the way you were. You mentioned family. They need you.
    A couple of posts later you mentioned that you had a thing and that this thing is the reason you stopped 4.5 days before so you would have a clean system. Mentioned how a couple..couple more then couple more would take away these bad feelings that will only het worse the longer you take them. It is a progressive disease.
    Well, just curious why you said you will probably get rod of them tomorrow? Tomorrow, after this thing you might find yourself a whole lot more tempted to put them in your body than in the toilet. If you can flush them tonight and not be able to have the chance to second guess your decision tomorrow please do it.
    5 to 7 years of continuous use tells me you like opium. I do too. And I can tell you that having to hit rock bottom before you are 100 % committed to getting clean is the worst thing to go through. If your lucky enough to live through it.
    You said you had a lot of soul searching to do. With addiction there is no grey area to sobriety, can't be on both sides of the fence. Take a look at the heroin forum and see how fast one can loose it all.
    I know how somber I sound but everything I've said is true. 14 years ago my dad was telling me this. I wish I had listened. Take care and good luck tomorrow.
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  16. fixingmyselfnow

    fixingmyselfnow Active Contributor

    The thing went great.

    Felt nearly normal today. For long periods I did feel normal, and strong. And zero craving for long stretches.

    Tomorrow is garbage day. I'm tossing them while I still feel strong.

    Long story but I don't have easy access to pills anymore. Once these are gone it will become VERY difficult for me to procure if I even tried. I have a MASSIVE stash. The fact I've stayed to only 30-50 mg (depending on the stressors of the given day) must mean I still had some self control.

    But having finished 5+ days and actually craving is significantly reduced, I want to take advantage of this.

    You mentioned the itch calling for a scratch...that's a good way to put it.

    I am realizing I dodged a MAJOR bullet here. Too many things could have gone wrong...thank God they didn't but I don't want to tempt fate. Nor go thru this again. My withdrawal was minor from the reading I've been doing and it sucked. Can't imagine what some of you have gone thru....

    I know you don't know me, but the responses, the genuine response and concern for another human being has meant a great deal. Thank you all.

    I will update after garbage truck has scooped and gone....
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  17. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @fixingmyselfnow so good to read this update! glad you felt more normal yesterday and that you're tossing the pills. very proud of you!

    six days now is incredible... keep doing what you're doing. one day at a time. YOU CAN BEAT THIS...and i mean, forever.

    we are glad to be here for you!! come anytime!

    have a blessed day!
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  18. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @fixingmyselfnow... Glad to hear you're tossing the stash today. Get it out of your life, my brother. All of it. Congrats on Day 6!
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  19. fixingmyselfnow

    fixingmyselfnow Active Contributor


    Kept thinking and re-thinking...I could keep some "in case"...

    Then, while in shower (where I do all my best I thought, if you feel good right now...what do you need them for? You don't. And as stated by @Joshstillclean I'll have the ability to scratch that itch if I keep them and I mess up.

    Tomorrow 1 week.

    Thanks all. While I don't think I was a rock bottom situation, this could have turned bad with one mess up. Car accident, not even your fault and for some reason they want to draw blood...or stash gets found and have to explain = embarrassment...

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  20. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Really glad to hear they are gone.
    Best choice ever made.