My names zach im an addict. Currently 23 years old. Ive used every drug you can think of but meth has become my drug of choice. Ive been using heavily now for about 3 years. And much of the time I binge drink while on meth. I started shooting up very shortly after trying ice the first time and I was hooked. However I went to jail 2-3 different times and managed to stay off the needle for over a year. While off the needle, things were actually going okay and I still had control over everything. Fast forward till now and I have a huge problem. Very recently i bought a bag off somebody and they had fresh points in the car. I got a sudden urge to shoot up and and in a state of pure ignorance I asked if I could have one. I knew better but of course they said they said yes. This has been less than a month ago, and it has already completely tore my life apart. Its 10 times worse than when i shot up in the beginning. A big problem is I found a new dealer that hooks me up more than anybody I've ever dealt with before. For 30 bucks I'm getting what I used to pay 70 for. And it doesnt matter what time I call there always available. This has made my addiction grow out of control. I used to so carefully take out a "safe" amount to shoot up. Here recently I dont care at all I dont even use filters anymore I just dump a whole bunch into the rig. I'm not even weighing it so I have no idea how much I'm shooting up each time. This is probably also the point to mention im a diagnosed skitsofrenic or however you spell it. This meaning that even without drugs ive heard things that arent there or seen imaginary things. Well here recently its been a total nightmare. I've been hearing every electronic device in my house telling me to kill myself. And even tho I know its not real I still convince myself that it is. This alone has thrown me into full on psychosis which is actually how my mom found out I relapsed. Ive been pink slipped 3 times before for the same thing. Whats scary now is it isnt as much paranoia as it is suicidal ideations. I have been wanting to die everyday for about five days now and im reaching a breaking point. I just can't take it anymore. I fantasize about loading the rig full and taking that final shot. Never hhave i felt more capable of doing it than now. Im forcing myself to write this out because I know I need help before I'm another statistic. I have more than what I need to survive I have a supporting family and a roof over my head. So my question is why am I still feeling like this?? I'm about to lose everything I have. My family is there for me but they absolutely will not support me in active addiction. If I'm thrown out on the streets again there is no question in my mind that I would end it all. My family is all I got and what keeps me alive. Ive tried reaching out to god and friends and with no Avail. So this is my last attempt to try and fix things before i make a decision I'll regret forever. I need you guys, hopefully some people my age to to tell me what I should do. I already have a therapist and religion is something I've given up on. So any other advice you could give me could be potentially life saving. If youve read this entire post and care enough to reply just know that I love you for that and I need you. Im open to any suggestions. By the way if anybody was wondering I live in ohio, if that helps you at all. I really hope to hear a reply, because this is it. Thank you!