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Last call, addicted to meth

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Lostinvoid, Oct 19, 2018.

  1. Lostinvoid

    Lostinvoid Member

    My names zach im an addict. Currently 23 years old. Ive used every drug you can think of but meth has become my drug of choice. Ive been using heavily now for about 3 years. And much of the time I binge drink while on meth. I started shooting up very shortly after trying ice the first time and I was hooked. However I went to jail 2-3 different times and managed to stay off the needle for over a year. While off the needle, things were actually going okay and I still had control over everything. Fast forward till now and I have a huge problem. Very recently i bought a bag off somebody and they had fresh points in the car. I got a sudden urge to shoot up and and in a state of pure ignorance I asked if I could have one. I knew better but of course they said they said yes. This has been less than a month ago, and it has already completely tore my life apart. Its 10 times worse than when i shot up in the beginning. A big problem is I found a new dealer that hooks me up more than anybody I've ever dealt with before. For 30 bucks I'm getting what I used to pay 70 for. And it doesnt matter what time I call there always available. This has made my addiction grow out of control. I used to so carefully take out a "safe" amount to shoot up. Here recently I dont care at all I dont even use filters anymore I just dump a whole bunch into the rig. I'm not even weighing it so I have no idea how much I'm shooting up each time. This is probably also the point to mention im a diagnosed skitsofrenic or however you spell it. This meaning that even without drugs ive heard things that arent there or seen imaginary things. Well here recently its been a total nightmare. I've been hearing every electronic device in my house telling me to kill myself. And even tho I know its not real I still convince myself that it is. This alone has thrown me into full on psychosis which is actually how my mom found out I relapsed. Ive been pink slipped 3 times before for the same thing. Whats scary now is it isnt as much paranoia as it is suicidal ideations. I have been wanting to die everyday for about five days now and im reaching a breaking point. I just can't take it anymore. I fantasize about loading the rig full and taking that final shot. Never hhave i felt more capable of doing it than now. Im forcing myself to write this out because I know I need help before I'm another statistic. I have more than what I need to survive I have a supporting family and a roof over my head. So my question is why am I still feeling like this?? I'm about to lose everything I have. My family is there for me but they absolutely will not support me in active addiction. If I'm thrown out on the streets again there is no question in my mind that I would end it all. My family is all I got and what keeps me alive. Ive tried reaching out to god and friends and with no Avail. So this is my last attempt to try and fix things before i make a decision I'll regret forever. I need you guys, hopefully some people my age to to tell me what I should do. I already have a therapist and religion is something I've given up on. So any other advice you could give me could be potentially life saving. If youve read this entire post and care enough to reply just know that I love you for that and I need you. Im open to any suggestions. By the way if anybody was wondering I live in ohio, if that helps you at all. I really hope to hear a reply, because this is it. Thank you!
  2. Lostinvoid

    Lostinvoid Member

    Please... I need to hear something. Please dont let this post go unnoticed. :(
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    It will not go in noticed
    deanokat likes this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I have read your entire post...Give me time to reply,I usually write a lot so I need about 2 hour's!!!!!!!
    deanokat likes this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Lostinvoid I read "Suicidal"Family won't support me in "Active addiction"I have everything I need to "Survive"I "Fantasize"about ending it all.YOU are searching for answers,you want to know why you can't or won't stop.Is there any childhood trauma that haunts you?,were you sexually abused?,Or were you mistreated in any other way at all?If so you are not alone,I was abused and it took year's of destroying my life with substances such as meth before I started recalling suppressed memories of the incident, and ultimately it was the driving force in my self hate.To think I wanted to die because someone abused me,but unfortunately that's how the subconscious work's at time's. When you get soooo high you hear thing's and sooo tired you see thing's, being in this state of mind is not just scary ,it's potentially deadly as you have admitted yourself "voices telling you to kill yourself"and the possibility of hurting someone else over something you thought you heard or thought you seen,you have to STOP using before it's to late.You need to seek help and you have to take it seriously, you need to see a psychiatrist and I know you don't want to hear that but my friend you need it.You said you have given up on asking God for help as he never does,well God doesn't just walk around and make everything perfect for everyone, he gave each and everyone of us free will,when you ask for help he provides a way out,a path,a choice,but with your own free will you must recognize the choice in front of you.He heard you my friend,he gave you a choice so subtle you don't even realize it,despite never talking about your addiction here you are reaching out seeking help from a place you had no intention of coming to,he showed you a path and through free will you chose to speak about your problem here,with us.Maybe just maybe you found us because he DID hear you and HE is trying to help you,but you have to be willing to put in the work and give the effort to heal your pain.My friend you can beat this addiction and you already see where it's headed,your dealer gives you a huge amount of dope for what you pay ,people like myself being a person who does believe in God, see your dealer as evil working to overpower good through giving you way more than you pay for.I will end it here but I suspect other's will chime in and not everyone who chimes in is religious so even though I usually don't involve religion in this I felt I had to because of what I read from you,but whatever you do,whatever path you take make sure the path you take is a path that reflects and supports love for yourself and your family. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lostinvoid

    Hello Zach. Welcome to The Forum. Really glad you're here. @True concern has given you some great insight and advice. Anytime I hear anyone talking about Suicidal Thoughts, I always encourage them to go to the emergency room and check themselves in or call the suicide hotline. 1-800-273-8255

    I'm pretty sure you probably don't want to check out of this life, you just want the pain to stop. But I assure you that there is a way out of this addiction, a way out of the pain, but it's going to take you once again reaching out for some professional help. To think that you're going to be able to just up and stop on your own with your willpower is probably naive. Or you would have done so by now.

    You ask why are you feeling like this. Because this thing called addiction is kicking your ass. Your brain actually goes through changes when you use drugs, and your brain is quite addicted. The brain literally thinks it will die without another hit. It's that survival part of the brain that that gets tweaked. There's a whole science behind it that I won't get into, but it's not necessarily the real you that is the issue here. It is the disease of addiction that has taken over. And oftentimes long term recovery help is needed.

    You mentioned that you have the therapist. Does your therapist know the extent of your thoughts, usage, state of Mind? Honesty moving forward will be very important for you and your recovery. It's easy to be honest here among strangers, but usually not so easy among those you know. But humility will be necessary in order to make strides against this addiction.

    I want you to know that you have the potential and the opportunity to create a different lifestyle for yourself. You're very young and I do remember when I was your age. Well just a little bit younger I was addicted to alcohol and ended up getting in trouble with the law. Ended up crashing into a house and that was my big wake-up call. That was when I knew that I didn't want to live my life that way, so I ended up attending AA and getting a sponsor and going to college and decided I didn't want to live my life a slave to a drug. I went to some therapy and I began a journey inside toward finding myself and finding some sort of faith. And I can say many many years later that i'm glad that I made that choice.

    I hope that you'll keep coming back here. I also hope that you will reach out for immediate help from an addiction specialist or checking yourself into the hospital and really embracing this recovery and letting others help you get through the withdrawals. And learning how to live life without resorting to using drugs and of course as true concern mentioned facing unhealed wounds or pain that are lingering in your life.

    One thing is for sure is that we will believe in you no matter what. If you relapse, get your butt right back up and start again. Draw a line in the sand and say "No effin' more!" See yourself free of the addiction and pursuing your life goals or discovering your passions or setting out to help other people. Creating a kind of life where you can experience more peace and joy along the journey. Envision yourself the person that you want to be. Allow your family and friends to encourage you. Allow the professionals to help you and work your ass off on your recovery.

    I hope this helps and we hope to hear back from you....
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, Zach (@Lostinvoid). I'm sorry to read about the struggles you're going through, but I'm glad you found us and reached out. I apologize for not getting to your post sooner, but, unfortunately, it's hard to monitor this forum 24/7. In any case, you've gotten some excellent insight and words of wisdom from both @True concern and @Dominica.

    I've never been an addict myself, but as the father of a 28-year-old son who has battled addiction on and off for more than 13 years, I understand a bit about what you're going through. And if you're anything like my son, who also talks frequently about suicide, I'm guessing your situation is like what Dominica suggested: you don't necessarily want to die...you just want the pain to stop. Believe me, I totally get that.

    I urge you to share everything you're thinking with your therapist. Therapists are great, and they can really help people battle their demons; but they can't help you with something if they don't know about it. So if you've been holding back anything from your therapist, try hard to open up and let it out.

    You may also want to consider seeking out an addiction specialist. They are doctors who are thoroughly trained in all aspects of addiction, so they know way more than a "normal" doctor. I think a good addiction specialist might be able to really help you. You can search for one in your area by putting your zip code in the search box on the American Board of Addiction Medicine's "Find a Doctor" page:

    https://www.abam.net/find-a-doctor/

    You're so young, my friend. And you've got a ton of life ahead of you. I hope and pray that you can find solutions for your problems soon, so you can live the kind of life you deserve to have.

    I also want you to know that your addiction doesn't make you a bad person. Addiction isn't some kind of moral failing. It's a brain disease. So you're not bad; you're just sick. And I know you can get better.

    We are here for you. We will help you, support you, and listen to you, always without judgment. I think @True concern is someone who can be sort of a mentor for you, too. He has come so far and has so much knowledge to share. Listen to what he has to say, okay?

    I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm also sending you as much positive energy, hope, and encouragement as the internet will allow. Know that people care. You are not alone.
    True concern likes this.
  8. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    Wow I'm glad you reached out. Your best course of action is is to get help for your schizophrenia. And ask your family to take you somewhere to get that help.
    I rejected therapy so many times in my addiction because I wasn't ready to stop. I wish I hadn't. Since I been clean and seeing a therapist also taking DBT classes. I've read that it is good for people who are schizophrenic and people multi personality disorder. I been able to cope with my issues now. I also build a good support system. I hope this helps and you get the help you need.
    I lost a lot of friends from addiction I wish they would have reached out like you are now. Maybe they would still be here.
    Let us know what you deside.
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Jai50 I'm so happy to hear your doing well. So proud of you
    Dominica likes this.
  10. Ethan22

    Ethan22 Member

    I have a crazy problem too and feel **** every day but taking your own life isn’t the way to go. You have family and friends and it’s selfish and unfair on them too
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Jai50 Hey there. I'm also glad to hear that you're doing so well. You certainly are making the effort and I'm proud of you!
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  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for updating us on how you're doing, @Jai50. Your post made me smile big! Keep it up, my friend! :)
    True concern likes this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lostinvoid

    Hey, Zach... How are you doing? How did your weekend go? If you get a chance, please check in with us and let us know how things are going. We're here and we care.
    True concern likes this.
  14. Lostinvoid

    Lostinvoid Member

    Yes I was sexually abused when I was 15 years old. Never went to authorities out of fear. Luckily he is prison now for doing the same thing to an infant! He was the devil himself.
  15. Lostinvoid

    Lostinvoid Member

    Thanks for the reply! My therapist knows about me being sexually abused and that I'm using. I'm always so scared to admit I'm suicidal because every time I've been honest about it before it got me pink slipped. And being in a mental health facility against my will made me even more suicidal!
  16. Lostinvoid

    Lostinvoid Member

    thanks for the reply. The only update i can give is that I'm alive and breathing. Sorry it took a minute for me to reply, had a really bad battle with depression and anxiety.
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  17. Lostinvoid

    Lostinvoid Member

    I take a shot called invega monthly. Its supposed to help with my disorders. Since I started taking it for the most part I feel a little more stable. But the symptoms are still effecting me.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  18. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lostinvoid I do hope that you're feeling better today. Battling anxiety can be rough, for sure. I do hope that you get back to feeling yourself here soon. Thanks for the update
    deanokat likes this.
  19. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Praying hard for you, @Lostinvoid. And sending you lots of positive, healing energy. If you get some free time, try taking a walk outside, no matter how short. Just take in the nature you see. Take some deep breaths of fresh air. And give your body a chance to revel in everything around it. That kind of thing really helps me when I'm feeling depressed or anxious.
    Dominica likes this.
  20. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am sorry it took me awhile to respond to this,it's got me emotionally fuc*ed up a bit,I understand what that will do to you,it happened to me as well and I didn't say I was suicidal but I tried everything to get someone to kill me so I guess it's the same,I know the horror you feel,the blame,confusion,self hatred,i imagine nightmares, flashbacks, panic,uncomfortable, lack of trust,etc.NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT, DON'T DESTROY YOURSELF OVER SOMEONE SO EVIL,BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER FORGET BUT YOU CAN HEAL EMOTIONALLY.....I PROMISE,These people on this site have been helping me for almost 10 month's now they care and are helping me to trust others,reach out honestly, and improve my self confidence. THERE IS HELP FOR YOU AND WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat and Dominica like this.