@Lostinvoid
Hello Zach. Welcome to The Forum. Really glad you're here.
@True concern has given you some great insight and advice. Anytime I hear anyone talking about Suicidal Thoughts, I always encourage them to go to the emergency room and check themselves in or call the suicide hotline. 1-800-273-8255
I'm pretty sure you probably don't want to check out of this life, you just want the pain to stop. But I assure you that there is a way out of this addiction, a way out of the pain, but it's going to take you once again reaching out for some professional help. To think that you're going to be able to just up and stop on your own with your willpower is probably naive. Or you would have done so by now.
You ask why are you feeling like this. Because this thing called addiction is kicking your ass. Your brain actually goes through changes when you use drugs, and your brain is quite addicted. The brain literally thinks it will die without another hit. It's that survival part of the brain that that gets tweaked. There's a whole science behind it that I won't get into, but it's not necessarily the real you that is the issue here. It is the disease of addiction that has taken over. And oftentimes long term recovery help is needed.
You mentioned that you have the therapist. Does your therapist know the extent of your thoughts, usage, state of Mind? Honesty moving forward will be very important for you and your recovery. It's easy to be honest here among strangers, but usually not so easy among those you know. But humility will be necessary in order to make strides against this addiction.
I want you to know that you have the potential and the opportunity to create a different lifestyle for yourself. You're very young and I do remember when I was your age. Well just a little bit younger I was addicted to alcohol and ended up getting in trouble with the law. Ended up crashing into a house and that was my big wake-up call. That was when I knew that I didn't want to live my life that way, so I ended up attending AA and getting a sponsor and going to college and decided I didn't want to live my life a slave to a drug. I went to some therapy and I began a journey inside toward finding myself and finding some sort of faith. And I can say many many years later that i'm glad that I made that choice.
I hope that you'll keep coming back here. I also hope that you will reach out for immediate help from an addiction specialist or checking yourself into the hospital and really embracing this recovery and letting others help you get through the withdrawals. And learning how to live life without resorting to using drugs and of course as true concern mentioned facing unhealed wounds or pain that are lingering in your life.
One thing is for sure is that we will believe in you no matter what. If you relapse, get your butt right back up and start again. Draw a line in the sand and say "No effin' more!" See yourself free of the addiction and pursuing your life goals or discovering your passions or setting out to help other people. Creating a kind of life where you can experience more peace and joy along the journey. Envision yourself the person that you want to be. Allow your family and friends to encourage you. Allow the professionals to help you and work your ass off on your recovery.
I hope this helps and we hope to hear back from you....
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