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Learning to live again finally

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Jai50, Jul 7, 2018.

  1. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    I'm learning how to live with my addiction to heroin and pain pills. I was sick of being sick and playing the game to get high.
    I was a functioning addict for most of my life. As long as I had a good job home car ext. I didn't have a drug problem. a long time back My niece told my sister "I know why auntie is so skinny. My sister asked my niece "why?" She answered " because she sleeps while she eats." My sister looks over the table at me. I got my fork up to my mouth sleeping at the thanks giving dinner table. My family thought I was just tired from my job. I was always traveling somewhere and on call 24/7. They never thought I was snorting 5 80mg oxys before I came over for dinner. I'm an introvert I always had problems being arnd people. I self medicated with opiates to walk into a store be arnd people, do my job ext. Crack n cocaine to clean my house, followed by benzos n heroin to come down. acid mushrooms to chill n do puzzles. i started shooting heroin because I wasnt getting high enough from just snorting it. Drugs were a part of my life a part of me.
    I started making wrong choices. I was beaten and shot. This still wasn't enough to stop me from using. My excessive use of opiates were my down fall. They became the only part of my life that mattered.
    How do I learn to live without drugs in my life??
    I just got tired of dealing with all the bs. All the games. Bottom line I was sick of being sick!! Detoxing from drugs is the easy part . Learning to live without them was hard for me.
    Everyone has there own way of dealing with life and choices we make. I'm just starting to make the right ones now. I've experienced and learned a lot from my past. Now I'm moving forward learning how to live with my issues in an effective way. Not how I had been for so many yrs.
    I didn't want to go swimming or where a tank top because I didn't want anyone to see the scar from the gun shot that almost took off my head. I didn't want to talk abt it. It still can't it brings tears to my eyes when someone asks me what happened. I'm slowly starting to talk abt it now to get over the PDSD.
    I'm so blessed to have the people I brought into my life now, and letting go of the violent past I was living.
    Its a new beginning for me. I'm starting to feel alive again. I wasnt doing that for a long time because of my addiction. Im building new relationships with my family and children. The choices I make today to continue my recovery have made my life worth living. 2 years ago I was ready to die. I thought I would never stop being addicted to drugs. If it's possible for a 30 yr addict like me it's possible for anyone I been down almost every road to recovery. I finally found the one that's right for me.
    I'm learning to live with my addiction.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I'm so proud of you @Jai50 you have indeed been through alot I am so happy to hear that you are learning to live life again,it's a tough emotional rollercoaster for sure.I just passed 6 month's sober yesterday and infact i need to go to a meeting today and get my 6 month chip
    deanokat and Josh111187 like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Jai50 awesome! so proud of you!

    @True concern congrats on 6 months!! woohoo! you're doing amazing and i'm so grateful to be journeying with you!!

    put that chip somewhere special...so you can see it all the time :)
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  4. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    I couldn’t agree more! Looking back on my detox, the physical act of getting sober was the easy part. Staying sober is the hard part. Learning to live without drugs and alcohol means we have to change literally everything about our lives. I’ve heard it said that we have to change our “playmates, our playground and our play things” everything we thought we knew about life has to change. But the transformation is INCREDIBLE. Addicts do a 180. We go from being selfish assholes to kind, compassionate honest people. Addicts in recovery are the best of people in my opinion. There’s so much introspection in getting and staying sober that makes an addict in recovery such a beautiful person. I’m happy your sober. And @True concern congrats on 6 months! What an accomplishment! WOW! So so so so very proud of you! You’re kicking addictions ass! :) They make keychain holders for AA coins, that’s what I have. I get to see my 4 year coin every time I use my keys and it makes me smile. My mom got it for me for my one year anniversary so I’m not sure where she got it, I think online.
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  5. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor


    I remember the when I was 6 mo this last time. I remember how I felt when I woke up in the mornings most of all. I wasn't sick or plotting how I could could score some dope. Keep going it gets better everyday.
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  6. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    So true. I was told I was an adrenaline junkie in rehab one time. To stop playing the game was hard for me. The adrenaline i was getting. One of my good friends died last Christmas. I felt terrible because I just couldn't be ard that **** one more. He OD. I thought I shoulda been there more for him cuz he got so distructive at the end.
    Sad
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    We can only do so much,and our bodies will only take so much.This is why i value this second chance so much and have to try and help with it
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  8. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    @Jai50, .I'm so happy to read your posts you write them with a happier lighter heart it seems like than when I first was reading your posts. Yeah I'm really happy.
    I'm glad you started this thread too, been absent for a few day because this last little bit coming off the benzos is ..wheeew...it's just all over the place, I've been allover the place it's been rough. But I realized that this is the world coming back to me. Seeing hearing, smelling things like they were meant to be it's normal. I've been gone from the land of the normal for so long it kinda freaks me out a little when coming back. But coming back I am. I decided to be happy that I'm freaked out a little bit because it means I'm healing that much more. Thanks for a positive post. I'm glad you started this thread, and glad that I feel that I'm learning to live too!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  9. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    That's good I know how you feel. Yes I was having some real issues myself a few weeks ago. I went away this past weekend thought I put a little more out there abt myself. It's hard for me because I been alone in my addiction for so long it's hard for me to communicate. Also learning how to navigate these forums. I'm glad your not on them benzos anymore they are a hard due.
    It's funny how everything happens for a reason. I was just getting a new email address started and I started messing around on the computer again found this site. It has helped me a lot.
  10. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    You are coming back !! :) Happy about that. Hope you had a great day!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Jai50 we are a New part of your family please feel free to share openly and we understand technology drives me a bit crazy myself but i love hearing from you.You are not alone in your addiction any longer.;)
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    :confused:I just figured out these emoji faces lol....600+messages...and just figured them out...hilariouso_O
    Dominica, lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm super proud of you, @Jai50. Your story will help others who read it. Thanks for being here with us. And for sharing. Keep moving forward, my friend!
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... Congrats on getting your 6 month chip, my brother! That is all kinds of awesome and I'm proud of you for reaching that milestone! You are an inspiration!!!
    True concern and lonewolves like this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Josh111187... Welcome back to the land of the normal! All in all, it's really not that bad a place, is it??? ;)