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Life on the clean side

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by spacecas, Oct 3, 2014.

  1. spacecas

    spacecas Member

    I feel I need to give you all some background information before I begin. About 9 years ago my husband and myself lost two of our children for almost a year due to METH ADDICTION. We got the chance to clean ourselves up and get them back and that's exactly what we did. I quit cold turkey, did my drug classes, fought the beast every single day to stay clean and poured all my attention and love into my kids. Shortly after becoming clean I was gifted with another baby. So staying clean was not a option it was a have to for my kids sake.My husband stayed clean also for a while.

    We moved to where we are now five years ago and slowly he became more withdrawn from me and the kids. Always being gone and never inside for long. I would wake up in the middle of the night and he would still be outside at 2 am digging in his worm bed. When questioned he would deny it, even to me and I knew the signs as I had been there before myself. This went on for while and then one day it got even more apparent that he was on METH again.For the fist time I was on the other side of this addiction. While I wanted to be supportive and be his loving understanding wife, there was this part of me that could not understand. I would find pipes and other drug stuff in his truck and cigarette packs, he would deny it being his of course. It began building this big wall between us the more it went on. I began to hate the fact that he was on METH again and felt as though he was throwing us away for it. I also could not see how after losing so much before how he could be using again.

    The stress kept building and building and I slowly started not understanding at all, not wanting to. I just hated him and METH and I was somewhere I hated being period. Rumors started around town about him with other girls and of course I could see the possibility as METH is the biggest sex drug ever created. In that year from the time I found the first pipe to the end of it I had drove everyone around me away and had made him not even want to talk to me. I was mad, hurt, and I was in a I hate it mode that i could not get out of. I would express my hate for all the METH HEADS and it was like this part of me forgot that I use to be there before. Then as time went on we had slipped away from each other and the only thing holding us together at all was the kids. We argued like two people who had never loved each other and I hated him like I had never hated anyone in my life. I hated the fact that I loved him cause had I not then I would not be hurting like I was.

    Eight months ago he ended up getting arrested and being sent to prison. Hurt, I don't think I have ever felt hurt like I do now. I still love him and can't wait until he gets out clean again. But that's where I have issues, this whole town is METH HEADS and I am afraid that we will have to move to be able to keep him clean and be happy together as a family. Moving though is something our kids don't want to do. Why do I have to up root them to keep their farther clean. It is not fair to them and at what point do I stop worrying about it and just let it be. I don't know which side is worse to be honest. The METH side you know you are hurting loved ones and you just can't stop doing it. The sober side your being hurt by the METH USERS and there is nothing you can do about it. So your left standing on a mountain by yourself not understanding from neighter direction and not knowing what to do.
    nikkinikkinana and Denise like this.
  2. ambernw

    ambernw Member

    This was a GREAT read, I could actually put myself in your shoes with the way you worded everything. Perfect description of your problem. I have a good understanding of how meth addiction is, on the sober side. I grew up in a household where my mother smoked weed and my father did meth and drank frequently. I have seen first hand what it can do to a family, regardless of what age I was when the majority of it was happening around me. I do hope and pray your husband gets out and continues to be clean for the sake of his family and his life. But on the other hand of if it is possible for him to stay clean when he is out, if you don't want to uproot the kids (I understand the frustration on that point), then his sobriety is completely up to him, then that turns around to do YOU trust him enough to do it on his own without changing his "playground" ("same playground, same play mates" saying). For myself and my own road to recovery, changing the area and the people I was around helped immensely on how I acted and how strong willed I was against the addiction. But that is my own personal experience. My best wishes to you and your family.
    nikkinikkinana likes this.
  3. spacecas

    spacecas Member

    Thank you I am having all kinds of questions and concerns pop into my head the more the days draw on and become closer to him getting out. You are completely right about the having to change your people and places. He says he want go anywhere without eighter me or the kids with him but I don't want that. I don't want him to feel like he needs to have one of us every where he goes. I also had to change my people and places and but it was really easy for me as most the people was not my friends they was just druggies and people we knew. This town is full of drug users though and it is sad sad. I talked to a friend today who is struggling with staying clean. He spent 5 years in prison got out and ended up back on it. Thank you very much for all your kind and supportive words.
    nikkinikkinana likes this.
  4. ambernw

    ambernw Member

    I understand the struggle of not wanting the same people around but also not wanting to babysit him. My mother tried to babysit my father when I was a kid growing up around it, but eventually the bottom fell out and she was fed up and that's when she had to just separate us from the situation for mine and my brother's own safety because my father was incapable on his own to keep his priorities straight. I'm not saying this is the case for you, all families are different even when their situations are similar. I do mean what I say when I tell you I really hope he changes for the sake of his family. It sounds like he has a wonderful support system and family wanting to help him so much that he can fall back on when things get tough. Some people don't have that, and that's when failure comes in. When you have all the love and support you could ask for, that's when you can finally realize what you'll be missing out on if you don't set yourself straight.
    Much luck to you and your family.
    nikkinikkinana likes this.
  5. Jen S.

    Jen S. Guest

    Has he considered going to a halfway or 3/4 house when he gets out, rather than straight home? That would give him more time to prepare, allow you and the kids to see him regularly, etc.
  6. Jen S.

    Jen S. Guest

    Sorry - not TIME to prepare (pretty sure he's had enough of that!). I mean recovery. Building new coping skills.
  7. Determined2014

    Determined2014 Senior Contributor

    If I were you, I would move out of that town for the sake of your husband and your children, if it is a meth town then you need not to live there.
  8. valiantx

    valiantx Community Champion

    Very interesting story you shared spacecas, meth is a very hard drug to stop, because my father-in-law suicided himself after years of excessive use of meth and various other drugs - I'm glad you were able to stop your own addiction.

    My advice for you is to attempt at all costs to deter from meth users in your town and get out as fast as you can. Your husband, if he cares for you and his children, will need to stop his meth addiction because if he doesn't, he will always be a slave to the meth. My brother's girlfriend, recently had to ask her friend [who I shall name Jane] that her meth addict husband {who I shall name Joe] had to quit or leave their place, and they instead chose to leave - Joe was a good guy overall, but his drug addiction had caused him and his wife problems in the past, which is why they had to move in with my brother and his girlfriend.

    If a individual wants to truly show they care about their significant other, family, or friends, he/she will do whatever it takes to stop their drug addiction, even if it means their death - my mother's father, from the help of his best friend, stopped his heroin addiction of more than a few decades by going to church, which he did his best to stop his addiction despite dying half a year after quitting because he wanted to show his wife, my mother, and his other siblings, he can stop because he cared for them more than heroin.

    Impossible is not absolute, because life itself is impossible. Hope you fare well, and take care spacecas.
  9. wulfman

    wulfman Senior Contributor

    Heed the advice of posters above. Pack up and leave. For your children's sake.
  10. kedw79

    kedw79 Member

    I have been to prison 3 times due to my meth addiction. It is very powerful. The only way I've been able to stay clean is to become willing to do what i got to do to stay clean. Once a person has been so wrapped up in that life they forget what it was like before the drug. The simple things. They forget what it is to feel so have a tendency to keep running from themselves and other things without being aware of it. Once they have been dependent on a drug to deal with things for them or to cope with life they have no coping skills and have a low tolerance for pain and life itself. Its all learning everything all over again.
    Peninha likes this.
  11. Peninha

    Peninha Community Champion

    I am glad to read your testimony ked because you have passed through a lot due to drugs and realized that we do need to learn it all over again. It's not easy, but it's the only way to go.
  12. Nergaahl

    Nergaahl Community Champion

    This was a great read!

    In my opinion, the Meth side is worse. As you watch yourself hurt the ones you love, torn their lives apart, yet you're not able to do anything about it, as you have to keep consuming your drug. It's pretty painful, you know...
  13. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Sometimes you read a story like this and it rips away at your heart and you wish you knew all the right answers but you don't. It's been quite a few months since the opening post and I can't help but wonder how this family is coming along. Truth be told I am especially concerned about the kids who are usually the greatest victims. They are the ones who hurt and suffer the most.

    Spacecas, said THE WHOLE TOWN was full of Meth Heads. I feel that says it all. Hopefully, the reason we have not seen her back here is because she has taken the advice of most of you and left for the sake of her children and herself. As for the husband I wish him well in his own recovery. At the end of the day he has to want it bad enough to keep himself clean. Ked's story reminds us that recovery might not be easy, but possible as was also true of Spacecas.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2015
  14. unrealjoe

    unrealjoe Member

    I question my sanity almost everyday because of the crazy thoughts and dreams I have because of methamphetamine. Plus on the regular I get this feeling that I'm not loved and all hope is lost. I plan on NEVER using this drug again, But what do you expect being born and raised in compton.
  15. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    You shouldn't feel like you're alone in this battle. Sure, your husband may have spiraled out of control but you don't have to be like him. It's a good idea to move out of your current environment. Go somewhere where you can start a clean slate and be a new you. Don't think your situation is already the end of the road. I know for a fact that you're a good person with a lot more to bring to the table.
  16. cpinatsi

    cpinatsi Senior Contributor

    Sorry about what you have been going through. That is actually a big dilemma, but my opinion is that you should definetely join the side that will keep you sober. In my mind that is the only way to improve things in your life.