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Living a lie

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Jenn44, Nov 29, 2018.

  1. Jenn44

    Jenn44 Member

    Hi all,iv never been part of any forum before but I had to reach out to someone. I was an addict for most of my adult life,heroin,methadone,pills then eventually crack. Myself & my then partner waded through life for 15yrs & had 2 son's through it all. When the crack entered our life it all changed. We went from getting by each day to nearly killing each other & ourselves & obviously the boys were in the middle of all this. It spiralled pretty quickly. Pretty desperately. Anyway I ended up going into in patient treatment & splitting up with my ex & done fantastic & felt great. It was the first time I had ever been in treatment & it was just what I needed. I got off the methadone & was clean for 2 & a half yrs. During that time I met a great guy & we'r engaged & have a baby together. Life was great. Then I had just that one bag of heroin a few months ago. I suffered with post natal depression & was so stressed out. Well jump ahead to today..I'm smoking a bag a day. What an idiot. What have I done!! No one knows. My partner knows of my history with drugs & is no fool. He knows there's something up. I keep telling myself I'l buy some methadone & do a quick detox coz I'm starting to need a bag obviously now first thing in the morning. If let everyone down. It's only a matter of time before it all comes out. I'm out of my mind with worry. So much so iv bought 2 bags today!! How have I got here again!!!??
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2018
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Jenn44 hello,I apologize I responded on you're other thread because I thought you deleted this.Anyways welcome and please read the responses in the other thread,looking forward to hearing back from you soon
    Dominica likes this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Jenn44... I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. But please don't be too hard on yourself. You are NOT an idiot. Addiction is a disease, not some kind of moral failing. You're not a bad person. You just need help.

    If I were you, I would reach out for professional help. Sure, buying some methadone (where do you even buy methadone?) and doing a quick detox might sound like a good idea. But I'm guessing getting professional treatment would be a safer way to go, and it would likely minimize the withdrawals, too. That said, how you get off of the heroin is your choice. The important thing is that you want to get off of it. I'm proud of you for that.

    As far as your fiance goes... If I were you--and again, this is just my opinion--I would be totally honest with him about what's going on. I know it's impossible to know how he'll react, but I'd be willing to bet that he'll be supportive. And that can really be helpful. It would also be much easier for you. Living a lie and trying to hide stuff just isn't healthy.

    I hope you can figure out the best way to move forward. And that you can find sobriety again soon. I'm sending you love, light, strength, encouragement, and hope. And I'm praying for you, too. Please feel free to reach out to us anytime you need support or someone to listen. That's why we're here.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Jenn44 totally agree with dean on this. be honest with your would all come out eventually anyway and chances are he already knows. part of "partnering" with another is to be honest and vulnerable.... and by doing this there's an opportunity for both of you get closer...not farther away.

    reach out for help...this is your life we're talking about, and your family. put the pride and/or fear aside. you's getting out of control. own it. just like that, own it. AND, step back into your power. you beat it before, and you can again, but if you run or just sweep things under the carpet, it'll fall to hell. (the what, i'm not sure, but things will...)

    we're here to listen, encourage, and love you no matter what.

    start doing your research and thinking about your next step toward recovery... inpatient, outpatient, counseling, support groups, etc. go for it!!!
    deanokat and True concern like this.