Living a triple life....

I’m new to this and I apologize in advance for grammatical errors and misspellings. I am a 32 year old man and for the past 6 years I’ve been using opiods and for the past 2 years abusing cocaine. I had my stuff together and then all of a sudden I stopped caring about paying my bills on time. It all happened as soon as I started using coke I liked the rush and it gave me that boost needed for battling fatigue. My wife didn’t know I was using and when she would ask why a certain bill was late, not paid or partially paid I would blame it on my job being slow. I was ruining us financially it took a toll on our relationship because we would fight over money issues. At the same time my mental stability was also deteriorating many people including my wife noticed I wasn’t the same person I used to be. Lost interest in my hobbies, became anti social I became a home body. It all went to crap August 2019 when I stupidly decided to quit my job because,”I can get hired anywhere else, I have a good amount of experience”. I told my wife I got laid off and that I had other things lined up. September 2019 is when I said enough is enough I was going to confess to everything because I was tired of lying and dissapointing my wife I just couldn’t do it anymore. Like a coward I packed up my bags and wrote my wife a letter telling her everything and that i couldn’t be there to see her reaction because it would kill me. She couldn’t believe it she refused to believe that her best friend had pawned some of her jewelry, stole 1300 from her emergency cash funds. She was devastated in the meanwhile I was contemplating on what to do, suicide, rehab I myself couldn’t believe what a monster I had become. What happened to that boy that was going to become a superhero when he grew up? What happened to the charming funny man I used to be? A day passed and I went home we sat and talked for hours she asked me if I wanted out I said no. I was going to do everything in my power to do right to fix what I had broken. She gave me till the end of the month to get my stuff together. In October I finally got another job and trying to catch up on past due bills. The wife and I are communicating more and she asked me how I was able to go cold turkey. I said I had withdrawals but manned up about it and shrugged it off. I promised her to be 100% honest always, things have gotten better our relationship is recovering but I’m lying to myself I feel a Great Depression and I can’t shake it off. I don’t want to worry my wife so I told her I have my depression under control I feel detached and empty inside. I hate myself for hurting my best friend, my soulmate. It’s 2020 and I feel so depressed but am so good at hiding it, I am ashamed to say that I still use but not like before I spend within my means if there’s no money well I don’t have a fix. I know I need help but we are living check to check and can’t afford to check in to a rehab facility. I’m sorry to anyone that’s reading this for writing so much, but I just wanted to share my story and how I am living a triple life. Hiding my mentality from my friends and family, pretending I am someone I’m not, and finally hiding the fact of my continued use to my wife. I think if I tell her the truth it might be the last straw and I don’t won’t to lose my family because they’re the glue that’s holding me from breaking into a million pieces. If any of you have advice please share, I’ll take all criticisms be honest tell me how much of a fool I am or give it to me straight while I do appreciate the “one day at a time” speeches and pep talks a little reality check would help. Thank y’all in advance.
- broken warrior

@True concern

@Luis88 I'm going to post my original post just so you can see your bot the only one to screw up my friend after I post this I will start my response to your thread. Stay Strong my friend and God Bless you

This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A.D.H.D.at that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the Dr.to try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you

Wow! You definitely had a guardian angel looking after you at the hospital. Thank you for sharing it’s amazing that strangers from all over can give each other positive feedback and support.

@Luis88 first off I want you to know how incredibly proud of you I am that you are reaching out as keeping all this inside is very unhealthy and dangerous as over time it will take your mental state of being and absolutely destroy the line between what's real and what's not.I commend your courage in taking steps to find a recovery path that will truly fit your life style and I pray you use this forum often as the people here truly care and will stand with you through the good and not so good Having people to talk to honestly is extremely valuable as we are only human and can't carry the weight of the world alone.I read that you have struggled with opioids for at least 6 year's and opioid are so hard to get off of and I'm guessing here but perhaps cocaine took full control because perhaps it made opiate detox or withdrawal a bit easier plus the extra focus and energy living 3 different life styles at once I can't even fathom the stress involved. Addiction has no prejudice it wants everything from everyone,rich,poor,kids,no kid's, addiction is only there to take it all and beyond that it wants nothing from you.I am sorry this is weighing on you so heavy right now however you are not giving in,you are Standing Tall and taking it on face to face whuch is in my opinion the way to do it.If I were you I would seek a professional therapist, one with experience in addiction. Living paycheck to paycheck is super tough,I live the same way so I can relate.You need to eliminate unneeded stress,I think a heart to heart with your wife is the way to go,she loves you and you her...if it were me I would let her know that you are still struggling a little bit however your being proactive, working on yourself trying to figure this out as fast as possible and her support will only give you that much more incentive ,that much more courage,that much more drive to defeat this affliction as fast as possible. I also recommend seeing a dr about your depression, there is no shame in putting in effort to better ones self but depression will consume us if all we do is constantly recall things we regret or feel shame for,let go of shame and guilt and take your life back one step at a time and turn this struggle around,change the narrative from depression and shame to strength and inspiration....Its in you my friend,I believe in you I pray you begin to truly believe in yourself once again.
Stay Strong and God Bless you

That incident slowly spotlighted my true passion, Helping other's struggling has become my calling,I feel it in my heart and soul.I just want to help people overcome and find their true potential.

I’ve actually thought of going to see a doctor but I don’t have any insurance and with my current condition can’t afford it. That’s why I chose to research sites like this to get peer support at least. After reading your story it made me think of a lot questions for you nothing too personal. Like did/is your conscious kicking your butt? If it did how did you cope with the self loathing? Do you forgive yourself first to move forward?
Is it wrong too let it weigh on me as a self punishment? I was very selfish I saw the pain in my wife’s eyes that’s something I can’t shake off. I consider it a consequence of my action a reminder of what’s at stake if I make the same mistake again.

If you were to go through my post here on the site you would find many where I openly express my regret and shame as my consciousness beats the sh1t out of me.I am just barely starting to get beyond self loathing, I don't know that I have forgiven myself but when I first met her I was either close to a lifetime in prison or a short time away from the box that goes 6' deep,I had to think "how do I do right by her without her even knowing?"For me I feel I must have a positive impact on people's lives,to honor the second chance at life I got ultimately because God brought us together and in doing so I'm still breathing (To honor her+God)sounds difficult, undoable at the same time but through this site,the stories,the lives,the pain was something I knew personally but suddenly my soul felt something, something I can't explain, trying to help other's, being there for human's I've never met became my passion, it's so strong and I am completely devoted to it in a way that makes people around me think I'm wasting my life however I have never felt more fulfilled in my life. "Is it wrong to carry it like a reminder,a consequence?"At some point you have to let it go,I know easier said than done...I still have issues in this are myself, my wife told me "I don't have to cuss you or yell at you,you will destroy yourself better than anyone else could"And she was correct, shame and guilt consumed every second of my life for over 5 year's, every night I dream someone is trying to hurt her after breaking in,every night I wake up in a panic looking for her....it takes me about6-7 second's now to realize it was a dream but it use to take 3-4 mins ,I use to clear my home every night like I was in a war zone,I would find everyone,shake them ,see their eyes open and on to the next family member....Pure Trauma my friend but God is with me now and this site gives me hope and if I can receive hope then I can deliver it.

I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to reply and I’m still learning and navigating this site. I don’t want to to bother you by replying and replying, it might not but I know how it is when you’re trying to do things at home and replying back. I’m just genuinely happy to have found this site and getting feedback and advice. Again thank you for sharing and listening and I will keep in touch.

You won't bother me, this is my passion

He's telling the truth. I can vouche for that.
I don't respond much more on Helene I've been here for nearly 3 years. 2 of which are documented very well, and in agonizing detail. If you go to the heroin forum you'll find most of what I was going through when I first got clean. I advise you to take action fast. I lost my sons mother over opiods and coke. I remember I quit my job to do random stuff to support my habbit.
Then I lost my house and son. I really did hit rock bottom.
We all have our own rock botttomim aware. Not saying mine is any worse.
However I MADE it worse because I hated myself so much. I was suicidal when I came here. Like- very close to the act suicidal- thinking my story couldn't get any worse.
Then I read that post @True concern first post, and realized oh, others have felt this pain. And let me tell you, I was literally over a bucket cramped up in PAIN! I was scared. Almost 3 years later, I've done coke once but didn't do opiods. Had the chance, but didn't do it. They are what's always killed me.
In fact the coke thing was so recently that I'm still building my savings back up. (Yeah, when I do coke I do coke-like eveyone).
I have my son back now though. Full custody even!
A better job than i had before. On speaking terms with His mom...that's saying A lot belive me...
My point is to try and encourage you that even tough all may seem lost its far from all lost. Every addict can recover. I know it doesn't feel that way, and its hard yeah! But so worth it.
You didn't get here overnight. And that occasional use will turn into heavy use again my friend. We both know it.

I consider myself still clean. I have a medical card and my seizures have let up so I don't think I've pot in like a week. For the sake of brutal honesty-when I said I did coke once I meant one bender, but I figured that was a given considering who does one hit right...if your a coke head anyway. We are. (If you have a problem with it no occasional use! Pot included!)
And last year I rolled only one pill, I spent three days depressed remembering why i quit ecstasy.
I am saying this so u know you can be totally honest here. Look at the members- not a brag, my point is how much this site has been my main support. I did NA and CA for about 6 months but never got a sponsor. I almost did but found out he had terminal cancer and we went for coffee and he popped like 3 pain pills. I was too weak for that. I have a script right now for 50mcg gent patches that I could fill. But THAT DRUG would take me over. That and alcohol. I cannot drink. One turns into when I'm broke or cut off or decide to spend money on the hard stuff. In fact I used to drink just so I would get the hard drugs(although to my mind its like the harder of the hard).
Anyway, complete honesty from me.
I know that guilt you feel. Just a few days ago I flushed that loaded syringe but i was rationalizing hanging onto it.
But I know where it would lead. Geeked up wanting to fill these patches. And I would. So I got rid of the coke. We here are pretty experienced with addiction and how it wrecks lives sadly. But we care. I wouldn't be alive today if certain people didn't care so much. For real.

Thanks dude for your honesty and I know I’m messing up. ( are we allowed to cuss on here?) Deep down inside me I know that the arrangement or rules I put on myself is stupid. Like ima buy within my budget. I’m a coward for not trying cold turkey, I think I use excuses like I can’t afford it or I don’t want my wife to find out. If I’m being real with myself I can probably go cold turkey and brave the first few horrible days. Then I think about how I’m gonna feel like ship at work and being so fatigued. I think I’m rambling now because to be totally honest I don’t know what to do. I really appreciate all the feedback on here tho, and I’m glad you guys don’t judge me for still using.
Change of subject but because my mind got flooded with thoughts and questions and I don’t want to forget them. Did you ruin your credit beyond repair? Do you have debts with personal loans and/ or old dealers who use to front? Did you ever ask the question what does a sober person do daily? I know people are creatures of habit but I’ve lived this way for years and I wouldn’t know how to perform daily tasks without my usual ritual.

You sir remind me of myself,by that I mean you want to hurt and expect to hurt and accept the hurt because you feel you deserve it,I know that feeling but no one ever got stronger by accepting their weaker and by weaker I mean less worthy,not deserving of,etc.Speak to her from your HEART NOT YOUR MIND AS YOUR MIND HAS DECEIVED YOU SEVERAL TIME'S .Just be sincere so you know what hurdles are truly in front of you.

Well I realize this is way off topic but I don't really have any friends outside of this community because well I spend most of my time here trying to be supportive in hopes I can help someone change for the better.For the last 4 day's I have only slept about 2 hour's each day,not because I'm refreshed,not because I'm on drugs but because I keep waking up with severe cluster headaches and I spend the rest of my time with oxygen strapped to my face trying to get relief,it's much more than just the headaches though,I have lost quite a bit of motor skills as in, when I walk I fall all over the place and can't keep myself upright and steady so I am forced to spend the majority of the past 4 days sitting down,not sure if all the sitting is the cause but my feet and ankles are swollen to the point I can't really wear my shoes without extreme discomfort,and the final symptom....I am having a hard time talking without stuttering, sometimes I get close to done talking and can't pronounce the final word so it comes out like a scratched CD just over and over and over but only 90% of the last word and I have to just say "you know what I mean"which at time's is hard to say as well.I usually take my mom to all her Dr appointments however today I did not because I didn't get to sleep until around 5 am or so but slept till about 9 am which is a lot of time for me to sleep at once,especially lately.My mom's Dr asked where I was so my mom told her what has been going on.Well my mom and dad both cane in and said her Dr thinks I am having a series of mini-strokes which eventually lead to a big one that either leaves you permanently disabled or dead.I guess I'm asking what you all think I should do?In my heart and mind I know I should go to the E.R.but I am having a hard time just doing it.I guess I kinda feel like it's the lifestyle catching up and I deserve it, but I also don't think it's my place to make such a decision because I have family I love and need to be here for,Also I'm no where near done trying to help other's struggling with addiction as best I can anyway.I feel selfish either way on this one,and I hate that I've let so many people down in life,if I could I would erase all the bad memories people may have of me and replace them with just the knowledge that I was young and stupid or drunk and high and I really am not that person they have convinced themselves I am,I wish I could let them all feel what's really in my heart,the sincerity,compassion, understanding, and forgiveness as time here on earth is short and often time's we hold onto resentment that steals time away from us that we could be using to help and care for one another. All these recent medical problems got me rambling but I'm potentially looking at life altering scenarios and in moment's like these I suppose a person see's where they could have done certain things different, better,more humane.I will end it here as I am overcome with emotion and honestly I'm scared I may be looking at the end of journey sooner than I'm ready for it to be over.I realize I have no medical proof yet all I have is what I am going through and I've never gone through any of this before,meaning the symptoms I have described. Thanks in advance for reading and replying.
Stay Strong and God Bless you All

Does it say anything about losing the ability to balance or does it say anything about causing stuttering?