@Lonely.... As someone who loves someone who battled addiction for seven years--my son, who is almost three years clean and sober--I know all too well about enabling. When we help our loved one continue with their addiction--like you giving your husband pills--we are enabling. As long as we enable, nothing will change with the addict. Trust me. I've been there and done that. By guilting you into giving him pills, your husband is manipulating you...something that addicts do so very, very well.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to take care of yourself and your kids. You have to determine what is the best--and safest--scenario for you. It mean being away from your husband. If that's the case, I suggest you look into doing that.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, and my entire childhood was destroyed by his drinking. He would drink and get verbally abusive, shouting at my mom and us kids and saying terrible things. Thank God he never hit us, but that doesn't mean that he didn't inflict permanent damage and scars. Your children do not deserve to be in an environment like the one they're in. Nobody...not you, not your children...should have to "walk on eggshells" in their own home. That's a horrible way to live. I know, because I did it for many years as a child, teen, and young adult. Believe me, it was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
When someone we love is addicted, WE need recovery, too. You need to exercise self-care, because YOU (and your kids) are the most important person in your life. You didn't cause your husband's addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Only HE can do that. And he's going to use or not use with or without you. That's just a fact of life.
I would suggest you consider going to an Al-Anon meeting, so you can be among others who are going through similar things with their loved ones. Knowing that you're not alone and being able to talk to others who understand what you're going through can be so helpful. I would also suggest that you consider talking to a counselor. Therapy helped me so much when I was going through my son's addiction.
You can't want your husband's recovery more than he does. The current situation is just making you sick. I know what it's like when you start losing your sanity over someone's addiction, and it's not good. You are addicted to your husband's addiction, and if he won't get help for his illness then you need to consider letting go with love to save yourself and your children.
Don't let your husband's addiction make you and your kids sick, too. You deserve so much better!
Keep coming back here for support. We are here for you. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
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