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Living with an addicted spouse

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Lonely, Jun 29, 2015.

  1. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lonely... If you don't have anywhere to go, do your best to take care of you and your kids this weekend. Maybe get away for a bit with them. Go shopping or out to lunch or to a movie. Take some time for YOU. Because YOU are worth it!
  2. Lonely

    Lonely Active Contributor

    Maybe I will. I can't tell you how good it is just to talk about it. I hide everything and bury it. I smile most of the time so people don't really know.
    Thank you for saying I'm worth it. I feel worthless right now.

    This just had to stop
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lonely... Thinking about you. I hope your managing this weekend. Remember how important YOU are. And your babies, too.

  4. Lonely

    Lonely Active Contributor

    I so wish I had been strong. Instead I gave in again with his promise of "just this weekend" I know it's not true I just want to not fight.

    I have got to get a counselor so I stop song this to myself and my boys.

    I sooo dislike myself right now. I'm so depressed and he's happy as all get out.
    Again thank you for caring.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener


    Do not dislike yourself. You are a wonderful human being who is just going through an unfortunate situation. You are doing your best to cope and keep things calm for yourself and your boys. That is natural behavior.

    I am happy to hear you say that you have to get a counselor, though. I think that would be an amazing thing for you and your children. Talking things over with a professional was liberating for me when I was going through my son's addiction. It also helped me to recognize strengths I didn't have, which allowed me to take steps I never thought I could.

    While you may wish you had been stronger over the weekend, you are not out of opportunities to gather and exhibit strength. So I would suggest doing everything you can to try and do that. Talking to a counselor would be a great first step.

    The old saying says that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This is where you're at right now. I know, because I was there for a long time, too. But if nothing changes, nothing changes. And that makes the addict comfortable, which is exactly what they want. And when they're comfortable in their situation, no matter how chaotic it makes life for others, they are unwilling to do anything to change things.

    I continue to think about you often, and have been praying for you. You are a wonderful human being who deserves to be happy. Please remember that. And also remember that your children deserve to be living the lives they deserve, too.

    I have all the faith in the world in you.
    L_B likes this.
  6. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I can relate so much to that statement. My partner tells me that exact same thing. I have heard those words more then a few times in the years we have been together. It is a difficult situation to be in and I know that desire of wanting to leave well. I live it every time he picks up a drink. It is draining emotionally and mentally. It drags you down. They won't change until they are ready to do it. No amount of crying, screaming or loving is going to do that. I have tried everything but nothing works. He doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks everybody else does but not him. I wish I could give you a hug. I live the life too and know what you are going through.
    Lonely and deanokat like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B... Thanks for sharing your experience. I know you and @Lonely are in tough situations. Please try to take care of yourself. You deserve everything good that life has to offer.
    Lonely and L_B like this.
  8. Lonely

    Lonely Active Contributor

    I cried reading your post. Thank you so much for being so positive. I need that right now. Sunday was horrible in terms of him. I let him guilt and guilt and guilt and guilt me until I once again gave in.
    Then I had the greatest time because my 2 older kids came over and hung out all day. We played games and laughed with my younger ones and my hubby. Then I made a huge meal. We all ate and I could tell he was getting uptight. After they left he yelled at me saying I didn't help him. He said he was stressed due to"all of the people here" He and I have been together for 13 years. We raised my older kids. I'm hurt and offended that he just sees them as "people". Not our kids. He on the other hand is still mad at me for not helping him. He said he couldn't sit down in his (while smacking his chest) house and rest. I am still dazed and confused. Part off me wonders If he was just mad because the pills were gone. The other part of me thinks we are just growing in complete different directions. I want my house filed with love and laughter with my kids and eventually grandkids. I want them to all feel at home here. One of my big kids still lives here when he's home from college. He hasn't even moved out.
    My husband even texted me at work yesterday saying they were slow and he was going home. Then he asked if I hid some extra pills for him.

    I need to just call and make an appointment with somebody and get help for me and my kids. I can't keep this stress all of the time.

    Thanks for being here. For listening. For having more faith in me than I have in me.
  9. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    What does he take pain pills for? What is that all about?
    He's got a vicious cycle going on there. Alcohol can make pain worse. I'm going to guess he doesn't eat very well.
    It is quite typical for someone in pain to be a$$hole. Sorry to say. The drugs may be keeping him there as well.
  10. Lonely

    Lonely Active Contributor

    He started taking the pain pills for a surgery that removed a very large lypoma from his back. The dr said it was the size of a man's fist and was resting on his chest wall. It was just beside his right shoulder blade. Dr kept him on pain pills for 4 years. 120 hydrocodone per month. He kept taking more and more then I had knee surgery and he took mine. So he was taking like 180 a month. He had always been a heavy drinker and couldn't have like 1 or 2. He had to buy and drink 12 or more.
    I about I was happier when he was on the pills because he didn't have the outbursts of anger.
    But we fought all of the times about the pills. He would search until he found them. He broke into many pill boxes and such until I bought a small gun safe. Them we would fight because he would beg and guilt.
    Then the dr cut him off and he started drinking again. He broke things, bruised me by pushing met or of the way or whatever and it was awful.
    Then I had major surgery and the pills started again.
    I just stopped the pills because I can't keep lying to get them. So I'm terrified it will all start again.

    I did call a counselors office yesterday. They are due to call me back and set me up with an appointment.

    It's time. I can't raise my kids like this.
  11. LilAnn

    LilAnn Community Champion

    These things ALWAYS get easier with time. It'll all work out one way or another as long as you improve your potentially dangerous situation
    Lonely likes this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lonely... I am SOOOOOOO incredibly proud of you for calling a counselor yesterday!! You are a rock star!! I think this will be a great thing for you. I love that you are thinking about YOU, and about your kids. No child deserves to grow up experiencing the things your kids are experiencing. So good on you for taking some action.

    I wish your husband would go to counseling, too. I think he really needs some help. But first, let's concentrate on YOU. Because, as I've told you before, YOU--along with your children--are the most important person in your life.

    I continue to pray for you and your family. We are here for you whenever you need us.

    Lonely likes this.
  13. Lonely

    Lonely Active Contributor

    I cannot tell you how much this has helped me. I have been holding this all in and just telling a couple of people bits and pieces. I had to start by opening up a bit. Taking that step yesterday was a huge step for me. It also took me taking to my boss to see if I could cut out early from work a day a week or whatever.

    Thank you for gushing, I am proud I made that call even though I sobbed through it. I can't wait to hear back from them and get in.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2015
    LilAnn likes this.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lonely... There's nothing wrong with crying. I believe that crying is cleansing. When my son was at the height of his addiction, I used to book conference rooms at work on a regular I could be by myself and cry in private for 15 or 30 minutes. I couldn't do that sitting in my cubicle.

    You have started taking steps to a better life. And you deserve all the gushing people give you!

    Keep doing the next right thing, my friend! :)
    Lonely likes this.
  15. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    I've had this -- my partner thinking he was doing just fine, because he had a blind spot about his habits. Got violent. It should not be something your kids would have to deal with -- my bf got his **** under control, but I knew back then that, if I could deal with it (up to a certain point, and when he crossed it he had to change or I left for real this time) -- if I could deal with it, I knew I would not want to have kids with him if he acted this way. Not necessarily because I was scared he would do something to them (I'm with him because he has a good heart), but because I thought the atmosphere would always be weird, and I did not want this kind of role model for my kids. Now that he quit drinking and gained back this level of self-consciousness, I would not have these worries.

    You really ought to bring him back to a more lucid point -- if he only drinks on the weekend, then maybe during the week, try to ease into a serious discussion and tell him your worries and your fears. He's your partner, not your enemy and not your fix-up project. He should still be able to connect with you and, even if he does not believe he has a problem, respect you enough to make compromises (after all, if he does not have a problem, why would he not be able to make a change - or more?)
  16. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    edit: oh and I just refreshed the page and saw about the counseling. Well, good on you girl! :)
    deanokat and Lonely like this.
  17. Lonely

    Lonely Active Contributor

    I have spent years trying to talk to him when he's sober. He turns it around and says he's a loser or say at least he's drinks at home or he's not that bad. I've heard them all. Fact is he has no problem so why am I a bitch. Sorry for swearing but this hasn't just been a couple months or even years. This has been for almost 13 years.
    He has yet to ever admit any fault in anything. He just turns defensive. I love him but I can't keep up this charade. He hasn't been my partner for a long time. I had surgery and he took all of my pain pills. While I was recovering from having my armpit removed and a skin graft taken from my hip and out in its place. He's gave me 2 put of 60 pain pills. That is a problem.
    Sorry I'm dumping this has been so pent up is pathetic. I'm exhausted. I could curl up and sleep constantly.

    I appreciate the fact that I have this page. I can't tell you how much it has helped.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. Lonely

    Lonely Active Contributor

    Lord help me tonight. He's being me and guilting me because he's hurting. I'm starting strong so far but I'm so sad because of the tactics he is using. "You could help me, you just won't." "You don't love me" "I'm such a terrible person" "I would get then for you if you were hurting"
    On and on. Deep breath I'm sad but holding up so far.
  19. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    Wow. Well, that sounds more like the situation of my mom or my grandma! (I guess we have a history in my family!) Though they both ended up splitting up -- if your partner does not communicate or respect you (or even himself) and stealing from you, I can only admire your courage and your resilience for toughing it out this much and for now making big steps toward change.
    Lonely likes this.
  20. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lonely... I'm so sorry this is happening. I was struck by the fact that your husband told you, "I would get them for you if you were hurting." What about when you were hurting and he took all your pills??? Or when you are hurting, but you can't get relief because he took all your pills??? His thinking and logic are obviously skewed by his addiction.

    I hope you can get in to see the counselor soon. I continue to pray for you and your family. Remember to stand up for YOU.

    Lonely likes this.