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Looking for some advice

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Jai50, Aug 10, 2018.

  1. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    I don't have anywhere else to go with this question.
    I found out my 13 yr old niece is having sex with a 16 yr old boy. My 11 yr daughter told me and made me promise not to tell anyone. I know teens like to experiment but she was watching porn to learn how to have sex. Most porn is pretty demeaning to women my opinion. I spent this week feeling my brother and sister in-law out they are strict parents. I know they probably won't handle this news good. I know it would kill my brother. The way my niece is behaving is leading her down a very bad road and I want to help her see some things that she's been doing isn't appropriate for someone her age.
    I also don't want to break the bond I have with my daughter by talking to her parents.
    I hope that when my kids become sexually active they would be able to talk to me about it. If they need to. Any input you I would appreciate. Y'all have been very helpful to me these past few months.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Oh, man. I'm sorry to hear this, @Jai50. It sure seems like kids are doin adult things much earlier on these days. I think that's sad.

    I wish I had a good answer for you. If you don't want to break the bond you have with your daughter by talking to your niece's parents, then you may be stuck. I don't know how you would let your brother and his wife know about this without betraying your daughter. And if you talked to your niece directly, you'd break your daughter's bond, too.

    Maybe just try doing some bonding with your niece and having some conversations with her about getting older. Then maybe you can get to the "birds and the bees" conversation in a roundabout way and share some wisdom with her. That's the best suggestion I have at this point.

    I hope you can figure something out that helps alleviate at least some of your worry. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. Part of me thinks I might tell the parents despite my child not wanting me to. But I just don't know. One thing I do know, though: Internet porn is really taking its toll on our society. I think that's very, very sad.

    Sending you a big hug today.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Ok so wow this sucks......ok so don't break the bond with your daughter but if she knows other's know.The parent's need to be informed,it's a must in my opinion.This may sound bad but I would write a letter or type it out address it to the parent's and drop it in the mail box!!Obviously don't put your name on the letter or return address and send it via mail man.This is the only way I can think of to achieve both,informing and not breaking your daughter's trust.Yes it's kind of a crude way to do it but it must be done in one form or another. Stay Strong and God Bless
    Lostboy8731 and deanokat like this.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Jai50 Hey there. That is a tough spot to be in. I'm not quite sure what I would do if I were in that situation. I would like to be able to talk to my niece about it regardless if my daughter got upset or not. But I do not know exactly what I would do unless I was in that situation. You've gotten some good advice, but maybe sit with it and pray about it and see what you feel led to do.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I agree with you internet porn is messing thing's up,I won't lie I was addicted to it for longer than I care to admit and didn't even realize it was an issue and now I refuse to watch any of it Period.It's a stain on society and it fuel's terrible behavior.It's always been bad in my opinion but the internet fuel's this sh×t.It's absolutely impossible to tell anymore to tell if the women are even of legal age anymore because the internet makes it easily accessed,and I doubt they are checking ID's.For the longest time I never even thought about that scenario and then I got sober and started thinking about the possibility of this scenario and it truly fuc×ing disturbed me.I can't watch it,I can't stand it...the thought of maybe accidentally seeing a minor doing those thing's under the lie of being an adult has eliminated my interest in it Period.Porn is terrible it destroys marriage's,families,lives in general, yes in the past I watched a lot of it and I am ashamed of that now.This is part of the reason I have issue's with my uncle because Meth fuel's porn,anyone ever addicted to Meth would probably agree but my uncle gets high and spends all his time looking at women on the internet,always chasing prostitutes.I Can't Stand It...... People tell me im lieing but this is the truth I have never been with a prostitute and here is why,I have thought about it before and then I realized I am not capable of being with a prostitute because I know deep in my heart and soul they don't want to do that and often time's do it to survive or feed their kids,this common sense hurts my heart so I would just hand them the money and walk out.There is nothing sexually stimulating to me about having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex as well, I would rather "Take care of myself "I simply could not do it.I don't know lots of people tell me every Man has been with a prostitute at some point in their lives,not me my conscious would beat me to death as I would always no the prostitute didn't want to but did it anyways for money.I just couldn't, I guess that's why I watched so much porn..but no more.The thought of either upsets me,I have a hard enough time living with the knowledge that I watched a lot of porn at one time, I couldn't live with the other.Sh×t I really feel like running right now I'm upset hearing about this child having sex,then porn as well...Damnit
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  6. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    Thanks y'all for all ur advice on this. I think I'm going to take this time and advice this weekend to figure something out without hurting anyone's feelings. Also help her to be more mindful and maybe open up to me or her parents. I'll let u know. Wow this is a tough one.
    deanokat, True concern and Dominica like this.