An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the DrugAbuse.com Forums?Join or

Lost

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Umm, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. Umm

    Umm Member

    Hello. Im new here. Idk why im really looking to find in here. Closure maybe? I was looking for information on how the mind works when under drug abuse. The better i understand perhaps, the better i can help my bf. I came across this site. And i guess it came to me at a time that i need it most. Ive read a few forums and theres so much support and no judgement. Which is important to me. Ive never been able to talk to anyone about this or anything. Because sadly what people think effects me. It takes alot for me to be open to people. So this time, im putting myself out there. Face first. Fck it. This is me. This is my life. And if people here are couragous enough to share their life and struggles, well thank you. Cos youve just encouraged me to try to do the same. Sigh, idk where to start. Im nervous, have alot to say and dont know how to put everything into words...ok, ive been with my bf 3yrs now. Hed kill me if he knew i was here! Anyway. Thru the 3 yrs weve been together hes been incarcerated on and off. Through out this time ive gotten to know or thought i have? Ive fallen inlove with him. Deeply. His financial status never fazed me. His past it was that, the past. Weve promised each other a life together. To work hard build a future together. Weve been thru a lot together. And we were expecting to go thru more once my family found out we were together. But our love is strong. And i have chosen to continue my life by his side consciously knowing my family would turn their back on me and that id loose my friends and job. Love. Him. Thats all i see. As we got deeper in our relationship his temper and mood began to change. And for a bit there I thought he was being unfaithful because he would disappear on me then pop up again. Was he meeting up with someone down the street? A neighbor? On the other hand HIS jealousy grew to possessiveness and control. His anger to rage. His apologies to depression. A roller coaster of emotions fights and back to normal again. Drinking and hanging out wasnt fun anymore. Drinking became binging and days of partying. And he began to think and care less about me. He exposed me to things, people, and places ive felt my safety in danger. He would take over my car and at one point took it thru a road somewhere out in the middle of idk where spead as fast as he could turned off my headlights, closed his eyes and said if we left wed leave together. I kept screaming and crying for him to stop but had a scary calm smirk and kept going. Fortunately the most damage done was on my car and not on us. After that hed get off the car start walking if i refused to take him to bootleggers for beer. Then taken the car and left me strannded un unkown places while he goes. Stupid of me to stay. I know. I guess i dont think much of myself. Thats the only explanation. Then id try and break up but it wasnt easy. At some times i was afraid. Hed go look for me. Look for me at work. And threats. Threats to hurt himself. After things hed pull off, i knew what he was capable of. Wed talk. And i was back. Well he got incarcerated for 18 months after that. While he was inside he rebuild my confidence in him again. And i did everything he asked. I had a curfew and all lol. After his release he quickly began his old ways. He then confessed to me he had fallen back into crack cocaine. Crack? Cocaine? When were you on it in the first place that youve fallen "back" again? Of course it all made sense toall now. The mood swings. The disapearing and appearing. The highs and low depressions. The bootleggers. They werent bootleggers, they where trap houses. The abondoning, was the drug calling him to go. Now. I looked up symptoms behaviors everything i could and it all made sense. I admired and respected him for trusting me with something i know he was so ashamed of. So i tried to help him. But i soon came to realize that his addiction was stronger than him and i put together. And now, well this monster has completely taken over him. Ive lost him. Hes not there when i look into his eyes. Its crack cocaine. I dont taste his lips when i kiss him anymore. I taste crack cocaine. I sleep alone because hes up with crack cocaine. My heart is breaking because i cant get him back. I miss the man i fell inlove with. It pains me to see him begging for money. Desperate for his next hit. In and out of the house asking family for money. A dollar, anything. Fck!!! Fck you crack cocaine! Fck you! Fck you for taking him. He cant get himself back! I used to think it was me. He stopped loving me? I wasnt woman enough for him? I wasnt THE woman for him? He kept choosing his friends and leaves me alone in anyones house as soon as he can. His moms, sisters, anyones so he can go. So, i had enough one night and took his moms pills in the palm of my hand and popped them in my mouth. I felt helpless. For him i couldnt do anything. For myself, what was i? Worthless. He made me feel that. I couldnt do anything to make him want to stay by me. I shouldnt have to i know now. But then' i was broken as a valuable human being. I opened up my eyes groggy a few times to his empty room. He was out with crack while i was there. I was down about a month after. With flu i guess and fevers. I guess i was weak from that night or something. I just couldnt stay up for more than an hour or so at a time. Anyway. When i went back to see him. It broke my heart to see him so diminshed. Skin and bones. I died a little that day. It just brought back alot of memories of someone i lost years ago for completely different reasons. My dad. I saw him diminish slowly from a strong healthy man unto his death and it haunts me and broke me to never be the same girl again. Well. Since that day i saw my bf till now. Ive surley lost my job, my friends, and my family has turned theire back on me. Just as i knew it would happen. However, ive also lost my bf too. When we foresaw this happening his promises of keeping strong, by my side, and always pull me thru, he now wasnt there anymore. Hes gotten so bad. Hes abusive verbally. Visously abusive. Absent. And self consumed. I know its the drug. But he wont get help. He threw me out of his house when i wouldnt take him to get crack cocaine. And i havent gone back. Its only been 3 days. I love him. But im not responding to his calls or txts. He wants me to go be with him. He wants me to stay at a trap house with him. What??? Im so worried about him. A trap house is just ticking time bomb for disaster. What is the right thing to do? I cant help him get off drugs. Im not a licensed professional. Im not even in a good place to help myself. I think im just his punching bag of emotional abuse. How could i be of any help to him? He refuses help. I dont have means to help him even if he agreed to get help. And the worst part is that his family enables him. One of his couisins gives him money and taunts him. Hes the money source to get more coke. Anything to have someone to hang out with he could care less how much he sees my bf in the whole. My bf knows. But the consumption of any self worth that crack cocaine takes from human beings makes almost any means to get crack cocaine bareable. Nothing humiliates them more than their own shame of not being able to stop. But im not blind to his surroundings. And im not ashamed of him. Hes valuable to me. Im not a big girl but my hate for this drug has given me strength to get some good hits on some of those looser men humiliating him, enabling him ;). Ive wresteled with my bf as well. Gotten the pipe out of his mouth and flushed the crack cocaine another time. But i know that at the end of the day, no matter what i do he has to be the one to want to stop. Im lost. I dont want to be without him. I cant leave him. He needs help. But theres so much i can take. Life keeps going while hes lost in a haze and the weight of the world is falling on me. Im feeling the pain of it all raw, no haze to buffer. Idk what to do. Im so scared to get a call that hes overdosed. Im so scared that he'll get into trouble something. There has to be something i can do? Right? Well idk if anything ive written makes sense. But i thank anyone who reads this and listens to me. And i thank this website for letting me find a place where i can vent. God bless anyone that is struggling with drug addictions. And God bless all of their families and those that love them. Xoxo...Umm
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Umm... Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing with us. I know it took a lot of courage for you to share as openly and honestly as you did, and I commend you for that.

    I always tell people that loving someone who struggles with addiction is probably the most difficult thing anybody can do. Addiction doesn't just affect the person using the drugs; it affects everyone who loves and cares about that person. And it takes loved ones on an emotional rollercoaster like no other. It's obvious that you've been on that rollercoaster for quite some time now. And it sounds like it's been eating you up.

    If you truly love this man and want to try to stay with him, the best advice I can give you is to educate yourself. There are quite a few books out there that could help you. I wrote a blog a while back and talked about some of my favorites. Here's the link:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    You should also know that you need to take extra good care of yourself while you're dealing with your boyfriend's issues. If you don't, you'll end up becoming addicted to his addiction and both of you will suffer greatly. It's like the pre-flight warning you get on an airplane: If there's an emergency, you have to put your OWN oxygen mask on first. Otherwise you won't be able to help others and everyone will suffer. So remember: Put your own emotional and physical health at the very top of your priority list.

    Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Only our loved one can do that. It doesn't matter how much you want your boyfriend to change; if he doesn't want it, it's not gonna happen. That's just the unfortunate truth about addiction.

    If your boyfriend won't seek the help he obviously needs, you may need to reassess your situation and think about making some tough decisions. As much as you may love him, do you really want to live the rest of your life how you're living it now? Because that's a possibility. Him getting clean is also a possibility, but, as I said before, he has to want it. You can't want it more than him.

    If at any point you feel unsafe due to your boyfriend's addictive behavior, you should definitely move on. You are a beautiful soul who deserves to be happy, healthy, and safe. You should never let another person put you at risk or take away your joy. That's not what life is about.

    In addition to doing some reading, you may want to consider seeing a counselor or seeking out a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting. No pressure, but sometimes being face-to-face with others who know exactly what you're feeling can be incredibly helpful and comforting. At the very least, though, please make sure you read the Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change and Codependent No More books I talk about in my blog. Those two will, I think, benefit you the most.

    You are not alone, my dear. We are here to help and support you however we can. If you need to come back and ask questions, we're here. If you want to ask for advice, we're here. Or if you just need to vent, we're here. We will listen without judgment. You are safe here.

    I am sending you lots of positive vibes and big hugs full of hope. And I will keep your boyfriend--and you--in my thoughts and prayers. Deep down inside, I know your boyfriend doesn't want to be addicted to drugs. Nobody wants that. It might just be that he finds comfort in how they make him feel, and he may be too afraid to abandon that comfort and try to live life on life's terms.

    Love and light to you.
  3. Umm

    Umm Member

    Deanokat,
    Thank you for your knowledge and kind words. I do need to be educated. I hunger for it. The more i know, the better i can help my boyfriend. I see you are a community organizer here. Im not sure what that means. But i assume its kind of your responsability to respond to newbies. I appreciate your work. Because im sure you read hundreds if not more messages of people like me in need for direction, advice, comfort, an ear, something and everything to help us find an answer to our questions. I have no doubt that you have a personal life. And like all of us may be tired, had a long day, etc., but yet something drives you to be here so passionately to help others without being robotic in your responses, but truly genuine instead. And for that im greatful. However, in response to your advice, sadly i think ive already lost myself in my bf's addiction. Ive lost myself to his verbal abuse as well. Im not in a good place right now. So i dont really know how to help myself anymore. I know how to be there for my loved ones more though. I dont know how to explain it. Counseling, it sounds like something i need. I agree. The books, ive looked them up already. And they sound very very helpful. They drew me in when i read a little on them to be honest. But right right now. Well i feel defeated. See, i was on here a few days back. And i saw some of your posts. I saw someones advice to run fast from an addict loved one and that an addict would never change and is a liar. That post coming from an addict himself, made me think that had to be the thing i had to do. But something held me bck. Cos I love my bf. And I never turn my back on my loved ones. Then, before logging off, there was your response to that same post. And, well i followed your advice instead lol. Granted these posts were on someone elses issue lol. But, well we had similar issues and questions. So it was fitting me. Needless to say i went back to my bf. It was what i felt in my heart was the right thing for me. For us. It felt right. It was the most magical thing in the darkest time in my life. Since my initial post, i lost my home, i have no money, and nowhere to go. But my "addict bf" (Take note of that) was there. For...me. Thats god in peoples souls, addict or not if i do say so myself. He gave me shelter. And helped me move everything out of my house. I lost everything for him. My house, my family, my friends. I literally have nothing and noone. But he was there. Well it was all good but here i am again deanokat. And im just not sure how much of it is his addiction and how much of it is douchebagishness. Cos just as he was my hero for being the only one there when i needed it the most. He took off to do his thing again. And now im in a hotel room on my last $40. Means tomorrow ill be living out of my car. Put myself first? I dont know how. In this moment, im broken emotionally, mentally, financially. And i honestly dont care about myself anymore. He broke me. Im scared to live in my car. Ive already had some scary enounters outside the room. The only option i have is to go to his moms house. Where he'll be, to fuel his ego from breaking me down. And worry me sick when he goes missing. I feel already at risk, unsafe. Already an addict to his addiction. I dont even know what to say anymore. Just, thank you for listening to me and for your kind words of wisdom as well as the time you set aside to answer lil ole me...
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Umm... I'm sorry that you're in the situation you're in. And I'm sorry your boyfriend has made you feel so awful. Nobody deserves to feel the way you are feeling now.

    I know you are at a super low point right now, but you have to do everything you can to love yourself and take good care of yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others treat you. So no matter how difficult it might be, you have to do your best to pull yourself up by your boot straps and start taking steps toward taking care of YOU.

    I know you say you're down to your last $40. And that you have nowhere to go except your boyfriend's mom's house. But believe me, going there would be a huge mistake. You need to give yourself a break from the negativity you're feeling and from the abuse you've been subjected to. And living in your car is not a safe option, either. What about trying to find a women's shelter to stay at temporarily? Do you have any friends or relatives you can stay with, even if they're not local? If you contact your local department of social services, I'm sure they could help you find a place to stay. And maybe help you find work, too.

    You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and a big heart. I can tell that from your posts. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life. If that means walking away from your boyfriend, then that's what you need to do. As I said in my earlier post, you should never let another person put you at risk or take away your joy. Especially a significant other. That is in no way, shape, or form what love is about.

    If you Google "women's shelters" and include the name of the city you're in, you should be able to find some options. Granted, maybe living in a shelter isn't something you really want to do. But it's way better than living in your car or living in a house where your boyfriend will continue to break you. Don't you think? You may also want to call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1.800.787.7233. They can likely help you, too. (The hotline is not just for women experiencing physical abuse; it's for women who are experiencing emotional abuse, too.)

    Your life matters, @Umm. Period. No matter how uncomfortable it might make you feel to seek help for yourself, please, please, please do it. Don't let your boyfriend "win." Show yourself (and him) that you are indeed a special person who deserves so much more than you've gotten from him. Show yourself that you are strong. Show yourself that you can do this.

    I am sending you all the positive energy I have in my being today. I am sending you confidence, encouragement, and love. And I am sending you the power to start loving yourself, and to realize that YOU are the most beautiful and important person in your life. I will say a prayer for you, too.

    Don't give up, my friend. And don't give in. Fight for yourself. You deserve it.

    [​IMG]
  5. Letti bill

    Letti bill Member

    @Umm... I am in pretty much same situation u are in. Except his parents dont know anything and after reading ur post I feel like I have been his biggest enabler I can't understand why I would I hate it but I hate seeing him desperate and alone
  6. Letti bill

    Letti bill Member

    Umm.. I keep telling myself if I had loved him more I could have helped him. Its crazy I thought I was showing my love by keeping his secret and helping cover up so none finds out... Now he is so lost and I don't know what to do...
  7. Letti bill

    Letti bill Member

    I just read ur second post... The first one sounded so much like me. The second one pretty much answered my fears... How at u doing today?