He is the luckiest man alive.
YOU ARE A SAINT
I am a meth addict and have been for over ten years. i have been ready to quit for years, but until recently have been unable to take that leap by myself. Doing so means asking for help, and in my case, asking means I'm going to experience some very negative consequences including losing my kids. In my state, there is a no tolerance policy, and dhs immediately removes the children. Then it is a guilty until proven innocent situation. I have wonderful parents, who would be shocked to find out I'm a junkie. They would report me immediately, or i would go to them for help. I wouldn't wish foster care on any child, especially when i have seen the damage it does to kids to be forcibly removed from a functioning home and parents that love them and take very good care of them. If my children were taken, I'm afraid of what it would do to me psychologically, and what that would do to my addiction. I'm a light user, but an addict no less. i use 20$ a day, but I'm a slave to it. Because I'm a high functioning addict, life seems perfectly normal to a third party observer. But in reality, I'm killing myself, albeit slowly, and it WILL catch up to me.
I should note here that I'm also an educated woman, who holds a BA in the field of substance abuse studies. I know meth addiction, from both sides of the fence, inside and out. It is a dangerous, destructive drug that people rarely put down without help, and even with help, meth addicts have a 99% recidivism rate. However, people can change. You have seen your husband's use almost disappear, and although the sickness lingers forever, I'd call him a success story.
I use because #1 I'm lonely and #2 I'm alone. As a single mom, I've got way more than i can handle if i want my children to have the right upbringing. I have a certain set of expectations that I'm unwilling to take less than. So i exist on only a few hours of sleep every night. About every two weeks i sleep an entire day or two, however much scheduling will allow (sleepovers, scout camping, grandparents etc). I cannot, CANNOT, get everything done that i need to if i sleep one third of every day away. I now understand why the family unit works best with two parents. No matter how much i cherish my kids, I'm hopelessly lonely. The fact that I'm an addict has prevented me from ever having a real relationship. How could i ever tell someone that I'm an IV meth user, and expect them to stay?
Then i met the man of my dreams. For the first time, i saw a light at the end of my tunnel. I had HOPE, i saw a chance for a HAPPY ENDING, a FUTURE; where those things didn't exist before. I was tortured by the fact i was living a lie. He knew something was amiss because he loves me and could see it in my eyes. So in an attempt to hold onto my dreams, I TOLD HIM THE TRUTH. He was not happy, but he truly loved me and promised to help. However, the stigmas associated with addiction would haunt the next few years of my life.
We set a quit date. I hated the way he looked at me when i was high, a look of disdain, disappointment, hurt, and disgust. I couldn't make it to the quit date, i put down my needles a month before schedule. It was a tough month. I did not do anything besides sleeping, eating, and going to the bathroom. I willing gave up my car keys, my money, and my phone. I changed my phone number. I dropped people that had been in my life for 15 plus years. For the next year, i never thought of drugs. Not once did i want to use. I was happy.
Then, an old friend came by, and the same old story you've heard before became my own. He learned i had had contact with a using buddy, and became suspicious of every move i made. I became increasingly resentful of his suspicions. And in keeping with a normal addict, i used the lack of trust to justify getting high again. He knew, of course, and my denial (i was ashamed and embarrassed) only furthered his distrust. He left. I felt abandoned. After all, i had gone an entire year!
I begged him back, but the seed was planted. Trust is hard to regain, and I'm an addict with an instant gratification mindset. I felt my progress had been minimized, that I'd always be a junkie I'm his eyes, deserving of a sideways look at the first perceived hint of trouble. Three years later (after leaving several times after i slipped, and a few when he thought i did but hadn't), the ease in which he has been able to abandon our family has left me feeling insecure. He used to be my rock, on which i anchored my sobriety.
At current, he is living at his own home again, and we are dating, but don't see each other often. He feels lied to, i feel I'll never be anything but a junkie to him. He wants me to be honest about my recovery. I'm afraid if i slip, or even share feelings of cravings or urges, or of difficulty in my sobriety, i will start to see that unsure look in his eyes again.
I gave up the only defense mechanism, security blanket, and coping
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