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Loving an addict!

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Blanca Ybarra, Oct 31, 2018.

  1. Blanca Ybarra

    Blanca Ybarra Member

    "It was a great night! Can I call you tomorrow?", he said.

    I still remember the day I met the love of my life. How could I forget? It was 10, no almost, 11 years ago when some friends and I had decided to go out and have some drinks.

    I'm from a small town near the border with Mexico. We had decided to go down south and have a good time. But right at the last moment, we were on our way to our destination when my friends cousin changed her mind and direction.

    That decision changed my life forever.

    That night I met the love of my life. I went out to have a good time with my friends not to hook up with anybody.

    "Hey!" Ana whispered. "That guy has not taken his eyes off of you since we got here." She giggled. I told her that I didn't care, I was there to have a great time with friends.

    All of a sudden he was tapping my shoulder inviting me to dance. I told him I didn't know how to dance and advice him to ask my friend. He said, "but I want to dance with you." I looked up at him and he had the most gorgeous eyes with long eyelashes and pouty lips like Johnny Depp. He was so handsome I fell in love right that instant. The rest is history.

    We've been together almost 11 years and somewhere along the way he lost his path. He started to change. I didn't know it was an addiction that was taking him away from me.

    I didn't find out until 5 years ago about his addiction. I noticed little changes at first nothing big, but noticeable. It wasn't until last year that the big changes came forward. He would spend less time at home with his family and started spending more time with friends that I didn't even know. Obviously that let to fights and separations, but he ended up coming back and I ended up accepting him because I loved him. Then he cheated on me and then he started lying and stealing doing shady things. He stopped working and stopped being a husband and a father. He just changed.

    Today we are still together. I know he loves me and I know for sure I do too, I just don't know how to help him if he doesn't want to be helped. He was a loving partner, father, son and now there is no sign of that person who I fell in love with.

    I know there is a lot of people out there with the same problem I'm not the only one. Please I need a guiding hand as to how to handle this because it's getting to the point where I'm losing my mind. I just don't know what to do. Please help.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    These type of stories rip me up because though I'm not I am that man your husband is, 18 year's of marriage to a true angel on earth but my addiction forced her hand 15 year's in and out the door I went.For the next 2 year's I chased an OD death like some psychopath but God would not let me die,I didn't understand why,I was nothing,less than nothing, lost my wife,kids,home,and myself.Today I am finally sober,yet I do not have the love of my life.I am sorry but the truth is we as addicts don't get sober until and unless we decide to,nothing and no one can make us,we can seek help,counseling, advice and that all helps but only if we the addict truly want it to,it cannot be forced.I pray for you and your family and I hope your husband finds his way,but for now work on you,seek help for your emotional well being.I wish I had a better response but I simply do not.Stay Strong and God Bless
    Dominica, Blanca Ybarra and deanokat like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Blanca Ybarra... Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting. I'm sad to hear that your partner is struggling with an addiction, but I'm happy that you found us and reached out. There's no doubt that loving someone with an addiction is incredibly challenging and draining, both physically and emotionally.

    I'm curious... What is your partner's drug of choice? Not that it matters all that much, but it would be nice to know for conversational purposes. Also, has he ever expressed a desire to change his ways? To get help and find sobriety?

    Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, which are both groups for loved ones of people struggling with addiction, teach us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Those are among the truest words ever spoken. The only person who can "fix" an addict is the addict themselves; it doesn't matter how much we want them to change; they have to be the one to take the steps to find recovery.

    The best suggestion I can make is for you to concentrate on yourself. You can practice self-care, go to support meetings, seek counseling, and other things to help you deal with the situation you're in. Believe me, taking care of YOU is super important. And YOU are the only person you have complete control over. So it's best to focus on the person you CAN help.

    There are some terrific books out there that could help you, too. Here's a link to some of my favorites:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    I think the Beyond Addiction book would be especially helpful, because it's written specifically for partners and parents of people with addiction issues. Reading it will shed some light on your partner's addiction and give you some strategies for how to deal with it.

    You are not alone, my dear. We are here to help, support, and listen. So feel free to come here and post anytime you feel the need. In the meantime, I'm sending love, light, and hope your way. And I will say some prayers for your partner, too.
  4. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    To the addict who stole my daughter’s heart, I hate you. I didn’t like you the first time I met you. You were shifty. You didn’t look me in the eye and could feel in my gut that something was not right about the way you carried yourself, more like an awkward high school kid than a twenty-four year old man. You were unemployed, living at home and aspired to be a professional “gamer”. My daughter thought you were shy. She thought your long hair was cool, and your childlike demeanor brought out the caretaker in her. You became her best friend and

    her first love. She begged me to let you spend the night and I made her wait. She agreed, but

    the pleading look in her eyes wore me down and I eventually allowed you into our home.


    Then, weeks later, in tears, she told me that you had come clean about your addiction and criminal conviction. She knew how I would receive the news, so, was quick to explain that you were in a program, that your family, whom you stole from and lied to, had forgiven you; so, couldn’t we? Again the longing in her eyes, the happiness i saw in her face when you were with her...how could I do anything but go along? In no time at all, you were moved in and I hardly saw her anymore. I really didn’t like you, then, because as nice as you were to her, I could feel how you resented her relationship with me.


    I stayed away after work, for as long as I could and avoided you, hoping you’d get bored and move on. Or that she would begin to question your lack of ambition, your neglect to offer any money or help with chores in exchange for the free room and board. I noticed, and though I said nothing, I wondered if maybe you really were...even said as much to my daughter, just naive and immature for your age.


    Why couldn’t you pick her up from work on your way in from your parents house? It was on the way, and since she was giving you gas money and paying for half (that I knew about) your dates, it should have been your pleasure, no? So, I was confused to find you sitting in your car in the driveway when we arrived home, many times. That was about the time she started lying for you, I think. I trusted her so much that I didn’t get it at the time and it’s only now, in hindsight that I realize it was so long ago that I lost her. I hate you. Did I already say that?


    Fast forward to rehab graduation day. She was so proud and so in love. And so sad when your family took you directly to the casino to celebrate! I spoke up then and she cried and begged you to promise hot to disappoint her. Then, the pressure to go on “road trips”. You zeroed in on her desire to travel to win her over, to get her away from me...to convince her in baby steps, that marijuana is not really a drug and that everyone does it. Your mom got in on the game and began inviting her over to family “smoke a bowl” together nights. When she balked, you all said she needed to lighten up, that I was over-protecting her, and she began having doubts.


    But she still sought my advice and trusted that I wanted the best for her and her future. I warned her to stay strong and think before acting. She reassured me that I needn’t worry and I believed her. I believe she really meant it, even though she, by now, feared losing you and knew she would soon have to choose between her head and her heart. I knew it, too.


    You began to slip up then, on occasion. You got lazy. She got more afraid of losing you and more defensive of your rudeness and lack of consideration for her feelings. But you did snap to, when she spoke up! A skill addicts get really adept at, I’ve learned. Yes, I watched you more closely going forward. I tried to buy her excuses because when she was happy it made my heart happy, too. I loved how outgoing and brave she was becoming, how utterly joyful she was.


    But, I began to feel how much you wanted me out of the picture, even though I supported your good for nothing ass, moved you into a nicer apartment community near your family and with plenty of amenities to keep a young couple from having “nothing to do”.You were careless with my belongings, resentful when I asked for a bit of help with the moving in, even though still unemployed and refusing offers of work due to the fear of drug-testing (you needn’t have worried, we all knew) Melissa was so far gone in love, though, that only your very worst behavior and late night confession of relapse could separate you. You son of a bitch, and I mean that literally, Mrs. A! I HATE all of you for stealing my child’s innocence, breaking her heart and taking her from me. You’ve taken away her drive to be better, to see the world and my last few precious months to spend with her. She might have been well on her way to achieving her Bachelor’s degree. We might have had one more year of mother-daughter time and she’d be driving her new car instead of trying to move out of her home into a life of barely getting by with a bunch of partying losers who have her convinced that she’s missing out on something.

    I hate you more than you will ever know, because your brain is too fried to notice. You are too narcissistic to care at all about the damage you’ve done, the heartache you have caused with your bad choices. NO, YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! You choose destruction over and over again.

    You do not LOVE anyone, not even yourself. You are a lost cause and I will never forgive you.

    I will be praying that you don’t live long enough to drag my daughter down with you.
  5. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    What to do? get away from the addict before you turn into someone else, lose your desire to live your life and deeply hurt everyone who does love you. I went to talk to someone today about what is going on with my daughter and her addict boyfriend and ended up listening to that person's tale of how her own addict son destroyed her marriage, her husband's new marriage, her best friendship (when her son stole from her) and has sentenced his own daughter to a life without a father, as he rots in jail hating everyone who went broke trying to save him.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @devastated1 your feelings are understandable.... and i do pray somehow your daughter will be able to wake up....and get out of this toxic relationship.

    you went to a counselor to discuss this?
    deanokat likes this.
  7. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    No, its all about helping the addict and the addict's family. I feel for them, and I may be in their shoes someday, soon. But right now, I feel like they've stolen my daughter to save their son and it won't work. He's not ready to be helped. It will, at best leave her heartbroken and financially drained...at worst, another addict. I can't sleep or eat and I have to work today. Overtime from now on, just to survive, as we were sharing expenses to save for her first home and I just purchased a new car for her. Thank you for being there. I just needed to vent, I am so shocked that she would go far as to give up everything for a young man she met a year ago, who failed out of college and won't work, She used to be so driven to succeed, so sweet and kind. I barely recognize her now.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    As a recovering addict who tries his best to be real and honest about the life I've lived,choices I've made,and people I've affected I say from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry for the pain you feel, I read every word and it got me like I was reading that from my mother-in-law as I could honestly see now how justified those feelings would be,of course the finite details are different nonetheless I felt everything you wrote down and as a recovering addict I hurt for you and yes we deserve to hear these thing's because they are true, real,raw emotions and we should be held accountable, and you are correct N/A and most free meetings are all about the addict and you need and deserve a different experience so I suggest you find a private practice counselor and pay for the counseling and be honest the first time you meet them,let them know you are not there to care for the addict rather you are there to care for YOU and once the ground rules are set open up and express your hate,your anger,your rage,spill your heart out and I pray if you do this you can find some inner peace.I cannot answer for anyone but myself and as a recovering addict I accept how you feel towards us and I am truly sorry,I pray you find happiness once again,even though you hate us all we don't all hate you.Stay Strong and God Bless you
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I cannot get past your post,I am stuck replaying your every word in my mind,the epidemic is definitely out of control, I have less than a year under me,as far as sober time goes after 20 year's of heavy addiction and I believe the reason I am so receptive of your post is because I am thinking, or I was thinking for some time,if my life was different,if I grew up with parent's with money,or if they were closely involved in my life as a child...they weren't because dad worked 7 day's a week 365 day's a year and mom was mostly focused on taking care of her alcoholic brother's and my grandmother,but my own selfishness had me convinced my life would have played out different if we had money and for the first time in my life I see that those thing's are not a factor,at least money isn't, maybe time spent with could have made a difference but I will never know...Anyways you and your daughter sound incredibly close and I can't stop wondering if she is rebelling because maybe she could tell you have never liked this "Man-child".Is it possible she can sense your complete and utter distain for this person and maybe is searching for the good in him to show you she can make good decisions just like her mom?I don't know and I'm definitely not making any excuses for him,but have you ever pulled off the fake smile and told your daughter your true feelings in a heart to heart talk?I would like to hear more from you,even if it's just to vent,Lord knows I have done that all over this site and it has helped,though I'm a recovering addict I am not here to make excuses for us,I simply care enough to hear all side's, I have been consumed by hate myself, for myself and now I understand why. I hated myself because I am not my addiction I could just never see that until I got sober,and sober I just want to help everyone I can in any way I can.I hope and pray your doing well today.Thank you for sharing, and I hope to hear back from you
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  10. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    Yes, we have talked extensively about it. She made the rules for when she'd speak to him again! We agreed he should go to his sister's a state away work for his brother in law and detox , attend rehab and allow Melissa(daughter) to check on his progress. Only after he proved free of drugs and working would she begin the relationship again. We watched the security camera at his sister's home that night, through our computer as he gathered his things while everyone slept and disappeared. Weeks later he contacted Melissa saying he couldn't do it without her and would kill himself. He turned up at his moms place here with track marks on his arms and very thin. She is being made to feel like it'll be her fault if he doesn't make it. I have tried to make her see that its not her responsibility. That he has such a slim chance, because he isn't really ready. Begged her to give it time. A lot of time and give herself a chance to find a man who will treat her well and whom she can enjoy life with. She agrees, even tells me she realizes these things on her own. We've never had any conflict over this. Until now. I accidentally arrived home just as she was getting out of his car and she immediately poured out her heart, said she was ashamed and wanted to move on with a young man she had begun dating. Things go well, they go on dates, we laugh and they say they love each other...Halloween night I take photos of their costumes and 3 hrs later they come back. Melissa is being hateful, saying he is boring and the party was a bunch of nerds. He looks at me, apologizes and asks if shed rather do something else and she blows up. Tells him its over and me not to say a word, shes in love with addict and is not going to discuss it. Next day I try to find out what is going on and am told to shut up, I just don't understand what its like to love someone so much (really???) I tell her that if she insists on this she'll have to move out(we have been aware of his never having made any efforts to detox in past six months and is now shooting up meth). It was to scare her into sensibility. Well, she is going ahead with it. She hasn't a kind word for me and deliberately tries to make me cry or lash out, but I don't. I tell her I love her and will always be here for her even if I cannot understand . Why am I the bad guy? Why is she so full of hate and meanness? Why does she want to give up all the advantages we both worked so hard for, to live with a family of addicts and enablers who will drain her bank account or worse . Why would she choose that lifestyle ? How could she love this guy? Hes incapable of loving her. I never even brought him up, never said anything bad about him...I was hoping she'd forget about him! I think she must be on something too, to be so desperate to hang on because there is nothing attractive about him and she is beautiful and smart and well liked . Its a nightmare. She's been anti drugs since middle school when she wrote a paper on the meth epidemic in the midwest and those commercials were on youtube...I just don't get it. Thank you so much for being there.
    True concern, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  11. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    As for your own experience...I am here to tell you that Melissa had a loving two parent household, a stay at home mom who homeschooled her and never went without everything her friends had and more. She has been on the dean's list since 7th grade, through college and is a teacher. No hard-luck, miserable childhood to blame. I did have an abusive alcoholic father, so I was determined to end that cycle! It does not matter. Melissa met this guy in an algebra class, for God's sake, which he failed. I teased her about what I was sure would be a semester long romance and she joked about how she liked that he was kind dumb, which made her feel really smart. OMG, how did we get here?
    I do not believe in the "disease" theory of addiction. It is a choice, like every step we take after waking in the morning is a choice. My childhood was bad, but once I turned eighteen I had a choice to make it better. He's not a victim, he's an abuser, his parents are enablers. I CAN understand why you might turn to something to numb the pain of being abused or neglected. I commend you for getting yourself together and trying to use that experience for good. And I am grateful for your kind words of support. I'd be interested to hear more of your story, too.
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  12. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    She just burst into my room, home from wherever she's been, told me she's found some houses, glared at me, yelled at me for looking like I had been crying, to which I replied that I was sitting in my own room and minding my own business. "Why are you upset?" I reply simply that "I am confused" and she goes into a rant about how I am judging him unfairly. I reminded her of his lies and refusal to sober up. FACTS, just the FACTS. She holds up her hand in my face and calls me a bitch. I ask her to leave my room and she stomps off slamming doors. She makes me cry and then mocks me for it.
    I'm so tired. I hope she finds a place soon. Until then, I am staying out of sight and hopefully out of mind where it's safe. I quit trying to reach her yesterday. I am almost finished trying to figure out "why" and moving into survival mode. I will worry about rebuilding if there is anything left when she's gone. This is the MOST profound sadness I've ever felt. I have been reassured by friends that it is nothing I have done, that she has never expressed any kind of upset with me before. It is entirely her own conscience causing her to lash out at me. I don't have to say a word or even look at her. It is enough that she knows how this hurts me and worries that I am ashamed of her. She'll beat herself up and her pride will prevent her ever reaching out to me. One moment I'm depressed, the next I feel a bit of contentment in knowing that soon I'll be on my own again, no drama. I will move somewhere new and pretend that I am a happy single, childless woman of a certain age...(tiny smile).
    True concern likes this.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @devastated1

    Good morning... thanks for sharing...I'm glad you can come here and vent...and know that we will always be here to listen...and share our insight and encouragement... (take what helps and leave what doesn't) ;)

    I do not think she hates you at all. In all likelihood, she probably partly understands that what she's doing is not good...not wise...foolish... she is obviously ignoring her internal gps....and she probably hates herself for it...which she takes out on you.

    she also likely gets that he's not that good for her....but she's "hooked". she's not strong enough to cut this toxic relationship with this man. I can understand the awful dynamic of this because I was there once. A bit of a different scenario, but addicted to a person and a toxic relationship that took me years to get out.

    Why would she choose that lifestyle? On the surface it makes no sense. And you're right, you may never know for sure....I can only speak for myself and saying that my emotional instability and my emotional immaturity caused me to choose toxicity. But it was my disdain for myself and my fear of abandonment that led me down that road. It was my inability to check in with myself and feel emotions, especially to feel negative emotions and know how to contend with them that made me latch onto someone who would never be able to be who or what I really needed. Or wanted!!

    I gave up the safety and security of a marriage to a good person and hurt my teenagers b/c I thought I fell madly in love.... but it wasn't love. It was an addiction. It was some weird twin flame relationship full of highs and lows...with two people not emotionally mature enough for a relationship...and I had no idea at that moment what was really going on. All I knew was that I was totally and completely in love, which was not reality. It was a drug, the drug of codependency.

    I will say for me that I was determined to grow and evolve personally and spiritually, so I began doing the work and working with a therapist and support groups. This is the hope that I have for her your daughter. Most likely she does not understand what's going on at the surface level or underneath. I mean, not root causes and/or solutions. Sure, she knows she's with an addict...and hurting mom and dad and herself... thus, her anger and rage. But for some reason, she's not strong enough or emotionally mature enough to navigate this...to have clear boundaries...to check in with herself and do what's really best for her. Why? Who knows....could be a hundred reasons.

    A good therapist would go on a search for her core wounds. What was going on underneath her surface. Does she not feel worthy? Is she petrified of abandonment? Has she ever really learned how to feel and process and integrate negative emotions? And so on.

    I will share with you this about me... and please don't think i'm saying this about you... I can only share from my experiences. I also had an alcoholic father...and clinically depressed, codependent mom. I grew up the "good girl". We didn't share feelings. I was the caretaker...and wanted everyone to be alright. I also decided not to be the drinker....(well, after crazy high school and college days). Got married, had 3 amazing children. Found my role as mother and wife to be everything.

    I also homeschooled my children, got very involved in the church. Loved homeschooling for the most part. I was the model mom...model wife... had to be, b/c that's what I wanted to be....that's what gave me security. Worth.

    But when the kids started becoming teens...my "purpose" was fading...and my worth. And I ended up losing it emotionally, leaving my husband for a very toxic relationship. Now, 11 years later I can look back and see so many things. Many lessons learned all around. I was hell bent on healing MY core wounds....and doing the work necessary. I see how I was subtly controlling...and never really worked on myself until my emotional break in my mid-30's. I wanted the best for my kids... and was a very good parent.... well, until I ended a marriage and then I was with a lot of guilt...

    Anyway, I can see how me growing up in a dysfunctional home affected me.... and I can see how I passed some of my core wounds onto my children... and until they "do the inner healing work"... they may struggle. But it's their journey. Their lessons in their time. My job is to support them in prayer.... and hold space for them... mirror them their inherent goodness despite what they're doing. Not take their decisions or moods personal.... That's a biggee. This is a practice and there are days I miss the mark... b/c I want better for them. I believe in them....and want them to hurry up and learn!! :) b/c they were taught and guided very well......I imagine you feel the same.

    I won't continue on with my long story, but I do want to give you hope that eventually she we'll learn some very truly valuable lessons about herself, her worth, and life in general. My prayers said it sooner rather than later. I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself through this best as you can...And I do think that I can understand how devastating this could feel for you. I hope that you'll continue to reach out for support.
    True concern likes this.
  14. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    Thank you. I hear you. I appreciate that you do understand what's happening from both points of view. Even though I said I was a stay home mom, I continued my education via correspondence in the old days and then online and evenings when that became available. I also worked at night or from home, so my kids always had a parent with them. It's not her leaving that hurts, I've prepared and been through it with the three before her. It's the hostility and the reason she's going that I have a problem with. She thinks that if she cures him she'll get back the one she lost, but what I know is that through all of this both of them are changed. She's no longer the innocent, inexperienced girl who needed her mom to handle the logistics of her life and she knows all his humiliating secrets now. He, if she IS successful, will be healthier, more attractive and more confident and may not like HER anymore! Or, he won't come out of it and she'll be broke, scarred and alone...or she'll become an addict just to stay close to him. The fairy tale ending is the least likely scenario. She isn't going to love the MAN she creates if this works, because she is looking for the needy boy.
    Anyway, you have been so helpful to me just by being there and sharing what you know. I am grateful. I actually slept last night and woke up thinking about new beginnings and looking forward to a fresh start.[​IMG] My kids all know that they are free to live any way they choose and my door will always be open. I will support them financially and otherwise at any time, but I claim that same freedom and there are certain things I will not accept into my life: alcohol, tobacco, drugs, illegal or immoral acts or people who partake in those things. I know this limits my opportunities for socializing and friendships to the size of a puddle but I like having a safe place to be in this world.
    [​IMG]
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  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @devastated1... I replied to a post of yours in another thread. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything you're going through with your daughter. As much as we'd like to, we can't choose who our adult children fall in love with. That's just reality. And if they make poor choices, we just have to accept it and hope they don't end up getting hurt.

    I totally understand the feelings you've expressed in your post. And I don't blame you for being angry and resentful. I've had those same feelings toward my own son, who has struggled on and off with addiction for more than a decade. That said, I've learned that addiction is a disease, not some kind of moral failing. And people who battle addiction aren't really bad people...they're sick people.

    I will say a prayer for you, your daughter, and her boyfriend. I hope he will eventually get the help he needs.

    Sending you love, light, hope, and strength. Please take good care of yourself. Because YOU are the only person you have complete control over.
    True concern likes this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am happy to hear from you, I am sorry to hear about the burst into your room episode, I don't like that anyone mocks anyone for being emotional or crying....its just not right.I will be processing your replies and I will indeed chime in again.My story is all over this site, but I will warn you my story is a crazy,reckless one....which I am not proud of(as far as abusing drug's)My story is a hard one even for myself to process,full of good intentions and bad decisions...that being said I am growing as a person finally.10 month's on this site truly has helped me learn how to start the recovery process and I am the first to admit,it seemed there was no hope for me,I thought I was a lost cause..but here on this site I have dug deeper than ever within my heart and soul and now I realize I am not my addiction but my past tells a different story and I understand for me to prove I am not my addiction I have to prove it,I accept the path in front of me is a hard one and I acknowledge no one is to blame for that but myself.I will overcome, because I want to,I have to.Stay Strong and God Bless you
    deanokat likes this.
  17. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I have been thinking and of course that doesn't mean much,I do it a lot now:) and I hate that I come to this no matter how I try to spin it in my own mind,but one of two thing's.1 @Dominica is correct in that maybe your daughter has become addicted to his addiction (trying to help him-fix him)or 2 she is now dabbling herself, she sounds incredibly intelligent by the way you describe her as well as her ability to see and understand the relationship is toxic and unhealthy. I don't know which one is worse as I only have my experience (as an addict)to gauge off of,but I do know intellect alone is not enough to prevent a person from becoming an addict, you said she was on the dean's list all the way,where I live I assume the equivalent is what I was on called (Honor roll)they had 1st honors (A) average and 2nd honors (B) average, I danced around between the two and never had under a (B)average which always disappointed me and next round I would be 1st honors.You know I have been separated from my wife for 3 year's now and married 18 year's and my wife Never got high with or without me but she never expressed a real desire to help me get sober,and in fact said I had become boring after I did,and I wonder at time's why someone I still love with all my heart never tried to help me get sober,I don't blame her as obviously I ultimately made the decision but still it is a piece of my life which hurts me deeply.I agree with @Dominica I DO believe your daughter love's you and I believe she is acting out,for whatever reason, maybe she feels she always worked so hard towards being a productive adult that maybe she is kind of like in a time warp (so to speak)and is now living her high school party day's, but again I can't be sure.I know for myself it makes sense,in a very similar way I did the same but at 19 I met my wife who had 3 kid's by someone else and my youngest step son had a very rare cancer and was dying and the biological father was not around,when I met her I fell in love with her and the kid's, I don't know why but I wanted to be there for them all,as if I was the father so at 19 I quit partying and pulled my head out of myass and went back to work,I worked myself up from the bottom back to over 70 thousand a year and at this time it was decided my stepson could only live if he had a bone marrow transplant and it was risky,he was terrified, he kept telling me he didn't want to die and he was scared to be alone so at the time I had some money put away and I promised him I would be by his side every day until he walked out cancer free,I had to quit my job and live off my savings.370+ day's later he got out of the hospital, cancer free and I slept there every night like I had promised and at that time I told my wife I would pay for their birth dad to come see them and they could decide if they wanted the relationship to continue, I didn't want to be blamed later for keeping them away from him,so ya I usually don't tell this part of my life but you said you wanted to hear more about my story,and I have shared all the bad over and over so as I make progress I have to start remembering that not everything about me was bad,there was good in me even then,I just couldn't see it.I thank you for your initial post it helped me change gears and I pray somehow I can help you, if in no other way but to listen and understand, we all need that.I pray your daughter wakes up and realizes very soon how lucky she is.Stay Strong and God Bless you
    deanokat likes this.