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Loving someone with addictive tendencies

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by S24, Jul 24, 2015.

  1. S24

    S24 Member

    This may be long and definitely lacking details, but i will try to cover important parts of my story.
    So i recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years due to his addictive tendencies. The reason why i use this term is because i am not certain that he is fully addicted to drugs. But i definitely know that he is addicted to a life style which involves risk, money, and power (weed-selling). And yes, there has been some lying involved in the situation so i have had some trouble trusting him.
    Despite this, he is the most genuine and loving person i have ever met, and i am not just saying this because i love him. He will bend his back to help any person, so one can only imagine how amazing he was and is to me. He always tried to push through his problems to make me happy.
    Ever since i've known him i have been fully aware that he is a dangerous risk taker and has been in trouble with the law. Last year he got hooked onto opiates, but quit cold turkey after about 5 months and hadn't taken them since until about a couple months ago when he began to crumble. In fact, he recently just admitted after repeatedly telling me he hadn't taken opiates that he slipped a few times within the past few months.
    I told him that if he did not discontinue his risk-taking behaviors which involved some weed dealing, i would be forced to leave him as i needed to eliminate any unnecessary mental stress from my life-no matter how in love with him i am.
    So he bent his back to do this, but it was easier said than done and i believe that has something to do with not only his addiction to the lifestyle, but also because separating oneself from that lifestyle can be dangerous. He also lost an absurd amount of money in the process.
    So here is how the drug abuse comes into play:
    There would be times when he would lose thousands and thousands of dollars and break down. His coping mechanism-benzos. He would take very little, but that combined with lack of sleep caused him to lose it. This didnt happen very often, but when it did it hurt me to see this.
    There were also a couple times (and when i say couple, i mean about 2 to 3) when coke and opiates were involved as well. When this happened, i separated myself from the situation. I knew that he would never hurt me but i could not stand to watch him act soooo out of his right mind.
    After the last incident, i decided to go home (i had been living a few hours away from home in the same town as him). I was going to do this anyway for grad school in the fall, but i cut our summer short and decided to break things off with him.
    It has been extremely difficult for me to not pry and try to give him advice while i am home, but i am learning that allowing him to hit rock bottom is what he will need. I also know that even if this is not rock bottom, another one will come around.
    My main issue right now is knowing that he has been leaning on the wrong people for support (major enablers, if you know what i mean) and has been drifting from his old friends and family. I try so hard not to show my frustration, so i recently told him that when he is with those people i do not want him to talk to me (especially because we talk significantly less now). He says he wants to get away from this lifestyle and these people, but he was tired of feeling so lonely-which i can empathize with, but cannot support. In addition to this, when he admitted to the opiate slips he stated that he was not able to tell himself the truth the past few months. He says he has been doing some soul searching recently and also used the term "addicted to drugs," which i believe is a positive step.
    Aside from this, we are both heart broken over our break up. He says it kills him that i feel so much pain and hurt and he wishes i didnt have to feel this way. I feel the same for him, but i dont say that because i know this pain may be healthy for him. I just constantly remind him that i made this decision because i cant have all of this in my life anymore, but that i love him and always will and that i still have hope that maybe we can work out eventually.
    I am seeing a therapist right now, but I guess any advice is always appreciated-or mostly just support.
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2015
  2. harold

    harold Community Champion

    I believe that you took the right decision to leave. It most be difficult to do that, but you took the right decision. You have to remain strong and you might help him out. Keep your distance but don't cut the communications lines totally. You might just be able to help him. Talk to him constantly and advice him. Let him know that he needs help. He has to take a firm decision to get help. Let him know that you understand that it is a difficult situation, but let him know that he is strong inside and can do anything he determines to do. Encourage him with words like "You are strong and you can do this, you can get out of this if you determine from the bottom of your heart, you are stronger than this," and then tell him to seek help. I believe that he can only get out of the addiction if you challenge him and show him how strong he can be, if he determines from the bottom of his heart to fight the addiction. I wish you the best.
  3. S24

    S24 Member

    Thank you!! He is very down on himself and i keep saying that none of this is a reflection of who he is as a person. Before we broke up i suggested therapy and he was sort of into it, but within the past few weeks i feel like he hasnt been willing to admit he needs real professional help. He has said he needs to get back on his feet, so that has helped me stay positive. Thank you for your reply!
  4. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Please don't give up on him. He needs to have that support. You are the one constant good thing in his life. He needs to know that you are there for him, to encourage him and to believe in him. In time he may admit he needs professional help but he needs to decide that on his own. You can't force him into it or make the decision for him. Just keep talking to him and let him talk to you. I know it is frustrating and difficult but don't give up. I will say a prayer for you and him. Hang in there and continue being strong.
  5. S24

    S24 Member

    Thank you that means a lot... I definitely will never give up
  6. JessiFox

    JessiFox Active Contributor

    I agree. It can be difficult and he has to do his part too but it sounds like you love each other and you could be the one stable thing for him to hold onto as he tries to get better.
  7. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    Loving someone is always a fact that does not let you do the right decision in the belief our significant ones are going to change, but I think your boyfriend did something that is even more hurting than his addiction affecting the relationship; listen to others' advice in a way that makes you feel like yours were not worth.

    Sure, he might be as heart broken as you are now, but you did the right decision and, besides your therapy, let time passes by. Time is sometimes the best remedy in your case.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @S24... Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your situation with us. You are most definitely in a difficult situation.

    Loving someone suffering from addiction, or with addictive tendencies, is such a challenge. Love is powerful, and sometimes it can trump all kinds of negatives a relationship might have.

    That said, remember that YOU are the most important person in your life, so you have to take good care of yourself and make sure you don't forget that you have a life to live, too. It's very easy to become addicted to a loved one's addiction. I know, because I did exactly that with my son's addiction.

    I think you did the right thing by leaving him, at least for now. For you to keep subjecting yourself to the things you were going through wouldn't be fair to YOU.

    Even though you left your boyfriend, that doesn't mean that you can't support him and help him get better, if he chooses to do so. The decision to change his life is up to him. We can't control someone no matter how much we may want to. Who knows? If he decides to change and you see evidence of him turning his life around, you could possibly get back together (if that would be something you'd be interested in). But right now, I think you're doing the right thing.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Bravo to you for taking care of you. We're here to support and help you any way we can.
  9. S24

    S24 Member

    Thank you for your support! I am going to try and find a balance between keeping myself healthy and sane (slightly distanced) and being able to help him in a way that does not disturb my peace of mind.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @S24... Sounds like a good plan.

    I highly recommend a book called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for those who have loved ones who suffer from addiction. Its approach is a bit different in that it stresses love and kindness, which have been proven to help motivate people to change. It also talks a lot about self-care, which is so important when you love an addict. It's a book I wish was around back when my son was struggling with his addiction. I think you could really get a lot out of it.
  11. S24

    S24 Member

    Thank you! I will definitely look into that
    deanokat likes this.