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Masochism and Self-Sabotage

Discussion in 'Other Substances' started by Joyner, Dec 21, 2015.

  1. Joyner

    Joyner Member

    I am genuinely grateful to have found this forum. I believe that one addition I have is to masochism, self sabotage, and self harm. Has anyone suffered from this? What helped you through it? It is hard to describe how it all began. For one thing, I had to watch someone experience pain when I was younger, whereas I was spared. I lived under a huge cloud of guilt in believing that I didn't deserve to be spared. So I started self harming in order to control the situation. Next came the masochism. I can look back over my life and see that I aligned myself with toxic friends, and even went out of my way to date people who culturally could never have a future with me. In some weird, twisted way, I masochistically chose to suffer. And finally came the self sabotage. I kind of know exactly where that came from. Growing up, circumstances completely out of my control would make planning for any eventuality impossible. I could try to plan, and then decisions of people more powerful than me would completely destroy my plans. So I began to sabotage myself as a preemptive measure against disappointment.

    None of this makes me happy - it's sick. It goes against all the laws of nature to deliberately fight against your own survival! What are your stories regarding masochism? Have you overcome it?
    Damien Lee likes this.
  2. Dwayneu

    Dwayneu Community Champion

    @Joyner, I am sorry that you have this problem.
    It sounds like your childhood experience traumatized you and shaped your skewed view of pain.
    You should learn to love yourself and appreciate yourself some more, and try to keep a positive mindset about future outcomes.
    I am(albeit subconsciously) often self sabotaging and self-destructive in ways that prevent me from progressing, because I am afraid of the different outcome in the particular situation. It's sort of like an irrational fear of failure and disappointment.
    Joyner likes this.
  3. Nergaahl

    Nergaahl Community Champion

    I used to cut my skin only because I loved the feeling. Also, pain used to bring back memories, memories of brighter times, which were making me nostalgic, but happy. I stopped doing it when I learned that it was unhealthy, and when I noticed that it was becoming another addiction. It's kind of weird, to love an addiction.
    Joyner likes this.
  4. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    I'm going to guess that you are also a sadist. You derive pleasure from hurting other people too. Many people have these issues in one way or another. Its not your fault. It is something that went on with your parents, their parents, and their parents. Generational hand down.
    Being aware of it is the first thing. Correcting the behavior would be the next. It might be easier to first see how it works with other people. Causing other people pain, humiliation, or discomfort obviously is wrong. Once you see how you do it with others you can take a step back to look at how you do it to yourself. You'll find a way.
    There's no easy way to overcome such patterns really. If you really want to you'll figure it out. Its basically a type of mind control. I've watched a few people act in ways like this and how they do things to themselves. Its always them coming out of it claiming that you've done all these horrible things when really they did it to themselves. Taking a look at how people act that are closer to sanity helps. If your parents or role models were along these lines your guideposts are distorted.
  5. Joyner

    Joyner Member

    Here's the thing - I would hurt myself before hurting another. I think I've been more of a martyr. Which is actually a selfish thing, even though it masquerades as "self sacrifice." I was a cutter, but I would never do that to anyone else. So I'm not sure if sadist is accurate. I do know that I'm not the most pleasant person to be around, at all. So that might offend people who actually care about me.

    The key is that I want to improve. I've been sad most of my life and I didn't make this thread to wallow in it. I wish there was an easier way to fix it. I should have accomplished way more in my life by now. But I appreciate everyone's input. It's something I try to overcome daily.
  6. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Nice to know that you have that want to improve and that is a good start. Try to surround yourself with people you enjoy being with and you can trusted so that you can open yourself to them like in here without the fear of being rejected. Those kind of people or friends might be hard to find but quite sure that there are still some around. :)
    You can also try support groups that deal with such addition if you can find any near you. You can also try doing activities that could help you feel better and valued like in outreach programs where you will have the chance to help others who will not hurt you but instead thank you for being there. :)
  7. 111kg

    111kg Community Champion

    At some level, I do think that everybody is self sabotaging themselves. Ever taken a bad decision? Well, that's self sabotaging.

    However, when it comes to self harming, you won't get help from the forums, because it's clearly a mental problem that shows a lot of problems. I'd definitely recommend speaking with a professional about this, as self harming is one step away from developing suicidal tendencies.
  8. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    I think a lot of times some people could have this problem and not know it. A lot of this can start in your home environment. Some people are in the habit of thinking negative about everything that can be self sabotage, in reality it is.
    Changing your point of view about life will literally change your life, I know it did for me. Sometimes you have to just weed out negative thoughts and habits from your past and build on things that better you , even if you can find things that better you from your past.
  9. Damien Lee

    Damien Lee Community Champion

    Thanks for sharing your story. I've never been masochistic and I've looked out for my best interests for the majority of my life. I think masochism is the result of a puritanical culture that has pervaded the West. I've met plenty of people that feel guilty with themselves and, wish to face certain repercussions in order to make things right.

    The only advice I can give you is not to be so hard on yourself. You deserve better and need to look out for yourself. Try to treat yourself to the good things in life whenever you can. There's no need to burden yourself with any miss-conceived notions of guilt. You exist to live a life of joy and expansion.
  10. Jasmine2015

    Jasmine2015 Community Champion

    I have a story to tell as well. In elementary school me and a friend was inside a classroom before school started. I was reading chicken noodle soup for the soul and it was about how someone was cutting themselves and eventually got help. Then I noticed my friend started to cry because she at one point did the same thing. That was my first time meeting someone like her so I don't know what to do but be there for her.
  11. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    You reminded me a lot of myself... I also dated people that culturally speaking it was obvious we could never have a future together. I dated several middle eastern men when I was younger, even though I knew things would never go well and that I'd end up getting hurt! I did it several times despite I knew the outcome beforehand. So yes, I know what you mean. I've always had the feeling I often self-sabotage myself... even now that I am trying to lose weight.

    Mine got better after the last bad break up, something in me woke up and realized I deserved better. I got tired of being sad and unhappy...
  12. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    While I never suffered from masochism, there was a stage in my life in which I used to self-harm myself, usually biting my hands or scratching my face and arms. This was around my teens years, and it was the understanding of the situation what made me free.

    I used to go against my parents' wishes, what usually made my mom cry, hence feeling guilty for this, I had to hurt unconsciously myself to pay for her tears. How did I stop this? Not making again anything that could make her cry.

    Later in life, I realized to be self-sabotaging me when pursuing a dream I could achieve, but something inside of me used to make me fail. Equally, reflecting on those issues and what was the reason behind it, I could stop this sabotaging behavior; I was afraid to succeed, that was all!

    You can do the same @Joyner, there must be an unconscious reason that leads you to be the way you don't want to be, you hate to be, but you still do things going resulting in the situation you are trying to avoid. Finding the answer may not look any easy, but I can assure that the answer is inside of you, and we will try to help you find it, but a professional counseling service can help you a lot too.