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Meth made me

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Lissalee, Jul 24, 2019.

  1. Lissalee

    Lissalee Member

    I've been an addict for 15 of my 26 years on earth. Adults fed me pills and drinks at a young age. I have withdrawn from heroin, benzos, and alcohol more times then I can count. Never touched meth. Until a year ago. I used very little once a day put it in a pill, suddenly I could think, my anxiety was gone. I was able to get a job, take care of my home, get full custody of my child.
    But I need to stop, due to the yearly drug testing for custody court. And I need to just stop for good.
    My fear is, for the first time in my life I think clearly, all my anxieties, overwhelming thoughts. I even sleep now. All the things I was told meth would cause.
    I used to chug nyquil, chasing it with benzos or whatever after being up for 3, 4, 5 days, and that was before ever trying meth.
    Anyone experience this? Am I just trying to hold on to my addiction? Or has anyone had this experience?
    cheffy likes this.
  2. cheffy

    cheffy Community Champion

    I do know that when I started drinking long ago it was such a relief from my deep depression that I became an alcoholic and kept going with the drinking for like 30 years. My feeling was that I'm wasn't an alcoholic - the alcohol was my medicine because it brought me so much relief . And it did - I think it saved my life a few times when my depression was making me feel suicidal. BUT, it ended up not so great in the long run. I changed to oxycodone and quit drinking, and became an oxy addict - still feeling it was justified as medication. My doctor told me that the oxy is a trap, plain and simple, a trap. It lures you in by making you feel great, but sooner or later you just end up with a huge problem that you can't handle yourself. I've never done meth, but I think that same description of being a trap holds. You feel good now, but maybe something changes in your life and you can no longer find the meth, and the whole thing turns upside down on you. So I know the meth helps - right now - but I think sooner or later you will realize that it's not a good thing to do. I hear the withdrawals are horrendous. Is there anything you can get from a doctor that would be a good replacement for the meth? You can talk to your doctor and maybe follow the more regular path of scripted meds. So anyways, I feel for you - I know how it's so easy to say 'it's just my med and it works so I'll use it'. It can't hurt to ask your doctor about it. I hope you find a good path to follow, and keep in touch with this forum. There is a lot of good wisdom piled up here just waiting to be used :)
  3. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    hi i'm josh, long time addict and alcoholic. ive got about a year and a half clean and sober under my belt. i take only what is prescribed as prescribed now. i also am a self medicator-used to be.
    i know all to well, like cheffy said how you feel... that it just helps. he's right too, in that drugs-the right one for that person-does help with lifes problems. in the short term. like cheffy and i with opioids in the very short term, especially with oxy.
    what helped me was strong opioids and i managed my anxiety and innability to sleep and stress with them for 5 or 6 years before i had to turn to heroin to just keep from being sick. then i quickly became non-functional. like within a month. after that i spent a few years living the addicts street life. was even homeless for a while. certified homeless-like where you get weekly bus passes if you fill out the required amount of job applications. it was bad. i was having to use coke in my shots of heroin to just keep from nodding off. i don't really like stimulant, but i became addicted to coke for a long time. and then had to have that too. i used for a total of 15 years. im 31 now. but at one point i was really really low.
    my kidneys no longer function from extreme IV abuse so i take a very small dose of subutex to keep themm going full strength. at one point though i had even detoxed from that for a while. but was getting very ill.
    so moving on i let you know a little about myself to let you know that i too at a very young age was a fuul blown addict. it didn't allow my brain to grow up normally. ive matured alot in the last two years, well three since i quit drinking...its the devil.
    interesting that you said how meth helped you so much. i tried a shot of meth once and thought i was gonna die. it gave me a minor heart attack. but i could tell it had potential. fast forward to about a year ago.
    i'm off everything, week, trouble sleeping, sad, anxious, scared and don't even know why, and worse of all i could not concentrate to save my life. this got so bad that i went to live with my parents for a while. i couldn't even live by myself. well i went to a docotr that wasnt my addiction specialist and he gave me adderall. i took that for about a week. it had the same effect as the meth did it just didn't give me a heart attack. i read about it and talked about it to some people on here and found out how addictive it was. but WOW, it helped. life changing help. since then i've pretty much found out that it's meth. so i quit and missed it. but i found other ways to help me. and now i feel great. i really do.
    i believe you with every single thing you said and do not think you are just trying to hang on to an addiction.
    i experienced exactly what you are describing. MJ (medical) helps alot, at least me. to each his own.
    but you are not alone. these feelings are horrible. i got custody of my son after i got over them, but before that i couldnt even care for me much less a 9 year old. talk to your doctor about an add or adhd mediation. no they dont kick like meth but they "help" like meth.
    anyway, i know i wrote a novel here and sorry. i just wanted to really reassure you you are not the only one experiencing this. and its very common for kids who get addicted. (i dont mean the kids who sit around and have beer and ar potheads either) super common for kids who develope hard core addictions. you really would benefit trom talking to your doctor. keep us posted. i feel for you and we care.
    True concern, cheffy and Dominica like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You have ADHD see a Dr and go on prescription meds for it,it is much safer....I think than street meth.I have had ADHD my entire life so yes I have been where you are and I have been on both meth and Ritalin,Adderall,concerts,etc which are the meds that are basically meth but it's a prescription so drug test or not it doesn't matter as long as a Dr prescribed it.

    I suppose as long as the rich get richer it's OK or at least that's just how it seems to me but that's my own opinion.What I said above is the truth however.
    Stay Strong and good luck God bless
    Joshstillclean and cheffy like this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Lissalee hello and welcome. thanks for reaching out. it might help to see a psychiatrist... or addiction specialist. during this stage of getting off... they may be able to help you. i think one of the best investments you can make in yourself is to find a good therapist and go for a while... deal with this and any past issues or trauma you've encountered.

    anxiety disorders are common, but they are also treatable. also start looking at alternative ways to manage anxiety... things you can do at home. (breathing techniques, meditation, guided meditations, accupressure, EFT, etc.) just a thought.

    know that we are here... you may need some face-to-face support too. there are support groups too... not sure how you feel about that.

    i'm glad you want to stop. it might not be simple, but it is possible with hard work and continued effort. just keep trying and find your path to recovery...
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Lissalee. I think you've already gotten some great insight and advice from other folks, so I'll just add this: We are here to help, support, and encourage you however we can. You are not alone. We're here and we care. I'm proud of you for coming here and sharing with us, too.
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  7. Perfect Whine

    Perfect Whine Active Contributor

    I'm sorry to hear about people feeding you pills at a young age, that's just shitty. Now maybe it's not my place, but don't you think you should stop for good? Not just for the sake of custody but for you kid!! I'd go so far as to suggest that the kid should not be in your custody at all until you have all this figured out because we're looking at a future guaranteed addict with a multitude of other problems. Quit not just for yourself but for the sake of your child, otherwise you're going to give it the same childhood you had and repeat the cycle of misery
  8. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Meth is a bad bad deal it's about one of the only drugs that can actually damage and burn out your receptors. They are not joking when they say it causes brain damage.

    I hope you are able to stop. Wish you well
  9. Perfect Whine

    Perfect Whine Active Contributor

    So with opiates you can get your brain back to normal? Because if so that is great news!
    deanokat and Joshstillclean like this.
  10. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Yes but even because of meth if they burn out completely our brain has the ability to make new ones. But it can take up to a year to heal.

    Opiates dont cause damage. Our receptors just go dormant and need to wake up again.
    Our brain has the ability to return to complete normal function.
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  11. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    really? the thing you fear most about quitting is not the physical part-which is what most people keep using because of. otherwise you would have no problem stopping the 2 weeks subs 2 weeks kratom cycle you said.
    your fear is having noone you trust to taolk to and being "judged".
    then you went on to say that "meh...ill just therapist hop", again for fear of your friends ragging on you.

    you obviously dont have kids. an addict does not need to be told by another addict this...especially when they already KNOW and ACKNOWLEDGE they have a problem and came for help.
    you said you would even go as far as to say "the kid, should not even be in their custody at all. because you are looking at another gauranteed addict and the same sad childhood they had repeated all over again. With a multitude of other problems." End Quote
    wow-thats cold. especially coming from a heroin addict who doesnt mention having children.
    so - your worried about being judged yet you judge harshly.
    she-or he. IS concerned for their child. they said as much. that was the reason for quitting! and you even used 2 !!
    man, you were adament about that. if the state had my son now, or his mom, he would not have near as good of a life as he does now. statistically thats just true. i wont get into details about that, but i was an addict for a long time when i finally quit. infact my son once called 911 because of a possible OD. sad, but true.
    now i have done a 180, have full custody, and just dang. i couoldl never wish someones child be taken from them until they get themselves all figured out. while i have have same problems.
  12. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    people who refer to children as "the kid" and "it" like pieces of property have no clue what being a parent is like. what the love for your child is like. i didnt see @Lissalee say anything to this. but i bet it hurt her feelings like hell. and so i said something for her.
    im not angry, and i still mean everything i said prior to this to you. and i still want to talk to you and help you. but i hope her feelings are not hurt badly. i know mine would have been.
  13. Perfect Whine

    Perfect Whine Active Contributor

    First off, I am replying to Josh, not the OP here and I don't mean any hard feelings toward her.
    With all due respect, she said drug use has prevented her from getting "full custody." I have problems, as we all do, but regardless of my problems, or your problems, or anybody else's problems; children should not be brought into our mess. She is attempting to completely remove the child from her SO via *full custody* and I have had several male friends which this has happened. Unless this man is a complete monster, this is wrong, addict or not. Additionally, when a child is brought up in a drug influenced home, the child almost always has the same problems as the parents and I don't wish that upon innocent children since they are not tools for us or our addictions, they are human beings. I understand that this is a support forum, but the post is immoral as of itself. All you have to do is look at the outcomes for homes where there is one parent and drug use. 90% of the prison population, the success rate (or lack of) among these children, along with most addicts being raised by single parents (myself included). Being an addict doesn't excuse bad behavior when it directly hurts others. If it was in the past and she was trying to fix it I would be in complete support, but what we're saying on here is influencing her current decisions. Addicts (again, myself included) don't always think straight, and if I'm doing something so blatantly wrong I would hope others would tell me. I'm being kind by being honest. This is not good behavior. Again, I would hope others would do the same for me.
  14. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    I think you both have some valid points. That's a tuff one. Obliviously we dont want for children growing up in broken homes. But it is a reality for millions of people.

    I grew up upper middle class but in an environment where alchohol was always around and marijuana later when I was older I learned of the coke as well. My dad loved to host partys and have alot of people over. But a substance is a substance they all lead to the same thing. But to anyone looking in our life this would have looked ok. It wasnt ok, me, my brother and sister are all addicts now.

    I do believe that at least 50% of our actions do stem from learned behaviors if we were never around that maybe our lives would have been different. I'll never know.

    One thing also though I was scared of drugs family would say dont do them they will kill you. When I tried them and I felt great and didnt die well I just thought everything was a lie. I think when kids get to a certain age they should learn the absolute truth about drugs and give them the tools to say no. Knowledge is power.
  15. cheffy

    cheffy Community Champion

    Sorry - kind of long, but I think it needs to be.
    I think there is a fine line that needs to be drawn here. There are times that, regardless of your condition - drug addict, or not, children should be taken out of the picture until the picture is OK. This is when there is abuse that's clearly evident. Should we be able to take a kid out of the home in any kind of situation that involves abuse regardless of the legality? In general, the left says yes and the right says no. Where is the line? Is neglect illegal? In general the left says yes and right says no. Soooo, my wife was a rural 4th grade teacher and has had kids from the whole spectrum, a lot of them. Kids that needed help because parent(s) were neglecting them. So, where is that line drawn between neglect and not neglect? Most of these situations involved a single parent home with a parent addicted to either alcohol or meth. It's odd that opiates didn't play as much a part of this than the alcohol and meth. Think about this now - a 4th grade boy still in diapers that had to be changed during school hours - single alcoholic father - who was later was put in jail for meth use. A 4th grade kid that would only eat hot dogs, no buns, because he/she was being fed moldy food or not at all at home - single alcoholic father. A 4th grade kid whose parents - both of them meth addicts - were in jail, and the kid ended up in foster care. A 4th grade girl that brought some of her mom's sex toys to school to show everyone - she had no idea what these things were - single alcoholic mother. A 4th grade kid that returned to school after being gone for 4 days, their face and the rest of their body badly bruised. Father a meth addict, maybe mother too. A 4th grade kid coming to school in the middle of winter without a winter coat, just a sweater - and the parent got pissed when we gave her (to keep) a coat to wear because she didn't want 'charity'. This was not charity, it was keeping this kid alive at the bus stop on 0 degrees days. Homeschooling was another factor - most parents that homeschooled were great and some would even bring the kid in just for the mathematics lessons that they couldn't teach. Others only homeschooled to be able to keep the authorities away. Many times the social worker that handled the case would visit the home and have to come back later with the police because she was threatened by a parent verbally, with a gun, or with a dog, or all of the above (it was required by law that you notify the social worker of any situation that involved these kinds of things, large or small). So where do we draw the line? A very tough question to answer if you're talking about the parent(s), and a very easy question to answer if you're talking about the kid. I still don't know the answer, but whatever it is be ready to be sued by the family when the decision is made to take the kid out. Sometimes I think the law suit is just an attempt to get easy money, the root of all evil.

    I'd like to hear what your thoughts are on this - I think becoming educated doesn't just apply to the kid's learning their lessons, but applies to everyone involved.
  16. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    I think you have some good points but that's not always the case so yes the line gets even further blurred.

    There are some kids that come out of broken and drug abused homes that come out stronger and motivated to not be that person they witnessed growing up that could give them the drive to be someone special.

    I think unfortunately for kids that's usally not the case because of the learned behaviors and bad habits of the parents. If we are custom to having bad habits they usally stem through the rest of our lifes. Ie bad credit, no money, no car or it barly runs probably poor eating habits for us and the children unstable home.

    As much I appreciate the fact we have freedom of choice and that we must take responsibility for our own actions some people just never learn. What to do...
  17. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Everyone needs to see a counselor and therapist, it may sound crazy but this conversation is very passionate on both sides, I can't agree or disagree with anyone here as it's clear even opposing views are still focused around "What's best-Wheres the line-What to do"I don't see left or right I see concerned individuals having a debate worth having and this is how mature adults should communicate...Agree or Disagree continue the conversation,it's how we make progress as human being,it's how we learn to love and respect one another.

  18. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    hi. and thank you for responding and yes, as @True concern said having a civil conversation with me. unless she has said something elswhere that i do not see then she already has custody.
    seriously, im not trying to be difficult, i just dont see a post about her trying to get custody from her SO via "full custody". she said that meth made her feel normal and she could get a job and she got custody already.
    maybe she talked to you privately? or theres another post i havent seen? but what is see i can only interpret as she has custody and wants to quit because of her child. and just she needs to in general.
    i know from personal experience what its like to have a woman threaten a father with taking there child.
    when my ex and i finally called it off for good-it was rocky. her mother even hired a lawyer to have her get custody of our son (which she didnt want) and the state was going to do it anyway, because thats how things work.
    when she peed hotter than me her mom was shocked. she had lied to her mom and her mom had no clue she had amphetamines in her system. i only peed hot for opioids and benzos. not legal but how could they know because i did have an active script for oxy and valium at the time.
    so it turned out that because her mother got involved on her behalf- which neither of us wanted, that MY parents got custody. because her mom refused to take our son. (she was taking adderall like it was going out of style). i guess i told you that just so you knew a little more of my history.
    now for the last five years i have been trying to get sober. really have. mega fails-often, but i have been on either methadone or MAT of some sort. finally got clean with subutex. i also stopped drinking a good while- like a year or more before i quit the opioids. and i did use more than my ex-a lot more.
    really i dont think she was an addict, but she went on regular benders. she was not dependant on anything, like me. however her lifestyle, as bad as mine was for a while when i gave up and went homeless, was and is less stable than mine.
    all im saying is that just because drugs are a factor, there are many other factors to think about also. and i dont think taking the child from them - as i said seems as if she already has custody- is the answer. if all you know is what i have read on this thread, then there is no way of knowing whether or not she is a fit parent.
    my uncle beat my cousins seriously bad- he put them in the hospital.
    my dad was an alcoholic-he never laid a hand on us and quit drinking when my sister was born.
    my uncle hates my dad because he "was a sorry alcoholic".
    my uncles kids hate him. we love our dad. my cousins never saw drinks or drugs growing up. now they both struggle with it. my sister and i are trying really hard to help them. we have gotten sober and they dont want to.
    i just wouldnt judge someone about there parenting ability because of this. i dont think its good at all, but there are some really evil people out there that dont do drugs that would make much worse parents than one who did or still struggles.
    thank you for speaking with me. i mean that, and im curious as to how you feel about this. hope your having a good evening. God bless.
  19. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I can tell you are very worked up over this,no I have not spoken to this person in private....but I would if they wanted to.The only thing I know FOR SURE is if meth gives you the ability to sleep. Then you have ADHD,Iknow because I have ADHD
  20. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I just want y'all to know that I appreciate everyone here being civil and respectful of other people's opinions. :)