Misled...

Hi - I just need to vent.... and share my story. Maybe someone will understand and be able to offer support.. I don't know.

Up until I was 21 years old, I had never touched a drug other than very little weed smoking at parties and on occasion. I never even liked to drink alcohol other than on occasion. I lived a very sober lifestyle. I struggled with depression and anxiety, but never took pills because I had other ways of coping. I was in a relationship and despite some really horrible things I experienced in my childhood, managed to deal with my depression and anxiety. Then after four years, my relationship ended. I was so betrayed and torn apart. It brought out the worst in me. I started taking a lot of xanax to numb the pain I felt and help me sleep. I also started partying more and doing cocaine occasionally. I was so heartbroken... I didn't know what to do. It was like an instant pain I felt and suddenly my depression worsened and things from my past that were manageable were suddenly more intense.

I was desperate to find love and also get rid of the pain I felt from the guy I still wanted to be with. My heart was broken. One night, I met up with an old friend. We started hanging out a lot. He was always into drugs but he knew my limits. I would never touch anything hard. In my opinion at the time (heroin, crack, meth .. those were drugs I would never do and others). He agreed those drugs were terrible and that he would never do them. We hung out a lot. We did a lot of pills and cocaine. Eventually, I was tired of always being so awake on cocaine and the xanax just made me tired. He was always snorting oxys in front of me. He told me they were way better than xanax. I trusted him and did not want to always pass out the way xanax made me. So I started doing them. I honestly had no experience in drugs really and was super vulnerable. We ended up really falling in love. However 6 months into the relationship... my life really changed. He had a confession for me. He admitted to me that the whole time he was actually giving me heroin in the powder form (he doesn't inject) and that they weren't oxys. He told me he didn't realize how serious we were going to get and how sorry he was. He lied to me the entire time about never doing heroin and introduced me to something so fatal. I was so mad...

The point is it's been about a year now. I am now addicted to heroin and I feel it getting worse. I do experience withdrawal when I try to stop. I need help but I cannot tell my family. I don't want it to get to the point where I start stealing, lying and doing even worse things to finance my disease and really lose myself. I am still able to function and "pretend" to others. How do I stop this from ruining my life???

Hi there, I'm glad I saw your post this morning,I wish I had seen it earlier is all.
I'm going on three months completely clean now, mostly clean for about a year, mostly doesn't really count though. I only say that so that you know your not getting advice from someone fresh out of an extremely long drug binge and wonder if I'm still half cog fog up in the head.
I was injecting every opiate I could get my hands on for about a decade,mostly oxycontin 80s and heroin.
The good news is that heroin isn't as strong as oxy so you're actually going to have an easier time coming off of it.
However I feel obligated to tell you since you are drug nieve, that there is absolutely no way that you are going to be able to stop this drug without your family or anybody that sees you for that matter,knowing that you are addicted to something. It would be unfair of me, having gone through this many times cold turkey and then with a medical detox to sugar coat the situation that you are now in.
Heroin is a short acting drug,unlike the evil twin sister oxycontin which lasts much longer. So I know that you can't be going too long between fixes if you're avoiding w/d's. Therefore cold turkey is going to make you feel like you're dying,and having never done this you might be afraid that you are.
Stopping suddenly can be dangerous so let me tell you about some of your options
1. Methadone clinic, most everyone knows about these places and they are cheaper and safer than dope, and have saved many of my friends lives. Including mine at one point,a very short period of time though as for me it was just a replacement.
2. Suboxone, not as widely known about but gaining popularity quickly as the first stop for opiate dependency. I am currently on a taper comming off of heroin and fentynal. I am very close to being finished with my taper and have experienced minimal discomfort,that is when I take the Suboxone like it is prescribed.
3. An inpatient rehabilitation center that will treat you with non-narcotic drugs and release you when the physical W/d's have passed. These places have very low successes with heavy users because the emotional impact of this drug will last weeks past the physical ones.
I'm not by any means trying to scare you but you said you didn't want to steal or lie or have your financial situation messed up, and there is no doubt that if you don't stop this now you will end up doing things that you never thought you were capable of.
Truth in the statement that drug use ends in one of these three ways jail,institutions, or death.

But, take heart, read some of the success stories. If I can do it anyone can. That includes you! God bless.

Im so sorry that you're struggling with opiate addiction too. I do want to help but part of what I'm about to say may come across as harsh or judgmental but from the bottom of my heart, it's not. Every word I type comes from a place of understanding and wanting to be free of this. One thing you're going to have to understand is that oxy and heroin are both opiates. So even if he wasn't lying to you, you would be in the same boat. I'm by no means excusing what he did but I don't want to let you off the hook either. And I don't mean that in a finger pointing kind of way. I've always turned to drugs after a relationship of mine falls apart. I don't blame you for doing so either. This is life is tough enough by itself and drugs work for putting off heartache. I'll admit that while also being that center of focus while I torched my life, heroin has kept me alive at times. I have thrown away more good than heroin is worth but I'd be a liar if I said nothing good came from my use. But that's a story for another time. I said i don't want to let you off the hook is because I want what I say next to empower you, not make you feel less than, so bare with me. Your ex did not get you addicted, he is not responsible for your use -- you are. Drugs are what you pursued in a time of suffering. No shame in that. Own it. Many will try to make you feel terrible for the choice but those kind of people are a**holes. In other circumstances, would you let an a**hole tell you who you are? I don't think you're that type Why I want you to own your actions is because, and I wish this part was different, you are the only one who can get yourself out of this. There is not a single thing any of us can do to save you. Support is possible but you will have to do all the work. If this is sounding impossible, try not to believe it is. It does sound that but it's not. A lot of work is ahead but each milestone you reach, nobody can claim it as their achievement. Every ounce of success will be yours to be proud of. Yes, every failure will be yours alone but I invite you to look at success and failure as the same, not on the opposite sides of a spectrum. Everyone will and has failed at many things. Every person you look up to has completely effed many, many things up. When I fail at something I've taught myself to look at it two ways. The first as a time for self-reflection. Nobody's flawless. Please don't drive yourself insane trying to be. I've met many perfect people and none of them are flawless. The second is that I now know how to not do something. Which as a lazy person who also wants to reach my goals is valuable information. I never have to try that way again because I know, it doesn't work.

My heart breaks with yours. Losing a cherished relationship that is then followed up by deceit is so painful. Unimaginably at times. I'd hate to see those swallow up the person who walked through days battling depression and/or anxiety without drowning them out with substances. I've had bipolar disorder my entire life and constantly try and bury what I have to face to live a successful life. I am inspired by the person you still are and the courage you hold to walk through trouble without assistance. hold on to those parts. While they never will go away completly, they will atrophy if you do enough heroin. There are many paths to recovery. If you want off the heroin now, try kicking cold turkey. It will not kill you. If the withdrawals are too much, that's ok too. What worked for me the first time I had a run about as long as your is find a methadone clinic and enter their detox program. Do not run the full course of the program though. They will give you methadone every day that will keep you well. Do your last bag the night before you are going to go to a clinic. That morning, after intake you'll get your dose. go back for three more days and stop completely. The heroin will be gone and you won't have build up a dependence on methadone. Take the next couple days to bed rest. You should be right as rain without withdrawal. I started using again several months down the road after a break up. Don't do that, trust me lol. Get away while you can. The average heroin user is addicted for 10 years. You don't want to see what year 3 and on has in store. Some will say this is bad advice but if you're ever in a bad spot again and seeking drugs, marijuana like GDP, Kush, and other strains high in CBDs will give you the same sedating effects. Seek those out rather than the heroin.

I don't think that's bad advice if its medicinal. I'm from Colorado, so you know how I feel about pot. However even in Colorado I was taking it for my epilepsy.
Recently it was legalized in Georgia for epilepsy and a few other bad health issues that marijuana has been proven effective against.
Guess who got their Georgia medical marijuana card? But I also have experience with using this drug recreationally and that backfires as if you're using it to mask emotional pain then you don't cope, if you don't cope then you don't heal.

My advice girl? GET HELP FAST! Tell your family, get they’re support! Go to treatment! Go to NA meetings! Don’t try to do this on your own because you can’t, it’s not that your not a strong woman with good willpower it’s that if you want to get clean get help. You can waste another 5 or 10 years trying to do it “your way” which you may not even know what that is yet. Don’t just don’t! Don’t analyze this and come up with a plan where you can “do it on your own”. It won’t work, ask ANY addict with significant recovery time. Save yourself all the pain, suffering, frustration and hopelessness of trying to do it by yourself. What leads to most addicts demise is the notion that “my addiction is different” along with that goes “I can do it on my own” “I’m not as bad as so and so” I call it terminal uniqueness. We addicts have a tendency to think we’re special and that our addiction is somehow different from everyone else and that what has worked at getting millions sober won’t work for us. Run don’t walk to the nearest treatment center!

So Josh, I have really liked many of your posts, it’s clear to me you have been a part of NA. You’ve quoted them a few times
And in my head I’m always like “go josh! Way to represent!” But this past post has me confused and concerned. So you’ve said you’ve been completely sober for three months ( way to go btw!!) but you got a medical marijuana card? Are you unconsciously planning a relapse? NA is very clear that to be clean you can’t use any drug or alcohol. I’m worried about you. As you stated “marijuana maintenance” backfire on you before. Why would you get that card? I’d imagine you’d have to put effort into getting one of those. It just seems like a very bad plan

I really like your post and this is sort of relevant to another of yours I commented on and I kind of wanted to clarify. I 100% believe addiction is a disease, it’s an obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body. Not a moral failing although we do behave in immoral ways. Both of my parents are recovering alcoholics who were also AODA counselors (I didn’t stand a chance right something like 60% I was going to be one) They are coming up on 35 years sober! Before I got sober my dad said to me “it’s NOT your fault your an alcoholic, but now that you know you’re one it’s your responsibility to do something about it” So basically my stance is it’s never someone’s fault for becoming an addict, no one ever intends to be, no one wants to be. It’s not our fault we got this disease but it is our responsibility to get sober and only we have the power to do that. Addiction is the only 100% “curable” terminal disease out there. Our disease will kill us, but with the right treatment (inpatient, outpatient, meetings, sponsor, stepwork, service work) we can put our disease into remission

Actually it was extremely easy for me to get a medical marijuana card because of the epilepsy diagnosis I have had since I was three. For almost two weeks now I have had a bottle of cannabis oil sitting with my other medication and I have not had to use it. It is not a temptation for me to get that bottle and take a few drops to get high. But if I do go into an epileptic fit then it's there for someone to put in my mouth for me. Or if I feel a seizure coming on I can take that rather than a few extra valium which I'm trying to come off of. So far successful in that by the way. I hope I don't need the cannabis oil. Its as simple as that.

I should also add that I do think marijuana maintenance can backfire on you. I know for a fact that it would backfire on me. That is if I were using it on a daily basis. If I sounded happy to have gotten that card well I am. I was keeping a bottle of phynal barbitol in case of an emergency(I'm prescribed it). Now I can not have to take anymore barbiturates because I have this. And I used it when I lived in Colorado even before it became legal for recreation and I had a medical card. The cannabis was by far more effective for me and with less side effects than the barbiturates. I have siezures I honestly have to have something to stop them. But I haven't had to use it yet. Almost two weeks. I have not even broken the seal on it to "try it out" and "make sure its the real deal". I stick by what I said marijuana is bad barbiturates are bad. I just picked the lesser of the the two evils.

I’m amazed at how much I learn from this forum. What your saying makes complete sense, I’m sorry you struggle with seizures. That must be scary. I’m glad you clarified your situation I was worried for you. I read your posts and I so bladly want you to succeed! It sounds like your doing an excellent job so far and I always love it when you reference NA. Happy your hear josh!

I'm glad that I clarified also lol! In no way was I condoning recreational marijuana use or even thinking about it!
And to be absolutely clear on this I think a lot of people get a card and don't really need it. Heck, I know the day will come I have to use mine but at least it hasn't yet. I have been taking barbiturates since I was 3 years old until now and when I lived in Colorado for a while. I'm wondering if that isn't one reason I have such issues with the benzodiazepines as I do. Because they feel very similar to me. But oh well what's done is done. When I was little that's the only way they knew to treat seizures.

And thanks for cheering me on that's an inspiration to me.

Wow. Oxyg heroin it's the same thing same withdraw. They used to call oxy hillbilly heroin. Anyway you know what it will do to u. He new what it does to you. Anyway I told my dad I was addicted to oxycodine because most people will think your shooting up, it's ugly dirty, street drug extra.

I'm glad u see that this will end up being a big problem for you in your future if you keep using opiates. You should try to get yourself in to rehab if your ready to do so. Honesty to myself and my family was the best thing for me. It took me a long time to be that way because I was a functoning addict for so long. I didn't think I had a problem. It became a very big problem for me and I did some messed up **** to get my fix first thing in the morning.
In the end I was sick of being sick.

Hey, I can tell you've been around the block, do you mind sharing your story with me? I can tell you mine if you wish. I just relate to and agree with a lot of what you say. I relate to the opiate/downer addicts on here a lot. Is like to get to know you better.

I was scrolling to the top of the page and something else in this thread caught my eye.
If I had seen this before I would have commented on it. You said that some may say this is bad advice (so obviously you don't), and this is rhetorical, it's nothing but a fact, and im not going to be debating.
But you just said that "if you ever find yourself seeking" drug of choice to "instead look for these" and then go on to list some serious drugs and a strain of cannabis of which I currently have a medical card and that was my choice.
I'm not disagreeing with medical marijuana, its the SEEKING DRUGS PART.
Do not look for drugs, this is not bad advice, this is a way to go to jail.