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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by js50357p, May 13, 2018.

  1. js50357p

    js50357p Member

    Hi - I just need to vent.... and share my story. Maybe someone will understand and be able to offer support.. I don't know.

    Up until I was 21 years old, I had never touched a drug other than very little weed smoking at parties and on occasion. I never even liked to drink alcohol other than on occasion. I lived a very sober lifestyle. I struggled with depression and anxiety, but never took pills because I had other ways of coping. I was in a relationship and despite some really horrible things I experienced in my childhood, managed to deal with my depression and anxiety. Then after four years, my relationship ended. I was so betrayed and torn apart. It brought out the worst in me. I started taking a lot of xanax to numb the pain I felt and help me sleep. I also started partying more and doing cocaine occasionally. I was so heartbroken... I didn't know what to do. It was like an instant pain I felt and suddenly my depression worsened and things from my past that were manageable were suddenly more intense.

    I was desperate to find love and also get rid of the pain I felt from the guy I still wanted to be with. My heart was broken. One night, I met up with an old friend. We started hanging out a lot. He was always into drugs but he knew my limits. I would never touch anything hard. In my opinion at the time (heroin, crack, meth .. those were drugs I would never do and others). He agreed those drugs were terrible and that he would never do them. We hung out a lot. We did a lot of pills and cocaine. Eventually, I was tired of always being so awake on cocaine and the xanax just made me tired. He was always snorting oxys in front of me. He told me they were way better than xanax. I trusted him and did not want to always pass out the way xanax made me. So I started doing them. I honestly had no experience in drugs really and was super vulnerable. We ended up really falling in love. However 6 months into the relationship... my life really changed. He had a confession for me. He admitted to me that the whole time he was actually giving me heroin in the powder form (he doesn't inject) and that they weren't oxys. He told me he didn't realize how serious we were going to get and how sorry he was. He lied to me the entire time about never doing heroin and introduced me to something so fatal. I was so mad...

    The point is it's been about a year now. I am now addicted to heroin and I feel it getting worse. I do experience withdrawal when I try to stop. I need help but I cannot tell my family. I don't want it to get to the point where I start stealing, lying and doing even worse things to finance my disease and really lose myself. I am still able to function and "pretend" to others. How do I stop this from ruining my life???
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @js50357p... I replied to your post in another thread, so please look for that.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @js50357p I am so sorry you have gone through so many different type's of betrayal as i read your story i noticed,you were lied to,taken advantage of,manipulated and for that my heart hurts for you as those thing's alone are bad enough but it lead to a terrible addiction to heroin which is a very deadly drug and extremely hard to kick.So I usually post my personal story of addiction so people i respond to understand a little about myself and i will do that here as i was naive myself in the beginning of my struggle and honestly I think what happened to me with Ritalin which I did not choose made it possible for my addiction's to grow at an alarming rate and i guess lead to what you are trying to avoid which is ruined my life,the addiction's stole everything from me,including who i really am.I have been working on myself lately and i was completely sober finally after so much and technically many say i still am sober but it doesn't feel that way to me for this reason,i currently have to take a pain pill to be able to walk as i wait for knee surgery and once i got sober i had to find something to do to eliminate the stress and anxiety so i started running 4 miles a day and messed my knee up,i was told to stop running and lay in bed for 6-8 week's to heal my leg a bit before surgery but i simply cannot lay around in my memories of addiction and heal so i push on but unfortunately now i still wait on surgery and have a very hard time walking and yet every other day to every third day i must push through and try my best to run 4 miles and afterwards I can barely stand when i get home until the next time i can push through the pain and run or now more like power walk 4 miles and it really sucks as i hate taking the pill's and am stuck on the Dr's clock and multiple problems with medical insurance.I don't abuse them but yet I feel sad to take them even though now it's not to get high but still i can't wait to have my surgery and heal so i can finally get back to running and working through this struggleThis is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you.I hope this never catches you off guard because it will destroy you quick and that's why i shared my story so you can see what your addiction has to offer you and trust me you are worth so much more than your addiction has to offer.You asked how do you stop it from ruining your life and there is only one way,you must quit and get sober.I am not a Dr so i can't tell you how to do it safely because i don't know,i have recommended to other's the best advice i have to get sober safely which is slowly cut your dose until you can safely just stop and finish your detox but again im not a Dr so i can't be sure if that's the best way,however i know cold turkey can be deadly and i was lucky i survived it as it took 3 trips to the hospital to rehydrate me so that's the best i got.I'm sorry this response is so long but i hope it helps in some way.If you ever need to talk,vent,complain or whatever i am more than willing to listen and help as best i can.Stay Strong and God Bless you can beat this and you have already made progress by starting the conversation this is a very caring understanding community and we all do our best to help in any way possible so please continue to reach out we are here for you.Take Care
    deanokat likes this.
  4. adayinthelife

    adayinthelife Member

    I know it's cliche, but admitting you have a problem really is the first step. Be proud of the fact that you realize that this has to stop and that of it doesn't it could mean bad news for your life. Your parents and family don't have to know, not until your ready for that step. Are you seeing a counselor or therapist? I have always found those types of figures to be helpful in my life. Just something to consider... keep venting. To someone, anyone that you trust. It's a great first step to working through what your feeling inside.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener