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My BF is in rehab

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Chipmunk21, Nov 21, 2015.

  1. Chipmunk21

    Chipmunk21 Member

    My bf of 5 years has come and told me and his parents that he is struggling with addiction for 4 years. He was abusing painkillers on and off for 4 years and we had no idea. In retrospect, it is all so clear. It started with snorting oxi's, turned into dilaudid, and in the couple of months leading up to him asking to go to rehab, it turned into snorting heroin, because its cheaper. It's been 2 months that he's in rehab and seems to be doing great. The put him on suboxone, which I was upset about in the beginning, but came to terms with it. He had made the decision to start weaning off already and is Half way there. This had really tested my love for him. Did I mention we are 30 years old? We've been planning a life together. I just don't have much insight in my family or friend circle when it comes to this. I am 100% stocking by him but need to express to him at some point the anger, disappointment, lack if trust, etc. I just don't know when or how that comes about in a healthy manner. These past 2 months its been about how much we love and miss rag other and how much I support him and how bad he wants to help himself so we can have the life we planned. But I don't want these suppressed "bad" feelings to get swept away and then turn into resentment, and/or I flip out about it down the road. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. How do you express the anger and hurt? How do you Learn to trust again?
    Winterybella likes this.
  2. Shenwil

    Shenwil Senior Contributor

    Wow, it's hard knowing you been with him for so long and did not realize. I know you are upset with him about this I would ask that you hold on to this just until he is almost through with recovery because maybe just the thought that he hurt could make him relapse. Just don't keep sweeping it under the rug and forget your voice.
    Winterybella likes this.
  3. Chipmunk21

    Chipmunk21 Member

    Thanks. I mentioned to him that I'd like to try counseling for couples when he decides to come home. I'm hoping even if its 1 or 2 sessions, it will help. He seems to keep things from at the risk of hurting me or upsetting me. I recently expressed that by doing that, and then me finding things out later just makes it worse. I'm still biting my tongue. He has said he knows I have those feelings, so right now I'm just maybe waiti g for him to bring it up. I'm thinking with the 12 steps that might happen when he's ready to make amends? Idk

    Winterybella likes this.
  4. Chipmunk21

    Chipmunk21 Member

    Let me rephrase. It started with a back injury and prescribed oxi. Then turned into abuse.
  5. Nate5

    Nate5 Active Contributor

    I know you are upset, and I think the fact that you posted in this forum means you want this relationship to last. It's never too late to get help, and the fact that your boyfriend stepped up to admit that he is struggling with addiction is already taking the first step to change for the better. It was most certainly wrong of him to keep it hidden, and it is definitely a breach of trust. Communication is key in this period of time: communicate that you are hurt and that it will take time to heal. If you are willing to work through this, then I'm sure he is too.
    deanokat, Chipmunk21 and Winterybella like this.
  6. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there, @Chipmunk21. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing. I am sorry to hear about the struggles you're going through right now. I could really feel your pain. But yeah, it seems like your boyfriend really wants to quit all his addictions, and start anew with you. I must say, don't stress too much about the past, just try to focus on the present, and the future of both of you together.
    deanokat, Chipmunk21 and Winterybella like this.
  7. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    I think you can simply just tell him that what he is doing to himself is not healthy at all and you are upset by it. Tell it in a calm voice so that he won't feel threatened. Tell him you love him and care for him and you only want the best for him that's why you get hurt and angry everytime he uses drugs. I wish you all the best in telling him how you feel.
    deanokat and Chipmunk21 like this.
  8. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Chimpmunk, a hearty welcome to the forum. I wish you and your boyfriend a future filled with love and trust. I know you must feel betrayed and hurt by what might seem like deception for a very long time. You won't know why he held back from telling you sooner until it's discussed. At some point you'll need to address that to move forward with a fresh, CLEAN slate. Still, timing and great communication can make this much easier than you might anticipate.

    For now I think it's important to focus and his recovery. I think in relationships it's important to focus on the good and in this case he has to be commended for coming clean and wanting to fix things. He needs your full support at this time. Trust that everything will be okay and if counselling is deemed necessary please consider it.
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2015
    deanokat and Chipmunk21 like this.
  9. Chipmunk21

    Chipmunk21 Member

    Thank you so much for that. He has spoken about not telling me for so long because supposedly he thought he could handle it on his own and didn't want to disappoint me and/or lose me. It has come out that he was using on and off the 4 years, and then obviously got out of hand the last. He's the type of guy who wants to be the "man" in the relationship, and take care of me, so I can see this reason to be true. He just was never capable of doing that in later years because of the drug use.
    I am very much focusing on his recovery and very involved in his treatment, something that has recently become very appreciated by his counselor. I know the day will come that we will address my feelings, but I just don't want to opress them. Right now we are working towards him having visitations, and I'm just so happy to see him. Am I kidding myself? I don't think so, but it sits on the back of my head that maybe being too loving and caring might not be good. But I feel like he's doing so well, how can I not?
    Winterybella likes this.
  10. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Hi @Chipmunk21! Thank you for sharing your story with us and my warmest welcome to you in this forum. I understand the things that you are feeling right now because it's not really easy finding out that the person you love most has drug problems. It is but normal for an addicted person's loved one to feel some feelings of resentment, sadness and anger. That is why you are so commendable for being such a strong woman and a loving partner to your boyfriend. Focusing on your BF's recovery is a good thing but it is also important for you to be able to attend to your needs and feelings. Being able to vent out and share your story here is a great step in acknowledging yourself and your feelings so if ever you would need a place to seek refuge in the future, always feel free to post your concerns and we'll just be here to listen to you and give you unsolicited advice. :)
    deanokat and Chipmunk21 like this.
  11. LoveEcho

    LoveEcho Community Champion

    First of all, I think it's wonderful you're sticking by him! You have every reason to be angry and feel betrayed, those are just natural feelings. My best advice is to seek counseling, most rehab facilities offer this. If the one he's at doesn't there's tons of free or low cost quality counseling out there, you just have to look. This is probably the only way you'll be able to express how you feel in a healthy manor and safe environment, you need a professional to help you both through this. Remember addiction affects everyone, not just the addict.

    I wish you the best of luck, you're a very strong woman and if you made this far with him, it's worth saving.
    Winterybella, deanokat and Chipmunk21 like this.
  12. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Good thing he decided to be in a rehab and seek help. He will need motivation in that phase and hope that he can totally get rid of the addiction. It will be hard but it is possible as other have done that or have fully recovered.
  13. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Well usually the rehab has family sessions or family groups, that go along with the recovery process. That seems like a safe forum to express some of those feelings. Also, you may want to go to the counselor assigned to his case to see when an appropriate time might be to discuss these things. The fact that in some ways what happened to him wasn;t necessarily instigated by him should give you some comfort.
  14. dkelly

    dkelly Active Contributor

    You have feelings that you want to acknowledge and that is okay. Does the program include counseling for the family? I have found that the best way to do something that is outside your scope is to use a professional. Go to someone who can facilitate an atmosphere where you can express yourself freely without worrying that you are causing harm.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Chipmunk21... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm so happy that your boyfriend finally admitted his problem and sought help. That's a huge step.

    Loving an addict is incredibly challenging. As the father of a son in recovery from heroin addiction, I have experienced the struggle firsthand. I highly recommend that you check out a book called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's an amazing book written specifically for loved ones of addicts. It talks about how to communicate with love and empathy, how to talk to your loved one in a way that can help motivate them to change and stay clean and sober, and how to take care of yourself. It's a book I wish I would've had when my son was struggling with addiction. I think it would really help you a lot. (IMO, It would be great if you read the book before talking to your boyfriend about how his behavior makes you feel.)

    I will keep you and your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that we are here to help and support you any way we can. So don't hesitate to reach out if you need to.

    Peace and hugs.

    P.S. You can read more about that book in this blog I wrote:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One
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  16. Dwayneu

    Dwayneu Community Champion

    Welcome to the forum, @Chipmunk21

    It is absolutely okay to be angry and upset, but remember to also give your boyfriend a chance. He is in rehab, he wants to reboot and fix his life, and he probably loves you as much as he claims, or even more so now that you are supporting him and helping him with the biggest demon of his life. Be the support system that fixes him, not just for him, but for both of you, and then your relation will be built on stable grounds. Good luck!
  17. tasha

    tasha Community Listener Community Listener

    It is so difficult to trust again and it takes a lot of time and work in a relationship. An addiction is something that can be fixed by rehab but it will be a battle for the rest of your lives as the struggle will never go away. Addicts have to fight to stay sober for their entire lives after rehab and being a partner of an addict means that you need to have patience and be strong. Honesty and being open with your communication is a very important part of being in this relationship because you cannot bottle up how you both feel and you also need to be able to approach each other when you feel bad. Go to a psychologist after rehab and allow yourself to express how you feel either in words or on paper. Your partner has already gone through the steps and will know that he/she has hurt the ones that he loves and he also knows that he will have to gain back trust. If you truly love him and you want a life with him then you need to understand that you will be battling with the addiction issues for the rest of your lives, there is no escaping it.
  18. Chipmunk21

    Chipmunk21 Member

    His counselor now is great with him, and I just revel entry opened the lines of communications with him because there was no communication. And that was not ok with me. But when it comes to family counseling, his counselor is new to the game. He went through Phoenix House in 2012. And decided to become a counselor after that. He's young and still learning. So I think I might have to seek different counseling when my bf comes home
  19. Chipmunk21

    Chipmunk21 Member

    Thank you. For that! I will definitely look into that book and pass that information along to his mother who also seems to be struggling with her ambitions. How long has your son been in recovery? How is he and your family doing?
    deanokat likes this.
  20. dkelly

    dkelly Active Contributor

    I definitely think you should follow your gut on this. If you think it would be better to seek out a more experienced counselor then by all means do it. This is about getting fully recovery for the happiness of your family. Do what you feel is best.
    deanokat likes this.