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my boyfriend is suicidal and abuses cocaine

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by ahmalone, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. ahmalone

    ahmalone Member

    ive been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half, we are both in our 20s. he has depression and anxiety and he refuses to get professional help for it. he constantly misses work because of it and then beats himself up about missing out on the money. he has what one would consider “bad luck” because inconvenient things keep happening to him from his car constantly needing repairs to his phone getting broken often. he gets upset about having to spend money on those things too. recently, he has been so upset and stressed out that he always makes remarks like “i just wish i would get hit by a car, it would be so much easier” “i should just kill myself” and other suicidal things. i always tell him not to talk like that because it upsets me and it’s unhealthy. i have begged him to get help and he says he wants to but i know he’s scared because it’ll make him feel weak. just this past weekend, he confessed to me that he spent hundreds of dollars on cocaine and “thought he overdosed” because he did so much. i know he did this to numb his pain, and possibly to try to die. this has put a huge strain on our relationship because i can’t force him to get help but i love him so much and don’t want to leave him when he’s so low. he tells me he’ll get help “this week” or “soon” constantly but things keep getting worse and worse. i don’t know how to go forward from here.
  2. XXIVdysphoria

    XXIVdysphoria Active Contributor

    That’s a very tough situation and my heart goes out to you. Loving another human being is difficult. As for your immediate problem if you believe him to be actively suicidal then you can interven with law enforcement and medical help. They will put him under observation in a hospital for 72 hours while he’s evaluated and given medication. If you truly believe he may hurt himself please please do this. You will not rest if something happens and you stood by afraid to interact because of the ramifications. If you love him do everything in your power to save his life. After the hold at the hospital and talking to doctors, if he then still hurts himself you did everything you could. I know this is hard and seems like a betrayal but trust me, better him angry or hurt then dead. Mental illness and cries for help are not taken seriously enough and this sounds like a cry. Do this also for you, if he’s under the influence he may hurt you then in a realization of what’s been done hurt himself. Please seek help immediately. Keep us posted.
    Dominica likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. Thank you for sharing. It can be very challenging to be with someone who has mental health issues and they're not willing to reach out for support. I do agree that if you think he's suicidal, then you should reach out to law enforcement to have him committed. They can evaluate him and that will be his opportunity to reach out for the help that he obviously needs. Sure he might get mad at you, but don't let that stop you if you feel he is serious. I did this one time when someone I knew was threatening suicide. She was very mad at me for a while, but she and other people that I knew learned that I take suicidal threats very seriously and will take action. It's nothing to play around with.

    If it were me, I would have to set a boundary, requiring him to get professional help or it would very well be a deal breaker for me. I deserve to have a relationship with someone who will at least work on their issues if and when they come up, and so do you. It doesn't mean that we bolt when things get tough, but I just require a partner who will take full responsibility for their lives, including their emotional lives, and reach out for help if they need. But that's just me.

    I do hope that he will reconsider getting some help. if not, and things continue like this, then you may have to ask yourself the serious questions like, "is this how i want my life to go? year after year dealing with this?" tough questions, but necessary.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ahmalone... Welcome to the community. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this with your boyfriend, but I'm glad you reached out. You obviously care about him very much.

    @XXIVdysphoria is right: Loving another human being is difficult. But when you factor in addiction and mental health issues for that human being, things get incredibly challenging.

    I think @XXIVdysphoria gave you some terrific advice. If you think your boyfriend is serious about possibly harming himself, report it to the police and have him evaluated. Your boyfriend probably won't like you doing that, but I think it's always better to be safe than sorry.

    @Dominica's suggestion about setting boundaries is a great one, too. If your boyfriend isn't willing to get help, his condition and behavior will continue, and likely get worse. Is that what you want to live with going forward? I doubt it. Yes, you love him. But you have to put your own well-being at the top of your priority list. And staying with someone who refuses to get help for their addiction and mental health issues is not going to be a good thing for you.

    Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us this about a loved one's addiction:

    "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."

    Those words are 100% true. If your boyfriend doesn't want to work on changing, your hands are pretty much tied. You can't make him change or fix him, no matter how much you want to.

    Please take good care of yourself. You're going through some tough stuff, and self-care is absolutely necessary. Don't allow yourself to get so caught up in your boyfriend's situation that you start letting your own physical and mental health suffer. YOUR life matters, too, my dear.

    We are here for you. If you need help, support, advice, or just some people to listen to you vent, you can count on us. In the meantime, I'm sending you tons of positive energy, love, light, and hope. And I will keep your boyfriend in my thoughts and prayers, too.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @ahmalone First off I sympathise with you,secondly I have A.D.H.D. so if this is all over the place forgive me.Your both in your early 20's.... It's a tough time at that age,we are supposed to go from being dependent to being dependable and it's not easy.From what I read I hear of young love..such a beautiful thing but not easy to maintain.Its quite obvious you love him dearly and he feels that,i know I've been there.He probably feels like he is failing you and his suicidal comments are probably coming from a place of love,like he think's you would be better off without him...I felt this way before and honestly I still do and it hurt's to admit but my wife who I have been separated from for over 3 year's after almost 20 year's of marriage...ya she deserves better. I got married at 19 year's old to a woman who was 30 and she had 3 kid's by another man and I was on more dope than "Scarface" at the time yet I said my vows and took them serious,the biological father was not in the picture so I worked my as* off to try and take care of them all. I was in the hospital for over 1 year everyday with my stepson while he fought for his life against cancer,i remember having my wife contact the birth dad to speak to his son as we weren't sure if he would live"Thank God he did and is still cancer free"however the birth dad called and told his dieing son"Call me when you feel better"and hung up as I watched the tears run down his face I hugged him and promised him I would never leave his side but a fire was lite in my soul...At this time I was 21 making 60000 a year I was doing it...or so I thought then I dove deeper into several addictions,trying to be a husband,father,provider,all while doing every drug I could get my hands on,sorry I got off track..My point being it got to the point I chased death because divorce was not part of the deal I said "For better or worse until death do us part"and I meant it then and now,so my journey to die was not because I truly wanted to die rather I took an oath under God I could not break and I knew I was failing my wife and family so I sought death to set her free,Now older and more mature I realize I didn't need to die, I needed to get sober and heal physically and emotionally. I'm now 37 and my wife is about to be 50 and it is I who holds onto hope that one day she will see I was a young man when we married and I tried to fill some big shoe's all while stuck in addictions grasp.Talk to him let him know you will be by his side every step of the way as long as it takes as long as he stays sober.Reinforce your love for him,not what he can give you throw financial means,let him know it's the man he is inside that you love,inside his heart not his wallet. True Love can mend damn near anything but finding a way to make that resonate may not always be so easy.Tell him you want to go to NA for you so YOU have a support network and invite him to go along with you,hearing other's bare their shame and pain can have a very powerful impact on a person's heart and it just may work.Stay Strong and God Bless
    Dominica and deanokat like this.