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My brother's addiction is tearing mg family apart

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Isosupport, Feb 3, 2020.

  1. Isosupport

    Isosupport Member


    My brother has had addiction and mental health issues since adolescence. In recent years his addiction has escalated to the point that his wife has an order of protection against him for herself and her two young children. My parents enable my brother, are codependent with him and deeply enmeshed in his life, and take care of his kids full time. This leaves my parents with almost no time or energy for me and my family (I have a young child with whom my parents barely spend any time). The extreme imbalance in time and effort my parents give my brother and his family vs me and my family is causing building resentment and hurt with my wife and I to the point that we are actually talking about becoming estranged from my parents altogether. We have tried talking to them about it many times but they are as sick as my brother so nothing ever changes. We have proposed family therapy but they just say they're not "therapy people " and refuse to participate. My parents say the situation with my brother and his kids is a "crisis" and they are managing it as best they can. However, we feel they are choosing to babysit his kids some 50 hours per week when they could simply ask their mother to put them in daycare and have more time for us. Any advice? Are my wife and I being unreasonable? I would be interested to hear from anyone who has had similar experience. Thanks for reading.
  2. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Wish I had something good to tell you welcome to the forum @Isosupport . It sounds like you understand addiction and codependency they normally do go hand in hand as one keeps the other going.

    On one side I can see why they are doing what they do because those kids dont deserve to go through that and I'd say that is somewhat of a crisis.

    On your side of things that definitely sounds unfair but what can they do. It for sure sounds like your brother could use some tough let go with love till he hits the bottom but yea until then most likely wont be a change that manifests in him.

    Sounds like your in a tuff spot. I dont think your being unreasonable but this situation is a tuff one and common unfortunately.
    True concern likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    After reading I agree 100%.The only thing I might suggest trying is let your parents know in person that it has come to the point if they don't atleast try to be apart of your lives because they are so pre occupied with your brother that you and your wife are considering moving on with your lives without them all together because the hurt and resentment cannot continue to grow as it's causing severe emotional pain in your lives and it's not fair to the grandchild you and your wife have given to them,make it set in,make them hear and understand you and I suggest eye contact as you explain so they can really see this is perhaps your final attempt.I don't like the advice I just gave but unfortunately if your considering becoming estranged from them anyway it is worth trying.

    I pray it all works out for your entire family.

    Stay Strong and God Bless you All
  4. IanPullman

    IanPullman Member

    I have been a foster mother to a teenage boy for many years, and his biological dad is in the same situation. The workers from the agency told me about this situation and how much it affected him and his siblings. I think you need to put yourself in the shoes of those children and understand how much more love they need. However, your child also deserves to know their grandparents, and you need to have a talk with them about this situation. It would help if you let them know how you and your wife feel while still understanding the situation of everyone involved.