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my crack story.

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by fixxxer2019, Jun 15, 2019.

  1. fixxxer2019

    fixxxer2019 Member

    this is my story and I believe sharing it is critical in my recovery.

    I'm a 43 year old male. I have impulsivity and bipolar disorder. I've always bought things I didn't need or spent money wrecklessly. I had an addiction for seeing women and escorts as well before. the story I'm about to tell is watered down as it would be too long to write. I'm your average Joe who was in the wrong place with the wrong people at the right time to become a crack cocaine addict.

    I met this girl on an escort website in august 2018. she lived north of me, about 30min away. I was super manic that day. long story short when we met she handed me a pipe and asked if I wanted to try it. stupid enough I did and didn't even think to ask what it was. I had no idea it was crack, if anything I thought it was weed. I was naive, I didn't use drugs before. I was immediately hooked and didn't find out it was crack until a few days later. I went on a 3 day binge with her and her family. I didn't come home, I spent all of my money too. and yes I said her "family". I soon found out her mom, dad and siblings all used drugs as well.

    when the girl got tired of me she politely but swiftly handed me off to her mom and dad and I continued to use with them. I missed worked. clocked in and hung out with them instead. used my sons and my wife's money to buy crack. I even started filling drug dealers cars up with gas on my companies dime for drugs. I was hooked pretty bad almost immediately.

    I can't list all of the stupid things I've done for crack but a few are:

    quit my job of 3 years.
    kept dissapearing for days on end.
    drove these people to various stores so they could shoplift.
    drove the women to their tricks.
    allowed them to smoke crack in my car.

    I tried to quit twice before and never made it beyond 3 weeks. I tried N/A and while the group talk was helpful I absolutely dispised their philosophy. I tried various doctors and meds. my therepists cut me off because I was a drug addict. the state and county couldn't help me either as there was long waiting lists for detox and or therepy. nothing seemed to work so I continued using.

    eventually my wife became an addict as well after I talked her Into trying it. now there was two addicts in my house. it's like a contagious diesese with no end in sight. my wife lost her job in the process too.

    to sum it up I couldn't keep a job because I either used all of my paychecks on crack or I was stealing from my companies. I couldn't pass drug tests for new employment. wasn't paying my bills, feeding my kids. even brushing my teeth or taking showers became tidious and not a priority. I thought I was a big shot having a dealer that called himself my friend and would look out for us. boy was I wrong. the drug makes you a zombie. it lies to you, it reprograms your brain. all it wants is you to use more, even if you don't get high any longer " which I wasn't ". I soon came to the realization that those people and my dealer weren't my friends. a friend wouldn't sell you drugs or put you in harm's way.

    my wife and I are 14 days clean today. there came a time we both had enough and stopped using. we were about to loose our home. our kids found out we were using and threatened to tell the family or call the police. we finally realized the lie the drugs offered. we finally saw we were going nowhere and would end up homeless drug addicts. we're lucky we weren't in jail or even worse dead. my wife was a shell of herself. she lost weight, was gaunt. she was having panic attacks and cocaine phycosis. I was feeling like **** every day, i gained 50 pounds from eating like a pig after using "over a 10 month period". our life's were a wreck and to say the least became unmanageable. we finally decided to make a change. we cut off our dealers and eliminated negative Influences. we both have new jobs. it feels good to be clean even though it's only been a few weeks. I think the physical withdrawal is done but the mental withdrawal is still here and it's a bitch, I can tell you that. I can't speak for my wife but I'm either tired, depressed, void type feeling and can't make myself happy if I tried too. while things are slowly getting better I know it's a long road ahead to full recovery. it feels good to not rely on dealers or drugs to function. these 14 days sober have done more for me than the 10 months I wasted being a junkie.

    the moral of the story is stay far away from crack. it's the devil. also it's absolutely possible to achieve sobriety without 12 steps or rehab/treatment centers it just takes will power and allot of patience. sometimes I wish I could get back my old life before drugs. I now realize that can't ever happen. we will have to start over from scratch.

    thanks for listening.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
    MrBad likes this.
  2. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    you said your kids intervened. you were threatened before you considered quiting. thats a pretty major intervention. and you also said you are only 14 days clean. already back at work already gained 50 pounds thats 25 pounds a week!
    anyway not to nitpick your story i also believ ccrack is evil. cocaine is bad ffor sure. i used to mix it with heroin and shoot it. i understand how it can reprigramm you and fast to. nut if you just got a job then your just coming up on your first paychecks and you said youve never been able to make it to 3 weeks 21 days...
    so mabey don't consider yourself out of the woods yet my friend because it hasnt even been long enough for your brain to equalize yet.
    and im sorry but i do disagree that you need some type of therapy or counseling...i'm not sure why they would drop you for addiction. i mean thats why your going right?
    i'd love to talk think you can clarify a few things and stay on the sober path. it's the only way.
  3. fixxxer2019

    fixxxer2019 Member

    no I gained 50lbs in the 10 months I used. sorry as I didn't proof read what I wrote. yes it's only been 2 weeks but I'm fairly confident I'll never use again. yes you read right, my therepist dropped me and unfortunately where I live there is tremendously long waiting lists for rehab. I'm doing pretty good so far detoxing at home.

    yes my kids threatened us and that kick-started us quitting. i was never happy doing the drug anyways so that helped as well. I think at least for me there comes a time when enoughs enough and you have to quit.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
  4. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    you gained weight because you smoked cocaine for 10 months? come on man.look are you using?
    why are you at home? i thought you were back at work?
    dont you see this makes no sense...
    Dominica likes this.
  5. fixxxer2019

    fixxxer2019 Member

    look I'm not sure what your implying here but no as I said it's been two weeks since I've used last. if you know anything about crack you can gain weight from overeating "binge eating" when you come down or when you can't use. my wife had the opposite effect and lost weight. every person reacts different. yes I'm at home, didnt you read my story? it's Saturday I dont work weekends. I really don't care if you believe me or not but it's the truth. aside from the occasional depression and brain fog I'm feeling good and happy to be sober. I thought this was a support website? I'm not here to be critized because I went through something different than you.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
  6. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    Not what I meant. I know it being the weekend that could could be off or on. You just said You were detoxing at home. If your problem,was so severe I was just wondering how this came about that you now have a job with weekends off. But are still detoxing. This is hella impressive. And you usually don't here about this. One addict talking to another man. Im,not jumping on you.
    And you yourself saw how what you wrote was confusing.
    Just trying to make sense of this. Like I said i banged it for a long time. Yes I know how this drug does you.
    I'm trying to welcome you to,the forum, with an understanding of where your at. How is your wife?
  7. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    Well how about your wife. She feeling better?
  8. fixxxer2019

    fixxxer2019 Member

    I have no Insurance and as I said I couldn't get into rehab because of long waiting lists. we're both doing fairly well considering. shes working again and feeling better by the day. i know we both have a long ways to go to full sobriety. I also know crack is a helluva hard drug to quit, especially on your own. but we're doing the best we can until we can either get health insurance or can afford sum type of therepy.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
  9. fixxxer2019

    fixxxer2019 Member

    sorry if I seemed defensive. unfortunately part of withdrawal is aggression and short attention span.
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  10. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    And i think that's great. I applaude you my friend. Your wife also. Sorry the rough start but we are a support group,and the best for me that I've ever come,across. I'm hittingthe sack its late here but feel,free to vent talk,whatever.
    And happy almost Fathers Day!
  11. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    No problem at all.
    My last post should let you know how I feel.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @fixxxer2019... Thanks for coming here and sharing your story with us. It can be incredibly cathartic and therapeutic to write about our problems. I admire your courage for having done so.

    Big congrats to you and your wife on your 14 days of clean time. Take things a day at a time and keep doing the next right thing. And be grateful that your kids care about you.

    We're here for you anytime you need help, support, or a place to get things off your chest.
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  13. fixxxer2019

    fixxxer2019 Member


    thanks. that's what we're doing. taking it a day at a time.
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Sounds good, @fixxxer2019. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour or minute at a time. Whatever it takes to keep on track. Proud of you and your wife!
    Joshstillclean and Dominica like this.
  15. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @fixxxer2019 i'm also proud of you...14 days is a great accomplishment! keep going!

    and thank you for sharing your story here.
    Joshstillclean and fixxxer2019 like this.
  16. fixxxer2019

    fixxxer2019 Member

    thanks I'm pretty proud of myself and my wife as well. quitting this time around is much easier than the past 2 times I tried.

    does anyone know how long the physological withdrawal can last? I feel as the physical part is done. the worst part I'm currently experiencing is:

    a void: similar to mourning.
    brain fog.
    depression.

    other than that I can honestly say I'd never go back to using crack. but I also know I need to stay away from triggers and negative influences from now on. it feels good to be free for the most part. to be working again and slowly building trust with our kids again.
    deanokat and Joshstillclean like this.
  17. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    does anyone know how long the physological withdrawal can last? I feel as the physical part is done. the worst part I'm currently experiencing is:

    a void: similar to mourning.
    brain fog.
    depression.

    this is a hard one to answer as it differs so much from person to person. But i'm gonna tellyou how it went for me as shooting and smoking are the closest of any two ways of using. so our wxperiences might be similiar.

    now i did NOT stop everything at once, as i had said before i was mixing my shots.. so tale that nto consideration. your system might clean out faster.
    for me i noticed depression and lack of wanting to do anything a serious blah-for about three weeks.
    the brain fog ( i called it cog fog) pretty sure same thing...it lasted a good 2 months and gradually got better as time went on. thenn one day i just noticed ii wasn't thinking about it anymore.
    but it's different for everyone. this was just my experience. honestly the first month was the worst of physical and mental. by the second month i felt ok again.
    and i didnt use any other type of upper to help either. i didn't even increase my caffine intakek although i have heard that that helps alot if you dont overdo it.
    SLEEP! I cannot recommend a good nights rest enough that helps sooo much.
    But glad to hear you are feeling encouraged.
    deanokat and fixxxer2019 like this.
  18. fixxxer2019

    fixxxer2019 Member

    21 days today and I'm feeling good .now I have to start working towards loosing some of the weight I put on.
    deanokat likes this.
  19. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Congrats on the 3 weeks, @fixxxer2019! That’s fantastic! Just keep going! Proud of you! :D
    fixxxer2019 and Joshstillclean like this.
  20. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    Almost a month. WOW! You know just yesterday i posted something about how disheartening it was to have people come on and post and never hear from them again.

    This news has made me happy. Half of my life (for the most part) was taken by addiction. So I really root for anyone who tries to get clean. OH MAN it's hard to do.
    I honestly was wondering if we were gonna hear back...I audibly cheered for you even theres noone here to hear me. I'm happy for you. I'm a very emotional person, always have been.
    You have beaten your active addiction. You my friend are in the minority there. And it's a minority to be proud to be a part of.
    I'd love to hear more good news from you if you ever feel like it.
    Be blessed.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.