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My drug abuse chronicles

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Bbkrr, Oct 29, 2018.

  1. Bbkrr

    Bbkrr Member

    I just stumbled upon this website today, my (not so first), first day clean. I am 17 years old and in a thread I created earlier I mentioned how I began abusing benzos at the measly age of 12/13. I came across the right (well actually wrong) kind of friends, in which i was showered in klonopin. I used to cover my palm with little .5's and devour all of them. I didnt even really like the high, i just liked being capable of not feeling for once. I smoked weed for the first time at 13. And then I began abusing stimulants such as adderall around 14 after I had been prescribed them for ADD. I tripped mushrooms for the first time when i was 14 as well. I dabbled and binged, quit and picked up countless times. But heres where it goes real sour, at 15 i did my very first line of coke. Just a teensy line but enough to truly jumpstart my addiction from experimenting to dependency. I knew better than to try it due to my genetics and family history. After that, just that one time I was totally obsessed, I'd dream about it nearly every night, day dreamed about it in school. I eventually devloped stomach ulcers from the stress of my lifestyle, from vomiting so often, and from the simple health affects of abusing drugs. Also I always had a cold or respiratory infections because my immune system was nearly non existent. I'm a little under 5'8 and at this point I weighed only 111 pounds. When I couldnt have it, I'd take any drug put in front of me (mostly xanax but also ritalin, codeine, promethazine, percocets, adderall) I was a monster. I skipped school, I escaped out of my bedroom window and jumped off the roof (moderately injured my back btw) but still limped across town just to go cop, lied, stole, ran away, taken home by the police countless times. I was out of control and totally unpredictable. Eventually I got picked up by the police in the middle of the night and was hauled off to a juvenile facility. And let me tell yall something, the only thing worse than waking up in a place like that is waking up and knowing there was no way in hell I was getting my fix. And at the point in my life, that was the only reason I ever bothered getting out of bed, that was the only thing I held onto for dear life. The bright lights, the white walls, the white floors, the yelling, etc was all hellish while i was detoxing. The traumatizing things i experienced while I was in placement scared me out of doing drugs, but little did I know in the long run it'd simply change my taste in narcotics. From there I was court ordered to an adolescent rehab center, I took it seriously and did everything I was asked to with great passion. I felt blessed to be there, it was the first time I'd ever gotten drug treatment specifically. Before that I had only been in facilities for my mental health. I turned 16 there, they kept me for about 3 months and I went home. I stayed sober for the first 6 months, and then I started playing around with the damn klonopins and xans AGAIN. But this time when i took them, I LOVED the high it gave me. And I link that to the amount of anxiety and stress I was under while I was locked up. I no longer cared for stimulants like I once did, I showed zero interest in them. Instead I discovered my (not actually new) but new liking for xans and kpins. I was eating them like candy and declining very fast. Luckily, my boyfriend who I met when I came home, knocked me back on track. I dont know how he has just by simply using his words, but he helped me out so much. Neither of my parents could stop me, not my brother, not my sober friends, not the police, and not my teachers or principals at school. However, my significant other was able to express to me how much it hurt him seeing me in such a state and strangely enough it made me WANT to stop. However with or without (god forbid) him, i have a long road of sobriety to stick to. It always seems rather hard to stay clean because I started so young. And unfortunately for me and im sure other people, once you feel a pleasurable high at such a young age, its hard to move away from that. A developing , little brain being exposed to so many "fun" chemicals has truly been one of my biggest downfalls. Im always tired, im a bit moody, a bit distracted, i think everything is boring and im just now working on graduating high school. Im way behind all of my peers when it comes to typical milestones (getting a drivers license, getting a car, picking out a college, etc.) So little life experience but so much experience with drugs sometimes makes me feel like long term sobriety is far fetched. I know much better than that though and I will keep fighting the temptation off. My goals right now are to graduate this year and get my damn licence LOL. Thank you for reading, any feedback is appreciated <3
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I have to give this some serious thought as I am tired,I have been on here most of the day and I just got back from an N/A meeting. I will say this you are digging very deep and I commend you for that it's vital to your recovery, however your thread deserves a better response than this,I owe that to you for taking this seriously and I promise after I get some rest I will respond to you in great length because I believe you, I believe you want help, I believe you can be something amazing. I am recovering junkie of over 20 year's, I'm way behind the social curve for people my age,your only 17 even if your a bit behind, your no where near 20 year's back and though I am so far behind,even after all the dope my IQ is still only 3 points shy of being a genius and I could care less about that,I care about you.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat, Dominica and Bbkrr like this.
  3. Bbkrr

    Bbkrr Member

    So uplifting and encouraging, i appreciate it so much, i cant express it enough. You are so strong, its hard to fathom 5.5 years of this disease nevermimd 20+ years, thats hell and back truly. Get some good rest, and stay blessed. I'd love to hear back from you after u get some sleep!
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Without doubt you will hear back.Good night and God Bless
    deanokat, Dominica and Bbkrr like this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hey there. Thank you for sharing more about your past with us here. I'm glad that you're wanting to stay on the sobriety Road, and as you know it's going to take a good bit of commitment and discipline. Perhaps you experiencing this at a young age at such a deep level can help you make some serious changes moving forward and spare you from 5, 10 or 20 years of the hellish roller coaster ride of drug addiction. So at 17 you can start on this new path determined to never pick up again not for any reason. (Because the reasons all turn out to be lies anyway)

    I'm glad that you have some goals for this year. I'm curious as to know what type of support system you have. Do you have a counselor that you work with consistently? Any sort of support group? Do you have any hobbies that you could get involved in with others who would be a good influence? What are your dreams and passions in life? Is there something that you see yourself doing down the road professionally? What kind of Life do you want to live?

    Sometimes I find this exercise helps me. Let's say 3 years down the road, how do I want my life to look? So I will pretend that it's 3 years in the future. And write in present tense how my life is going.

    For example, I might write a letter like this.

    "Today, I'm celebrating my XX birthday. I'm so happy to be alive and experiencing so many wonderful things. My life is truly amazing. My partner is the bomb! Treats me like a queen. My kids are doing so good... on all levels! I am financially secure and this feels freaking amazing. I'm also doing what I love every day. I'm healthy and I choose for the most part healthy foods for my body. I'm also in great shape, and I've been enjoying many hikes in beautiful nature. I'm planning my travel itinerary for the remainder of the year. So excited about this!"

    I could go on and on but I think you get the point. I will tell you that I wish I would have done this when I was 17. I wish I would have been half as conscious as I am now. I always seemed to just go with the flow and not have any concrete goals for my life. Although I was drunk and crashed into a house at age 19, and well yeah, that got me going to AA for a while and did help me determine I didn't want alcohol in my life.

    Start co-creating the kind of life you want just as you are right now. By being mindful of your past, of your present, how you want your future to look. I know I've taken up a bunch of your time, but just felt like sharing this with you today
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    So good to know I'm not the only one that crashed into a house....but my car was upside down with the left turn signal flashing.Good God I use to do some dumb sh*t
    deanokat likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Oh and the 3 year present tense thing...awesome. Count me in