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My Emotional rollercoaster

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by True concern, Oct 31, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Yet another thread to clear my head,the addictive thoughts that torments and roots,the ability to see the fear in me,not fear of death or that one last breath,I heard what she said and it stuck in my head,the look on her face as I start to replace the blackness inside,she smiled with pride and almost cried,I turn around to a lonely sound,where is the noise of laughter and joy,I was almost to late is this my fate,to keep her here as I'm always near,she almost died today with pride,she's proud of her son has it finally begun.

    I am a believer in God always have been always will be but today I was really tested,my inner strength,my resolve,my ability to believe put on the line.

    My mom told me yesterday "Son when my job here is done the Lord will take me home and you will be the man I know you can be,the man your working so hard to become"My mom is very sick and has been my entire life, she has been fighting diabetes for over 30 year's and her kidneys are starting to fail,when she passes it's on me to take care of my brother who has a learning disability and my 7 year old sister and I accept that responsibility no second thoughts needed,this journey is for me but also for them.In the past 10 month's I have matured and come to realize earth is not my play ground,as a man I am finally growing up and taking responsibility for the first time in my life. My mom was almost gone today, as I looked up I could see she was out cold,slipping into a diabetic coma, not the first time this has happened so I immediately started treating her like I always have and it wasn't helping she slipped deeper and deeper for over 30 minutes I struggled to get her to come back,to wake up,open her eye's, say something, anything..just don't go I thought as I started to cry.Out of no where in the midst of this struggle I remembered her saying God would take her when her job was done,I then thought fu*k my sobriety, my fixing me,the pride she felt...this was it,my changing my life was her last job,I immediately thought I need to get a 6 pack and drink so she can live,I need to fu*k up so God will let her stay,at this moment I am lost,empty,void of rational thought, I considered throwing it away in a panic but I decided some how not to,I thought if she is leaving today she can leave proud,happy,in peace,finally knowing I would do my part after so I just kept working on her and very slowly she woke up,came to completely and I told her what had happened and what my thoughts were and that made her cry.Today has been very emotional and I am still sober some how,some way,I believe God was with us both today.Sorry I just had to get this out of my head.I pray you all have a blessed day, I know I have.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat likes this.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern

    What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing this with us. We get a glimpse of your true feelings and thoughts as you navigate life as it comes. I'm sure those times with your mother can be scary. And I'm sure she is quite proud of you for the changes you've made the past 10 months. I do believe that it will be comforting for you when she does make her transition that she was able to leave while seeing you free from addiction. Watching you grow and take responsibility for yourself and others.

    Those fleeting moments when all is chaotic in your mind like that, that's a good time to have a sponsor to call. Just saying. I'm glad that you were able to bring your mother back and I hope that you too will continue to build your relationship, a stronger relationship for as many days as she has left here.

    I hope today goes well for you. Sending you big love!
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... Thank you so much for your post. Man, you are dealing with SO much. I just want you to know that I'm proud of you for how you're handling things. And I'm proud of you for not throwing away your sobriety yesterday. Hell, I'm just proud of you for so many reasons.

    I lost my dad a few years ago and it was tough. But he was sick, too, and a lifelong alcoholic. His passing made me feel like he was finally at peace again. When I think of it that way, it makes things easier. Of course, I didn't have the added responsibilities that you will take on when your mother passes away. That's a lot to take on, for sure, but I think you have the strength to do it. And I know you have the strength to do it sober, too.

    My favorite author, Anne Lamott, has a new book out called Almost Everything: Notes on Hope. In it, she discusses death. I just wanted to share this paragraph with you:

    "I promise that the people you lose here on this side of eternity, whom you can no longer call or text, will live fully again both in your heart and in the world. They will make you smile and talk out loud at the most inappropriate times. Of course, their absence will cause lifelong pangs of homesickness, but grief, friends, time, and tears will heal you to some extent. Tears will bathe, baptize, and hydrate you and the seeds beneath the surface of the ground on which you walk. Somehow, as we get older, death becomes as sacred as birth, and while we don’t exactly welcome it, death becomes a friend."

    I hope you have a wonderful day, Arthur. Please know how much we love and care about you.
    True concern likes this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I believe your telling me the truth when you say you love and care about me, and the feeling is mutual, it helps it really does..Thank you all
    deanokat likes this.