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My father needs help!

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Star, Oct 2, 2018.

  1. Star

    Star Member

    Hey everyone, so im new to this group and a little nervous to share my fathers drug addiction but I need advice and help! I’m 25 years old and my father has been on crack ever since I was a little girl! This is a long time/years to be on drugs! My father is now 65 years old and is still using! I have had talks with him about his addiction as well as the family but he hasn’t even admitted to having a problem nor will he stop. He has been taking methadone for many years as well and still uses methadone while still being on crack. I know this is a deadly combination and he knows it but he isn’t strong enough to get off of drugs. I want my father to get help but don’t know of any other ways to help him. I need advice because this has hurt me for so many years and I can’t take it no more!
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Star. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, but I'm glad you found us and decided to reach out. Don't be nervous! We're all pretty nice people and we care. :)

    Your father has been using for a long time, so I'm wondering if he'll ever be ready to quit. One thing that Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us about a loved one's addiction is: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I urge you to keep those words in mind as you continue to deal with your dad's situation. No matter how much you'd like to see him change, HE is the only person who can make that happen.

    I'm assuming that you've talked to him about his addiction over the years, right? Have you told him how it makes YOU feel? And that you'd really like him to get help? If you have, and if he hasn't taken any steps in the direction of recovery, you may just have to resign yourself to the fact that he may never change.

    The most important thing you can do is to take good care of yourself. None of your dad's issues are your fault. And you are the only person you have complete control over. So it's a good thing to practice self-care and keep yourself as healthy--physically and mentally--as possible. Letting your father's addiction have control over how you feel is easy to do, but it's only going to make you miserable. So try to let go of as much as you can. I'm wondering if you've ever gone to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting. If you haven't, you might want to find one in your area and check it out. There's a lot of help and comfort to be found amongst others who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. You may also want to find a therapist and try counseling. My therapist played a key role in me getting my life back on track when my son was in the throes of his addiction. I'm a big advocate for therapy.

    Consider educating yourself on the subject of addiction, too. There are some wonderful books out there that could help you, I think. One is called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for parents and partners of people struggling with addiction, but I recommend it to any loved one of an addict. It's full of great information on how to communicate with your loved one, how to help convince them to want to change, and how to take good care of yourself while you're dealing with their issues.

    We are here to offer help, support, and a listening ear. If you need advice or just need to vent, you can do that here. You are not alone.

    You are a good daughter who has put up with a lot over the years. I'm proud of you for coming here and sharing with us. And I'm sending you love, light, positive energy, and hope.
    Lostboy8731 and True concern like this.
  3. Star

    Star Member

    Wowwwww, I must say I kind of teared up reading your reply! Thank you so much for your advice and words of encouragement! It means more than you will ever know! I often do find myself being miserable because of my fathers addiction and have thought about seeing a therapist but haven’t yet took the steps to do so, maybe I’m a little nervous but I kno it will help to talk to someone! I love my father dearly and just want him to get help before it’s too late! I have put up with a lot as a child up until adult hood and I must say it is mentally and emotionally draining! I will always love my father no matter what, but I don’t love how drugs have impacted his life and the loved ones around him, like me, his daughter. Thank you again for your kind words and advise!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    It's word's like these my friend that brought me back.Again even though that wasn't for me I even teared up as I was able to feel your genuine love for humanity
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Star hey there. thanks for reaching out.. i'm sorry you've had to grow up with a father who struggles with addiction... that has not been fair to you....

    i'm sure you do love him and want him to reach out for help. dean is right though in that the most important thing you can do is take care of you. i think counseling would be a great thing for you... being able to talk about how growing up in this type of family can help you begin to heal... you don't want to carry around all that hurt, etc. through your life.... so my advice is to get on YOUR emotional recovery path... via counseling, or maybe even support group and reading some good books...

    and remember that we are here! always!

    you are a good soul... kind and caring. i know you want to help your dad... best way to help him is to take care of you. focus on your life and create the kind of life you want.... love him unconditionally, set and keep boundaries, etc.

    again, thanks for reaching out here.
    Star, deanokat and True concern like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Star I read your story and it was very hard for me as I lost my wife and kid's over my drug use,change methadone and crack replace it with oxycontin and meth and I was your father(hypothetically)and I don't know if you have other siblings or not but in my case there was other children involved however this story really choked me up as it was-it is my daughter, by herself without them who tried to help me,she is the only person in my family PERIOD who has ever tried to help me or even show true concern (no Pune intended)for my life and my Will to fight for sobriety. This maybe long and it may go off topic at time's but please bare with me I'm going to try and tell you as a father how it may have worked if at all but this will be emotional for me but I'm gonna try......First off let me assure you @deanokat is correct you have absolutely nothing to do with his decision and or life choices as far as his addiction is concerned, secondly I can assure you that your dad is full of guilt,shame,hopelessness, sadness,etc I know because when we first start using we enjoy it and by the time your life and or family are in jeopardy it then becomes a "I don't know what else to do"Or "It's already to late"thought process...this is how we parent's who fail and probably most addicts in general feel at this point.Just to be clear I mean no offense in anything I say here,I may be speaking of myself or in general at time's. So for me and this is going to sound crazy but as my daughter was the only one showing concern and I could tell it was emotionally hurting her to see me struggle and I truly don't want her to hurt over me I basically gave her every reason to lose faith in me,I made it to where I'm basically irrelevant in her life so that she would not care about me any longer and move on with her life.This tactic of mine is and was a stupid one because in all honesty I don't know if it worked or not all I truly know is she doesn't bother any more and always in the back of my mind I hate myself for it all,however if it indeed did allow her to forget me than I accept that. If there is a chance for your father to change I can almost guarantee the first step would be replacing methadone with suboxone,I realize that's not the substance you are concerned with but I know from experience you can OD on methadone and or node out if you abuse it and crack would allow him to abuse methadone and Stay awake....suboxone has narcan type ingredients that keep you from getting "DOPE SICK"and also keep you from getting higher on the opiate which would then allow him to focus on getting off crack as he wouldn't be nodding in and out. Unfortunately the decision is ultimately his and he's going to have to find away to love Himself again before he can make the change.I have been sober for the better part of 8.5 month's now with one slip up about 1 month ago that lasted one day so in real time I'm getting close to 1 month sober again which in itself is a miracle considering I was on everything except sunlight for nearly 20 year's and now fighting for sobriety I can describe these hurtful emotions we the addict keep getting high to avoid and if and when we get sober these emotions we hide for a lifetime are very overwhelming and extremely hard to acknowledge, accept, and work through and there is a daily fight in our mind once we get sober as the pain wants to fade and the addiction wants credit for taking away the pain and it's saddening to realize and accept the addiction caused the pain which makes for a very low True recovery rate,however if a person really wants it it can be done.I have nearly 1000 post on this site and many threads considering your situation I encourage you to go to my profile page and go through my post and perhaps as you read you will find several thing's which may help as I have encouraged,cried,begged,questioned,explained,tried to understand and make sense of it all,of course you don't have to but in my post you will read of a husband who loves his family and failed them and the emotional rollercoaster to try and get them back as well as a man who would give his life to save a stranger's all the way back around to a confused lost struggling ex junkie who refuses to give up. @deanokat has given amazing advice and he has helped me greatly,I tried to give you a inside look as best I could and I wish you nothing but the best @Star .STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Absolutely I agree with you Your a wonderful human being
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I can imagine reading something like this from my daughter and I will tell you my heart hurts dearly knowing I have probably caused these exact thoughts and feelings but it would indeed make me happy to know she was trying to heal emotionally and I assure you your father loves you and most likely hates himself for the pain you feel and those feelings are hard to acknowledge. I will pray for you and your father and I hope in time he can destroy the demons which confine him
    Star, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Star... Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you today. And your father. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, I know how much pain a parent's addiction can inflict on a child. I've been where you are. Wanting desperately for my father to stop drinking, wondering why he didn't realize the pain he was causing his family. Wondering why he chose a substance over us. It broke my heart for many, many years. I will say, though, that therapy really helped me deal with everything I was feeling. I, too, was nervous about trying therapy. Skeptical, too. But I have to say, my therapist really helped me deal with everything I was feeling. She made my life so much better, and I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen. So please think about giving therapy a try, okay? What have you got to lose?

    Sending you more positive juju today. We're here anytime you need us. Always remember that. :)
    Star and True concern like this.
  10. Star

    Star Member

    Thank you, thank you and thank you again for giving me those uplifting words! It’s really good to know I am not the only one who has suffered and is continuing to suffer from the addiction of a loved one! However, I am taking your words serious towards trying to seek out a therapist! I still pray everyday that my dad gets help but I also am realizing that I can’t really do anything to stop him. All I can do is focus on me and make sure that I am in a good state of mind! If that means seeking out professional help to deal with this matter then so be it!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion


    I am happy to hear you will be seeking professional counseling and know that we support and encourage you in doing what YOU need to do to make YOUR LIFE better and I have prayed for you both and will continue to do so.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
    deanokat and Star like this.
  12. Star

    Star Member

    Yes, I know my father loves me but sometimes I question how much he really does just for the simple fact he knows how much this is affecting me, yet he continues to do it. He might love that drug more than me which is a sad thing for me to say but I’m only speaking on how I truly feel! I have cried and pleaded with my father a few times for him to stop but he will just say “I’m okay”, “I know this”, “I hear you” or just be quiet the whole time I’m talking! It’s really frustrating because it’s like I can’t break down that barrier to get it through his head how much this is hurting me. I recently had a long talk with him about it and it’s like I’m a broken record! Right after our talk he got high ‍♀️ So I guess the truth was just too much for him to hear and he had to resort to what I call “La La” land when he gets high! I kind of lost respect for my father due to this, but it is what it is! He made it this way, not me ‍♀️
    deanokat likes this.
  13. Star

    Star Member

    Thank you for your kind words and encouragement!! I love my father dearly and just want him to let this demon go! I know it won’t be easy for him, which scares me but it’s something that needs to be done ASAP!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I assume he is much like I was at one time in my life,to hear my daughter spill her heart out made me hate everything about myself and instead of crying, which is what I felt like doing I would end the emotions I was filling by doing more dope,it's a cowardly excuse and a pathetic move but at that time I didn't know how to deal with the pain I had caused so when I decided to get sober I had to accept the emotions and I literally cried for about 3 month's as reality ate me alive,today I am sober and far from proud ,I still cry often and every night I wake up hearing my family being hurt and I try to find them and every night 10-15 secs later I stop looking and realize it was another dream and I don't live with my family any more.If your dad gets sober and I pray he does but the pain he has caused will likely haunt him much like mine does but now,today,sober I accept the pain I've caused and I accept I may have these dreams for the rest of my life but like you ended your last statement with,I caused it and now I must deal with it and I pray on day my family and myself can try to be around each other once again but this time I will be sober and again I pray your father gets at least to where I am.You are not alone and I wish you all the very best out of life
    deanokat likes this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Try a different approach, try to bottle your emotions if possible next time you engage him on this topic,I can almost assure you the first step is to eliminate the methadone and try to replace it with suboxone as it has naloxone in it which will eliminate the high feeling he gets from methadone and it will also eliminate the withdrawal from the methadone, if you can educate yourself on suboxone I believe you will agree it's a better choice as it will at least get him halfway sober and he won't be sick from withdrawal and maybe if his mind is not worried about getting dope sick he maybe more likely to actually have the conversation instead of just repeating his 3 "I hear you " type comments progress is progress but if your going to keep trying his mindset and ability to not feel dope sick may be a start in the correct direction. I hope in some small way this info which is my opinion alone helps as a recovering addict these thing's would have helped me but ultimately the decision is his. STAY STRONG
    deanokat likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Dominica and True concern like this.