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My girlfriend has become a meth dealer and I am worried for our lives and don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by scytheblade69, Jan 28, 2019.

  1. scytheblade69

    scytheblade69 Member

    Warning: this is a long post. If you do not care enough to read it please move on. If you see it as a desperate, stressed and worried person in need please.. I value your thoughts and appreciate you giving me your time.

    Okay so after a conversation with a trusted staff at the winter shelter that I live at, I've realized that I can't do this on my own and I have no idea what to do next. I feel that it's quickly becoming a matter of life or death or at least serious bodily harm to myself and or my girlfriend.

    I just googled for a forum focused on addiction and this is one of the top results so I hope this post reaches as many people as possible.

    I am not expecting an easy solution cause there is none in this situation but I hope to hear some input on my situation for myself and also possibly something I can show my girlfriend that will help convey how much I care and how serious the situation is.

    She is 22 and she acts like a 14 year old to quickly describe her. She's really immature, irrational, impulsive, impatient, naïve, ignorant and sometimes quite arrogant. She has absolutely no business being a drug dealer. She carries mace and thinks that is enough. She can't run far or fast, she is a small person and is not a fighter. Neither am I although I would stand up and fight to defend either of us, I really hope it does not come to that Because we are honestly weak and easy targets by anybody else and we have no connections so nobody else is gonna get revenge for us.

    I met her last year and when I met her she had been living at her first place (a room in a good home) since living with her mom and she had a decent job and had just started using meth for about 1 month. A big part of the reason is she has been on ADHD meds (Adderall) since she was 7 (and those meds are basically pharmaceutical meth) so it's no surprise why she finds it appealing. Not to mention she grew up being socially rejected and the fact that she has common ground with many people now and is accepted by this crowd makes her addiction even deeper. How meth affects her, it doesn't make her crazy or anything but it changes her thinking and effects her moods and she isn't aware of it. She is prone to overreacting to things, black and white thinking,, tunnel vision, she changes her mind a lot, yells a lot and denies that she is yelling, she argues very easily. When she is like that she makes very poor decisions and refuses to accept responsibility or even admit mistakes. She does things so rushed and fast and doesn't stop to think and gets herself into heaps of trouble.

    I have been paying attention more and more and am positive that the meth is causing this but she refuses to believe it. Her sleeping habits aren't as bad as some, she often stays up for 2 days but never longer. She crashes frequently and sleeps long which is good so sleep deprivation is not the main cause of her issues but does contribute. As for eating she does eat every day but not enough and not very healthy either. At least she avoidd junk food and pop but likes a lot of pastries and sweets. The shelter has healthy filling meals and there is a daily soup kitchen with good food but I can't get her to eat regularly enough. I know how much food affects her cause she was just in jail for a month and eating 3 meals a day and she was so less moody..

    But I can't get her to understand that nutrition and sleep are a huge cause of problems, and that those two are the first step in better mental health and physical health. She complains of pain especially in her hands and feet. She takes way too much Advil and Tylenol (exceeding the max dose at one time and the amount per day). She thinks meth is a painkiller because she doesn't feel pain as much but won't accept that it's just the effect of being high and is not a real pain killer.

    But all those problems are now insignificant compared to what is happening now and what she did to a supposed friend is what's really worrying me..

    Let me give a little background info on her and us so you have a better idea of why I want to help her so much...

    When we dated for the short month and a half, we lived at my dad's and when we had to move out suddenly (not kicked out) we were just about to rent a motel for the rest of winter when a very stupid situation happened and she ended up hitting someone with a stolen car and going to jail for a month (we are in Canada). To make it worse I broke up with her to get back with my ex but really I chose to do heroin with her instead but that's another story. So after jail she was left homeless and ended up in a neighboring small city and it was just in the start of this winter she moved into the winter shelter and by chance I ended up there shortly after and we somehow got back together.

    I really care about her and I love her and since I met her last year I have seen who she really is, her potential, what she is capable of being and most importantly I know what she really wants and who she wants to be. I have been lost before and still am somewhat but am miles ahead of where I was last year, so I know what I am talking about.

    The problem is that she doesn't belong in this life. Not the street life, being homeless and especially not being a drug dealer. It has just been a week since she's fully made the next step into being a real drug dealer, no more middlemanning (which is getting drugs for people) she is buying bulk amounts and flipping it for profit now.

    Worst of all she just doesn't understand what she is getting into, she bases all her knowledge off what she has learned in the past year being on the street in a small Canadian city. She thinks she knows everything and she thinks she is different. If you know exactly what I mean then this post is directed at you for advice so please read on.

    The drug dealing is not the only issue but its how she treats people and the wrong doings she does. She sells meth, and she has been cutting it with salt and sometimes I think even been selling pure salt to some people. By the way she thinks that since she doesn't sell heroin that she won't get robbed and beaten up! She thinks that she knows people so well, and I tell her that people aren't as stupid as she thinks but she doesn't get it. What bugs me is that the bulk price she pays is low enough that there is plenty of money to be made without cutting the dope at all, so there is absolutely no justification for the practice (not that there ever is).

    The reason I'm writing this is because of what happened just the other day. She got kicked out of the shelter we live at for drug dealing, and in an attempt to save herself she told the staff here that someone else who lives her is dealing and he got kicked out for it. The worst thing is that he did nothing wrong to her and in fact was a friend to her. He said he was the first person she met in this town and he brought her to the shelter when she had nowhere else to go. Now this is not the first time in her life she's thrown a friend under the bus, I don't know details but I have heard things from her and other people about her past and compulsive lying is nothing new to her.

    A staff here who has a lot of experience with this life and has spent 30 years in a major city nearby just talked to me today about the dangers she is getting her and me into. I kinda knew it but to hear it from her confirmed everything I am worried about. That small time dealers get murdered over ripping off the wrong guy once for even $5 of dope. And considering she thinks wrongly that she knows who she is selling to, I'm very worried she will rip off the wrong person and her name will be spread around town about being a shady dealer and she's gonna end up in the hospital or worse.

    I don't know what to do. We end up arugueing whenever I try to communicate this to her. She doesn't take me seriously, she doesn't know that I know what I am talking about, even if I am close to her age (two years older) and personally do not have experience but I have seen and talked to enough people in this life to get a good understanding of what it's all about.

    I am worried she won't learn until its too late. And she might not even learn from that. I've considered telling her mom because I think she would do something drastic. I know she would be very upset with me and worry that will end our friendship. Honestly I think that she needs to spend more time in jail. She just got out a month ago for one month sentence and last year she did a month.

    In jail, she was sober from meth and although her Adderall meds cause bad withdrawals (she was off her meds then) we spoke for like 1 or 2 hours a day on the phone every day for the whole month.

    That was when she was in her right mind. She talked about how she wanted to get a job with me, get a place, she even said she would stop shoplifting cause she really doesn't want to go to jail again.

    That's why I think she needs to do like 6 months. To get clean longer and also really end up hating jail enough that she will stick to not stealing and not selling drugs.

    She does not realize how much meth has changed her. She is a victim of childhood prescription drug use. She believes she is always going to be ADHD and she beliefs that she needs amphetamines to help her. She doesn't understand that because of this label she has never learned the coping skills and strategies to deal with the "symptoms" of ADHD. She doesn't belief that she is addicted to her meds and meth. She even thinks that she can't overdose on meth because she had ADHD.

    **I've exceeded the length limit and will try to post the second part**
  2. scytheblade69

    scytheblade69 Member

    Here is the rest of my post. This is the last I promise. If you make it this far thank you again.

    She's very stubborn. I have no idea how to convince her that she needs professional help with her meth addiction and that she needs to realize that she can get off her meds and live a normal life without them.

    I want her so bad to just start seeing an addiction counsellor or therapist but it's so hard for people to tell her that what she thinks she knows may not be right.

    She tells me she understands what I'm saying.. But I know her well enough that she has a distorted sense of reality. In her mind she doesn't think she is doing as much harm as she is. People tell me that she just doesn't care, I know that is not true. She does care. She shows it all the time when she gets upset that things don't turn out the right way. But she refuses to believe she did something wrong and that there is another way to get it done.

    She has other issues that need dealing with, like hoarding, but nothing as important as this. She is out of control and she's risking her life and my own.

    And the person I am, I can't just walk away to save myself. Even though I have little to no control over her actions, I feel like without me, she would be doing much worse. When I am with her, at least I can moderate how she treats people and what she says. And I feel like by her having a man with her helps keep her a bit safer. I mean I'm not a fighter but at least I am tall and people don't know me so for all they know I am some tough guy.

    I treat everybody with respect and never cheat or **** around anybody. I'm trying hard to establish a trustworthy relationship with everybody here. I honestly believe since I have been with her she has not been having as many problems with people and I hope that people here notice that I am a positive force in this city and with her.

    Maybe I am just full of myself, but I seriously think I came her in just the nick of time before she did something bad and got herself seriously fucked.

    But for her to do what she did to her friend, and that she lied to me about it, really worries what she may do to me. I haven't seen her yet since I found out for positive she did what she did but I just don't know how I'm going to feel if she can't admit it to me.

    A big part of me is screaming that now is the time to get a job and get a real place for her to live. I don't know if I should do it here or the next city so I can get us a fresh start. What I'm thinking is trying here and telling her that when she lives with me that there is no dealing out of the house and that she can not tell anybody where we live. And if she does i will tell her that I will move to the city on my own and get a job and place there and that is her last change. That she can live with me again but no drug dealing at all. I will support her until she gets a job but if she does anything behind my back then it's over. I might even set up hidden cameras in my house. I think that's extreme but seriously I care about her that much but I just can't trust her.

    I want to trust her. It hurts me so much to think she may just be using me. But I mean, I think she is well aware how hard she has finding another guy who will put up with her ****. If she's only staying with me for that fact, I just hope that it means something to her that I am willing to put up with her. Maybe it will take time before she realizes how good she can have it with me. Nobody else on the street here thinks like me. Everybody else here will keep her trapped being drug addicted and homeless.

    I just wish she would realize that if she would help me then we could get out of this life.

    I just can't stand to see this young woman go down this road and end up another victim or statistic. She doesn't deserve it. The wrong she had done does not deserve her to lose her life.

    I am talking from personal experience when i say I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and.. Stay there way too long. But it's never too late. She's been doing this for one year and she is 22...I am 25 and have done this life for 10 years already. She doesn't realize what I've been through.

    People tell me she's not good for me. But I just say, if nobody else wants her why shouldn't I?

    We are so alike in so many ways. Our hobbies, the way we think.. What we want and our struggles. I know that we could have a great future together, one day having our dream jobs, doing what we love, living how we want, getting what we need and even what we want.

    I wish that instead of jail she could be court ordered to go into addiction treatment for like a year and get sober from her meds and meth and start learning how to function without them.

    So that is what is on my mind. Please, I hope to show her this and want her to read some replies from real people. Please tell me/her anything that you think would help. Don't hold back, be honest even if it's not nice.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you're having to go through all of this. Addiction takes a person and turns them into someone they're not. She's definitely gotten herself into some dire circumstances and the reality of the situation is that she could end up in prison or dying on the streets. And I know that scary to hear, but that is reality.

    I know you want to help her and fix her and save her, but the reality is that you can't. You've been a platform for support for her and that's wonderful. She knows that you're a good person to go to for support and safety. My honest opinion is at some point, is that you've got a pretty big decision to make. You can live your life taking care of her and perhaps even enabling her, that certainly is one of your choices. Along with that will come emotional struggle for you because it's really challenging to watch people destroy themselves. Or you can set some boundaries for your relationship. Meaning, if you want a healthy relationship with a woman where there's no drugs, then that's a boundary you can set and follow through with it. Or you can cut ties with her now and get on with your life where you're not worrying yourself half to death over the behavior of another person. None of those choices would be easy...

    I'd say if you can get to a therapist, it might help you to process with a qualified professional. We're certainly not professionals here and I have not been through this situation. But I also know myself well enough to know that I would choose not to hold space for someone who is in active addiction and refused to reach out for help and work their asses off in recovery. But that's just me.

    There's clearly some codependency relating going on here. And I'm not sure if you're familiar with the term codependency, but it might help you to learn a little bit about that.

    I'm sure others will weigh in. I do hope that she can reach a point in her life where she finds it within her to reach out for help. And just know that we're here to listen anytime. I wish I had some magical answer for you, but this is always a tricky situation. I'm believing the best for you!
    deanokat likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @scytheblade69... Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing with us. Like @Dominica, I am very sorry to hear about what you're going through with your girlfriend. Lord knows, loving someone who struggles with addiction is probably one of the biggest challenges a person can ever go through.

    Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us this about a loved one's addiction:

    "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."

    Those words are the absolute truth. No matter how much you want to fix your girlfriend, the simple fact is...You can't. That's a hard reality to face, but not facing it will likely make your life even more difficult and frustrating than it already is.

    I agree with everything Dominica told you. I think talking to a therapist would be a fabulous thing for you to do. If money is an issue, see if you can find help through your local social services agency. They oftentimes have free mental health assistance. You are obviously dealing with a lot of issues, so talking with a professional would be a big help, I think.

    You may also want to find a copy of the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. I think reading it would open your eyes to some stuff that's probably going on in your relationship with this woman. (Any library will likely have a copy of the book.)

    I know you say you don't want to walk away from her. But do you really want to continue down the road your on indefinitely? That's what you're going to have to decide.

    You can't save this woman. You can't fix her. And continuing to try and do so could result in terrible things for yourself. I truly hope that doesn't happen.

    We're here to help and support you. And to listen. So feel free to lean on us anytime, even if you just need to vent. I wish I had a solution for the problems you're having, but I don't. My best advice is to take care of the one person you can control: You.
    Joshstillclean likes this.