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my husbands was using

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by mommy71, Jan 29, 2018.

  1. mommy71

    mommy71 Member

    I kind of knew but really found out when my husband was to report for house arrest for a completely different reason (driving under suspension) and they kept him. He tested positive for meth and they revoked his house arrest. He told me he just used that once with a friend because he was trying to get things done before he was stuck in the house for 30 days. Well, I know this was not true because I had found numerous baggies and rolled up dollar bills, or broken pens throughout his laundry over the past 8 months. I had confronted him a few times, and he would deny that it was his. Saying he took it from other people so they didn't use it. He was hanging around this awful crowd of people, insisting he was helping them. He wasn't getting any of his things done, and was spending all his time "helping" these people. He was out for days at a time, coming home to occasionally eat, argue, and get changed. Then he was out the door again. Telling me story after story. Well, hes still away with 8 days remaining on his 30 day sentence. During this time, I had to use our kindle, which he was using for a short time. Passcode locked. (as well as his phone being locked). I had to reset the passcode on the kindle, and to my suprise..up popped NUMEROUS messages from his facebook. I spent hours reading them all and found out the truth. The women, the transactions, what he was really doing when he told me he was doing other things. I did confront him over the phone in tears, and he was silent, and apologizing, Saying he didn't know why he did that. I am continuing to be there for him because I love him. We have been together for 24 years and have 2 older children (23 and 15). I also am trying to learn more about this addiction and am trying to understand that everything he has done, was not him. It was the meth. I have found numerous dildos, lube, and other sex toys that I KNEW we never used. I have literally thrown out at least 30 of them in the past months. Id find them in his car...lube hidden in his shoes..I KNEW something was going on, but everytime I brought it up, which was rare, he DENIED everything, Saying he bought them for us (knowing Im not a huge fan) and how dare I accuse him!! He was very defensive and would often lead to a blow out argument and then he'd leave again. I have visited him, talked on the phone everyday, and he seems like the old guy I love and married. He also wants to move, and has me looking at houses. In another state. Says he wants to just get away. I am hoping this is what he really wants and its not jail talking. I still check the facebook messages almost daily and some of these people are still trying to contact him. My worry is when he gets home, and gets back on his phone!! He says hes done, and wants all these people to leave him alone. I just need some input. Is there hope that this is really over???
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @mommy71 hello and welcome. sorry you are going through this... you don't deserve this, for sure.

    it's challenging to be with an addict... will things change? it's tough to say and it depends on various factors. he's been unfaithful and deceptive...and those things are not right, even if he is an addict.

    if it were me, i'd get into a support group immediately. you need some emotional support from people who have been in your shoes. are you willing to attend one? Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? There may be some in your city. Check out their websites online and you can put in your zip code to see. if it were me, i would not move away. so many people think moving and starting over in a new location will solve the problem. it rarely does.

    check yourself to see if you've become dependent upon him (like codependency)... it's so easy to get wrapped up in their world that you forget about yourself... you make excuses for them, or you deny the reality of what's going on. there are some great books to read on the topic, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie being one.

    does he have plans on having an active recovery plan when he gets home? counseling? support group?

    if it were me, i'd get into counseling too. this is a lot to you know..and it may be helpful to see a counselor through this transition time... if you can't afford counseling, there are hundreds of great youtube videos by professionals that can help maybe...

    i hope this helps. i feel for you, and your children... know that you are not alone..and it's ok to reach out for help.
  3. mommy71

    mommy71 Member

    Thank you Dominica. I think its pretty bad when Im not sure that im excited for him to come home or if Im more worried. He definetely has lost a lot of my trust and respect for him. I want to regain that back, but I know it will be a long road, and with everything I have been through mentally,,,Im not even sure Im ready for it.

    I try not to get wrapped up in his world. Thats what lead to many arguments when he was here. He got mad that I showed no interest in what he claims he was trying to do, which was "help these people". I disagreed with him constantly regarding the crowd he was hanging around. It was so bad that at one point one of his "friends" came to our house and after they left the room, my son looks at me and says "Do all of Daddys friends look like druggies?"

    He was so cocky and over confident. Like he was this amazing human being trying to save the world. It was very aggravating to hear.

    Most of the time when I came acrossed anything, I kept it to myself to avoid arguing. I just stashed it until I was ready to throw it out. He knew stuff was missing from his cars, but I knew he wouldn't question me about it.

    I have read articles about moving away is a good thing to do. To get away from all the temptations. And now I am to the point that anywhere I go around here makes me think of everything he did, and all the places he did it. And I want to get out. It makes me sick to my stomach.

    I also read about what meth does to your libido. Explains alot, but doesn't make it right by any means. Thinking of all that almost makes me not want to touch him anymore.

    He has said nothing about counseling or any kind of recovery plan. But I plan on having a long talk with him when he is out. Because I can not do this again. If he wants this to work, a lot of work needs to be done.

    I will check out the support groups, and I'll look at you tube for videos. This is the first time I have talked about any of this, and just this little bit has helped already!!
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @mommy71 i am glad that writing here is helping a little. it's a tough time for you right now...i am sure. i'm really glad you reached out here for support. that's courageous.

    would be wonderful if he would agree to couples counseling... recovery (for both of you) is a process...a journey... and professional counseling can help both of you navigate it... if you can't go, it is helpful to read books, listen to videos, and such... support groups helped me a lot. i needed it...b/c i wanted to get to the point where i was strong emotionally (and financially) on my own (in case i needed to leave).

    what you want and need matters. remember that. :)
  5. Neveragain29

    Neveragain29 Member

    Hello my dear,

    This sounds almost identical to my situation. My fiance and I were so in love and then came meth. It IS Satan. I understand how hurt your soul is and how disappointed you must feel. I did the same thing you're doing. I spent so much money on calls from jail. As soon as he would get out it was back to insanity. Disrespect, hurtful actions and words.
    I finally told him that I was done if he didn't go to rehab. He keeps lying about going so I cut all communication.
    Right now, you are providing him hope and a captive audience. They love an audience. Once they lose that attention, they lose everything and need to make a choice.
    No one can tell you what to do and I understand your love for him. I cut it off because I couldn't stand it anymore. It was insanity.
    I feel a lot better now that I'm away from the crazy. Take care of your soul. Take care of you. Be well for your children.
    I'm praying for you.
    courage53 and Dominica like this.