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My journey so far.

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Nathan420, Feb 2, 2020.

  1. Nathan420

    Nathan420 Member

    Hi everyone, hope everyone is having a good day. In the past 1 month I've started to make some genuine positive changes to my life and my drug habit. I figured joining a forum would be a useful tool to help me keep on track and learn from others experiences and hopefully help others in similar situations to mine.

    My first time taking a drug was when I was 14, alcohol. My single mum has always been very cool and very open about drugs and other life stuff and despite my family history of alcohol abuse(my father, both grandfathers) she let me try alcohol. I live in the UK and cider is a very popular alcoholic drink, my Mum bought a 3 litre bottle of average strength cider(5%) and was going to let me try a bit. Me being very curious and naive, I took the whole bottle and drank my self stupid in my room, it was one of the most euphoric, amazing experiences of my life and that night I became obsessed with alcohol. Everyday was a mission to scrape enough money together to buy white cider which was stronger(7.5%) and very cheap. If I couldn't get cider I would go through the medicine cabinet and literally google every single kind of medication we had to see if it had any recreational value and I took it all. My Mum was involved in a minor motorcycle accident and got a lot of painkillers and relaxants like codeine, gabapentin, pregbalin, diezapam, mirtazapine, amitriptlyine, morphine and some other . I always had the week planned out, I'd figure out when my mum had work so I was home alone, what drugs I had had and how much and so every single day since I was 14 I was on something with small breaks before exams or if I couldn't get my hands on anything, I'd often come to school drunk or high. Miraculously I got through Secondary School with As in the subjects that mattered to me like physics, chemistry, biology, computing and maths.

    Then I went to college and my drug use escalated, I got a part time, cash in hand job at a local takeaway and so then I could afford to fund my drug obsession. I moved on to drinking spirits, mainly vodka as it was the cheapest and sometimes I'd buy 2-3 70cl bottles at a time and I'd just lay in my room drinking constantly behind my mum's back and then she found out but it didn't bother her at the time as she was going through a hard time herself I believe. My room would be littered with dozens of empty bottles, cans. I started not turning up to college(my final attendance was around 40%) but I always turned up for work because I needed to feed my habit and I was really good at my job and I enjoyed it. Very fast paced, a lot of pressure, required a lot of quick thinking, organisation and communication skills which I seemed to have. In the end I did very poorly in my A-levels, mostly due to a lack of interest and dedication. I'm a smart guy and never had trouble getting my head round very difficult topics when I turned up to school but never took the time to revise, build and solidify the knowledge in my head. My teachers were actually really surprised at the grades I got due to my obvious lack of commitment to school. I didn't fail my exams but not good enough to get into University, at the time it didn't even bother me because I didn't care about anything, I was very pessimistic, nihilistic, after picking up results I went and got drunk

    Then, naturally, I was getting a bit bored of alcohol and it was too hard to conceal the habit so I started buying drugs off the street. Stimulants, weed, codeine and other opiates, benzos. And I feel in love with benzodiazepines(Valium). It was perfect, it was very cheap, easy to conceal the habit, a good drug to potentiate other depressant drugs which are my preference and it seemed to solve my problems. I suffered from social anxiety, depression, depresonalisation and derealisation, very low self-esteem, I often felt like I wanted to end my life, life had no meaning, I had no purpose, no one to look up to, no one to trust. A lot of time I would isolate my self from family, friends, everyone due to these issues which paradoxically made me feel more isolated and lonely, Valium fixed everything. I felt normal for the first time. I could talk to anyone, I felt good about myself, I didn't worry about anything. Constantly in a state of pure bliss and tranquillity.
    I got myself a proper job at a Hospital full-time. Making lots of money(A lot for me at my age) and hence more money for drugs and alcohol.

    Eventually and inevitably my drug abuse started to very quickly break my life apart. My managers at work notices when I'd come into work reeking of alcohol until eventually I came into work absolutely wrecked. I had a bad night, I was robbed and just took so many drugs like theres no tomorrow. That was on the 31st of May 2018. I admitted I had a substance abuse problem and I was taken into ED(Emegerncy Department) where I was examined and after a few hours, for the first I started to experience serious withdrawal symptoms. I knew I was physically dependant on alcohol at that point but always had something sorted to keep the symptoms away and never really experienced withdraw full on. I was given some medication for that day(Librium) and was referred to a drug support organisation and told to go to my GP and was given 2 months off work to sort it out. Went to my GP who very reluctantly allowed me to detox at home and gave me the medication to take for a week. It wasn't perfect, the symptoms were still there but a lot less intense. Couldn't sleep, it took about 2 weeks for the shakes to go away, anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, couldn't eat. Horrible. I said to myself this is it, never again...haha. As soon as I got better I got straight back into old habits and a cycle began. Take lots of drugs every day for a few weeks, had to stop because I'd run out of money, go through withdraw(half the time without medication or help), get better, get paid and back to square 1. It's been like this for the past 8 months.

    Between the end of September and the 25th of December 2019 I had a massive relapse after being sober for a month in September. Back to ED on the 26th due to withdrawal symptoms, out in a day and I have not abused alcohol since that day. Haven't drank spirits since, didn't even drink on New years. Now I feel I have drink under control, in the past month, I've had drinks but only on weekends, and on my birthday but without getting blacked out drunk and going out doing very stupid and dangerous things. I'm quite proud of my progress since last year and especially in the past month, however, I'm still a drug addict. Currently I'm using valium everyday but more controlled than before. I used to take 10-15 vallium a day, now I take them when I feel like I need them or I'm bored. And I've got a taste for amphetamine for some reason, been taking speed for the past 2-3 weeks everyday simply because no one notices when I'm on it, I feel good about myself and have a positive outlook on life, it really makes work a lot easier and makes me so much more "normal". I've taken about .7g of speed today snorted and orally and I've applied to a few local colleges to retake my science A-levels, I've confirmed a Preparation for Change program that I applied for 2 weeks ago at the local drug support centre, I've cleaned the house today and I've joined this forum. Taking amphetamine has really helped me, it's helped me really look at my life and see what I want from life, what I need to do but at some point I'm going to run out or my dealer won't be around or I'll run out of money and I'm afraid all this new sense of well-being, hope, motivation will fade which it definitely will because that's that drugs innit.

    And so here I am, recently turned 20 years old and really feeling hopeful. Addiction is one hell of a ride but I suppose it teaches you things, it tests your will-power. I really think this might be it, 2020 could be my year but you never know, life is unpredictable.

    Sorry for making this so long but I've always wanted to share my story with people that can relate. When you're in the midst of addiction you isolate yourself from the world and even from yourself and I'm grateful for forums like this, it's feels good to share your story and to know people can relate, understand and even help or learn from each other.
    Have a good all and look after yourselves.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    This story is heartbreaking to me,I was the same...At 18-19 year's old 70k plus a year all while drinking heavily,consuming speed,taking benzodiazepine's (xanax)consuming mass amounts of painkillers....I am now going to share my first post on this site to show you where it eventually ends up!!
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Nathan420 You are so very intelligent and you can have life by the balls and working in your favor but not with drug's as your inspirational drive,the wheels eventually fall off as you know...Never forget how young you were when your work gave you 2 months off to withdrawal and reflect back on it when you feel you owe your success and happiness to drug's.

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  4. Nathan420

    Nathan420 Member

    Wow that's a really shocking story, thank you for sharing and I'm very happy to hear your journey had a good ending despite it being very fucking bumpy(which is an understatement). Thank you for offering support and I'm glad we have people like you on this forum. Keep it up and stay active on this forum, we need people like you who have suffered like this and lived to tell the tale to guide people like me and many others who all have their own struggles.
    Personally, my drug use hasn't changed much, still using speed and valium everyday and I'm drinking alcohol everyday now but wine. This week I attended the Preparation for Change thing twice and even though the topics they were talking to us about(Cravings, triggers etc.) wasn't helpful as everyone knows this stuff but what was great was talking to people who are either in almost exactly the same boat as you(There's a guy there that has almost the same problems as me so it's nice wen you can really relate to someone) or people who have other drug problems but still can relate and we can all exchange advice and stuff. Also another benefit of groups I found is that it's social, you interact with people. I think just being around people and interacting with them even just light conversation is really helpful and give you hope. I hope you stick around, help people, share your story. Thank you again.
  5. azazello

    azazello Member

    Drugs are a scary thing in your life. Drug addiction is a sensitive subject, which is why addicts never go to doctors voluntarily. They try in every way to hide their addiction from loved ones and family members. With each successive dose, tolerance to the substance grows, and to achieve the desired effect, they have to increase the amount of it. At some point in the development of drug addiction, the harm to the body becomes critical, and the person dies, as his organs and organ systems stop functioning. I became an addict by about the age of 20. I used drugs often and sometimes didn't go home for weeks. My friends began to notice this, then they consulted and decided to distract me and booked me a trip to Athens. But I didn't know how drug addicts were treated there and what would happen to me, but helped me. Once I was there, I felt completely different, a completely different atmosphere.
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2021
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    It's all love