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My Life & My Substances

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by gracer, Jan 18, 2016.

  1. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    I remember all those years when I used to lean on alcohol and smoking to make me feel a bit numb from my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. For the longest time, I guess starting from the day I was born up until now that I have my own family, I have been struggling to prove myself worthy of my parent's love and approval.

    I must say that one thing that triggered me to depend on alcohol and nicotine before was my inner pain, I was never proud of myself because I never felt my parents become proud of me at all. I felt like everything I did was always a mistake and if I ever did anything right, it was never enough.

    There were times I wished I was the one who died instead of my older sister who died of a liver disease. I never found any meaning into my life until I finally found my reasons to live a longer life - my husband and our son.

    I no longer succumb myself to the influence of alcohol and nicotine because of the love I have been receiving from my 2 precious ones. Although until now, I'm still an imperfect daughter, at least I can say I'm proud to be a mother to my child and a wife to my husband. That's what I'm holding on to right now.
  2. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @gracer Before you should had realized that smoking and alcohol is not a cure to your loneliness and even for your pains in life. But life is like that and all of us do not know our destiny in life. But I am glad that you had find your husband and your child to be the good reason for you to live and to put meaning into your life now. That is why now I am wishing you all the best of luck!
    gracer likes this.
  3. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there, @gracer! Thanks for sharing your story to us here. I never knew you've went through such a hard time before, but I am glad to hear that you have found inspiration in the image of your husband and son. All the best to you and your family.
    gracer likes this.
  4. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Thanks @ReadmeByAmy and @dyanmarie25! :) Yes, it's my first time sharing about the emotional side of things with regards to my alcohol and nicotine consumption before. I'm just feeling a little bit emotional right now as some recent events made all the things I went through before come running back to me once again. I've decided to vent out my emotions here because I just feel so at home with all of you guys here. I'm also glad I have my new inspirations beside me now that's why I no longer long for the company of my old vices.
    MrsJones and ReadmeByAmy like this.
  5. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    When I used drugs it's because I sought to escape from reality. I hated everyone. I hated being alive. The drugs made me for a while forget but when I realized there are things I could change to make my life somewhat better I took action and learned that I no longer needed drugs.

    Just saying I've walked in your shoes, gracer and know how it feels like to battle negative thoughts and feelings but at least you now have a good reason not to look back at drugs. Love is that strong.

    “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
    ― Lao Tzu

    Never look back . . .
    gracer, MrsJones and MyDigitalpoint like this.
  6. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I think parents unwittingly or uncaringly cause a lot of pain in their children by passing their own stress and angst. It is sad. They may also model substance abuse and cause their kids to feel that is a coping mechanism. I think people who use need to look beyond themselves and their own pain...I think being overly involved with your own issues lead to SA> But yeah it is tough to deal with life sometimes but drugs and alcohol make it worse for sure..
    gracer likes this.
  7. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    I second what Rainman is saying and, in fact, Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching book helped me a lot during my addiction days to improve those feelings and flow with life in the right direction.

    You are not alone @gracer, many of us have struggled with addictions, but we are trying to move forward everyday and find a motivation; you have it already in your loved ones, so chin up and never surrender.

    If you want to read Lao Tzu's book, is an easy reading wisdom book available in full here,
    gracer likes this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @gracer... Thanks for opening up to us and sharing such personal feelings with us, my friend. Please remember that nobody is perfect. We do the best that we can, and that's all we can do. Keep loving that family of yours. Family is everything. I'm so glad you're a part of this community. Feel free to vent to us anytime. :)
    gracer likes this.
  9. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    You are always welcome and continue to be an inspiration to other people by sharing your story. :)
    gracer likes this.
  10. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thank you for sharing your story with us gracer. I am sorry that you felt so much pain in the past and having that need to always make your parents proud. Some parents are just difficult and no matter what their child do they can't say they are proud of them. That is their issue. I am glad to hear that you have found your meaning in life and that you are now happy with your son and husband. Now you can be that parent that you always longed to have. Take care of yourself!
    gracer, MrsJones and deanokat like this.
  11. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    In a similar vein, I started drinking and smoking initially to fit in - I was a shy kind of kid, and just wanted to find "my place" in the world, I guess...I didn't know who I was as a teenager and just went along with the crowd. Part loneliness too, I think - instead of trying to find people I clicked with, I just drank...
    gracer likes this.
  12. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    Congrats to you! Keep holding onto that precious child and your husband. That's a great motivator!
    deanokat and gracer like this.
  13. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Wow! What a wonderful message Rainman. I'm truly touched by your words. Having someone understand what I feel gives me a certain feeling of ease and comfort. Thank you so much for that. :)
    deanokat and Rainman like this.
  14. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    @MyDigitalpoint Thank you so much for sharing the link. Lao -tzu indeed has a lot of wisdom in him to have written such a beautiful piece of literature. :)

    @deanokat Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm really touched by all your words of comfort and assurance. Being part of this community is not just becoming a member of a forum but of a family that is so open and willing to accept you for all your flaws and imperfections. I'm so honored to have met people like you. :)

    @L_B It has been indeed a lifelong struggle for me to win my parents' approval and now that I'm a parent myself I don't want my son to ever feel the way I do right now. I'm going to try my best not to be too hard on him, the way my parents never approved of me. It has been my pain until now but I'm learning to just live with it because I realized that no matter what I do right, there will always be something wrong in me that they will always see instead of the right things I have done with my life. I guess I'll just have to live with that all my life.
    deanokat and MyDigitalpoint like this.
  15. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Right that those bad vices are not solutions but rather more problems.
    Good to know that you do not have addiction problems anymore and found the meaning of your life. You are blessed with a loving husband and son.
    gracer and deanokat like this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @gracer... You're very welcome, my friend. Anytime you need anything, just holler. :)
    gracer likes this.
  17. queend17

    queend17 Active Contributor

    I'm glad that you managed to find the love that you deserved, so that way you can break your addiction and be 100% truly happy, cause trust me, I understand how you feel to have family, especially parent(s), that don't care for you, I cause a devoid feeling inside of you and even though you want them to care for you,they don't... So in the end you just have to prove them wrong about they say/believe in about you (that's what I did)!...
    deanokat and gracer like this.
  18. anorexorcist

    anorexorcist Community Champion

    Thanks for sharing my your story with us, I'm glad that you're doing better now!
    I can relate so much to this, since I came out to my parents I haven't really received support from my father at all, and I feel that he will never ever will be proud of me no matter what, but I'm trying to be proud of myself even if he's not, I have been through a lot of rough times and luckily I have survived, and that's all I need.
    gracer likes this.
  19. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    A loving and supportive family is usually one of the reasons why addicts quit their vices. They see them as their inspiration to get going in life when times are hard. That's why a lot of people commit suicide or succumb to vices because there is no one there to listen to them and support them. I'm happy for you that your life has taken a positive turn because of them.
    gracer likes this.
  20. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    @anorexorcist You're such a brave and strong person to be able to comfort yourself despite the lack of support from your dad. I'm really happy that you have seen how precious you are on your own and that is really very important. Love for oneself is also a good way of building up the strength and fighting spirit of a person to keep going despite all the external odds.

    @serenity I've also heard of a number of people committing suicide because they had no one beside them to support them in times when they needed help. The support of family is a strong foundation to help a person who feels like he/she no longer has a reason to live. Just the mere presence of a loved one could save a troubled soul from giving up. :)
    anorexorcist likes this.