An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

My live-in boyfriend of 2.5 years is stealing my pills

Discussion in 'Prescription Drugs' started by randomladyinwa, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. He's a good guy, good heart, and I love him deeply, but he keeps stealing my pills and lies to my face, if I accidentally forget to hide them. My mother is temporarily living with me, as her home burned down 4 months ago and he is now stealing her pain medication. I'm so angry about this, as I'm very protective of my tiny elderly asian mother. He cries and apologizes when I get him to finally admit what he's done. I told him to get substance abuse counseling when I first found him stealing from me in January and he's only went 3-4 times and doesn't keep up with it. Does anyone ever get better? Is addiction to narcs eternal?
  2. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Hi @randomladyinwa,
    I’m sorry you’re struggling with that right now. It’s never easy to watch a love one sabotage their lives when they probably don’t want to. It sounds like he feels really guilty, which in my opinion might be a good sign. I also had a problem with stealing pills from my boyfriend, and it got pretty out of hand last year. I honestly did not want to hurt him, and even though I absolutely did not want to wreck our relationship, I damn near did. It was a nightmare through and through. It was impossible to enjoy the high because the guilt was eating at me. So I became a thief and a self-sabotager without a single good reason. I was only feeding my addiction that told me in the moment that I couldn’t survive without it. Every situation is different, so I’m not saying that everyone should stay and make it work with an addict, but every day I am clean I am so thankful for my partner for sticking by me and not giving up.
    Dominica, deanokat and True concern like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    No active addiction is not eternal,however addiction itself maybe.It is possible to get sober and stay sober but it takes work and he is obviously emotional when he gets caught so i assume he "needs" the pills to not be sick from detox which puts you both in a bad situation.Ask him if he takes them to not feel sick or if he takes them to enjoy the high.At least this will let you know what you are dealing with and maybe help pick a road to recovery that will work for him.Stay Strong and God Bless:)
    Dominica, deanokat and lonewolves like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @randomladyinwa... Welcome to the community. I know what you're going through is difficult, and I'm sorry for that. Addiction definitely causes good people to do some questionable things.

    @lonewolves and @True concern have given you some great advice and insight. One question I have: How long has your boyfriend been struggling with addiction?

    Also, a simple solution to having him steal pills from you and your mother is to buy an inexpensive safe and keep all the meds locked up. When my son started stealing pills from me years ago, that's what my wife and I did. You can probably get a decent combination safe for 50 bucks or so. And get one with a combination, not a key. Because if you have one with a key lock, you have to worry about hiding the key, him finding the key, etc.

    We're here to help and support you any way we can, so don't hesitate to come back and lean on us, okay? Even if you just need to vent, you can do that here. We are here for you. And we care. You are not alone.

    One last thing: You may want to do some reading on addiction. Knowing what you're dealing with is always a good idea. Here are some good books that might help:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    Sending you lots of love, light, and hope. Hang in there.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @randomladyinwa hey there! welcome to the forum! so sorry you're having to contend with this. I'm sure it is quite disheartening.

    The others have given you wonderful insight and advice... I hope he will get back to counseling and really commit to it! addiction counseling can help. would he be interested in attending a support group?

    for some people, stopping the addiction is so tough, and sometimes it does go on for many years.... do your best to practice self-care. YOU deserve to have some peace of mind in the home....

    and know that you're not alone. we are here and we care.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  7. Wow. I only posted my plea for help yesterday and I'm overwhelmed by the fast and thoughtful responses. I am so appreciative. Thank you all.

    Let me explain a little bit more about the situation: His parents were addicts. His father still struggles with sobriety (alcohol and pills) at age 63. His mother was addicted to pills and passed away about 8 years ago. Somehow, I think he's got the genetic makeup to be an addict and I think it came into full fruition after his extremely bitter divorce about 3 years ago and not being able to see his kids. He loves life and making others happy. But I know he has demons inside...where he loathes himself for not having the finances to fight for his kids, not being able to spoil me with material things (I'm not materialistic at all, but it's his man-ego), his weight gain, not seeing his mom when she passed, etc. I want to stay with him, but I can't trust him. Isn't trust the very crux of a relationship where the end goal is marriage? When he apologizes and swears he won't do it again, I feel like i'm listening to a parrot and if I keep forgiving him, I'm letting myself down. Am I? I want to be the supportive partner, I just need to be able to trust.
    lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    All understandable, but again if you love him you have to know if he takes them to get "High" or to not get sick?Without knowing this there is no way to know what route to take to try and help him assuming you want to help him or if you would rather walk away but that's your heart and soul only you can answer that part
    deanokat likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @randomladyinwa... One of the books I talk about at that link I shared with you is called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners and parents of people struggling with addiction and it's full of fabulous, useful information. It teaches you how to communicate better with your loved one, how to talk to them to help convince them to want to change, and more. I especially like the section of the book devoted to self-care, too. Because when you're dealing with a loved one's addiction, taking care of YOURSELF is the most important thing you can do. I think reading the book might help you a lot. So maybe check it out if you get a chance.

    If your boyfriend's family has a history of addiction, chances are pretty good that he had a predisposition for addiction, too. There's a lot of genetics involved with the disease. But that doesn't mean he can't beat it. It'll take commitment and hard work, but he can do it...if he wants to.

    I'm keeping good thoughts for you and your boyfriend. We're here if you need us.
    Dominica likes this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I've never said this anywhere ever but genetics is why i haven't pursued a child of my own because i don't want my kid to hurt like this its a subject that will make it to my time
    Dominica, lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I totally understand that, @True concern. And I appreciate your honesty so much.

    So glad you're here with us.
    True concern likes this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I have wondered after a few year's sober if i could then have a baby with sober semen and not transfer the substance issue tendencies.i will study this because i really would like a child but not at the expense of their health and happiness.Probably the most painful desire i deny myself for good reason but it saddens me alot
    deanokat likes this.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    the thing that i wish he could see is that those things he struggles with... the anger, weight gain, lack of confidence, money issues, and yes, even addiction, are things he CAN get help with... he can LEARN new ways of living, but he's going to have to dig deep...face some deep pain he's locked away for years....and be patient b/c it takes time.....

    if you're able to be with him and consistently look beyond the "mess" he is in... not take it personal...stay lovingly detached (meaning you base your happiness level on YOU)... then staying won't be so awful... b/c YOU need to recover and learn some new tools too when living with an addict... make sense?
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  14. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @True concern not sure there is research to really answer such curiosity yet... well, lots of research but not clear answers... there are parents who have never been addicts produce kids that get addicted to alcohol or drugs or something... so who knows? stay on the sober path, keep healing layer after layer, and trust....
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  15. Reah Darr

    Reah Darr Active Contributor

    Hello. I am having a difficult night so I came here to read others posts in hopes to be able to get some strength-building for myself and I saw your post and read the other folks comments. Since I am in the position that your boyfriend is, I thought I would tell you my story in hopes that it can be of some help.

    My husband is terminally ill. He received a stage IV diagnosis 4 years ago (close to 5) and they immediately prescribed him oxycodone and oxycontin. His doses were increased as the time has gone by. Lord only knows why he is still on this earth with that diagnosis but I am not complaining.

    He was prescribed pills upon pills upon pills. At first I was shocked and concerned about how many he was given. Then my irritable guts started to take over my life. I had to rush him to the hospital numerous times and sometimes I had to rush to the bathroom at the most critical times. A friend mentioned that opioids were once prescribed for diarrhea so I started to take his. At first it was 5 mg a day and I've increased them the last couple of years to sometimes 40 to 50 mg / day. It got to the point that I can't even look the hospice nurse in the eye when she comes to the house. I was so afraid that my primary care physician would do blood tests and find the opioid in my blood stream that I neglected my own health. And I have my own health problems that really need to be taken care of. BTW, my husband's doctor prescribed so many that some months he would just toss the bottle into his dresser drawer so he has never had to go without because I was using up his meds. We literally had bottles for months that he didn't take.

    I am honestly wondering if other caregivers become addicted like I did.

    Sorry this is going on so long. I needed to give you the background on my own addiction. How did I feel? Guilty as hell. My husband did know that I was taking them and knew why I was taking them. So I tried to just stop taking them and experienced pains in my legs that were horrific as well as sneezing fits, runny nose, chills, you name it. Even being addicted to what some consider a minimal amount created a firestorm in my body when I tried stopping cold turkey.

    So I found this forum and posted my plea. And I am being helped by the kind people who post here. I couldn't stop because I took the pills not only to stop the diarrhea but also because I couldn't bear the physical pain. I'm an "older woman" so I do understand that a smaller amount can be highly addictive.

    The thing is, I think it is very important that your boyfriend makes a decision to stop taking them. For me, the oxy's are in full view of me right now but I am working really really hard to keep a taper down calendar, only remove the exact number of pills each day that I am allowing myself. I think that your boyfriend has to make a decision. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. It is really hard and really scary even though I didn't realize that I was getting a mental stimulation from the drugs until I started to taper them down. I am now in my third week of tapering down. I realize that this is probably not an option for your boyfriend but there are ways I would bet that he can actively address his addiction and find a way to approach it. I say all of this as someone who is dealing with addiction and has had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life at one of the hardest times in my life. I hope this helps even just a little bit. I'm probably not in any place in my life right now to even begin to give advice. Perhaps take this as coming from someone who even though I have very little time left with my husband (his cancer has spread to his brain and spinal cord) I want to be able to face everything that will be happening in my life without the added pain of addiction. I owe it to him and to myself. Peace to you.
  16. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    I love reading everything you write, @Reah Darr; it’s truly inspiring!
    Reah Darr and True concern like this.
  17. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thank you for sharing so openly with us, @Reah Darr. Your insight and honesty are very much appreciated, my friend.
    Reah Darr and True concern like this.
  18. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Reah Darr i am glad you are here sharing your story and advice. i think people need to hear about addiction from all sides!!

    i'm truly sorry for what you've had to go through with your husband's illness and your gastro problems. not easy at all, i'm sure.... try not to be too hard on yourself though.... emotional and/or physical pain causes many to reach for something to numb...ease...etc. just glad you are tapering down...

    i hope you are having a good day. truly grateful you are here in this community! <3
    Reah Darr, deanokat and True concern like this.
  19. Reah Darr

    Reah Darr Active Contributor

    Thanks everyone who commented. I was able to look my husband's hospice nurse in the eyes for the first time today.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  20. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Reah Darr That's wonderful!! :) You are a beautiful soul... never forget that.