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My mom is a crack addict...please help

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by deanokat, Dec 8, 2016.

  1. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @daughterofaddict... I started this thread for you. Let me know what you'd like me to title it, okay?
  2. While I am in no way defending my mom's decision to turn to drugs, let me lay out some things that have happened in her life. She was raped at 15 and had my older brother. A friend offered to marry her so her son could have a dad. A year and half later my twin brother and I were born. Shortly after that my dad's dad passed away and my dad lost his mind. I was 4 months old in ICU because he almost shook me to death. I recovered and she left him. During my younger years she dealt drugs to provide for us. We didn't know this until years later. She became her best customer, so to speak. When I was around 6 or 7, her then boyfriend molested me. I told her and we moved back to our house, which was only 2 houses away from his. During their relationship, he was high all the time, but I'm not sure what he was using. He forced my mom to play Russian Roulette with him. He was abusive and controlling. I forgot what had happened to me. When I was 10, my mom was arrested for forging a check, which to this day she claims her "friend" did it not her. Mom went to jail, and my brothers and I ended up in a group home. At some point during the first year in there I remembered being molested and told my housemom. Because my mom had been in the house when it occurred, they charged her. They couldn't charge the man who actually did it because he was in a mental institution at the time.
  3. A year after going into the group home my twin brother got kicked out for some reason, but he got to go home to mom, who was out of jail by that point. I wanted to go to mom too, so I did whatever I could to get myself kicked out, but because of me being molested, I was sent into foster care instead. My mom and twin brother basically ran the streets for several years. When I was 14 my brother called me in the middle of the night and told me that my uncle's friend (that he had been staying with after stealing a car) had drugged him and then molested him. I was pissed. I tried getting help to get him to come stay with me, but he later denied anything had happened. Nothing came of it, so he stayed where he was. Fast forward a few years. I had been adopted by my foster family and we moved to CA. I stayed in touch with my biological family. When I was 18 I came home to MO to reunite with my family. My mom was living with a great guy. No drug use evident. My brother lived in KS, but visited every other weekend. My mom married the guy and they were buying a home. Everything was looking up. Then, when I was 20, I answered the phone call that changed everything. My twin brother had committed suicide. At first we thought it was a prank call, but soon found out it was true. Shortly after that my mom lost everything except her husband. I didn't know anything about drugs, aside from weed. Everything was gone so quickly. I had given birth to twins the year before, so I had a lot going for me. Shortly after my brother's service I found out I was pregnant again. While I was at the doctor's for the diabetic testing at 6 months, my son's dad threw me to the floor in the exam room with no provocation and started kicking me in the stomach. 2 nurses, a security guard, and my doctor had to pull him off me. Just a side note here- yes, there a lot of details from my own life, but only because I feel they are relevant. I got my own apartment and things were starting to look up for me for awhile. Then my mom said she needed a place to crash for a few weeks. I didn't think much of it. Her and my stepdad seemed to argue a lot. Then I noticed my hard-earned money came up missing. That was my rent money-bill money-take care of the kids money. I was getting food stamps and cash assistance. My ebt card came up missing. I debated with myself on how to approach my mom. I decided to do it at my work with my boss and best friend to support me. Before she showed up there I called the number from my ebt card and checked my balance. My cash assistance was supposed to be there that day, but recent transactions said it had been put on the card and then withdrawn in another city. What??
  4. I was sooooo angry. I kicked my mom to the curb and tried to get back to my life. A few months later I got a call saying that my stepdad had saved money for a fresh start. They wanted me to go. I agreed. We moved into a duplex, my mom and stepdad in one side, my kids and I in the other. Seemed like everything was going great. I worked, my mom worked, my stepdad worked. I made the mistake of agreeing to let my mom handle all dealings with the landlord, including paying rent and utilities. I didn't know she was using again until I saw her outside with a rifle threatening to shoot herself (like my brother had done). She was completely out of control. She overdosed and almost died. I thought she learned her lesson. Shortly after that the landlord called saying my rent was 2 months behind. How? She spent it. My best friend for the previous couple of years (whom I'd fallen for, but couldn't be with) helped me pay off the landlord and I moved in with him. We became a couple, but then my mom started coming around again. She seemed ok. That is, until my friend noticed that she had been stealing from his bank account a little at a time. He told me that he loved me, but couldn't handle my family. 3rd home lost because of her. My adoptive family had moved back to MO by that time, and I called and asked them for a place to stay until I got back on my feet. They only had room for me and one kid, so I asked my ex to take the twins until I could get my own place again. He agreed. I stayed with my adoptive parents for a few months, but it became clear I wouldn't be able to save anything staying with them. They always had me babysitting my sister's kid, and I was unable to find work. I called my friend again and asked for help. He let me stay with him again for a little while. Within a week I had a job, and within 3 weeks I had an apartment. I was back on the up and up. I stayed in that place for a year. Then my stepdad had an accident at work. He got a workman's comp settlement and we were going to a new city for a fresh start. We moved, but had to stay in a motel while waiting for their trailer to be moved into the trailer park we were moving to. They bought me a trailer too, but bought it sight unseen. We were at the motel for 3 weeks, during which both my mom and stepdad remained in their room almost the whole time. Finally we got to move into the trailers. I saw my trailer and knew I couldn't live there with my son. There were holes in the floor and one of the walls could be pushed out to see daylight. Water pipes needed replaced, etc. (In case you are wondering, my ex had my twins still because I wasn't stable enough with all the things that happened). I had to stay in their trailer, but soon realized that they were BOTH using. I turned on the electric at my trailer and stayed there with my 4 year old son. Middle of winter, we were using a space heater in the closed off front room, just so I could keep my son away from the drugs.
  5. My stepdad quit the drugs, but my mom wasn't able to. Battle after battle, on and on it raged. Finally, my mom found a sugar daddy, using my stepdad's stepdad for all his money. It came out to be well over 10k that she got from him. He kept giving her money, even after my stepdad and I told him what she was doing. He "loved" her, so he would go so far as to buy the drugs and bring them to her!! She told him it was her "medicine". She somehow talked me into moving in with her sugar daddy so we could start over again without my stepdad. I had no intention of staying there long. It was almost tax return time, so I was biding my time until I got my money and then I planned on getting my own place again. Most of the money came up missing due to one excuse or another as to why she "needed" the money. I called a friend from the trailer park we had moved from and asked for information about a homeless program he had mentioned before. He came and got me and my son. I stayed at the shelter for 6 months. I took parenting classes, and studied about addictions. Eventually the homeless program paid to put me into a house. They would continue paying my rent as long as I volunteered at the office so many hours a week. Not a problem. After my lease ended I moved to another house. I was there for several months when my mom came to visit. She said she had been having seizures, but that she was ok. She collapsed on my kitchen floor, so I dragged her as best I could to the front room, put a pillow under her head and dialed 9-1-1. As soon as she heard who I was calling she popped right back up as if nothing had happened. She hung up the phone and told me she was fine. They called back to make sure everything was ok, but I told them she was still extremely shaky, and asked that they at least come check on her. She was so upset that she called her sugar daddy to come get her and then proceeded to cuss me out as she got her stuff together. The emt's checked her from a distance, because she wouldn't let them near her. As they left she turned to me and said she hated me. Her sugar daddy picked her up, but she collapsed getting into his car. He still took off with her. A few months later my stepdad called to say he needed my help. Mom was having absent seizures all the time and he was afraid to leave her and go to work. He said she wasn't able to use in her condition. I said I would help on the condition that if I found out she was using again I was gone. He said that was fair. Once again I moved, this time to KS. She was indeed having seizures all the time, but that didn't stop her from wanting the drugs as soon as she was coherent again. I was hoping she wasn't using, but knew it was futile. One day the neighbor called to say an old man was wandering around the trailer by her window. Her sugar daddy brought her "medicine". I went out and confronted him, took the drugs, and told him to leave before my stepdad got home. I took the drugs to the neighbor's house for her to hold until my stepdad got home for lunch, then I went inside. My mom asked what was going on, playing it stupid. Then she got mad when I said I got rid of the drugs and had called my stepdad to come home. I showed him the drugs and said I had to leave. I wasn't staying there. I had warned him. I called the lady who ran the homeless program and she picked me up. Once again my son and I were in a homeless shelter. Once again I found a place through them. I found a man and his daughter, we got engaged, and I moved in with them. Things didn't work out with us, so I got into public housing. My son and I were finally done with her, drugs, and being homeless. I stayed there for 2 years, during which my mom moved in with my grandma. My grandma would frequently call and complain because money was missing, or my mom would be gone for days with no word. I'd say "I know Grandma. You know what she's doing. Confront her." She never would. Eventually my mom broke my grandma's bank too. She drove my grandma's van into the ground. It was a repeat of similar talks for a few years. I finally moved into a trailer and was working from home making pretty decent money. Then I got a call that my grandma was in the hospital after collapsing at the nursing rehab facility she was in. She passed away a week later. A month went by and my mom was struggling making ends meet at the house. She said she was supposed to be getting an SSI check every month but there was some kind of delay. Once again, I uprooted my son to help her. Since I worked from home I thought it would work out. However, the city I moved to didn't have the required internet speeds to be able to keep my job, so I lost that too. Now we were down to only the income I had caring for my mom, which wasn't much. A month after moving in I found out I had breast cancer. Then it was going to chemo appts every 2 weeks. 7 months of chemo. During that time, we tried having a garage sale to earn some bill money/gas money and on day 1 of the sale we brought in almost a thousand bucks. Mom spent over 300 just that night. All in all, we had almost 2000 from the sale that weekend, and somehow it was gone within a week and NONE was used on the bills. Mom had all the right answers as to why the money went so quickly, but even then it didn't sound completely right. She kept promising me that she was doing really well and being a "good girl". She was full of crap, and part of me knew it, but I didn't want to believe that in the circumstances we were in, that she would be that stupid. We lost my grandma's house, and I lost my home, my job....grrrrrrrrrrrr. We agreed to move back to the city where my son had spent most of his life so that he would be more comfortable. At first we were looking for a place together, but then I told her that I couldn't live with her constant mood swings, and the way she would go off on my son for the littlest things. I applied and was accepted back into the public housing apartments. She was getting help from her mental health worker to get into a program that would help her get and keep a place. She had to say that she was about to start getting her SSI checks since I had seen the mail, but she said that because her bank account had gone $500 in the hole she would only get 200 for Oct. Supposedly she used it on gas. I let her stay with me after the bank foreclosed on my grandma's house. It lasted about 2 weeks. Then I went looking for some kind of paraphernalia. Instead I found a bank statement showing that she had been getting her checks for a couple months. Full checks. I should have known. Anyway...once again I asked her to leave. I told her I will no longer subject myself to constantly wondering where she is, if she's using, and if she is even still alive. That was almost 2 months ago. I talk to her every other day or so, but I'm afraid she is about to OD without someone there to keep an eye on her. I saw her today and she has a bloody looking eye, and a burn on her lip. She claims the burn is from fever blisters. Grrrrrr!!! I don't know what I can do, or how I can help her. I want to distance myself, but I still love her. Suggestions?
  6. Thanks for creating this thread for me
    deanokat likes this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @daughterofaddict... Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing with us. I'm sorry it was so difficult for you to post your story here, but I'm glad we finally worked things out. I was more than happy to start the thread for you.

    You and your family have certainly gone through more than your share of difficult times. Please know that my heart goes out to you. Having a loved one struggle with addiction is hard enough; having to go through it on top of everything else that's happened to you and your family over the years must be...well, I can't even imagine.

    I know you still love your mother, but I think distancing yourself from her is a good idea. As Melody Beattie writes in her fabulous book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, detaching from a loved one does not mean we don’t care. It simply means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. It means we refuse to become addicted to our loved one's addiction and let it rule our lives, too.

    The most important thing you can do at this point is take good care of yourself. Self-care is absolutely essential when you're in a situation like yours. You have to put yourself first on the priority list. Because you're the only one you have complete control over. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach, "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." It sounds so simple, but it's true. No matter how much you want your loved one to stop using drugs, the only person who can make that happen is your loved one. That's sometimes a tough realization to come to, but it's 100 percent true.

    You and your kids are the most important people in your life. Your mother is important, too, but if she's using drugs and refuses to stop or seek help for her problem, you are powerless. I used to tell my addicted son, "I can't want it more than you." And that's so true.

    Tell your mom you love her. Tell her how her drug use affects you and your kids. Ask her to please consider getting some help for her addiction. Tell her you will support her and help her if she decides to get help. But if she isn't willing to do the work necessary for her to get clean, you have to detach...with love. You can't make yourself sick because of your mom's illness.

    I don't know if you've ever gone to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting, but I think it would be a very good thing for you. Being around others who know exactly what you're going through and what you're feeling can be very helpful and comforting. You will quickly realize that you are not alone.

    There's also another fabulous book out there that my help you. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change and it's written specifically for loved ones of people struggling with addiction. It teaches how to communicate with your addicted loved one better (with love and empathy instead of confrontation and anger), how to talk to them to help motivate them to want to change, and--most importantly--how to take care of yourself while you're dealing with your loved one's problem. I recommend this book to everyone who has a loved one battling addiction and I'm recommending it to you, too.

    I want to commend you again for reaching out to us. And for navigating your way through everything you've been through. You must be an incredibly strong and courageous woman. Please know that we are here to offer up help and support however we can. Even if you just need to vent, we will listen without judgment. You are safe here, my friend, so please don't hesitate to post anytime.

    I am sending you big hugs full of love, light, and hope. And I will keep you and your family--especially your mother--in my thoughts and prayers.
  8. Thank you. It isn't easy even to admit that there is a problem that I can't overcome. I wish my mom could just see what she is doing to others. She thinks she is totally fine, and that using every now and then isn't a problem. She has an excuse for everything, and can answer a direct question with a lie so quickly it amazes me. She lies about the simplest things...things that most people wouldn't even think of lying about. On top of dealing with her crap, I am recovering from a double mastectomy. I have enough on my plate. Once again I got an excuse from her as to why her money is gone 6 days after getting it. Sigh...
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @daughterofaddict... You have to take care of yourself. Especially in light of your current condition. You need to practice self-care and heal from your surgery. You need to take care of your kids. As much as you love your mother, she's a grown woman who has to realize for herself that she's on the wrong path. No matter how much you want to change that, it's really out of your control. Put yourself first. Be good to YOU. You so deserve it.

    Sending you healing thoughts and prayers. And a gentle hug.