An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

My NEVER ending story..

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by jessie03, Sep 27, 2018.

  1. jessie03

    jessie03 Member

    Because of my drug addiction I have lost everything.. custody of my daughter, my job, car, family, friends, and even my health at 21 years old.. I have been using since 2014 and in 2017 I got endocarditis from using someone elses needle.. because of that i almost died twice i had to have heart surgery that the doctors said i wouldnt make it through and two weeks after surviving that they found an abccess on my spine in my neck so i had to have neck surgery to remove that but before it was removed i suffered from numerous strokes that have caused me to lose functions of my triceps and function of my bowels and bladder.. and that didnt change anything bc 5 months later i OD and my heart stopped beating for 8 minutes.. its a year later and im still having serious health problems i had to have another surgery on my neck bc the abcess caused it to curve in the wrong direction so now i have plates and screws in my neck and now they are talking about surgery to remove my colon completely ... i also have sever nerve damage. ive been on subutex for about 3 moths now but it doesnt help the pain nothing helps the pain .. i finally found a stable home though with my dads ex wife im blessed to have her shes been letting me stay with her for about a year now even through my relapses shes still been here for me and i get to see my daughter weekly now.. but just trying to deal with all of this is so hard ive been waiting on disability for over a year and not having custody of my daughter is so hard on me and her she cries everytime she leaves and i cry when shes gone .. i am here to look for support bc i dont really have anyone to talk to and all the things i am going through i know people on here will understand.. i just want to stay clean and live a normal life but all the stress and physical/emotional pain makes it so hard..
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @jessie03... Welcome to the community. I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through, but I'm glad you found us and reached out.

    I'm wondering: Have you ever seen an addiction specialist? They can assess your situation and recommend the best next steps. Addiction specialists are doctors who are thoroughly trained in all aspects of addiction, so they know way more about it than "regular" doctors. Seeing one might really help you.

    What about attending support group meetings? Groups like NA, AA, and SMART Recovery (12-step alternative) can be incredibly helpful and comforting, because the people there know exactly what you're going through and feeling. If you can't attend meetings in person, there are even online meetings.

    I also thing talking to a therapist who specializes in treating patients struggling with addiction would be good for you. So often there are underlying issues that contribute to a person's addiction. A good therapist can help you discover and confront those root causes, which can make getting and staying clean a lot easier.

    We are here to help and support you any way we can. If you need advice, have questions, or just need folks to talk to, you can find that here. You are not alone! Please don't hesitate to lean on us anytime you'd like, okay?

    I'm sending you lots of love, light, hope, and encouragement. You can get clean if you set your mind to it. I know you can. No matter how many times you've tried in the past, there's always hope. So please don't ever give up.

    Big hugs coming your way.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @jessie03 hello and welcome. i am glad you're here.

    i agree with dean to do your best to try to find professionals to help you on various levels. have you been to a t herapist for any amount of time? support groups? i know you're dealing with a lot, and it's a lot to try to handle on your own.

    i'm glad you have a safe place to stay. that is a blessing!! keep trying, ok? and know that you can come here anytime to share. we will listen and encourage you, no matter what!!!

    are you a book reader?? if so, we can recommend some excellent books and resources...

    sending hug!
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Yep...ok that hurt to read so you don't feel alone here is my story.....

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you.

    Now obviously I have copied and pasted this many time's but very rarely....actually never have I read a story that made me so sad,I thought mine was bad...I usually try my best to dig deep in my heart to supply word's of inspiration but I have to be honest any word's are pointless unless you truly want your life back and if you do you can take word's of encouragement and mold them mentally in away that will benefit you...Your so young and have been through so much...I will respond deeper tomorrow but please before I think of you all night,which I will,I can't not because this fuc*ing hurt like hell to read please tell me why after all you have been through do you continue to relapse?Also who is supplying the drug's you relapse with?I'm not asking for a name I'm asking who is the dealer to you?Friend?Family?Random?May God Ease the pain in your soul and heal the wounds that confine you.Stay Strong and God Bless
    Dominica likes this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @jessie03 Love yourself it's absolutely necessary
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @jessie03... Read what @True concern wrote up there ↑↑↑. Self-love is sooooooo important!!!!

    Sending you big hugs.