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My story

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Beany, Aug 20, 2018.

  1. Beany

    Beany Member

    Hi all
    I am living in the uk and have had problems with addiction all my life. From caffeine nicotine cannibis and no cocaine and alcohol.
    I have had therapy and have worked as a therapist myself which is why sharing is so difficult for me. I work with teenagers also and I function to a high degree in my work. My shame level is high due to my work.
    I have recently started to have a problem with cocaine.
    It started socially where I thought it would be fine to have the odd line. I live in a place where everyone is doing it and I mean everyone. It has become like smoking.
    It has come to the point where I have gone through my savings and this month I went through £300. I cannot afford this money and I am scared that it has got a grip on me. I had a little left and threw it away. That I am proud of. But I fear in a week or two I am going to be looking again. I hope this sight is confidential as I feel so ashamed due to my work. Thanks for allowing me to share my story and being there xx
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Beany. It's always nice to have people join us from across the pond. I'm glad you found us and reached out.

    I know you're feeling bad, but try not to be ashamed. You're not a bad person; you just have an illness called addiction. And you are not alone. There are millions and millions of people who struggle with addiction every single day.

    I'm proud of you for getting rid of the cocaine you had left. Do you have any plan in place for what you'll do if you get an urge to use again? Having a plan would be a good thing. Is there anyone you're able to talk to? Maybe another therapist? Just a thought.

    We are here to help and support you however we can. And we will always listen if you need to vent.

    Sending you lots of hope and encouragement.
    Dominica and Beany like this.
  3. Beany

    Beany Member

    Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I have talked to my husband who has been great. I needed to open up and it helped. I am asking people I know not to reply if I make any contactim having a think about what to do if I get the urge. Maybe come on here. Any suggestions would be great thank you x
    deanokat likes this.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Beany

    Hello and welcome! I think it's wonderful that you're here and that you're reaching out for support. I agree with Dean that you shouldn't beat yourself up. As you know, addiction it's not something that you choose. I am super glad to hear that you are wanting to address this addiction. Coping with urges you can try several different things. Of course you certainly can come on here anytime. I know sometimes it helps people to keep recovery fresh on their mind. Maybe grab a book or two and start reading them and keep recovery first in your life. Journaling might help. I'm sure you're well aware of some various skills since you have had therapy and have worked as a therapist. So perhaps it's a fresh commitment to be consistent doing what you find works for you.

    And of course dealing with anything that you think might be underneath that addiction. I find the is going smoothly emotionally for me, i'm craving a lot less or wanting to numb out a lot less.

    Again I'm super glad that you're here! Welcome aboard!
    deanokat and Beany like this.
  5. Beany

    Beany Member

    Thank you so much
    I am reading again as I feel
    It keeps me focused. I have looked at my addiction in depth with various therapist. My underlying issue comes from my mother trying to commit suicide after I was born. It’s a tricky one as I cannot verbalise or rationalise the emptiness. I know it’s there but often it spirals before I realise. I have been a therapist for 15 years and had my own counselling all the way through my training. My upbringing was difficult with my mam an addict and Dad in prison a lot. I’m not blaming them but I learned from a young age that being angry or upset would be bad for my mother. Typical co-dependency traits began. As I wasn’t allowed to feel i built up a coping mechanism to be there for her and numb out any pain. I have looked in depth at this but as I am talking right now I can see my recent trigger. My stepdad passed away xmas time and he suffered from brain cancer. All the way through I took care of Mam but kept a brave face on. As a therapist it’s so easy to help others learn about themselves but unfortunately my problems are not that easy. I have been looking at local na groups in my area and this sight has been really helpful. Thanks for the idea of a journey as I feel this will be good for me.ironically it’s excacly what I would advice my clients to do x thank you bless you xx
    deanokat likes this.