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My Wonderful Father Was An Alcoholic

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Amelie Santos, Nov 17, 2015.

  1. Amelie Santos

    Amelie Santos Active Contributor

    He was a great man, but his one fatal flaw eventually took him away from us. I remember hearing my auntie and my mom talking one time about their husbands, and my auntie told my mom that she's lucky she only had to compete with alcohol, whereas she (my auntie) had to deal with other women. My mother said, "I think I'd prefer the other women". I haven't dared ask her about that, but I'm sure her stance hasn't changed. At least if the problem were just mistresses, he might still be alive today.

    Like I said, he was a wonderful father. I wouldn't still be crying for him and missing him 14 years later if he weren't. He was never abusive (well, at least not to people other than himself). In fact, he actually transformed into a pussycat when he was drunk. I was usually scared of him when he was sober (I was a stubborn, willful child and my dad believed that if you spared the rod, you spoiled the child) because he was stern and strict. But never when he was drunk. When he was drunk, I was scared FOR him. I didn't like seeing my confident, self-assured, and larger-than-life dad look so vulnerable and lost. But I guess he had a lot of demons, and he tried to cope the only way he knew how.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Amelie Santos... Thanks for sharing from your heart. I'm sorry that alcohol took your father from you.

    My father was also an alcoholic, but when he drank he was anything but a pussycat. So be very thankful that your dad was not abusive to you or your mom when he was drunk.

    A lot of people turn to alcohol and drugs to help battle their demons. Little do they realize that they're fighting demons with demons. And that is never a good idea.

    Thanks again for sharing so honestly with us.

    Peace and hugs.
    Amelie Santos likes this.
  3. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    Your story has such a tragic ending, but I hope your grieving period is over now and you learned some lessons too with his death. Don't be sad, because he is in a better place now even if you can't see him.
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  4. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Sorry for the lost and still nice to read that you considered him a wonderful father as most of the alcoholic fathers I know are not that "wonderful". So it can still be said that you are lucky that he was not abusive even he got alcohol problem.
    Amelie Santos and deanokat like this.
  5. Amelie Santos

    Amelie Santos Active Contributor

    Thank you all for the kind words. Yes, I am lucky especially compared to countless others who have had to deal with both alcoholism and abuse. It's actually when I went on this forum and read the other stories that I realized very few people were treated kindly by their alcoholic loved ones. This helps put things in perspective for me, because most of the time, I feel kind of pitiful compared to my friends, most of whom still have both parents with them. Now I know I really have no cause to complain.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. lexinonomous

    lexinonomous Community Champion

    My heart breaks for you. My father is in a similar situation. Alcohol has been his biggest weakness and I fear that it will one day take his life. I am sorry that you had to go through this. You should never feel pitiful compared to friends. You are entitled to feel however you want to feel. We all grieve loss differently and we never really forget our loved ones.
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  7. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    So sorry for the loss of your Dad. It is hard to loss a parent but even more tragic when it could have been prevented, had he sought the help that he needed. Alcoholism is a terrible disease. I can see what your mom meant by what she said. It is hard to watch the one you love destroying their life and their is really nothing you can do about it. You live with it every day. I am glad to hear that you Dad was not an abusive man. As you have read many are when they drink. They become mean and abusive. Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my Dad 15 years ago through natural cases. He passed in his sleep. There is not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. My mom passed away 2 years ago. Life sure is different when your parents are gone! God Bless you!
    Amelie Santos and deanokat like this.
  8. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Alot of people who abuse alcohol are fun loving, kind,generous, hardworking and social people. I had an uncle who was an alcoholic, that was extremely well regarded in the community, and I would say loved by all who knew him. He was manager of a men's clothing store, and new many of the important people in town. He also passed out the presents at Christmas time and told the same joke to the kids every year and was a shriner. He got sober relatively late in his life, but it took, and the AA community liked him as well. I am sorry for your dad. It couldn't have been easy.
    Amelie Santos and deanokat like this.
  9. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @Amelie Santos Hello and thank you for the courage of sharing your story with us in this forum! You are an example of an adorable daughter who had good words for her father amidst his shortcomings in life. I am sure he is really a great man and a wonderful father because you will not be crying and missing him despite what he had been through in his life while he was still alive. And it is nice to know that he is not an abusive when he is drunk and that makes him different from all other alcoholics. Even though, life is really like that and he had passed away already during the prime time of his life. But don't be sad because he is now at peace and no more alcohol problems that can give you worries for him. Just be strong and move on with your life even your father is not already there in your life. :)
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2015
    deanokat and Amelie Santos like this.
  10. Amelie Santos

    Amelie Santos Active Contributor

    You guys are making me cry. :) Finding this forum has been a godsend, because it's been so cathartic to share about this part of my life. I used to just talk to myself in the bathroom or while I'm driving. It's hard for me to open up to friends because even though they mean well, they don't really understand what it feels to have a dead dad, much less one who used to be an alcoholic. @lexinonomous I pray that your dad will be able to give up alcohol and live a long, healthy life. @L_B we'll never really be able to get over it, will we? But I guess we're lucky that we miss them so much - it means we were blessed to have had great parents. So many people in this forum were not as fortunate. @kgord I'm happy your uncle survived with flying colors and is thriving. We all could use some good news. :) @ReadmeByAmy thank you so much for your kind words. :) Your message was what really had the tears coming. God bless you all!
    deanokat likes this.
  11. dkelly

    dkelly Active Contributor

    My father was an alcoholic and he was verbally abusive when drunk. When he is sober he is intelligent and insightful but most of the time he is falling over drunk. I think he is the perfect example of wasted potential. Unfortunately his poor choices affected all of us.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    L_B likes this.
  13. irishrose

    irishrose Community Champion

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to feel what losing a parent whom you love very much feels like, however, I am sure that it is devastating. It is great that you have such good memories of him. Focus on the good memories. Perhaps your experience with your father's alcoholism will allow you to spread light upon other poster's situations.
    deanokat likes this.
  14. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    Reminds me of stories my husband has told me about his grandfather. Wonderful guy but had seen a lot in the war and turned to alcohol to cope. Was never violent or aggressive but alcoholism was ultimately his undoing too.
    deanokat likes this.
  15. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Amelie Santos, I am late getting here to give you a great big welcome but I can always trust the others here to make you feel at home. It's obvious you're already settling comfortably with your new friends and family. I am really glad your journey brought you here.

    While you say the forum has been a godsend for you, you ought to know that you are a godsend to us. I am inspired by your story as I am sure many others are. There is a light that shines throw in your posts that I pray will be able to help others in whatever struggle they might be facing. I am particularly heartened that out of what you had to endure you still found something of value to hold on to. " he was a wonderful father" and that's something to hold on to and never let go. Welcome again Amelie.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. 6up

    6up Community Champion

    You can not blame him for the life he led because you were never close to him to realise his stress, you feared him and you could not ask about it. There must have been something that he hid from you or your family. That usually happens when we do know show addicts love and usually blame them for their status. Your mother might be knowing the reason but she may not want to tell you. Talk to her so that you may save a relative going through the same.
    deanokat likes this.
  17. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    Hello Amelie! Allow me to express my sympathy. You seem to have a deep understanding of your father's situation but unfortunately couldn't think of a concrete way to help him. I'm sure you're doing your best to love him despite what he'd been through and, instead of resenting him, this love made you see him in a better light even after his passing. You were and still are a good daughter and your father must have felt so blessed to have you in his life.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    You are always welcome! Don't cry all of us had good and bad times in our life and you are not alone. Like what I had said just be strong for yourself and for your family whom your father had left behind. Life is beautiful and always have that smile in your face like the one you had in your picture :)
    deanokat likes this.