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Need a little encouragement...

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by wifelife04, May 23, 2018.

  1. wifelife04

    wifelife04 Member

    Hi all,
    I am a recovering opiate addict. I have been an addict for about 6 years now..My story starts out pretty predictable I guess. I was in a very mentally abusive relationship for about 3 years. My partner was an addict, however at the time I had not realized. I knew that he took pills, but I did not realize or really understand that it was a "problem." Through most of our relationship I had not even considered taking pills-I was the person who always said, "I could never be addicted, I just don't understand how it happens to people." Boy do I wish I still had that mentality. Anyways, long story short-he talked me into trying it one night. The first few times I tried pp's I absolutely hated it. It made me puke, made me miserable, and I just wasn't myself. After my first couple of encounters I avoided them at all costs. Not to mention he was recently unemployed and I was funding his habit without understanding the depth or severity of it. I guess I should add in that I was only 17 at the time. Apart from his addiction, our relationship was absolutely toxic. I had been trying to get out for a long long time, but every time I would try he would threaten me/threaten taking his own life. Eventually the time came when I decided enough was enough and left. I had just graduated high school and a newly single me clung to a close friend. This friend was someone who experimented with any and all drugs and partied regularly. Eventually, while coping from the breakup, this became my life too. I would take adderall to stay up and drink all night, and then pain pills to cope with the adderall hang over. At this point I didn't consider myself an addict, I was just "having fun" and "living a little." As time progressed both this "friend" and I went from taking pills to "have fun," to taking pills to get through each day. Keep in mind that I was newly graduated, going to college full time, and holding a full time job, and also recovering from a very psychologically damaging relationship. As time progressed this friend and I went from mainly taking adderall each day to taking pain pills each day. Although it started out as having fun, it turned into an addiction. I think that the addiction grew and grew because-1. I was young and didn't have financial responsibilty (I could spend half my pay check on pills and still make it) and 2. I was now so scared to withdraw that I just avoided it and went further down the rabbit hole. As I got older and life presented responsibilities the addiction became something to maintain a "normal" life rather than something I was doing "for fun." The last several years I have been what some would call a "functioning addict." I live my life like anyone else would, except I took pills to maintain normal each day. I have a full time job, I very close with my family, and it simply wasn't possible for me to take time off to let myself withdraw. I had to take pills to continue through each day like a normal working class citizen. Let me add in that the only person who knew about my addiction was the friend mentioned earlier and my new boyfriend. So let me fast forward a few years later. I hit my own personal rock bottom and decided that this is not who I am or who I ever wanted to be and contacted my doctor about starting suboxone. I have been on it for a year now, and have touched a pain pill (or any drug for the matter) since starting it. I feel back to myself-for the most part, I'm not constantly worried about finding pills just to make it through work like a normal person, I'm thriving at work and in college, and I feel better physically and mentally (although I still struggle with anxiety/depression which are unrelated and existed before the addiction.) However, when starting the program my doctor suggested that we stay at a relativity high dose for a year, and then taper for a year. Now that I have reached that year mark I am terrified for what's to come. I personally don't think that I am mentally ready/strong enough to begin tapering. It has taken this whole year for me to reach a point where I am proud of myself. I am fearful that if we begin tapering already that this next year will fly by and I will be back to square one. I cannot let myself venture down that path again, but I fear that I am not prepared to just "stop" quite yet. Two years of suboxone treatment sounds like plenty of time, but when you consider the number of years that I have been an addict, 2 years is just a drop in the bucket. I will express to my doctor that I don't think that I am ready, but he thinks that I am not a "severe enough" addict to be on the treatment long term. I am so terrified that we are taking this too quick. I absolutely cannot go back to where I was.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @wifelife04

    Hello and thank you for reaching out. I think it's great that you have taken control of your life as you have, going to the doctor and getting on Suboxone to get off of pain pills. I do understand how you can be afraid right now of tapering, b/c you don't want those daunting withdrawals. But what if it won't be as bad as you think? What if you are ready to start tapering more? I think no matter when you start this next phase, you going to have some apprehension.

    There may be some things you can do to work on your mindset and mentality moving forward. Perhaps this could be done with a therapist? However, I think the final decision will be up to you and your discussion with your doctor. At what point would you think tapering would be a good idea to start?
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @wifelife04 I can hear the panic in your story and i feel for you,you have to come to terms with what you have created before you can defeat it,its not easy and i believe you should share your concerns openly with people who can be there for support,if you don't share anywhere else share here as many of us here will try our best to be there with you as much as possible through this thing called technology.The reality is the longer you wait the harder it will be to get your life back,i am a recovering addict of opiates and i nearly died in my addiction's several times.You have to find something other than success that drives you because in your current situation the pill's enable your ability to succeed however the pill's will never stop taking more and more of who you truly are.I think you should start tapering as soon as possible but you have to be mentally prepared for whats ahead or your anxiety will eat you alive.Try some meetings,get a sponsor to be there for you or reach out here or both.I don't really have a fix all answer because there isn't one but just be aware the further down the hole you go the further you will have to climb to get out.Stay Strong and focus you can do this you are worth more than addiction has to offer.Take Care and God Bless
    Dominica likes this.
  4. chaosandroses

    chaosandroses Member

    I just wanted to say how much I'm empathizing with you. I was 17 when I started on Rx abuse, but it was my parents who opened the doors. It started as a wonderdul feeling of "aliveness". I became (still am, unfortunately) a functional addict. I run a business, work out 7 days a week, and still maintain relationships with my family. Through it all, I'm either on something or worrying how I'm going to get something, and during those times, I'm really only functioning at the base level.

    I am very intuitive and sensitive to people's emotions, and I empathize very well. I may be behind in recovery, because I'm only now truly wanting it, but I thought maybe we could both help each other out. A wise person in my life told me "the best way to help yourself is to help others." And it's true. Other people, especially those in similar circumstances, are a reflection of our own thoughts and dilemmas, and when we help them, we reveal truths and answers in ourselves. Reading yours and writing this has even helped a little with my sitting here consumed by the thought that my supply of painkillers may actually be gone as of today.

    I know this isn't exactly encouragement, but I hope maybe it can turn into it! I admire you for being clean a whole year so far!
    wifelife04 and Dominica like this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @chaosandroses it is true that helping others can indeed help us :)

    hope your day is going alright.
    True concern likes this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion


    I wrote a very lengthy response on your other post,like i wrote you a book.Stay Strong and God Bless
    deanokat likes this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @wifelife04... How are you doing? Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you today. If you have a minute, please check in with us and let us know how you are. We care.
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @wifelife04 i'm with dean wondering how you are doing!!! we are here for you!
    deanokat likes this.
  9. wifelife04

    wifelife04 Member

    Thank you so much for the responses. I haven't been on here in a bit as I haven't been getting response notifications through email...I thought I was still on no man's land. You have no idea how much I appreciate each and every one of your replies. As an update..I am still on the program, same dose. Last time I went and saw my doctor it was a very brief visit. He was in and out of the room without making much conversation. It was the end of the day and I assume he was ready to wrap it up. I didn't really get the opportunity to speak with him. As of now, I feel like I would be comfortable tapering after another year..However, once that year comes who knows if I will still feel comfortable. Just like with pills, I would always say, "Okay, after this week I'm ready to be done" and then that week would come and go and I'd change my mind. I have been really considering getting a sponsor..I have an extremely supportive husband, but he is going through the same journey. Let me add in that I do not go to NA meetings or any type of recovery counseling..This will sound like an excuse, but it is a valid fear of mine that I am afraid to face...I live in a small community where everyone somehow knows someone you know. For example, if I'm at Walmart, I may not personally know someone there, but several people probably know me as "so and so's daughter." As I stated in my initial post, my addiction is very private and only a small number of people know that I am recovering. I also work a job where I built close relationships with our clients and I am afraid of hindering my ability to build relationships based on the label placed on addicts. That is the reason that I have seeked support through sites such as this one, so it can be done anonymously. I also realize that some see suboxone as a crutch or another form of addiction, but when comparing this to self medicating, I would rather do something that at least gives me the chance at recovery. I honestly believe that the program will work for those who want it to work and I want this deep within my soul. I want it so bad it hurts. I have always been someone who "always does the right thing," and this is so opposite of that..I have so much guilt and shame built up over this and when telling my story it seems like it should be someone else's. I think that if I confronted some of my friends or family members with my truth that they wouldn't believe me. I guess I am to the point of rambling, but it does feel good to express my thoughts and feelings to a supportive and understanding community without worrying about judgement.
    Jai50 and True concern like this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @wifelife04 It's nice to hear from you,im glad thing's are fairly stable and i'm sorry the dr didn't take a few minutes to talk to you and i believe we have all run into that and i do understand your concern of the small town gossip,i also understand you have to protect your professional career.I pray everything eases for both you and your husband addiction is a very tough thing and most of us affected by it spend the majority of our time trying to overcome it.Stay Strong and God Bless please share as often as you want this community stays pretty active on support for one another.Take Care
  11. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Good to hear from you, @wifelife04. Happy to hear you're doing alright. And no need to apologize, my friend. You weren't rambling at all.

    Keep us up to date on how things go for you, okay? We're here for you and we care!
    True concern likes this.
  12. wifelife04

    wifelife04 Member

    I think the worst thing about this addiction is that it could have completely been avoided..I was raised with good values, and addiction is not something that "runs in the family." It simply started out as teenage me having fun and ended up following me into adulthood and being my crutch rather than my weekend splurge. It does completely grab onto people. I just always look back and think that if I would have just been a home body (like I am now, and my "happy place") that this would never be a problem for me. It was my adolescent mind telling myself that I need to try new things and "live a little."
    deanokat likes this.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @wifelife04 hi there! i hear you... hindsight is so much better, huh? but the good news is that you've learned some really valuable lessons about you, others, and life in general along your journey...your recovery...

    you sound good, and that makes me smile.
    True concern likes this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am happy you are taking part in this,i know for myself i would be lost without this site at this point in my life.I only have roughly 5month's sober and my thoughts and emotions are all over the place but just typing thing's down and getting feed back is really helping me at this time and i could not imagine bottling everything up again,i can't handle it all on my own not yet maybe never so i am grateful.It's really good to hear from you have a beautiful day
    deanokat likes this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    True, @wifelife04. Unfortunately, none of us know exactly how our brains are wired before we start experimenting with alcohol or drugs. And by the time we figure out that we are prone to addiction, it's too late. It would be nice if we could somehow get to a point where people who were more susceptible to addiction could be identified early on in their lives. Then they could make a more informed decision about using or not using substances later on...instead of playing a game of Russian Roulette, where the "bullet" is the disease of addiction.
    wifelife04, Dominica and True concern like this.
  16. wifelife04

    wifelife04 Member

    Yes! I agree..being able to type down my feelings does help. I can talk to my husband about my thoughts, but he is very mentally strong whereas I am not..so he doesn't quite understand why I feel like I feel and doesn't understand how I can't just change my way of thinking. Side note..does anyone know how to go about getting a sponsor? It's something I've really been considering but I don't know where to start or who/what to look for.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  17. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    It really does help,to get a sponsor i believe all you have to do is go to a AA/NA meeting and at the one i go to at the end they ask if anyone want's to be a sponsor and does anyone need a sponsor.I imagine they do the same at all of them maybe with slight differences and usually from what i have heard and seen the sponsor's have a good amount of sober time like a few year's up to one guy where i go has over 20 year's sober.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  18. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    I agree and know exactly what ur talking about. Makes me feel I'm not alone.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  19. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    The easiest way to get a sponsor is to find someone at a meeting that has “what you want”. I’ve lost two sponsors now due to geographical relocation. So I’m looking to find a new one. So at a meeting I look around the room and listen to everyone who speaks and I find the woman who has what I want. For me that is, “confidence, serenity, a sense of humor about addiction, is pretty laid back, says things that make me think, seems wise” usually that means they have more sobriety than me. I’ve found that the best way to ask someone to be your sponsor is to ask them to be your “temporary sponsor” first. It puts less pressure on things and makes it easier to get out in case it’s not a good fit (I’ve had that happen also). Finding a great sponsor is kind of like finding a great partner in life. So sometimes it can take more than one try. I’ve had wonderful sponsors who really changed my life, my views on addiction, and beyond anything else they taught me how to stay sober. The relationship between a sponsor and a sponsee is very precious:) I hope you find a great one and if not there are always more to choose from. Good luck my friend. Oh also @True concern is right, a lot of meetings ask those questions at the end of the meeting but sometimes they don’t, also I’ve found that even women who don’t raise their hand saying they will sponsor will infact sponsor you if you ask them. Like if someone seeks them out they aren’t going to say no.
    deanokat and True concern like this.