Hi all, I am a recovering opiate addict. I have been an addict for about 6 years now..My story starts out pretty predictable I guess. I was in a very mentally abusive relationship for about 3 years. My partner was an addict, however at the time I had not realized. I knew that he took pills, but I did not realize or really understand that it was a "problem." Through most of our relationship I had not even considered taking pills-I was the person who always said, "I could never be addicted, I just don't understand how it happens to people." Boy do I wish I still had that mentality. Anyways, long story short-he talked me into trying it one night. The first few times I tried pp's I absolutely hated it. It made me puke, made me miserable, and I just wasn't myself. After my first couple of encounters I avoided them at all costs. Not to mention he was recently unemployed and I was funding his habit without understanding the depth or severity of it. I guess I should add in that I was only 17 at the time. Apart from his addiction, our relationship was absolutely toxic. I had been trying to get out for a long long time, but every time I would try he would threaten me/threaten taking his own life. Eventually the time came when I decided enough was enough and left. I had just graduated high school and a newly single me clung to a close friend. This friend was someone who experimented with any and all drugs and partied regularly. Eventually, while coping from the breakup, this became my life too. I would take adderall to stay up and drink all night, and then pain pills to cope with the adderall hang over. At this point I didn't consider myself an addict, I was just "having fun" and "living a little." As time progressed both this "friend" and I went from taking pills to "have fun," to taking pills to get through each day. Keep in mind that I was newly graduated, going to college full time, and holding a full time job, and also recovering from a very psychologically damaging relationship. As time progressed this friend and I went from mainly taking adderall each day to taking pain pills each day. Although it started out as having fun, it turned into an addiction. I think that the addiction grew and grew because-1. I was young and didn't have financial responsibilty (I could spend half my pay check on pills and still make it) and 2. I was now so scared to withdraw that I just avoided it and went further down the rabbit hole. As I got older and life presented responsibilities the addiction became something to maintain a "normal" life rather than something I was doing "for fun." The last several years I have been what some would call a "functioning addict." I live my life like anyone else would, except I took pills to maintain normal each day. I have a full time job, I very close with my family, and it simply wasn't possible for me to take time off to let myself withdraw. I had to take pills to continue through each day like a normal working class citizen. Let me add in that the only person who knew about my addiction was the friend mentioned earlier and my new boyfriend. So let me fast forward a few years later. I hit my own personal rock bottom and decided that this is not who I am or who I ever wanted to be and contacted my doctor about starting suboxone. I have been on it for a year now, and have touched a pain pill (or any drug for the matter) since starting it. I feel back to myself-for the most part, I'm not constantly worried about finding pills just to make it through work like a normal person, I'm thriving at work and in college, and I feel better physically and mentally (although I still struggle with anxiety/depression which are unrelated and existed before the addiction.) However, when starting the program my doctor suggested that we stay at a relativity high dose for a year, and then taper for a year. Now that I have reached that year mark I am terrified for what's to come. I personally don't think that I am mentally ready/strong enough to begin tapering. It has taken this whole year for me to reach a point where I am proud of myself. I am fearful that if we begin tapering already that this next year will fly by and I will be back to square one. I cannot let myself venture down that path again, but I fear that I am not prepared to just "stop" quite yet. Two years of suboxone treatment sounds like plenty of time, but when you consider the number of years that I have been an addict, 2 years is just a drop in the bucket. I will express to my doctor that I don't think that I am ready, but he thinks that I am not a "severe enough" addict to be on the treatment long term. I am so terrified that we are taking this too quick. I absolutely cannot go back to where I was.