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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by ladybuckeye54, Nov 8, 2015.

  1. ladybuckeye54

    ladybuckeye54 Member

    How do you know when to believe someone when they say their clean? My 29 year old daughter has been addicted to one thing or another since she was in her teens. I believed her when she told me she wasnt, but eventually found out she was lying. I guess I was just too naive to know the signs or maybe I just didn't want to believe she would do drugs. She soon got into selling perscriptions drugs and taking more drugs. Snorting and swallowing everything she could get. She is the mother of a 4 year old and 2 year old that I have basically taken care of since birth. On January 2015, we got into an argument and she attacked me. I had the kids at the time and I went and filed for temporary custody and got in right away. I have come to find out she has been into heroin and I am devastated. She needs to get clean to get the kids back and so far has gotten a job. But I have to take her to and from work ( she has no car), let her stay at me house ( she got evicted) and protect the kids. She is also bipolar, but has stopped taking her medicine. We go back to court in 2 days and she was supposed to have gotten a job, car, went to counseling, and stay clean. My question is, how do I believe she is clean? She sits and nods off all the time and sleeps all the time and blames it on being tired. I have caught her using stackers to stay awake at work. I can't believe she could give up heroin, xanax, subs just like that, without treatment. I really would like to hear from others in my situation and how I can believe shes clean when I don't feel she is telling me the truth?
  2. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    It doesn't sound like she is. I think you have to get her to agree to routine drug tests, and have it put in court documents. It also doesn't sound like she is in any postion to get her children back. I mean you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can care for others.
    ladybuckeye54 likes this.
  3. NyX82

    NyX82 Member

    I agree she definitely doesn't sound like she's clean at all. I would definitely say she's still using. She hasn't shown any really initiative to change and I think it's about time she gets a hard dose of reality. You said she's living in your home and you have to drive her places because she doesn't have a car. You also have her children living in your home. That's not a good environment for those kids. You need to make her leave. If you can't bring yourself to do that then give her an ultimatum. She goes to treatment and takes random drug tests, gets a job, takes her medication the way she should or she's not allowed in your home. Until she can actually prove that she's doing well I wouldn't believe a word she says. This all may sound harsh but being harsh is the only way you'll get through to her.
    ladybuckeye54 likes this.
  4. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    The only way you will know for sure is to have her go for random drug tests. She doesn't sound like she is ready to get her children back. They are better off in your care. I hope she gets some.professional help soon so that she can get herself on the road to recovery for her and her children.
  5. ladybuckeye54

    ladybuckeye54 Member

  6. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @ladybuckeye54 Hello and welcome to this forum! Your daughter had been into many struggles in her life and as her mother I know how hard it is for you to see your daughter ruining her life. Right now you really don't know if she is really telling the truth that she is already clean. You had your worries for your grandchildren's life living with your daughter. Just be strong and keep on praying that your daughter will be enlighten to change her life for the better.
  7. AngryItalian

    AngryItalian Member

    I know this, as I use to do this with my mother, telling her things were because of other things when really she knows in her heart I was lying. It is horrible what an addiction can make you do to the people you love. I couldn't break my moms heart anymore. Make sure she damn well knows that shes breaking your heart and ask her if she really wants her kids to grow up asking where momma is. I don't have kids, but if I did, that would absolutely make me think. Doing any kind of drug is pointless. It is an absolute waste of the blessing of life you have been given. Even if she does not believe in god, it's a blessing to be alive and able to have these experiences, even if we all do not choose the best ones to have with our gift of free will and all the negativity in the world.
    ladybuckeye54 likes this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ladybuckeye54... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry that you're going through what you're going through with your daughter.

    As the father of a 25-year-old son in long-term recovery from heroin addiction, I have experienced some of what talk about. I can't be absolutely positive, but I am 99.99% certain that your daughter isn't clean. It's pretty obvious that she's still using, and she's doing what drug users do best: lying and manipulating you. When your child struggles with addiction, trusting your gut is usually a good rule of thumb.

    I think you are an amazing mother/grandmother for taking care of your daughter's two kids. You are to be commended for that. Those kids are incredibly lucky that you were there to save them from your daughter's behavior. They couldn't help themselves, but you were able to help them. What a great thing.

    As parents, we are programmed to take care of our children from the moment they are born, and we do everything we can to make things right for them and to "fix" them. Unfortunately, addiction is something we can't fix. Only the addict can make the choices and decisions necessary to improve their life. It doesn't matter how much we want them to change. They have to want it.

    While I completely understand your wanting to help your daughter--believe me, I've been there and I know what having an addicted child is like--you need to realize that some of the things you're doing are in fact enabling your daughter. Anytime we do things for our child that makes continuing their addiction easier for them, we are in fact enabling.

    You said that you "have to" take your daughter to and from work and let her stay at your house. That's not true. Your daughter is 29 years old and should be able to get to and from work herself. She should also be able to find a place to live. Would it require her to make some drastic changes in order to do those things? Absolutely. But she is never going to make those changes unless she has to. Right now, she has no reason whatsoever to change. She's got a place to live, you take her to her job and back, and take care of her kids for her. That's the perfect scenario for someone who's using drugs. She pretty much has her cake and is eating it, too.

    If nothing changes, nothing changes.

    It took my wife and me so long to realize that. We wanted to do everything we could to make life easier for our son when he was using drugs. We felt sorry for him. He struggled with severe depression, too, and we kept coddling him so he wouldn't be even sadder. But, in fact, all we were doing was making things worse, not only for him, but for us, too. We became addicted to his addiction, and it started to tear our lives apart. It was no way for us to live. It wasn't until we realized that we had to take care of ourselves that things started to change for everyone...including our son.

    Al-Anon tells us that we didn't cause our child's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Only they can do that. I think it might be time to sit down with your daughter, have a heart-to-heart talk with her about her drug use, and set some boundaries.

    By all means, keep taking care of your grandchildren. They deserve a safe, loving environment, and they are unable to help themselves. But your daughter is never going to be motivated to change unless she has a reason to change. Not to mention the fact that your job is not to be giving your 29-year-old child random drug tests.

    There's a great book out there that I wish I would've had when my son was battling his addiction. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's pretty much an "owner's manual" for parents and loved ones of addicts. It gives instruction on how to communicate better with someone who's struggling with addiction, what you should/shouldn't do, and how to take care of yourself. I highly recommend that you buy the book and read it.

    They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. My wife and I were totally guilty of that with our son. We let him live with us, took care of stuff for him, gave him things he asked for, etc., all in hopes that he would magically change. But you know what? He didn't change, because he didn't have to.

    I realize now that I'm kind of rambling with this comment, but your situation is one that hits close to home for me. I hope you haven't been offended by anything I've said. That is not my intent at all. I truly just want to help you. Being the parent of someone who is suffering with addiction is such an incredibly difficult thing. My heart goes out to you. Please know that we are here to help you any way we can.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Please get that Beyond Addiction book and read it. I'm pretty sure you and your daughter will benefit greatly from you reading it.

    Peace and hugs.
    ladybuckeye54 likes this.
  9. ladybuckeye54

    ladybuckeye54 Member

    I just found a new and used syringe and an empty suboxone packet in one of my bathrooms. I am sure my daughter is shooting up. What do I do? I have a custody case coming up in January to determine final custody of her children that I have had temporary custody of since january. She swore she was clean, but I started looking through things because she is not acting right. What do I do with the evidence???
  10. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    Has she ever been willing to go to treatment? She needs to get into a program and get her life straight so she can get her kids back. That's a very sad thing for her and her kids and you. I hope she does so soon. And I agree something needs to be done so she isn't in the same house as the kids right now.
    deanokat likes this.
  11. Shenwil

    Shenwil Senior Contributor

    I highly doubt that she is clean. An addict of her magnitude doesn't get clean overnight. She is just pretending to be so she would get back her kids. Protect those kids and don't let her have custody until you know for sure that she is clean.
    deanokat likes this.
  12. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    Action speaks louder than words. If your daughter's actions have given you cause to doubt her claims of "sobriety" then, for her sake, have her tested. People who claim they're "clean" would not mind presenting proof. Your daughter had only assured you through words, which might have been enough had your intuition told you otherwise. Keep your grandchildren under your care until there's solid, verifiable proof that she's clean.
    deanokat likes this.
  13. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    I think only a drug test can answer your concerns, but like what the rest of us have observed, she doesn't seem clean at all. Drug users can't just turn their backs on drugs without treatment just like that, so be vigilant around your daughter.
    deanokat likes this.
  14. ladybuckeye54

    ladybuckeye54 Member

    I turned the stuff I found, into the police station. Did I do the right thing? She does not know what I did. I have to tell her to not come back to the house, but now I'm afraid she will come here and be abusive. I don't want the grandkids to see whats going on if she does come. Do I get a restraining order? What do I do now? The police said that it will go to court when they decide what to do, but in the meantime, I don't want to tell her what I did. I'm really confused at this point on what to do to protect my grandkids and myself.
  15. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Maybe try to talk to her about getting a treatment and know why exactly she is behaving that way. She might have reasons that needed to be addressed in order for her to fully help herself get rid of the addiction. She should feel motivated to change.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ladybuckeye54... It would certainly seem that your daughter is still using. Unless there's a chance that the stuff you've found has been there for a while, which you would probably know, right? There need to be boundaries set. You can't have her coming back to your house. She really needs to get help, too. Sit down and talk to her and let her know where you're at. At this point it's about protecting you and your grandkids.