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Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Katey, Mar 3, 2018.

  1. Katey

    Katey Member

    My boyfriend of four years was sober for three years and started drinkning again. Since he started drinking he is mean, emotionally abusive, and does not care about our relationship. I think we are going to break up. I don't want to i love him so much, but I feel like I am broken inside. I don't know what to do. I am lost. He doesn't care anymore. And it gets worse everyday.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Katey hey there. i'm sorry you are going through this. it can be scary to feel like you're going to lose someone you love. i'm also sorry you are being emotionally abused. you do not deserve that; no one does. drunk or not, it's never ok.

    i'm guessing he doesn't think he has a drinking problem? he won't change if he doens't realize that....and doesn't stop. he may need help to stop. alcoholism is progressive, meaning it gets worse over time. how did he stay sober those other years? did he go to meetings? rehab?

    have you had a conversation with him while he is sober about how you feel? what you want in a partner? in a relationship? you have every right to set boundaries...and abuse of any kind is a deal breaker. love yourself enough to set that boundary.

    you can attend al-anon if you want. give you some support through this time. reading books can help you too... Codependent No More is a great start...

    does this help?
  3. Katey

    Katey Member

  4. Katey

    Katey Member

    He quit drinkning for 3 years. He went to meetings and had a sponsor. Our relationship was great when he wasn't drinking. Then we went to his work Xmas party and he started drinking again. He cannot stop. He is lost and falls deeper and deeper into it. Yes I have talked to him sober and tell him what I expect. I told him I am going to leave if he doesn't stop his behaviour. He used to care, he used to apologize, now he doesn't apologize and just does whatever he wants . I fear for his life bc he drinks and drives. I try to stop him, I've hid his keys, but when I fall asleep he takes off . I pray for him everyday. I think I have to leave for my own sanity. It does not feel like home anymore. I've thought about going to an ala non meeting. I will read the book you speak of. Anything to help. I just feel super lost and sad that I cannot help him, and he doesn't seem to want the help. Thank you for responding. This helps I will check out that book.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Katey i've come across this scenario many times over the years... i know it's not easy being on the other side of an alcoholic. you know he's a good guy without the booze, but YOU deserve a good guy all the time. def not abuse or someone who isn't willing to make some effort to get back on the path of recovery.

    al-anon teaches you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. and sometimes the most supportive thing one can do is walk away from the addict. sometimes that's the best way for them to be able to see that their behavior causes negative consequences.

    your sanity matters.... i do hope that you can take good care of you, even if that means walking away. al-anon would be a great place to go for ongoing support... you don't have to tackle this alone...
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Katey hey there. just thinking about you and wondering how you're doing.... when you get a chance, would love to hear from you.
  7. Katey

    Katey Member

    Well I walked out. I am now staying at another place. I have to still move and get my things, but I got out. It is really hard though. He keeps in contact with me, some days he's nice other days not depending on if he's drinking. I bought that book codependence no more. Started reading it. Just trying to keep it together day by day. Today is a good day
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Katey good for you for moving on with your life. i know it's challenging. i know you care about him and he probably does care about you best as he can... but he has some issues to get cleared up...and not much you can do to help him. after all, you've tried.

    great about getting the book. that book helped me a lot. learned so much about myself and how to become a stronger woman. how to heal some old wounds and unworthiness in my life. i was so afraid i couldn't do "life" on my own or had to stay in a toxic relationship b/c i was scared of being "alone" or "single".... my journey led me to learn about codependency and lean on some others for support.

    that was a long time ago and today i can say i'm grateful i had to walk that road to learn so much about me, others, life, and relationships.

    let me know how you like the book.