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Need help finding will power to stay clean

Discussion in 'Prescription Drugs' started by Needadvice, Jul 3, 2019.

  1. Needadvice

    Needadvice Member

    Just a little bit about me...I have been addicted to pain meds at varying degrees for about 10 years. I have gone through withdrawals more times than I can count but only stayed off meds for two weeks at most. Over the last year or so I have cut back significantly although there have been days that I take up to 120-150 mg of oxycodone all at once but can easily go 3-4 days without taking anything with no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever. While that may not seem like an issue, the fact that I feel fine without it is actually making it really hard to stay off of it indefinitely. I typically last about a week every time I tell myself I’m going to stop before I’m able to convince myself it’s ok to just take a couple. Like I said, I feel completely fine without it, I just feel soooooo much better with it.

    Any suggestions would be welcome.
    Blake Daniel likes this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Needadvice This is definitely confusing considering the length of time you have struggled, however if you have cut down recently to not using daily it is possible. My friend I promise you no matter how good those pills make you feel while taking them the fact is when on such a dose 150mgs at once well in reality that person isn't you at that moment you are simply the host to the drug,the thing's you do,the good you feel doesn't last does it?Of course not because it's not really you.I am not judging my friend I have struggled with several addiction's most of my life,I strongly suggest you seek a therapist and an addiction specialist. These two things combined are extremely strong weapons against addiction and the struggle.Look inside my friend you are more than and better than those pills could ever be.I fell off track for some time and am now recently back on the correct path and I am much better for picking myself up versus allowing myself to stay down.You can do this my friend I believe in you and I am rooting for you.Stay Strong and God Bless you and your family
  3. Needadvice

    Needadvice Member

    You’re so right that it’s not really me when I’m taking them. I think part of my problem is that they make me feel like who I wish I was. The energy they give me is unbelievable...I feel like I’m a better mom, a better wife, I’m WAY more productive, I’m happier. I guess that deep down I know that it’s the drugs talking, making me believe that all to be true.

    The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that it’s not withdrawal symptoms driving me back to using. I’m not physically dependent on them at all anymore so why is it so hard for me to leave them alone? That makes me feel like more of a failure than any of the times I went back to taking them just to stop feeling so awful.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Needadvice... Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing with us. I'm glad you found us and reached out.

    I think @True concern has given you some excellent advice and insight. And trust me: Your life would be so much better without those pills. They're trying to convince you that you're a better person when you take them, but they're lying to you. You would be a better mom, wife, and person without them in your life. You'd be healthier, too.

    I know you can quit completely. You just have to commit to it and be willing to work hard at it. Have you ever considered going to NA, AA, or SMART Recovery meetings? Just a thought. There's a lot of comfort to be found at those meetings because the people there know exactly what you're going through and feeling. Seeing an addiction specialist could help, too.

    You can do this. And we will help you however we can. If you need support, encouragement, or just a place to vent, we can provide that. We are always here to listen, without judgment.

    I'm sending you positive energy and tons of hope.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  5. Needadvice

    Needadvice Member

    Thank you so much for your kind words. I will look into SMART. That’s one I’ve never heard of.

    I know I can do it. I have to. I know deep down that this isn’t sustainable. It shouldn’t be sustainable. It started innocently enough with a shoulder injury (I was a competitive gymnast) and several surgeries later, my doctor has no problem prescribing them. He trusts me because I never ask for early refills or anything but while I’m not using every day, when I do use them, I abuse them. Every. Single. Time. I’ve thought about telling my doctor several times but I worry about what I’ll do when I genuinely need them but he’s afraid to give them to me. As I write that, it’s occurring to me that it’s probably the addiction talking, trying to keep that access point open :/
    DoxyMom, Joshstillclean and deanokat like this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Needadvice hey there. great that you are not taking them like you have been.

    perhaps it's just so hard b/c you want to feel the way they make you feel... but the reality is that they are harming your body... and emotions...and spirit.

    do you think you'd be willing to see a therapist for a bit? maybe start doing some digging to see what's going on under the emotional surface... any past trauma you have buried? ptsd? negative emotions? inner void? fear?

    i think therapy and a self-reflective journey can be helpful.... but that's me.

    we are def here for you... keep coming back. great group of people here. we will always encourage and support you.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Needadvice... SMART Recovery is a 12-step alternative program. It's helped a lot of people. Their face-to-face meetings aren't as prevalent as AA and NA, but they do have online meetings, too. You can check out their website here:

    We're all rooting for you, my friend!
    True concern likes this.
  8. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Needadvice hello. I'm also an opiate addict. I went from pills to snorting Heroin. You may have found a way to keep physical withdrawal away but not your urges to use. Those damn opiods are sneaky and will make you find a way to keep using. Even though you don't have the symptoms you may want to look into MAT. I go to a methadone clinic and others take suboxone. It blocks the effects of the drug by filling up those receptors. You will no longer feel the effects which helps cut down those urges. I also get counseling there. My clinic offers just counseling without the meds too. Coming here is a great first step to stopping.
    deanokat and Joshstillclean like this.
  9. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Hi I'm josh, long time opiod addict. Mine ended up like everyones eventually does, on H loosing my life.
    I too was able to use for a long time without anyone knowing or me having a problem with finances or anything like that. But take my word for it, from 15 years of substance abuse I can tell you that you are playing with fire.
    I also am a parent, and a son with parents that suffered through my addiction while raising my son for me. Nnow I am back together and have custody, but I lost everything for a while. You said 10 years of use, that's about how long I lasted until I lost it all. And it pretty much happened overnight. (within a month actually).
    Mindblowingly fast...
    One of these times you will pick up to use and use a few days too many in a row and get back to physical withdrawals. From experience I know they get worse everytime you start withdrawing. And if you think about it you never are really quite as happy when you come down to reality as you were the last time.
    This is having a physical effect on your brain. And you will get to a point where you just are not able to mentally function without them, physical symptoms aside. I'm not trying to scare you I just am telling you what I know from experience. And this is every opiod addicts experience. So it's not unique to me. I wish it was, but it's not. And I know how much I have suffered and that's a sad fact to know. I wish this kind of life on noone. Not my worst enemy....

    Please do not continue to get high. Everytime you come down, you will find that you are not quite as happy as the real you. And from your post you sound like a great mom and wife, you care.
    I don't know you but I care about everyone in this situation. Mabey that's why I went through it to be able to empathize-I don't know. But it was hell on earth. I thought I was also a better dad with all that energy, a better husband at one point, a better lover.
    No- my family just wanted the real me. And all my real emotions that come with me. I'm sure if you asked your family they would tell you the same thing.
    Stop getting high and don't look back. It will be the best decision that you ever make.
    Keep coming back for support. We are always here and we all care.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Needadvice... You've gotten some great advice and insight from @True concern, @DoxyMom, and @Joshstillclean. They are wise humans, so give what they say some thought.

    I hope you're doing alright. Happy Friday! Hope you had a nice July 4th. Check in with us if you get a chance. We're all on your side.
    True concern and Joshstillclean like this.
  11. Needadvice

    Needadvice Member

    I can’t even begin to tell you all how much this support means to me. It is so much more cathartic to talk about this than I realized which tells me that counseling is a must. I’m doing really well. I haven’t taken anything in a week and I feel great. This is typically around the time that I convince myself that I’d be ok to take something “just one” although it’s never EVER just one...or just once.

    One of the main things that always drives me back to using is sleep. I have never been a good sleeper and even though I may sleep for 7 hours, it’s not quality sleep. I do realize that some of that is due to the drugs getting out of my system but I’ve also been that way since as young as 7 or 8 years old so some of it is also just the way I am. I do recognize the fact that the part of my brain saying, “just take one so you can get one decent night of sleep,” is the addiction talking and I just need to power through it.

    I know I’m rambling a bit but again, I can’t thank you all enough for your support. My husband knows everything and is incredibly supportive but he also has the least addictive personality known to man so it’s really difficult for him to understand completely. Having people who can fully relate to what I’m going through is invaluable so thank you all!!
  12. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    More than happy to be here for you and yes counseling is a must,it's unbelievable how much it helps
    deanokat and Joshstillclean like this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm very happy to hear that being a part of this community is helping you, @Needadvice. That's why we're here: To support those who need it. And we are here for you anytime you need us.

    By the way, I agree with @True concern. Counseling is a must. If you can find a therapist who specializes in treating people with addiction issues, that's even better.

    Happy Monday! Hope you have a wonderful day!
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  14. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    Hello and welcome I was also an opiate addict for a very long time. For about 20 years I was a functioning addict.
    I never once thought I had a problem. I had a career house cars toys etc.
    My drug use didn't interfere with that so I thought.
    Yes I felt great worked 24/7. In my eyes I was doing good. When I nodded out at the dinner table my family thought it was because of my job. I got cold I felt nothing mentally an physically. I broke my arm in 2 places went to the ER 3days later cuz my arm turned black and it didn't look right. I became a robot. Taking 50 to 100 pills a day? That was upsetting my stomach and becoming costly so I got to using heroin. I said I'd never do heroin. I also said I'd never shoot heroin. I did I needed more to feel great!!
    At end of the struggle to quit I was doing a pk a day or every 2 days just to feel normal or communicate with someone, go grocery shopping. "No one starts with 2 a day but they all seem to end that way". I heard that lyrics in a song about smack and it's so true.
    I been on opiates to long well over 30 years. I been clean 4 years now. I'm in therapy and under a doctors care with strict rules for the medicine that I need to take in order for me to function.
    I recommend exercise to get your endorphins back to normal rather than taking opiates every 4 days it works for a while but it won't last. I been there a few times. Not using it all is the only way to go.
    I hope that helps
    Joshstillclean and deanokat like this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for that insight, @Jai50. :)