Need help with (Ex) Fiance

@drgon239... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with your fiancée. There's no doubt that loving someone who battles addiction is an incredible challenge.

I'm not an expert on relationships, so I don't know if I can help you with the "should I stay or should I go?" aspect of things. What it all boils down to, I think, is what you are willing to deal with and put up with in order to try and make the relationship work. It's possible that your fiancée will maintain her sobriety; but it's also possible that she'll relapse. Addiction can be something some people beat, or it can be something other people struggle with for a lifetime. It's very unpredictable, which makes it all the more maddening.

It's also not uncommon for people to undergo some changes when they get clean and sober. For whatever reason, some people try new things (like relationships) because they're feeling different. Sometimes it's a temporary thing. Sometimes it's not. So it's hard to say what's going on with your fiancée.

If I were you, I would sit down with her the first chance I get and have a heart-to-heart conversation with her. Tell her how you feel. Ask her what she's feeling. And go from there. Maybe she just needs some space right now. Or maybe she's scared of commitment. She's really the only one who knows...and it's possible she doesn't even know.

There's a great book out there called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners and parents of people with addiction issues and it's full of great information. Things like how to communicate better with your partner; why empathy and love work better than resentment and anger; and--most importantly, I think--how to take care of yourself when you're dealing with your loved one's issues. (Self-care is absolutely essential!) I think you should get the book and read it ASAP. I think it will help you understand a lot of what your fiancée is going through, and help you deal with it better.

You may also want to check out an Al-Anon meeting. It can be incredibly helpful and comforting to be among people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. Al-Anon is a fabulous support group.

We're here to help and support you any way we can. You're not alone and you can come here and lean on us whenever you'd like. Even if you just need to vent, we're here for you.

I'm sending you lots of positive energy and hope. And I will keep both you and your fiancée in my thoughts and prayers. The most important thing right now is that she's sober. Hopefully, she can build on that and you guys might be able to work things out.

Like I said before, I'm not an expert on relationships. But I think the Beyond Addiction book may help you. I'm glad you picked up the audio version. And it's great that you're going to an Al-Anon meeting, too. Take care of you. That's my best advice right now.

Keeping good thoughts for you, my friend.

I love this update, @drgon239. I'm glad you had a good experience at Al-Anon. My wife will tell you Al-Anon saved her life when we were struggling with our son's addiction. There's a lot of comfort and support there.

You're doing what you need to do. And that's super important to the overall picture.

Sending you tons of positive vibes and hope.

@drgon239... First off, congratulations on getting a full-time job you've been wanting. That's fantastic! It's also something that's important for YOU; and YOU are the person you have to concentrate on right now. Remember what Al-Anon teaches about a loved one's addiction: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Period. No matter how much you want to change things with your fiancee...you can't. And if you allow yourself to get caught up in trying to do so, you're going to become addicted to her addiction; and that won't be good for anyone.

My advice is to focus on YOU, because YOUR life matters, too. And something good just happened to YOU. So revel in that and keep moving forward. Things will work out exactly how they're supposed to. That's my belief.

Sending you lots of positivity.