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Need help with (Ex) Fiance

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by drgon239, Apr 20, 2017.

  1. drgon239

    drgon239 Member

    So let me begin with a little backstory. My fiancé is 26 years old. She started drinking and smoking at a young age and eventually got into heroin. It got to the point where her parents sent her to rehab in SC when she was around 21/22. I met her not long after she finished rehab in 2012. At the time she was replacing heroin with alcohol. Around 2013/2014 she moved into her own place and I eventually found out that she was drinking every night due to loneliness and her depression. We moved in together April of 2016. At first everything was fine. We'd drink every once in awhile but then in September she started binge drinking again because I picked up a second job and wasn't home as much. It spiraled out of control until eventually she went back home to go to rehab again. This is her last week in rehab and she's been sober over 40 days. When she first moved back we were fine I tried to be as supportive as possible. I was supposed to visit her but due to lack of sleep I didn't. She met this kid at rehab and started texting him. I knew something was going on but she kept denying it. I found out 2 days ago that she was sleeping with him. I don't know why but I forgave her and want another try with her. (She's the love of my life) Currently she's confused on what she wants to do and has no real course of action. She says she loves me and cares for me and we continue to text but she's also hanging out with this other guy(He was a heroin user).

    My question is what can I do in this situation. I know she making a mistake and she's filling a temporary void In her life. Is there any way that the loneliness is fueling this? Should I keep talking to her and working on our relationship?

    Please no negative comments. Im going through a hard enough time as is and need all the support I can get.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @drgon239... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with your fiancée. There's no doubt that loving someone who battles addiction is an incredible challenge.

    I'm not an expert on relationships, so I don't know if I can help you with the "should I stay or should I go?" aspect of things. What it all boils down to, I think, is what you are willing to deal with and put up with in order to try and make the relationship work. It's possible that your fiancée will maintain her sobriety; but it's also possible that she'll relapse. Addiction can be something some people beat, or it can be something other people struggle with for a lifetime. It's very unpredictable, which makes it all the more maddening.

    It's also not uncommon for people to undergo some changes when they get clean and sober. For whatever reason, some people try new things (like relationships) because they're feeling different. Sometimes it's a temporary thing. Sometimes it's not. So it's hard to say what's going on with your fiancée.

    If I were you, I would sit down with her the first chance I get and have a heart-to-heart conversation with her. Tell her how you feel. Ask her what she's feeling. And go from there. Maybe she just needs some space right now. Or maybe she's scared of commitment. She's really the only one who knows...and it's possible she doesn't even know.

    There's a great book out there called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners and parents of people with addiction issues and it's full of great information. Things like how to communicate better with your partner; why empathy and love work better than resentment and anger; and--most importantly, I think--how to take care of yourself when you're dealing with your loved one's issues. (Self-care is absolutely essential!) I think you should get the book and read it ASAP. I think it will help you understand a lot of what your fiancée is going through, and help you deal with it better.

    You may also want to check out an Al-Anon meeting. It can be incredibly helpful and comforting to be among people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. Al-Anon is a fabulous support group.

    We're here to help and support you any way we can. You're not alone and you can come here and lean on us whenever you'd like. Even if you just need to vent, we're here for you.

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy and hope. And I will keep both you and your fiancée in my thoughts and prayers. The most important thing right now is that she's sober. Hopefully, she can build on that and you guys might be able to work things out.
  3. drgon239

    drgon239 Member

    Thanks a lot of helpful advice and no judgment. I got the audio version of that book and am actually going to a Al-anon meeting tonight. Hopefully it goes well. I also brought it up to the fiancé and she doesn't really buy it. She says she has no idea why she sleeps with him, and I tend to get aggravated because I have nowhere to take the conversation from there.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Like I said before, I'm not an expert on relationships. But I think the Beyond Addiction book may help you. I'm glad you picked up the audio version. And it's great that you're going to an Al-Anon meeting, too. Take care of you. That's my best advice right now.

    Keeping good thoughts for you, my friend.
  5. drgon239

    drgon239 Member

    So here's a update. I went to Al-anon. It was a wonderful group and they were all very supportive. They told me a lot of what I already knew but it was nice to be able to openly talk about it. After I talked to my fiance on the phone and we talked for a little i told her about how the meeting went and what not. At the end I always say "I love you" and she says it back but last night was the first time it sounded like she ment it. Maybe it's just me grabbing on to false hope but it helped me sleep better. Today I asked her to have a Skype date with me later tonight. She said she'll see how she feels.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I love this update, @drgon239. I'm glad you had a good experience at Al-Anon. My wife will tell you Al-Anon saved her life when we were struggling with our son's addiction. There's a lot of comfort and support there.

    You're doing what you need to do. And that's super important to the overall picture.

    Sending you tons of positive vibes and hope.
    HiThere001 likes this.
  7. HiThere001

    HiThere001 Member

    First of all. You have done everything right. I know this is a really tough situation. But you have to realize some things are beyond your control. I know you love her but you have to love yourself too.the reality is that there are many women out there who will love respect and be faithful to you.listen you have to love yourself first. staying in a relationship like this is bad for both of you. Break up with her gently and move on. At this point that is the best course. Good luck to you.
    God bless
  8. drgon239

    drgon239 Member

    Update as of 4/23/17

    So on Friday I got a call saying I was hired on fulltime at a PD ive been Trying to get on. So with this good news I decided to try and have a drink with friends. Bad idea. I became a emotional wreck. I called her and we argued and then she hung up. The next morning she called and we talked some more but really got no where. The rest of the day we just texted back and forth and she eventually stopped because she was hanging out with the other guy. As of this morning im trying my hardest not to text her and so far am successful.

    Every day is a struggle. A struggle to understand, a struggle thinking about a life without her, a struggle to be independent and to love my self.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @drgon239... First off, congratulations on getting a full-time job you've been wanting. That's fantastic! It's also something that's important for YOU; and YOU are the person you have to concentrate on right now. Remember what Al-Anon teaches about a loved one's addiction: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Period. No matter how much you want to change things with your can't. And if you allow yourself to get caught up in trying to do so, you're going to become addicted to her addiction; and that won't be good for anyone.

    My advice is to focus on YOU, because YOUR life matters, too. And something good just happened to YOU. So revel in that and keep moving forward. Things will work out exactly how they're supposed to. That's my belief.

    Sending you lots of positivity.