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Need to talk this out

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Ashlee80, Apr 23, 2019.

  1. Ashlee80

    Ashlee80 Member

    My boyfriend of 5 years confessed after I caught him in a series of lies that he was dabbling with meth. He ready had a mild addiction to adderall and it has progressed.

    We have been working on building trust again and doing random at home drug tests, all he has passed.

    However, tonight he tells me he wants to check the mail which was out of character. I watch him through the window and see a car drive up with a sketchy guy in it and an exchange happens. He says the guy dropped off money that he owed him. How the hell am I supposed to believe this. He did have money on him though. I have lost all trust.

    The lies about this guy and drug use are out of control. One after another after another. I am going nuts. I already suffer from anxiety and panic and this is making me feel 100% crazy. I need to talk this out and need to build a support system to figure out what to do.
  2. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Ashlee80 hello and welcome it sounds like his addiction is getting worse or he relapsed. Did you have him do a test a day or two after the guy was there? I'm an addict who is currently clean. We lie all the time to use. Maybe the guy did owe him money. Is your boyfriend getting any help? Just quitting isn't always enough. We are here for you.
    Joshstillclean, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  3. Ashlee80

    Ashlee80 Member

    This happened last night so I am having him do a drug test today if he is willing.

    It is possible that he is not lying but with all the blatant lies he has been spewing out lately, I just don't know anymore. I feel like his addiction is taking over ME as well now. He is such a good person but this will be the end of us very very soon if things don't get better.

    He refuses to get help. I don't even know if he wants help. How do you help someone that doesn't want it?

    I find myself following him around, tracking his phone, spying on him so much that it consumes me. I can not concentrate at work and I can not sleep at night. I feel physically sick.
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2019
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Ashlee80 hey there. sorry you are having to go through this. those struggling with addiction can easily lie... it is tough to know when they are telling the truth.

    you sound like you are becoming addicted to his behaviors... it's not uncommon for loved ones to do so...and it can drive you mad!! this is why support groups like al-anon and nar-anon or codependents anonymous are so helpful. they help you learn how to take your focus off your partner and back onto yourself... so you don't have to live in misery regardless of their behaviors.

    if he doesn't think he has a problem or doesn't want help, there's not much you can do. you may have to accept that this is his life, his choices, but you do have a choice over what you're willing to accept or not accept. start thinking about your boundaries... what do YOU want and need from this relationship? from him? lay it all out there on the table... you deserve to have what you want... a healthy relationship... and a partner who is willing to "do the work" necessary to get through obstacles.... rather than run from them or numb out.

    check out melody beattie's book "codependent no more". really good read and might help you... i know it has helped many on the opposite side of someone struggling with addiction.

    does this help?
    deanokat likes this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the forum, @Ashlee80. I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend and his meth use, but I'm glad you reached out to us.

    Unfortunately, lying seems to go hand-in-hand with being an addict. They will tell you pretty much anything to try and hide their behavior from you. That's one reason why loving an addict is so challenging: relationships are built on trust, and it's very, very hard to trust someone when they act this way.

    I agree that you are becoming addicted to your boyfriend's addiction. That is not a good thing. When your well-being is affected by his behavior, that's crossing a line. You need to focus hard on practicing self-care. Go to support group meetings, do nice things for yourself, maybe spend some time away from your boyfriend so you can "catch your breath," etc. If you don't take good care of yourself, his addiction is going to bring you down, too.

    I heartily endorse Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, and Codependents Anonymous. Those meetings can be incredibly helpful and comforting, because everyone there will know exactly what you're going through and feeling. You will instantly feel like you are not alone. Look for meetings in your area and give them a shot. I think you'll benefit greatly from them.

    Also, think about seeing a therapist. When my son's addiction was taking its toll on me, my therapist was able to help me sort through my feelings, figure things out, and put my focus back on ME. She was a lifesaver.

    Lastly, if you're giving your boyfriend urine tests, I would suggest you be in the room with him when he pees into the cup. Addicts oftentimes keep clean urine on hand so they can use it for these drug tests. I know, because my son did it for quite a while before my wife and I finally caught on. Again, it's sad that you can't trust someone you love, but that's just the nature of the beast.

    We are here for you. Anytime you need or want help, support, or advice, come and lean on us. Even if you just need to vent, you can do that here. In the meantime, I'm sending you tons of love, light, and hope. Please, please, please take good care of yourself. And remember: YOUR life matters, too. If you are unhappy, it's always okay to move on. YOUR happiness should always be at the very top of your priority list.
    Ashley456 and Joshstillclean like this.
  6. Ashley456

    Ashley456 Member

    I totally get it, my Husband has been addicted to meth for 10 years now. He’s lost a lot of weight & is unrecognizable. I’ve been there- snooping through his things, his phone, tracking his phone, blocking numbers from dealers, breaking his pipes basically anything you name it! But I realized that I was going crazy, my anxiety is/was really bad, I couldn’t sleep, I used to wake up in a panic because he wasn’t there & snuck out at night to do drugs. Sometimes he wouldn’t come back for days.
    Now I’m trying to choose me, I’ve spent a lot of time worrying and trying to force him to change, he won’t. I realized that I’m really unhappy with him, so I’ve started saving money to leave him. I day dream about being with a sober man & hopefully one day, I can find him. But I need to heal myself first.
    Mary310, deanokat and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm proud of you for deciding to choose YOU, @Ashley456. You always have to be at the very top of your priority list. Being with someone who makes you crazy isn't something you deserve. So kudos to you for saving to get out on your own.

    You will find the happiness you deserve one day. I know you will. Just remember: YOUR life matters the most! Practicing self-care is NOT being selfish!

    I'm sending you more love, light, and hope. And a virtual hug. Because I know you deserve it.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    One more thing, @Ashley456... Have you ever attended Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings? They are incredibly helpful and comforting for people who have loved ones struggling with addiction. And the one thing they teach us about a loved one's addiction that you should always remember is:

    "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."

    Those words are so true.