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Never has hangover & quits whenever he wants

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by RobbieRobby, Aug 8, 2018.

  1. RobbieRobby

    RobbieRobby Member

    My husband is 67 & has never had a hangover. He also smokes cigarettes and weed, and does stronger stuff too, but can quit any time he wants. I’ve seen him do it for a year or more at a time. He never spends more than he can budget without cutting into the bills, etc. I know he doesn’t consider himself as an addict, whatever. I think he is, but is such a control freak (narcissist) he would die before he would admit defeat.

    My problem is that our son, his cousins, sister, are/were addicts. He doesn’t understand this and therefore doesn’t see the need not include them in his activities. Our son passed away, his sister is a lost cause, but now his niece has relapsed after being mostly clean for the last 10 years & completely clean for the last 5. He has promised to leave his property to her in his will, and she worships the ground he walks on. He has no empathy, says her meth use is her problem. Is there anything I can do?
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    Hello and welcome. Thank you so much for reaching out. I'm not sure exactly what you're asking. Are you wanting your husband to stop drinking and smoking? Are you looking to pack up your bags and leave him? Or do you simply want him to change the way he is emotionally?

    Or maybe all of the above. I'm sorry that you're having to contend with this. There are a few people who can up and quit their substances with no problems when they want to. These people are few and far between though. It does sound like he is not interested in giving up any of his habits though.

    Would love to hear more.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  3. RobbieRobby

    RobbieRobby Member

    We are separated almost a year awaiting divorce. I knew he was a narcissist ass, but didn’t realize that he would get worse with age. Also he has no reason to quit drugs now that he’s retired. Now that I have retired I just don’t want to live knowing that I can never bring non-druggy friends over.

    Questions are: is he considered an addict if he has smoked weed for most of the last 40+ years? He drinks almost everyday, & gets drunk about once a week, but it is not a priority as it was before he retired & could be high 24/7.

    2nd question is there anything I can do for his niece? I don’t see her walking away from him unless she gets put back in jail. He will visit her, but never take any blame.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    No doubt he is a drug addict.As far as his niece if she is an adult unfortunately there is nothing you can do to "force"her to get help and it very well may take her going back to jail.That being said it sound's like he is a man without a conscious,I have one of those in my family and the day my grandpa passed my uncle, his son took all his jewelry and pawned it for money to buy meth and he is such a "wonderful" human being that our family knew he did it and asked for the pawn slip to get back grandpas jewelry and he denied doing it until the day they were to melt the gold down and by the time we got there....it was to late,the jewelry was melted down,he did it again when my grandma passed his mom and again for meth....
  5. RobbieRobby

    RobbieRobby Member

    He feels emotional pain & has a conscious tho not even close to being normal. He doesn’t understand/have empathy for anymore that can’t control their emotions, get their bills paid, work thru physical pain, etc. He would never steal & would give you the shirt off his back. He would then proceed to tell you it looked better on him & how to button it. He’s such a walking contradiction & that’s why I stayed with him for 40 years.

    His sister, our son, a couple of nieces/nephews and now their kids are full blown addicts. Everyone has been to jail/prison except him & that’s because of his over the top self control.

    So I guess you've answered both my questions & let me vent.

    Thank you
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Well at least he does feel something, that's something at least.I hope I didn't offend you that is not what I was trying to do however if I did I apologize. We are here for you and vent away when ever you need.Stay Strong and God Bless I guess we can't change those we love even if we want it more than anything.
    deanokat likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I will pray for your entire family
    deanokat likes this.
  8. RobbieRobby

    RobbieRobby Member

    Not offended. He’s truly an enigma. Like I said, it why he was so hard to leave. He’s been my life since I was 17 & next week I will start drawing SSI.

    I’m not suicidal or even close. But I am sad, hurt, lonely & broken.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I wish I could take all your pain and make it go away,im glad your not suicidal yet im sorry your sad and lonely, I understand that because I have been separated from my wife 3 year's and married 18 so I absolutely understand all those emotions
  10. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    Hi I just got outta a relationship with a narcissist. It was very draining for me.i understand the no empathy part about him now but it took abt 2 yrs to realize he is a narcissist. If anything is going to change it will be on his terms only. How do you do it?? I'm just curious because I've done a lot of research on narcissist never met anybodyt that isis this type of relationship I hope I'm saying this right.
  11. RobbieRobby

    RobbieRobby Member

    You can’t change a true narcissist. They aren’t like addicts, they can’t use willpower and a 12 step program to get better. 1st this is something that they became very young, probably before they were even out of diapers. 2nd they don’t believe they have a problem, so fix is needed.
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2018