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No one to talk to....

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Zaffira, Sep 7, 2018.

  1. Zaffira

    Zaffira Member

    My husband and I have been together for 19 years and have two girls, 13 and 8. He has always had an issue with addiction, first alcohol, then pain pills, and now cocaine. I just found out last week about the cocaine. About a month and a half ago he stopped giving me money from his paychecks, saying he had to help his mother out with money. Up to this point he had never lied to me and I know how his mother is, so I had no reason to doubt him. Fast forward to last Friday when I went to check my personal bank account (which he is not on) and found that I was missing over $1000. I called the bank and had my atm card cancelled since I thought someone had gotten a hold of my card#. Later that day I told my husband about it and he said "Yeah, that was me, I'm sorry" I was furious! He works afternoons and comes home after I go to bed, he had been going into my purse and taking my atm card and getting money out. So, he's been buying coke with his money, my money, and even goes as far as taking the kids allowance money from them! He's now constantly lying to me. His dealer, who is a female, is sending weird symbols in texts to me and calling the house because his phone was shut off. He says he's not cheating on me but how can I believe a word he says. He told me to take control of his money so he can't get the drugs but when I try to he just finds ways of circumventing me. Sorry for the long rant but I have no friends and can't talk to my family about this. My head is spinning and I don't know what to do.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Zaffira... I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your husband. But I'm glad you found this forum and reached out.

    It sounds like your husband has a serious drug problem. Unfortunately, addiction is a family disease and affects everyone who loves and cares about the addict. Your husband's addiction is definitely causing a strain on your family...emotionally and financially.

    I'm assuming that you've sat down with your husband and had a heart-to-heart conversation about his addiction. Does he not want to get help? Has he tried to get help in the past? I think he probably needs to see an addiction specialist so they can assess his condition and recommend the best next steps for him. But if he doesn't want to get help, then your hands are kind of tied. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Your husband is the only person who can take the action necessary to change. You can't fix him, no matter how much you'd like to.

    You should focus on taking good care of yourself and your children. Practicing self-care is so important when you're in a situation like you're in. You need to be at your best physically and mentally, both for yourself and for your kids. If you haven't gone to a support group meeting (Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, or SMART Recovery Family & Friends), I highly recommend that you find a meeting in your area and attend. There's a lot of help and comfort to be found when you're among people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling.

    You may also want to consider changing the PIN for your ATM card. That could keep your husband from getting money out of your account. Just a thought.

    We are here for you anytime you need us. If you need help, support, or just someone to listen to you vent, we will give you those things. You are not alone, and we will never judge you.

    I'm sending you a lot of love and hope. And big hugs, too. Please take good care of yourself and your babies!
    Dominica likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Zaffira hello and welcome. so sorry you're having to go through this. it does sound like he is quite addictive...and addiction is progressive, much of the time getting more serious as time goes by. i agree with dean to sit and talk with him and decide what your boundaries are.... draw your line in the sand. and yes, maybe look into seeking some support for yourself other than this forum. of course, we are here anytime, but sometimes that face-to-face help is wonderful.

    unless he's suffering some negative consequences for his using, he may not be willing to change his behavior.

    continue to learn about addiction and recovery for loved ones of addicts too. i think that will help...

    hope this helps.
    deanokat likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Zaffira... Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you today. If you get a chance, check in with us and let us know how you're doing. We're here and we care.
  5. Zaffira

    Zaffira Member

    Thank you guys for responding. It's a rollercoaster of hell right now and I know I can't take much more. He's just not the same person I married 18 years ago, the lies are constant and I was not expecting the lengths he's going to in manipulating me. I can't eat or sleep and I'm falling into depression. I need to kick him out (and I've told him as much) but it's so hard. I refused to give him money last night and he blew up, started throwing things and slamming doors on his way out of the house. I don't know when he came home but he was still awake when I got up for work this morning. He was nice to me for all of five minutes and then accused me of taking his credit/bank cards (which I had not done) and started being nasty and yelling again. I'm at work as I write this and dreading going home.
    Dominica likes this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm sorry things are still sucky. It sounds like you're beginning to become addicted to his addiction. Not being able to sleep, falling into depression, and dreading going home are symptoms of that. You should definitely take some steps to help yourself. Have you considered going to support group meetings? How about reading up on the subject of addiction? There's a great book out there called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners/parents of people who struggle with addiction and it's full of super helpful information and strategies. I think it would really help you. (It also talks a lot about why self-care is so important when you're going through something like you are. I think that's the best part of the book!)

    Kicking him out is an option, for sure. I know that's not an easy thing to do, but if things continue this way you have to ask yourself how you want to live your life going forward. And what's best for you and your girls. Sometimes the best decisions are the hardest ones to make.

    We're here for you. Always. Remember that YOUR life matters, too. In fact, it matters most of all. So don't let your husband's addiction take you down, too.

    Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith.
  7. Zaffira

    Zaffira Member

    There is a Nar-Anon meeting near my house on Friday evenings. Sorry for asking a noob question but are those meetings just for addicts or for family members too? Last night he came home from work with alcohol, mean and nasty again.

    Back when this started, he told me that he should not have access to money or drugs because he knows he won't control himself and asked that I take control of the money. Now he's mad that I restricted his access to money and therefore drugs. He said I wasn't helping him get off the coke, his idea of 'help' is me holding his coke for him and me giving it to him 'as needed'. I've asked him to get professional help getting clean, I told him I don't know how to help other than restricting access.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Zaffira... Nar-Anon meetings are strictly for loved ones/family of people who struggle with drug addiction. Same with Al-Anon meetings, which are for loved ones of people struggling with alcohol addiction. The people with the addiction issue attend NA or AA meetings. I hope this helps.

    Also, please consider picking up a copy of that Beyond Addiction book and reading it. I think it will really help you deal with the stuff you're going through.
    Dominica likes this.
  9. Zaffira

    Zaffira Member

    Oh, ok. Thank you so much for the info, I'll look into that book also!*
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  10. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Zaffira I'm sorry that you're continuing to be challenged like this. It's definitely no way to live, and I'm glad that you are reaching out for help. Nar-anon is a support group for loved ones of addicts. I think you may be able to find some good support there for yourself. It's not always easy to navigate around an addict. It sounds like the relationship is at a Tipping Point, and the reality is that you may have to separate from him for your own sake and your own sanity. It's not your responsibility to take care of him or try to fix him or save him. Maybe check that nar-anon meeting and let us know how it goes. And know we are here...
    deanokat likes this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    OK so you have received amazing information from both @deanokat as well as @Dominica which makes me very happy:) they are both wonderful people.I read your post as well as their's and I can't really add to much more other than I have been the addict your husband is being and for myself when I asked my wife to control the money to help me quit it was indeed a genuine gesture,it was at this time I felt my life slipping away and it was a cry for help.Did it work?No as though it was a cry for help it was not the correct course of action, I to would get very angry and yell and scream but that was a manifestation of coming down from the drug which is extremely agonizing and I just couldn't explain it correctly and in the end it cost me everything.Not everyone is the same but at this point in addition at least for myself what I was looking for was to know my family still loved me and I kept hiding my pain through more drug use because I hated me even more than the people around me. I don't know how old your kid's are but if they are old enough to know what's going on and if his friends and parent's know about his addiction I would wait for him to leave,invite them all over and wait for him to get home and together start the conversation of what is going on.An Intervention.Before my wife kicked me out I was asked "what do you need to change"?My answer was I need to know you really care and want to help me.Well it didn't work out for me as only one of my step kid's understood what I meant and she begged my wife to help her pay for me to go to rehab,which my wife refused however now sober I remember that one family member who was willing to go into debt to help me.For me it was more about hearing they cared than actual rehab,though rehab would have greatly helped but what I'm trying to say is overwhelm him with sincere love and concern,not just from you but from everyone in his life and if he is being sincere about wanting help this very well may open his eye's and more importantly his heart.Obviously I can't guarantee it will work but I know it would have worked for me so if the love is real it's worth a try.Stay Strong and God Bless
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  12. Zaffira

    Zaffira Member

    I thank you all so much for your advice and support, I really need and appreciate that. True Concern, I'm glad to hear that you are now sober but sad that you had to lose it all first (which is what I fear will happen to us). An intervention would not work in this case because his whole family (the ones who haven't died from overdoses) are addicts. I spoke to him yesterday about attending meetings but he wasn't too keen on the idea, we are both very private people and I think he's embarrassed.

    I'm trying to keep my frustration and anger in check and treat him with more understanding and love but its hard to do when he wants to do something utterly stupid like he did this weekend. He went on a pain pill bender and was nodding in and out. He needed something from the store and I told him I'd go as soon as I was done with dishes. He was in hurry (for Qtips of all things) and ignored me several times when I said I'd to it. He instead asked my 13 year old daughter to ride with him. He could barely stand let alone drive with a child in the car! I snapped and yelled at him, he yelled back, we didn't speak the rest of the weekend. **sigh**
    Dominica likes this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Zaffira... What about online meetings? That's a great option for people who want to attend meetings but would rather not do it in person for whatever reason. You can find online meetings for various groups at the In the Rooms website:

    I'm keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers.
    Dominica likes this.