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No Sympathy for drug addicts?

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by showthelifesint, Jun 17, 2015.

  1. Neveragain29

    Neveragain29 Member

    No. You are not cold at all. For the past two years I have dealt with a meth addict fiance. I have never done any kind of drug and I do not drink alcohol. To me, life is challenging enough! To add the burden of drugs and alcohol to it is insanity.
    I hear former drug addicts saying things like, "you don't know if you've never done it". I think that is the most insane thing to say to someone. There are those of us in this world who don't have ANY desire to EVER put our bodies, brains, and loved one's through any aspect of that. It doesn't make you so terribly different, it makes you the one who CHOSE to do that.

    Everyone is presented with challenges in life and it's up to each of us to accept them or not accept them. But choosing drugs because you can't hang with adversity is a low level CHOICE YOU made. You found the weakness now you find the STRENGTH and WAKE UP!!
    Obviously, this is close to home because I have been on the roller coaster from hell for almost two years. I got off the roller coaster but that hell lingers. I'm healing.

    At first I was mortified to find out what meth was and what is does to you. Then I kicked into support mode. I spent lots of money and time on trying to help him rehab. He was playing it for all its worth. I kept reading on how they're sick and it's a disease. I tried to hold that understanding while staying supportive. What a FOOL I was! I separated myself from him so I could gain my own senses again. Through the broken heart, tears, anger, and complete disbelief...I did not let him come back to my home.

    I guess I'm telling the same story over. Seems like this is the story of those of us on the other side of this. I'm here to tell you that YOU are okay. You did your best. Everyone makes it about the addict. The addict is the one doing the hurting and wrong!! I get they need help but they also need to get it on their own. Can't force them. I tried.

    I feel for the families that have to endure the evil that accompanies them when they sell their soul to Satan.
    I pray for you, the wife who has worried yourself sick and still holds love for a man who chooses his drug over you. They say it has nothing to do with us. When your heart is broken and you've spent money and time on a selfish IS about you. It's about your heart and pain.

    Let them go. You are not responsible for a grown man acting like a child. You will near kill yourself if you keep trying. If it's meant to be then it will be but love yourself and get away from the demon. That's what they inhale and inject in their bodies and souls...demons.
    Get right and close to God, Jesus (Yeshua), Mary (Mìryam), and your angels. I know the pain and it knocks you down. Let the addict go. If they really want to be well then they will find their way to wellness. YOU be well and stay centered.

    God's light and guidance WILL heal you. :)
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    i'm so sorry for all that you have been through... no one deserves that... and my hope and prayer is that despite it all, you will find peace, and joy... continue on in your healing journey, dear one....and know that you are not alone... we are here...
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    thank you for sharing your story and insights... i'm sorry you had to go through all that... you are right in saying we are not responsible for grown adults... we can support them by taking care of us first... our emotional state..our physical state... i think things like al-anon or nar-anon can be so valuable in teaching loved ones the best way they can take care of themselves...and be of some support to the addict...or cut ties if that's what they desire.

    it's tough to do it alone... and sometimes cutting ties is the best thing to do for both individuals... let the addict get clean...and give them that space to figure it out. caretaking and enabling serves no one any good.

    again, thanks for are showing up as light, dear one, and that's wonderful!
  4. Neveragain29

    Neveragain29 Member

    Thank you, dear one!
    I tried NarAnon and it was super depressing. I found my support and strength in meditation and being even closer to God and the blessed mother. I think spirituality is the saving grace because it brings peace and soul growth. To each his/her own. This is what serves me best. I have never known a hell like this but this hell has never known a God like ours. :)
    True concern likes this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Neveragain29 hi there. so glad you've found peace. i too value spirituality... and yes, each person should discover his or her own healing path... :)
    True concern likes this.
  6. recovery-Road

    recovery-Road Member

    Cold. Humm. Many of these posts that advocate being cold is “ok” is representing a lack of understanding and empathy. Addiction is a genetic disposition first, and the first time that a drug or drink is taken - it immediately requires the brain chemistry. The cravings are as strong as not eaten food for a week and suddenly there is a plate in front of you - and you are told not to eat.

    Let the first man without sin cast the first stone.

    That said, the behaviors of the addict is Not Ok. However due to the brain rewiring, they are often not aware of the actions they do because the addiction has required the brain to “shut off” brain functions that involve the control center, emotional regulation, reward “pleasure Center”, memory recall, and ability to think of others. Each time the drug or drink is taken, it poisons the mind to literally “shut off” these functions from literally the first use.

    Only in new to long term sobriety will the addict “slowly” regain these functions back - that said it takes work to “turn the lights on”. AA / NA not only offers the much needed support and empathy for the addicts - but many have recover using the tools and techniques of the program to help the struggling addict regain life again. When the addict realizes what they have done - guilt and shame are overwhelming, sometimes can lead to a relaspe to escape reality.

    The you feel distaste for an addict(s) it’s because you’ve been hurt or don’t understand / care to understand. Best thing for you to do is detach from them and take care of yourself. Breeding in any negativity is not good for your mental health as well and often will affect negatively the addict - especially if they are trying to get well and only surrounded by negative emotions. If you do care, only “suggest” AA/NA, all it takes are seeds for the recovery road to begin, but remember no one can control the addict. If they end up getting help, they WILL thank you one day and you will meet the real “them”, not the addict.
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2018
    Cametobelieve0202 likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Neveragain29 First off i sympathize with your struggle and the heartache it has brought you,I am one of those people you have no sympathy for as i was a heavy drug abuser for 20+ year's,i completely understand why it is possible to lock the door of compassion to people like myself and i to put my wonderful wife through the harshest most insanely inexcusable miserable of times,and for that i carry a hurt so deep and shame so profound it is hard to explain though i have in my own story titled 20+ year's of addiction here on this site.I'm not going to try and plead my case to get any of you to feel sympathy in any way that's not what I'm here for,however i will explain how my addiction started simply to show we don't all choose it,sometimes it is not your choice at all and I did not choose my addiction,i did not ask for it,nor did i want it.I was born in the early 80's in the 80's a new drug was approved as safe by the F.D.A.this drug is called Ritalin.At the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A D H D and given Ritalin by a Dr,at that time it was being called a miracle drug but in fact it is legal "Meth" absolutely no difference in the active ingredients between meth and Ritalin.I was on this substance until the age of 18 year's old.You may think ok the next move to illegal drug's was a choice and I grant you that,however try to imagine being prescribed Meth during puberty as your mind and body makes the transition into adulthood,try to imagine never not one single day going through that transition without your prescription Meth.I won't drag this on to far but my point is simply this,my mind was programmed to function completely through this horrible substance and yes it eventually lead me to illegal drug's only because i never had the chance to figure out anything in my life sober.I am now sober and i simply try to offer my experience to all walks of life in hope's that maybe if nothing else it will start awareness and education to addicts,parent's,Dr's,spouse's,etc in hope's that we can together change the discussion in a truly productive way.God Bless You All I Wish You Nothing But The Very Best
    Dominica likes this.
  8. Wherespamela

    Wherespamela Member

    What an ignorant statement! All drug addicts were once innocent children full of dreams and hopes. We all had big plans for our futures and I doubt one of us ever said "I want to be a drug addict when I'm older", and I doubt there is one single drug addict in this world that says "I love being a drug addict! This is the secret to a great life!" No.... no.... no. We are in deep psychological pain. Maybe not all of us but most that's the reason we looked for the drug and used it in the first place. We had no idea we were signing our lives, our freedom, our integrity, and our sanity over to the substance. Some people it doesn't happen at first. Others use once and their brain gets addicted. Our entire being is our brain. Drugs alter the way we see the world, the way we see ourselves, and what's important and what's not. Are you going to get mad at your computer because it got a virus and no longer operates the same because it opened an email or window looking for one thing but getting infected instead? That's what happens to our brains. It is a choice to use the drug. But our brains tell us it needs the drug to function properly just like food and water are our way of survival. Willpower and common sense slowly fade away and impulsiveness and obsession take over every aspect of life. Life itself gets put on the back burner and the addict sees none of this happening! The drug is like a strobe light in a dark room while the destruction is making its place in the dark room we can't see until it's too late. By the time we look at where this addiction has brought us and what damage has been done our brain chemistry is completely altered and skewed. Our brains are completely damaged and no longer function normally. We are no longer who we once were and that person may as well have died because the memory of being clean and sober is not only foreign it's terrifying. We feel so much emotional pain over our addiction but most of us never show the world that part. I feel sorry for all drug addicts because I know first hand I did NOT want this. I did not plan this and i absolutely hate it. I feel like I'm possessed by a demon sometimes because I'm not who I used to be. The ones who can get out of addiction and learn to be normal again are truly blessed by God.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Wherespamela very well said... this is one reason TREATMENT is essential... a holistic treatment that involves mind, body, and soul. i love how you said addicts are in deep psychological pain...b/c it's true and it takes a fairly conscious person to be able to set judgment aside, look past the "addiction mask" or "ego" and really SEE the soul underneath... that primal, survival part of the brain is what's askew, thinking it will die if it doesn't get another hit of whatever that drug is... but the person underneath? the core? the soul?

    precious. worthy.

    worthy of love without conditions.

    just my two cents.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I couldn't agree with you more, @Wherespamela. Some people just have very narrow-minded views. Addicts are not bad people; they are sick people. But they can get well if they get the help they need.
    Dominica likes this.
  11. Neveragain29

    Neveragain29 Member

    @True concern Hi there. Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I just saw this. I don't know if your story is helpful in understanding why someone would do drugs. There are people in this world who are faced with the exact same circumstances, but they do not become drug addicts that wreak a hellish havoc on people's lives. I sympathize with your wife. I know her pain all too well. I notice that drug addicts whether sober or not, seek a reason to excuse their behavior. They want absolution and never want to be blamed. They want to control the blame so they don't have to face it.
    Truth is, my fiance has caused a lot of pain not only for me but for his children that need him. Drugs are very selfish and I commend you and anyone for getting clean but the crazy that your loved ones are put through is beyond understanding. It's brutal and I'll never have compassion for that.

    I do have a question for you, I cut him off months ago but he tries to call or message me. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He shows zero remorse and pretends like nothing ever happened. It's infuriating to not even get an "I'm sorry". I ignore him because I know he's not getting help and I'm sticking with my promise to myself to be gone if he doesn't seek professional help.
    What is keeping him coming back?
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Neveragain29 I have to say i have been waiting for the moment someone would say exactly what you have in addict's seeking absolution and complete forgiveness as if it never happened.I agree many are faced with similar circumstances yet do not become drug addict's and torment their loved one's,i understand your lack of compassion for it and i respect it.I to sympathize with my wife and i meant every word i said month's before she kicked me out when i looked her in the eye's and said "you deserve better than i am as a man so please put me out and find happiness"month's later she did and to this day though i love her a want her back i absolutely want better for her than i could ever supply and i feel extreme guilt even talking to her because i don't want to hold her back in any way.She is an angel and deserves someone that makes her heart beat and feels her days and night's with everything she desires.Many addicts perhaps do try to act as if it never happened,as if the year's and memories just disappear however it is not the drug's that make a person that way once they are sober it is the reality of who they truly are.I am not one of those addict's,i understand what pain i have caused and i in no way want to act like everything is ok because i am now sober because it is not.I have betrayed a commitment to always be there through good time's and bad as all i offered were bad memories as i dove deep into substance abuse.I feel extreme guilt for wasting 15 year's of her life while i got high or drunk,i blame myself for any emotional problems she has that i have caused,i blame myself for putting her in a situation to be forced to decide whether or not to continue on with me,i am responsible for her heartache,i am to blame she doesn't wake up with her husband in bed with her,i am to blame for the betrayal she feels,i am to blame for the saddness she feels,i am to blame for letting my kid's down,i am to blame for them not having any trust in me,i am to blame my grandkids wonder where i've gone,i am to blame for the tears they shed,i am to blame for this and so much more however i'm not searching for comfort through open dialogue on this forum,im not trying to find absolution,im not trying to find people to tell me to just forget about it and move on.Im sharing my struggle in hopes to help someone else to not be feeled with the well deserved feeling of complete failure.I hope and pray my pathetic lifestyle and poor decisions wake other's up before they leave their wives and kid's feeling the way i left mine.I am not looking for someone to make excuses for me because im no puppet and i know there is no excuse for the way i've lived or the thing's i've done.It is immoral,evil,pathetic,and ridiculous.So i agree completely when you say you sympathize with my wife anyone with a heart and soul would.Why does your fiance keep calling or trying to come back?I can't be sure but we as addict's often time's turn to those we love when at our lowest and then there are some who have mastered manipulation and try to pull the strings to your heart in hopes they can come home and do it again.You have to ask yourself,who is your fiancee when he's sober?Is he a humble kind hearted man?Or is he an arrogant it never happened type of person?I will give myself this tiny bit of credit in i helped my wife as best i could raise 3 kid's that were not mine and their birth dad wanted nothing to do with them until they were grown and the entire time i was using dope and drinking and all 3 of my step kids knew it i tried to stay far away from them while intoxicated but let's be honest they kbew so i consciously decided to speak often about the absolute hell i was going through never once glorifying my use and i ran off any friend they ever had that was using and I'm happy to say not one of them has ever touched a hard illegal substance and my oldest step son who will not speak to me and again im to blame actually put in the work and effort to become a Federal police officer,my daughter is working towards being a probation officer and my youngest step son who nearly died from cancer made a full recovery after we spent 389 day's in a row together in intensive care isolation.So yes on paper i look like a terrible person but in my heart i would give my life for any stranger anywhere anyday if it would prevent them from making the same poor choices i've made as a man and i pray to God he forgives me for what i've done and judge's me for what i now do.Thank you for your response and i wish you nothing but the very best in life.I will pray for you and your fiancee.Stay Strong and God Bless You my friend
    Cametobelieve0202 and deanokat like this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... That, my friend, is a beautiful sentence. I love you, man. Keep doing what you're doing, because your heart is golden.
  14. Neveragain29

    Neveragain29 Member

    @True concern Thanks for responding. I'm glad you got clean and that you're able to share with others. It's helping me to be able to talk openly about it with someone who did drugs.
    My fiance was a great man when he wasn't using. He's got deep issues that he needs God to heal and exorcise those demons. I mean that literally. The man who put his hand on my throat, called me horrid names, ran about with trashy street people and other women...was not the man I said yes to marriage to. But he is the man who chose to bring this hell in our lives. I have cried the deepest tears and hurt from a place I never knew existed. I literally felt like I was beaten by demons. They beat my soul and he let it happen.
    Every day in my meditation rosary, I pray for addicts. I work on dissolving my anger and I pray for all the people that I consider the enemy. Hardest thing I do as a spiritual person.

    I pray for the spouses who were the target of the beat down. Who's hearts were broken because they loved an addict. My heart and compassion goes out to the children and spouses. I'm still angry and I don't want to be. It has lessened as God keeps healing me. I plan on keeping that healing and getting far away from the memories of the past 3 years.

    Thanks for listening and responding. I will keep you in prayer, as well.

    Do right by her and by yourself.
    True concern likes this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Addiction is a true family disease. It affects everyone, not just the addict. Children, spouses, parents, siblings,'s a ripple effect that touches everyone.

    I am praying for you and your fiancé, too, @Neveragain29. And sending you love, light, and hope.
  16. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I am so sorry for the abuse you have gone through,i myself got tears in my eye's as i read he put his hands around your throat,i can't imagine any man physically hurting a female.I have never and would never,infact i have seen it done a few time's whil out and about and have attacked the men everytime i've seen it.Was it my place to do that?No and several time's ended up arrested for it,however i was very verbally abusive at time's and in no way does that make my abuse any less than theirs but one thing that's always been apart of me high,drunk,or sober if i see a man harm a woman or child physically i get tunnel vision and attack usually screaming as loud as i can "You feel like hurting someone then be a man and hurt me"The lord work's in mysterious ways and i believe in my heart and soul he is molding me into something more than the memories i have left behind.It's what we do in the end that will ultimately define us and i take everyday now one step at a time and i hope and pray i leave behind the memory of a man who heard his call and changed his life with concern in his heart for other's over himself.The man i am today is no reflection of the monster i once was and through the lord and constant awareness of what i've done in the past i make strides toward's finding everlasting inner peace always searching for a person in need that may learn from the mistakes i've made and if i can prevent one soul from making the same mistakes than i can go to my grave knowing i helped one person who i pray in turn will keep the cycle going.Stay Strong and God Bless
    deanokat likes this.
  17. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Neveragain29 you are a beautiful soul and i pray you find the love and happiness you so deserve
  18. stroker42

    stroker42 Member

    You Sir, have never been given medication from your doctors that made you feel like heaven had fallen down around you during a time when you were at your lowest. My sister jumped from the Golden gate bridge in 1997 because she could not get off pain medication after 12 treatments facilities and countless hospital stays. Had the doctors not given her Class 2 narcotics, and Xanax on her first visit and had Drug classes to teach people about Narcotic abuse and what it does to the body been available, she may of had a chance. I agree with illegal drugs being stupid and life ending and altering, but the Opioid problem started with the doctors and now the doctors are so scared for there careers that they are sending there patients to the streets AND DARK WEB TO GET DRUGS. By 2025, there will be over 10 Billion dollars in illegal drugs going through the mail system to people that were cut off by the same doctors that got them in trouble in the first place. No blame to the addict at all, THEY CAN'T HELP IT, NEVER WILL AND WILL EITHER DIE, GO TO METHADONE or find a good pain doctor that keeps up with them and holds them accountable. Those decisions are medically based decisions where the addict is making either the right or wrong decisions based on there trusted doctors recommendations.

    This person is also me that I'm talking about. I owned a Nursery and Garden Center in 1990 and had a man come by that wanted plants and trees. He told me that he just opened a new medical clinic down the road and If I wanted, we could trade out plants for visits for my entire family. Sounded great at the time and went to see him because of prostate pain I was having. He gave me 4 scripts, all narcotics. I was off to the races. My prostate pain was gone and I could work 3 times as much as before. I would talk to customers until I sold them because I could not stop talking. This was a wonderful 2 years. After 2 years, he was giving me 350 Percocet's and Demerol. Things started going down hill and I ended up in 2 treatment centers. After my treatment center stay, I would be back on pills in less than a week. I wanted that same feeling I had in 1990 and was determined to find it. Never did and only by the grace of God did I find out about Methadone. It saved my life, had the best earning years ever and I am still taking it today. A lot of bad side effects but it gave me my family and life back. I never took another pill. I drink my Kool aid every morning and go about my day. So please put addicts in there proper prospective and deal the blame to where it needs to go.
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  19. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    thanks for sharing. i'm truly sorry about the loss of your sister... darn it...that is rough. and for your addiction. i agree opioids need to NOT be prescribed so heavily, and not just yanked from people either.... it's a delicate matter and each person ought to be able to sit down with a pain mgt team and create a plan that may work for them....

    i don't know much about methadone, but glad it gave you a quality of life back...

    again, thanks for sharing here.
    True concern likes this.
  20. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @stroker42 I am so sorry to hear about your sister and I won't try to pretend i understand your pain with that because I absolutely do not and could not as i have never been through a loss like that,again im so sorry.I am glad you found this site and i am glad methadone is working for you as it didn't for myself and many other's i have spoke with,however help that work's is good help in my book.I to had an incredibly sinister Dr at one point in my life prescribing 180 Vicodin every 22-25 day's.I was taking nearly 10 Vicodin a day,felt unstoppable.Energy,confidence,the patience to make every sell quickly i became store manager like in 10 month's and i took the extra money and started a stronger opiate Oxycontin.40dollars per pill 4 pills aday.160 dollar a day habit well just over a year later i was nearly dead and have since found my soul deep beneath all that dope there it was and today,everyday I scroll this site looking for someone to relate to and help with advice where i can.You through out the year 2025 and that's an interesting year because alot takes place there.China claims it will own the planet by then aggressively profiting from mail order narcotics also a thing called "The Sunset Clause"ends in 2025 which is when the world eases off Iran and gives them legal authority to make weapons grade uranium.2025 is going to be something as two scary countries will receive power they bever had before at the same time.Maybe just coincidence,however i would rather educate myself these day's versus placing blind trust into anything.Stay Strong my friend it was nice to meet you and i hope you continue to share it helps,well it does for myself so i assume it does for other's.God Bless You and Take Care