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Not an easy fight

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Faygo1224, Apr 17, 2016.

  1. Faygo1224

    Faygo1224 Active Contributor

    Hi all! I am glad to be amongst people who have gone through similar things as me and can relate to me on that level. Now that that's out of the way,Id like to talk a little more about the current status of my addiction.

    As of last week Monday I decided to completely discontinue drinking alcohol cold turkey. Initially it was somewhat easy...that was before the withdrawals came about. I began sweating profusely, vomiting, overheating and just being plain sick. After about a day or two of this unbearable feeling, I thought to myself: "well one little drink wont hurt me " and poured myself a very light alcohol beverage. Upon doing so I immediately felt better but soon I was left wanting to drink again and had a taste for it almost immediately.

    Fast forward to now and I have gone back to drinking alcohol again. Because of this one small mishap and deciding it would be ok to drink one drink, I am now back at square one, trying to figure out a way back into sobriety. As I know many of you have gone and still go through the same with alcohol addiction, is there any advice that you can give me to help me get back on track? All advice is welcomed and appreciated. Thank you
  2. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Well, maybe you need a professional detox and rehab. At a minimum it seems like you need something to help you manage the withdrawal symptoms. Maybe you can discuss this with your doctor and see what kind of recommendations they have. Also, if you are committed to not drinking, keeping alcohol around is going to encourage you to drink. You need to get rid of it.
  3. Faygo1224

    Faygo1224 Active Contributor

    That's actually easier said than done. Considering you don't know my history and why I have a drinking problem, I think it would be quite difficult to come to that conclusion. Its way too easy to just say, "dont have it around" "talk to you doctor". Im an Iraq war veteran, a female at that , so yeah...thats pretty much laughable at this point. I have always been around alcohol. I know for a fact it's not that easy. Come on now
    ShakeTheDisease likes this.
  4. sillylucy

    sillylucy Community Champion

    You are right it is not an easy fight and you do not have to go at it alone. I always make sure to include a support system in my recovery. I need every bit of help on my side that I can get.
  5. Faygo1224

    Faygo1224 Active Contributor

    I try to utilize other methods of coping but it seems like a dead end. I have always found solace in the online community because of its anonymity but as of late, I have found the tone of others to be quite off putting and forceful. Telling someone "keep it away from you", "don't do it" is nothing more than blanket advice that couldn't even help the most willing. I am not referring to you by any means but others on here. I understand they "have the answers" but the way I cope and operate is not receptive toward pushy people or advice. I really believe there are certain people with the tool s to help others and many of them on here are not in the business of helping but dictating. It's extremely discouraging.
    ShakeTheDisease likes this.
  6. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    First thank you for your service. My brother in law also served in Iraq so I know at least in that capacity how tough it was on him, and that he saw and experienced things that still haunt him to this day. I'm not sure if that's the basis of your drinking and I don't want to make assumptions of course.

    What kind of support network do you have around you? That's the first question I would ask, and in my own alcoholism it was something that was crucial for me. I don't know if your family and friends know the level of drinking you're at, or if you've kept it pretty hidden from them? If they know about it, are they on board with your recovery? Have you told them about the plans you're attempting to take with getting sober?

    I hear you about the anonymity of being online...sometimes it's a lot easier to just get your feelings out to strangers than it is to people you know - been there too!

    Hope to hear back from you :)
    MrsJones likes this.
  7. Faygo1224

    Faygo1224 Active Contributor

    Before even responding to the post, I'd like to extend my gratitude to you for being kind. I do not experience that often ,so I appreciate It a lot.

    I thank you for supporting us and am thankful your brother on law came back safe. To answer your question though, I don't have much of a support system. Most off my family are avid drinkers and really don't understand what I'm going through. I was very going when I joined the Army and was sent straight to Iraq with little training. I have lost countless people inside and outside combat and have become depressed that I'm now reliant on alcohol to ease the pain I feel.

    I have talked to several professionals but their only advice is medication which is something I will not consider. I have lost more people from prescription anti depressants than anything else among my veteran friends being treated for PTSD and other disorders.

    I really don't have anyone to talk to . I am indifferent to counselors or psychiatrists because they are fueled by commission through prescribing dangerous medication to patients. I have been going through this for years, so this is nothing new. I am really trying to gather some better methods that will help me eventually gain complete sobriety.
  8. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    There's definitely good and bad out there in the counseling world. I sorta liken it to dating (lame, I know) but I've found counselors where I'm like "nope - I don't click with you at all, you don't get where I'm coming from" and others that have been brilliant and I've felt at ease with straight away. I think it's hard though, because if you have a crappy few to start with, or even a bad experience with just one, it really does make you doubt all of them.

    And I do worry myself that some doctors and psychs are too keen to quickly prescribe without trying to get to the root cause of why a lot of us turned to alcohol in the first place - it's like a fast food drive thru where they're just like "okay here's your prescription, bye!" in 5 minutes or less...and I think that attitude needs to change from the medical world. Obviously not all doctors are like that but same goes with what I said, it's hard to take them seriously or trust them when it feels like they just want to get you out the door.

    There's some counselors out there who are more practiced in specific addiction counseling and if you are open to going down that route again I'd recommend trying to seek one out who is better versed in addiction. Are you in a big city? Small town? Just trying to get a grasp on what kind of options you might have nearby :)
    MrsJones likes this.
  9. Faygo1224

    Faygo1224 Active Contributor

    Thank you for your advice. I agree with you completely that I am most likely jaded toward counselors/psychs because of my first few experiences with them. I live in an avg/borderline big city. I am not sure if you're familiar with Milwaukee,WI, but there are indeed a lot of avenues I can seek help from. I guess I have just been very depressed in finding help due to it always failing so much.

    There are associations and other avenues I can take instead of the traditional VA , I just need to be more open to it .Your advice has opened my eyes to this and I thank you for that.It is rare that I actually take heed to advice on the web. Thank you again. I think we may have the same name too btw. My name is Cassandra.
    MrsJones and kassie1234 like this.
  10. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    I'm Kassandra with a K! I get Kassie or Kass for short most of the time, though :)

    I'm glad you live in a bigger area just for the fact that there are more options out there - if you don't like one particular counselor I'm sure there are others. But don't feel bad if you don't click with one and feel like you can't walk away - you're totally within your rights to say hey, things aren't working out for us here!

    I hope that you find someone that you click with and they can help. And if you need to chat or just vent about things, I'm online most days on here :)
    MrsJones likes this.
  11. Fyrion

    Fyrion Active Contributor

    I admit your situation is really tough, so tough I'm struggling to suggest anything you could consider worthwhile. Is difficult, because you have said alcohol helps you ease the pain occasioned by Iraq warfare's experience, and well, for justified reasons, suggestion like "see a medic" or "just don't drink" seems for you like a joke or an empty advice told by people that certainly don't have any idea what happened out there.

    Of course I also have no clue, but I'm aware that is not something that one can just forget and keep on with life. And the pain still remains even after quitting the habit or just numbing the senses with medication. Lurking and howling, expecting to be paliated at all cost.

    Do you spoke with Iraq war veterans about it? I mean, talking about how coping with the past. Or maybe you could try openly speaking about it here. Given you claim you don't have anyone to talk to.
    MrsJones likes this.
  12. toppot44

    toppot44 Member

    Hello there Faygo1224 ; based on your testimony, it appears to me that you were taking the right measures by trying to just go through the most direct method possible "cold turkey" Unfortunately this is very hard for someone at your stage of alcoholism. The fact that you had to trick your self into thinking one drink would be harmless is a prime example of how people slip up and relapse. I had explained in an earlier post I shared about the main two different stages of alcoholism. One is an alcohol abuser who can control when they drink but usually gets drunk when they do. This person is usually the one that can quit cold turkey or simply burnout. The other stage is a pure alcoholic, meaning they have developed a chemical dependency and can't resist the urge of alcohol. The second stage mentioned is where you are and why you can't just drink moderately or just quit. I know, anythings possible, but Alcohol has become like a medicating gratification to you in a sense at this point. My advise realistically to you is to think about how if you don't stop your habit, you will eventually progress into the chronic stage of alcoholism to where your health will be drastically affected. Is it really worth it? No it's not. You'll feel & look much better once you're freed of your addiction & will become a way more productive individual. I think you just need more of a conscious about what your doing. Once you can be around liquor and not feel the urge to drink it, you've won. The next step is a program or support group that can psychologically help
    change the way you think when it comes to alcohol. All the best to you.
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2016
    MrsJones likes this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Faygo1224... Welcome to the community, my friend. And thank you so much for your service to our country. It's brave women and men like you who assure that our country remains great for everyone living here. I can't thank you enough for that. And kudos to you for wanting to break free from alcohol. You've taken a courageous first step and I'm proud of you for doing it.

    I agree with @kgord that a professional detox might be the best thing for you. A detox center can help you manage the withdrawal from alcohol, keeping you comfortable and safe. Yes, people do quit cold turkey. But there's no reason why you have to do this on your own. Quitting under medical supervision will help you avoid quite a bit of suffering, and lessen your chances of wanting to take a drink just to feel better physically.

    Whether you choose to go to detox or try quitting again on your own, please know that relapse isn't failure. It's just a bump in the road on the way to recovery. I liken learning to be sober to other learned behaviors. For example, if you decided that you wanted to speak Italian, you wouldn't expect yourself to be an expert at it right from the start, right? Of course not! You'd commit to learning how to do it, practice, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, get better at it, and eventually master it. I think sobriety is the same way. Progress, not perfection. Learn by doing, and learn from any mistakes you make.

    If you could broaden your support network, that would be a good thing for sure. I don't know if you're willing to try AA or SMART Recovery (12-step alternative) meetings, but if you are it could help you connect with others who can likely help you. So you may want to consider that. Also, I believe that therapy can be a wonderful thing. Talk therapy with a professional counselor can really help uncover the root causes of our addiction. There don't have to be meds involved, either. In fact, therapists can't even prescribe meds. That has to be done by a psychiatrist. I don't want to sound like a commercial for therapy, but my therapist helped me change my life...and I was incredibly skeptical about therapy before I started.

    I hope you can find a path to recovery that works for you. Please know that we are here to help and support you any way we can. So feel free to reach out and lean on us whenever you'd like. In the meantime, I will be keeping good thoughts for you and sending you positive, sober vibes and virtual hugs. I know you can kick alcohol's ass. It might not be easy, but you can do it. And we're behind you 100 percent.

    Winterybella and toppot44 like this.
  14. bhu

    bhu Active Contributor

    Hey @Faygo1224 , I'm glad you're here. Thanks for sharing your story. The greatest thing I know about addiction is that 12 step doors are always open. No matter how many times you've slipped. No matter how long you've been gone. No matter why you've been gone. The doors are ALWAYS open, just like here. So look up AA, dial the number, don't file it. Locate a meeting near you and go. It's that easy. There are usually hourly meetings around the clock in major cities and suburbs. Try to make 90 meetings in 90 days to give yourself a reasonable goal. If nothing else, sit and listen and collect hugs. It's one hour you won't be drinking. Work from there. And keep us posted on how you're doing.
  15. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    The best thing to do is start over again. Everybody makes mistakes but learning from them keeps us from making them again. Just get back up and try again. The worst thing to do is beat yourself up about it and then get discouraged and quit.
    Whatever you did to stop drinking for as long as you did, do it again minus the mistake you made this time.
  16. Nancy D.

    Nancy D. Senior Contributor

    I would agree with everyone else when I say just look forward and don't let your past hinder you. In other words learn from the mistakes of the past but never forget them, and always make better decisions than you did before. It is a matter of realizing what you did wrong. Kind of pin point the thing or situation that made you want to relapse and steer clear of getting yourself in the same situation again.
  17. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Right that it is not an easy fight and it is important to keep fighting in order to reach the goal. Finding motivations and inspirations will be helpful. Also agree that professional help will be of big help too to know what would be the best approach or program possible.
  18. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Hi there! Thanks for sharing your story with us. I've my own story of alcoholism, but mine is a bit different. I come from a family of alcoholics and it's tough. My biological ''dad'' managed to quit cold turkey, so did I. He quit after a really bad accident, they thought he'd not make it, but he did and hasn't touched alcohol ever since. I've been sober since 2012, but quitting was much easier because they removed my gallbladder back in 2010. So I could no longer handle alcohol well. I still drink once or twice a year during special occasions, but after a 2012 incident well... I no longer get alcohol or keep it at home. I don't even feel tempted to do that. Certain drinks gross me out now.

    Best of luck to you... it is easier to say than to do. If it wasn't for my gallbladder surgery, not sure if I could have managed to quit old turkey just like that and stay on track without giving in a couple times. It is super hard, but I hope you find your way out of this...
  19. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Faygo1224... Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you today and I hope things are going okay with you. Remember that you can reach out to us anytime you need to. You have our support.
  20. Jesuslovesu

    Jesuslovesu Member

    I fell to my knees and bowed my head before the Lord and cried out

    "God, please help me, the temptation is too strong to bear. I know it is wrong and I don't want to go down that road again, especially when I've been doing so good. I can easily get 100-150 worth, however that's not what I want. The enemy is making it sound so sweet, so good, and I know I have put on a few pounds which if I score can easily be put off. And honestly that rush of feeling great and happy on top with having tones of energy is a really good feeling. A care free no worries everything is wonderful. But... I know the outcome and reality of it and I've given my life to you. Before I got baptized, my exact words were I no longer want to turn to drugs for that good high, I want turn to you instead. Just please father God, give me strength and please remove the strong desire and all the temptation from me Lord. Please father God take my hand and pick me up, don't let me fall. Please. I fully give my life to you and leave myself in your hands. Please, I need your help. Fill my heart mind and my thoughts up of you and things that are pure. In your sons name Jesus, I pray... Amen"

    My knees still touching the ground, my head still bowed, taking a deep breath and believing he'd pick me up. I then quickly stood to my feet and just then, it was gone. Not only was it gone I felt joy, peace and truly loved and I smiled. My God took my hand and didn't let me fall. I got so sick and tired of doing things I didn't want to do anymore. Lying, having sex with a drug dealer whom was in a relationship with a baby on the way. Even knowing his girlfriend and after she had given birth to a beautiful baby girl I didn't care. It was, I was all about getting the next high. I used to be 300 pounds and I dropped down to 145 within the first year or so. I was beautiful, glamorous on the outside. On the inside I was so sick. My mind played tricks on me. I thought even my closets friends and family were against me.

    During the quiet nights I'd hear loud sirens and trucks, car alarms and my family fighting and talking about me. It got so bad that I couldn't even go outside alone anymore.

    The neighbourhood would shout mean things about me and whisper to each other "there's that crazy Meth addict" but in reality none of that was true.

    I started having panic attacks and no longer felt so good using so what did I do? A fatter line and when that didn't help I'd do more and more. Which only made me more crazy.

    On top of feeling crazy and not knowing what was real anymore I felt guilty about lying to those whom care about me. One night laying in bed I couldn't take it anymore so I got up and flushed it. I felt relief after that. Until the next day I was freaking out and needed more.

    Of course one of my dealers just live a few blocks away so I scored. Felt great. Until night time came along. I started hearing things again and heard doors opening, people in my back yard. So I flushed it.

    And every single night high or not, feeling good or going crazy I prayed and asked God not to give up on me. Some nights I cried my eyes out begging for someone to catch me using and again saying "father God I'm sorry, please, please don't give up on me" I was bad.

    When I couldn't get a hold of a dealer or had no money I'd be on my bathroom floor crying because I just needed to find a little piece. I used daily for almost two years.

    Crystal meth killed my father at 33. My baby sister uses and sells, my aunts and cousins. I couldn't help think it was my destiny to be an addict. Still I prayed.

    I've been clean almost a month and I do not have the desire nor temptation to use. However when I did I fell to my knees and the Lord lifted me and gave me strength.

    I didn't graduate never cared, never had drive. August 15th I'm enrolling into Adult school for my GED so I can join the police academy. Because with God I CAN do anything. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins, I love you.

    Don't you want to stop doing what you don't want to do anymore?

    Here is a prayer you can say it out loud or quietly in your mind. Just have faith and believe and trust in our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

    “Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.”

    If you decided to repent of your sins and receive Christ today, welcome to God's family. Now, as a way to grow closer to Him, the Bible tells us to follow up on our commitment.

    Get baptized as commanded by Christ.

    Tell someone else about your new faith in Christ.

    Spend time with God each day. It does not have to be a long period of time. Just develop the daily habit of praying to Him and reading His Word.

    Ask God to increase your faith and your understanding of the Bible.

    Seek fellowship with other followers of Jesus.

    Develop a group of believing friends to answer your questions and support you.

    Find a local church where you can worship God.